a polar bear's song

while stuck at traffic today because of the rain, i found myself doing a most curious thing... i started listening to myself sing.

until recently, i usually drive silently in my car with the radio off since i like to give my undivided attention to the road. however, ever since my brother started riding with me (on the occasions he does ride in my car, that is), he would always turn on the radio, disrupting my tranquility. it was unnerving at first but i eventually trained myself to get used to the distraction. nowadays, i tune in to this radio station that plays house music 24/7 and have it as my background noise. i figured it was certainly better than having honking jeepneys and the shouts of barkers echoing in my cavernous car.

i still miss the days though when i loose myself in the silence of the drive. on these occasions, especially when i am in no rush to get home, i would turn off the radio and just enjoy the quiet. even in stressful traffic with idiots weaving in and out in front of me, i find myself keeping my calm. it is also during these moments that i have noticed that i would begin to sing, well hum/chant/ sing-ish... actually.

since i really am not familiar with any song besides some hymns from church (i practically grew up listening to them), i can't really say i sing anything in particular. most often than not, i would simply string together random notes, plug in a melody and sing away. since i also had no musical training whatsoever, i would often find myself rambling any note that pops into my head and just roll on to wherever the notes would take me. it's actually fun sometimes since i would stumble on certain sequences that actually sound good and would just repeat it over and over or play around with it. my version of DJ-ing i guess :)

something about my singing as well (besides it probably sounding horrendously bad) is the melody i tend to always use. i have this weird fascination with classical eastern music though i don't really listen to it. ever since i first heard it way back (care of the enchanting voice of ofra haza), even before i went to dubai, i have always felt a strange connection to it. something with how it is sung i guess, very deep and almost haunting. hearing it never fails to stir me in ways i really can't explain except that, even if it's in a totally different language, i seem to relate to it. it also reminds me of a chinese lullaby my mom used sing to us when we were kids, hence the feeling of familiarity as well.



i would sing to similar melodies, hoping i am not insulting any particular culture or religion as i do, with the notes just thrown in as they come. i often just use the "um" and "ahh" sounds since they for me are the easiest to say. also, the vibrations they create in my throat and how they resonate in my head helps me to be calm. i recall this tidbit before about certain consonants sounds that can help one relax. the melody would change depending on my current mood. pitchier and faster when i am iritated and more lulling when i am happy. eastern music i guess is the soundtrack of my soul.

though i know i am far from being a great singer, i find that i actually enjoy hearing myself when i sing in my car. hearing the utterance of the notes suspended in these melodies take me away to a place of bliss. it ushers me to a place where i guess my center lies. it is where i go to when i want to find ideas to draw and when i want to write. the same place where all my fantasies lie.

hehehehe, it is also where i find myself always sporting a wide smile :)