"don't talk to me." i told my mom, from under my breath, as my anger finally boiled over. she gave off a deep sigh and walked away. i tried not to look up, nor to feel guilty as i busied myself unpacking my things, trying my best not to shake. timing and subtlety were never her best traits, and most often than not, as if the universe does it on purpose, she manages to push the right buttons at the worst possible time. it used to drive my brother crazy when he was younger, back when he was just beginning to work and i was the one pacifying him. now that kuya's mellowed down, i seem to have now taken the role of "who-gets-pissed". don't get me wrong, i certainly don't HATE my mom, she just drives me crazy at times. what drives me more crazy is that there is nothing i can do about it, since she's my mom (and i love her just being how she is) and TIMING is not something you can really teach.
to cut things short, my long awaited trip-to-unwind to tagaytay was cancelled due to my mom's impeccable ways of suggestion, thus adding another to the list to what seem to be my running streak of unfavorable events. one after another they come and quite frankly, i don't know how much more i can take. i am cracking under the pressure already, which now that i think about it, seems to be the main universal objective. deconstruction.
disappointment after disappointment after disappointment... ANO BA TALAGA?? will there be an end to all of this anytime soon?? what do i need to see and learn from all of this anyway? how to handle MORE crappy events that come to my life? is this punishment for treating people badly? have i been treating anyone badly enough to deserve this? am i supposed to just take it all? i just need some validation really, that at the end, there will be something good from all of this. i really need a break, please!!!
i used to complain when i was younger, to my mother actually, how come bad people get away with a lot of things and it's the good people who suffer because of it. it just doesn't seem to be fair. what happened to justice? you try to do good, and yet, you get screwed over because of it. i know the answer in my head and i try to see the the bigger picture... but after all the shitty things that has been happening to me through the years since i first asked that question till now, i am nearing the point of no longer caring.
yes... it is slowly reaching that point already. i am tightly wound, nearing the end of my tether. dropping people. redefining relationships. reconsidering maybe, there's really nothing worth looking forward to.
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There are days I wished I could be a different person. How fate's uncooperative demeanor continually bears down on every ounce of hope I precariously cling to, and sometimes feign.
Sometimes it just feels like all my efforts are belittled blatantly by circumstances. How the lack of a romantic life, a flailing social existence, are but foils to contemplate this exhaustive cyclical struggle of work-house-more-work.
There are good days. But there are really, really bad days. I just try to imagine that its me doing a sacrifice. My own form of self-flagellation. That maybe, like a fast, I'll emerge from all of this refreshed, rejuvenated, recuperated, and willing to go through the whole thing again.
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