Thursday, June 18, 2009

a reply to delusions (expanded irrelevant thoughts)

it was good that i was lying down. i seriously would not have known what would happen if i was standing.

my mind is picking up the broken pieces now. i think i had a mental tantrum not too long ago, just throwing things around, smashing them inside this room i have made for myself, where i hid everything about you, where i have kept you safe all this time, away from prying eyes, away from the elements that i felt would corrupt what we had and eventually, take you away. i loved this room. it had all that i could give, all that i was willing to give, and they all belonged to you. but. there is no need for this room anymore, and since last sunday, i guess, i have been wielding the full intensity of my mental sledge hammer on it and its interiors. it's irrational i know but really... fuck it!

this is, i am hoping, not too much of an emotional post (who am i kidding) as it is just me clearing my thoughts that have been swirling madly in my head since that last moment you logged off from YM when you said goodbye. it was a brief conversation but like how i am with things about you, i knew. i knew it would be the last time even if you said nothing, which i guess by far, is something that had bugged me the most about you. you say nothing... nothing at all. even when you talk. nothing. i would listen intently to what you would say but all i hear is a faint buzz, like static on those uninhabited radio frequencies. i never really understood why it was so for certainly, words were coming out of your mouth, but they felt empty, irrelevant. i only learned much later, on our succeeding conversation, that your heart and your mind were disconnected and the only way for me to make sense of you was to listen to you with my heart. good thing that i did. it prepared me for all that was about to come.

ever since then, i knew how to listen. past round-about words and nonsensical babble and listened closely to what your heart was saying. it said a lot actually and your actions, despite contrived rationalizations, betrayed you. you would say one thing and yet, you do the other. you say you would draw away but your embraces became tighter and longer everytime. you promised that the end was near and yet you became more and more affectionate as time went by. it was truly confusing and even fatiguing to an extent for everytime i was with you, i had to bridge the gaping chasm between your words and your ways. you have no idea how difficult it was for me, but indeed i still had to try. i had to. i was bound by a promise, one that now, in hindsight, i should have never made.

how does it feel to want something you cannot have? how does it feel to be in a position where you cannot demand nor ask for anything? how does it feel to be undeserving? how does it feel to be dispensable, to be in a state of weathering, fading away slowly? how does it feel to be the one, who can never be the one, but is still forced to linger? how does it feel to be left high and dry and feeling that i was left with nothing? here's an idea... it's not pleasant. emotions, a misguided hope and foolishness are really to blame, and most, if not all are mine. i would be lying if i said i never cared. i would be lying if i said i never hoped things could go my way. i would be lying if i said that i was ok with this, to be an accomplice to your broken vow. but this is my reality, and my actions, sincere as they may have been, did not correspond to it. this would probably be why i feel i have no right to complain. i really should not complain. i deserve my comeuppance, whatever THIS may be. i entered into this in full knowledge of the euphoric madness of the game and now that i am being disciplined, i should take things like how any man should, head on. i will not hide behind either comforting words or well wishes or hopes of a brighter tomorrow for i really need to learn this, however raw, unforgiving or painful it may be. if ever there is something i can take away from all of this, it's to learn a lesson that i should have learned a long time ago.

you keep reiterating that i was strong. i must correct you to say that i was not. if i were as strong as you say i was, then i would have never allowed this affair to drag on this long. i would have never given in to your plea. love made me weak, and you were the unfortunate subject of the best of what i could give.

goodbye to you as well. i, too, will end this here.


the geek said...

my mind is focused on a single word, the label of this post.


joelmcvie said...

Takes two to tango, two to tangle, two to terminate things.

(Tangina, alliteration to death!)

ShatterShards said...

Just write it all down, and release everything into the void. And let time heal the wounds. But don't pick on the scab, no matter how it itches.

off topic: word verif - folish

wanderingcommuter said...

it seemed like alam ko na kung kanino pinasa ni dabo ang legacy niya... hahahaha!

Theo Martin said...

i love your post, and love the comments posted here by your dear friends..and that's that, when you feel alone polar bear, and i know this is not the point, but you can vent out feelings to your friends and they will respond positively and funnily which will make you feel all the more better.

Basta just let it all out. Isuka mo ang lahat. this is not the end. I'm sure marami pa...admit what you have to admit. accept what you have to accept. then do the things you have to do day by day. I wish i can say move on, but it's easier said than done. just do things you need and want to do, busy yourself, move freely whenever wherever, slowly, (at matagal talaga siya ha hahaha!), it will become less hurtful. pero kahit na anong gawin mo, don't try to consciously exterminate it, dahil hindi talaga siya mawawala, the memories, the pinagsamahan. Let time slowly take those painful memories away from you.

jamie da vinci! said...

@theo. i sincerely appreciate your words, sir. considering your similarly difficult past and the struggle you had to go through to overcome your personal hurdles, i recognize the sincerity behind it all. it is humbling, sir, to be the recipient of your hard worked experiences.

i am better now. thank you.

jamie da vinci! said...

@eric. kainez... :)

@shattershards. the void has been a patient listener, i sure hope it will not return the favor one day and i'll find myself covered in vomit. :) no itching or scab picking for me. i have more than enuf peklat already.

@mcvie. ur avatar is still so distracting! hahahaha :)

@the geek. your comment weighs the heaviest of all. thank you for you kind words. i sense it deeply.