dee u h-yeng shy'u bo?

"h-yeng shy'u" pronounced in your most nasal of tones, is fookienese that loosely translates as "fondness". it can be used to connote a liking for people, to be more specific, a crush as in "u h-yeng shy'u", or "CRUSH KITA!! (very Krissy), or with regards to the context of this post, a level of interest, to one's work to be more exact. 

note: this is not a rant.

i was making my rather exciting breakfast this morning, a shake consisting of my whey protein, psyllium husk and flaxseed meal mix, a dash of cayenne pepper and maple syrup, when my mom in her batik daster sashayed towards my direction asking how i was. she looked at the time, 7:35am, and looked at me. i had just come home from gym. today was anaerobic training day which meant i was extra exhausted than usual. i was dripping in sweat and trying to stay relaxed as i readied myself for the rest of the day.

she offered the idea that i hurry up and get moving soon so as that i get to the office early. she said i rush often, this way, i had more time to dilly-dally. when she noticed my dismissal of her suggestion, mom said in chinese, "lola and i were praying for you, hoping that you would grow more fond of your work." i didn't really understand how this statement affected me, but it definitely hit something raw. i really don't know why, but every time family discusses work with me, i find myself all of a sudden on the defensive. it seems like every time they prod about my job, it feels like they are subtly questioning the quality of my work. of course, this is just my feeling. i'm sure they have no ill intent against me. it just however feels that way. 

as expected, i began my oration on how i do what is given to me, to the best of how i know. i site examples of my diligence and try my best to sound convincing that i do my fair share, even then some...

but basing on my reaction though... it's interesting to consider that maybe, why i feel so defensive all the time is because i really think i am inept at my job. i am too afraid to admit it. i am too ashamed to tell my family. i am too clueless what to do after. 

suddenly, escaping again feels so good.