it was a simple answer, but a rather hard thing to do. i feel with my mind, he says, and he feels with his heart. i agreed. i'm too detailed he said, i'm too analytical.
i am detailed, i am analytical. i feel with my brain for this is the only way i can make sense of everything around me. emotions, i said, wane, and therefore cannot be trusted. it doesn't mean however that i don't feel. i do. except that, i had learned not to depend on them too much. yet when things feel devoid of emotion, things that really shouldn't, despite how much i don't trust emotions, it raises concern. i am concerned that maybe.... there really isn't anything there. that maybe, i stay for other reasons. reasons of which are not the right reasons to prolong what has now been a month's long courtship.
i surrendered to the fear last night. it had nagged me for so long. i had tried to quell it. prayed for it. tried to make peace with it, but it still would not leave. they said it was all in my head, that i had no solid proof of my fears, that i was simply imagining my lack of emotional attachment to the relationship, that if i spoke to him about it, i will be appeased. so i did, we spoke... and my fears.... were confirmed.
he said, i'm not sympathetic, but that was alright. he didn't mind we didn't agree. but... he didn't see i was empathizing, something that was very me. there were so many things we shared in common... but we didn't connect in any of them.
i may feel with my brain and not with my heart, but doing so allows me to see, to observe, to rationalize, to defend, so that i can eventually love whole-heatedly. it allows me to build a stubborn grip on something that for other people, may not make sense, but i hold on anyways since i know, in my brain, that i had thought about it it well and am willing to take the risk. my method is far from perfect, but it produces for me good results.
one month is now over. another possible relationship, gone. no regrets though. i was given the strength to overcome... just as what i prayed for.
i was praying yesterday morning, asking my Lord what i will do in my life. i then had a feeling, like the type you know is the most honest, and it said it was time to let it go.
M was kind. M was gentle. M felt like he was what i needed... then again, i really should not trust on feelings alone.