no to drama

"say no to drama", that should be my mantra. i was feeling rather dejected yesterday, despite having convinced myself that i really shouldn't since there REALLY wasn't anything wrong. i had everything i needed, i was well supported, i wasn't flooded with work, and despite how recent events turned out, things are working out for the good. that all said however, it seemed that i still could not get myself out of my funk. i wasn't necessarily sad, bu i wasn't happy and cheerful either, unlike how i was before. makes me wonder now, was i genuinely happier before even if i technically was emotionally detached? OR, am i just punishing myself for another failed attempt at a relationship, being the masochistic person that i sometimes am?

kuya once told me i'm a drama queen, that i draw from whatever unpleasantness that happens in my life, big or small, and use it fuel my warped sense of validation. i have to feel sorry for myself to make me feel good, was his analysis. funny how my brother and i communicate, noh? then again, he feels with his mind too.

"say no to drama". i'm saying it again. i guess i'm a bit hung over with the fact that i don't have another person to focus my attention to anymore, and get attention back. i'm actually missing feeling intimate with a person, nothing sexual, trust me, but more of being able to open myself to a person and just allow myself to be. i'm always guarded, always restrained, always controlled. it gets exhausting but i can't help it... i'm anal that way (wholesome thoughts, people!!!) so to be able to let it all go, even if just briefly feels like a much-needed vacation. one reason probably why i still think of M, then again, he could have been anyone... which was why i decided to stop dating him, because he could have been anyone.

i'm trying to find my center again. tried praying about it, tried asking God "what now?" so far, no replay yet. will try asking again later. He must be busy fixing the repercussions of last monday's blunder. i forget, MADAMING MADAMING CHINESE PALA SA MUNDO. nyehehehehe....