Monday, August 30, 2010

the vision

he was asking me something about a driver or driving. i recall i said i had none and that i would be driving alone. he then started reprimanding me, his demeanor now agitated, his voice raised to the point of screaming.

i felt feverish this afternoon. i had started my day early with a training run and joined a body balance class with narnian, my running friend. after having a light lunch, i proceeded to run errands for my clients before deciding to head home. i had originally intended to use this holiday to catch up with my backlog, but upon reaching home, was overwhelmed by an intense feeling of fatigue. i was too tired to even sleep and found myself forcing myself to take a short nap. i soon found myself deep in slumber. so deep, it took my mom a while to rouse me. so deep, i had a very clear dream... of M.

my subconscious knew what i felt most concerned about him. it recognized the threat in his personality and was never swayed by constant reasoning, that i was ok with it, that it was not bothering me. i had convinced myself that we all have our peculiarities, that this could be M's, that his passion, his fiery nature, it makes him unique. his temper just makes him human, that i could live with it. i told myself this over and over, every time is see him get irritated with minute things, whenever he would burst in expletives when talking about his driver, or his secretary, whenever he gets annoyed with his parents. i would tell myself this, and find myself looking at his face, as i notice the lines deepen on his brow and how his eyebrows approximate, how his lips purse as the rants, how i search his face with any endearing feature while staring with my faint smile at him, trying my hardest not to be afraid, not to be affected, not to feel overly sensitive, and the empath in me, stand down.

it has been three days now since i said goodbye to M. as the days pass, i realize more and more of our incompatibilities, not really as a way to pacify my ego, but more as to rationalizing why i never developed a deep emotional connection with him. i think in the month that i was with him, i gave myself enough time and opportunity to learn as much and to consider him as much, not in respects of what my ideal mate is, but more of what is best for me. M was not my physical type, nor was he ideal in many other things, but he felt as if he was right, that he was what i needed, even that we were what each of us needed. it would probably explain why i lingered as long as i could. i didnt want to let the chance slip me by, that maybe i was being too quick to judge, or too quick to fear.

the last dinner we had that eventually became the start of the end revealed to me something about M. though i understand him in a lot of ways, and that M, in his good nature, does support me and care for me, during our conversation that night, while he was explaining to me his surprise and disappointment in my not being able to see his point in his argument, he mentions that i was unsympathetic. his saying of that, i guess, triggered the emotional (though still controlled) response he has been also complaining that i lacked. it dawned on me that i cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesnt appreciate me for what is practically my core nature. i had been willingly overlooking many of my ideals to make M and me fit and work, even to the point that emotions, or the lack of it, was no longer necessary, since i felt i can be bound by duty. but his negating my person by saying i was unsympathetic, there after by, comparing me to his best friend, that i could not take.

i wonder now, what really was it about me that he saw? what did he like? why could he not have seen this part of me?


wanderingcommuter said...

awww. seems like you already made that leap. best wishes jamie for another start... mwah!

paci said...

oh hugs my dear..