a reply to delusions (expanded irrelevant thoughts)

it was good that i was lying down. i seriously would not have known what would happen if i was standing.

my mind is picking up the broken pieces now. i think i had a mental tantrum not too long ago, just throwing things around, smashing them inside this room i have made for myself, where i hid everything about you, where i have kept you safe all this time, away from prying eyes, away from the elements that i felt would corrupt what we had and eventually, take you away. i loved this room. it had all that i could give, all that i was willing to give, and they all belonged to you. but. there is no need for this room anymore, and since last sunday, i guess, i have been wielding the full intensity of my mental sledge hammer on it and its interiors. it's irrational i know but really... fuck it!

this is, i am hoping, not too much of an emotional post (who am i kidding) as it is just me clearing my thoughts that have been swirling madly in my head since that last moment you logged off from YM when you said goodbye. it was a brief conversation but like how i am with things about you, i knew. i knew it would be the last time even if you said nothing, which i guess by far, is something that had bugged me the most about you. you say nothing... nothing at all. even when you talk. nothing. i would listen intently to what you would say but all i hear is a faint buzz, like static on those uninhabited radio frequencies. i never really understood why it was so for certainly, words were coming out of your mouth, but they felt empty, irrelevant. i only learned much later, on our succeeding conversation, that your heart and your mind were disconnected and the only way for me to make sense of you was to listen to you with my heart. good thing that i did. it prepared me for all that was about to come.

ever since then, i knew how to listen. past round-about words and nonsensical babble and listened closely to what your heart was saying. it said a lot actually and your actions, despite contrived rationalizations, betrayed you. you would say one thing and yet, you do the other. you say you would draw away but your embraces became tighter and longer everytime. you promised that the end was near and yet you became more and more affectionate as time went by. it was truly confusing and even fatiguing to an extent for everytime i was with you, i had to bridge the gaping chasm between your words and your ways. you have no idea how difficult it was for me, but indeed i still had to try. i had to. i was bound by a promise, one that now, in hindsight, i should have never made.

how does it feel to want something you cannot have? how does it feel to be in a position where you cannot demand nor ask for anything? how does it feel to be undeserving? how does it feel to be dispensable, to be in a state of weathering, fading away slowly? how does it feel to be the one, who can never be the one, but is still forced to linger? how does it feel to be left high and dry and feeling that i was left with nothing? here's an idea... it's not pleasant. emotions, a misguided hope and foolishness are really to blame, and most, if not all are mine. i would be lying if i said i never cared. i would be lying if i said i never hoped things could go my way. i would be lying if i said that i was ok with this, to be an accomplice to your broken vow. but this is my reality, and my actions, sincere as they may have been, did not correspond to it. this would probably be why i feel i have no right to complain. i really should not complain. i deserve my comeuppance, whatever THIS may be. i entered into this in full knowledge of the euphoric madness of the game and now that i am being disciplined, i should take things like how any man should, head on. i will not hide behind either comforting words or well wishes or hopes of a brighter tomorrow for i really need to learn this, however raw, unforgiving or painful it may be. if ever there is something i can take away from all of this, it's to learn a lesson that i should have learned a long time ago.

you keep reiterating that i was strong. i must correct you to say that i was not. if i were as strong as you say i was, then i would have never allowed this affair to drag on this long. i would have never given in to your plea. love made me weak, and you were the unfortunate subject of the best of what i could give.

goodbye to you as well. i, too, will end this here.