Friday, June 26, 2009

polar bear musings 2

I found myself watching a cartoon movie this one lazy evening, Return to Neverland, to be exact, and found myself having a strange reaction to the opening credits. The scene went with Tinkerbell zipping in and out of clouds, illuminating them as she went and showing shadows of the characters that played in the first peter pan animation. It showed of the lost boys and the Indians and the mermaids, even captain hook and the crocodile with the ticking clock inside his belly. The musical score playing in the background was a medley of the tunes as well from the first movie, leading me to a sense of pleasant recollection, back to the days when I was younger, when life was so much simpler. Then the wishing me started to wish…

There had been times when I would catch myself and wonder, what would my life be if things were different? I often pondered on this question whenever I would find myself doubting, fatigued by the passing days, fuel by nostalgia (elicited by a cartoon, perhaps) and when a feeling of loneliness would suddenly descend on me. I ask this hoping maybe, that by doing so, I could answer myself that an alternative scenario was not what I needed, that I would be convinced that all I need to be happy and content and fulfilled and loved are already here… but then, I still find myself wondering, wondering what things could be, if my life was less difficult and not as tricky.

Sometimes I would think what if I was born a girl instead, just like how my mom had always wanted. She had mentioned it once before that she had hoped for a daughter when she was pregnant with me. My elder brother was already born three years prior, and I guess the pressures of bearing a male had already been relieved of her, not that there was any pressure on her in the first place. I guess she also wanted companionship at home, someone she could relate to since she came from a brood of sisters herself. By having a daughter, she might have thought, it would be the answer to all of her needs. So what would I be then, if I were really born a girl? How would my childhood be? Who would have been my friends? I wonder how I would have reacted when I first bleed, or have my first crush at school. I wonder how my relationship would be with my elder brother, or my mother of even my dad. I wonder how it would be like to be courted by a boy, to have my first boyfriend, my first kiss. I wonder how it would be like to have my first heartbreak, or to find the man of my dreams? I wonder how it would be like to marry him, to get pregnant, to give birth and be a mother as well. I wonder, what would life be if that was my alternate scenario?

What would life be then, as well, if I were actually straight? What would my life be if I were just like one of the boys and grew up, just like one of the boys? Like those kids who played sipa in grade school, who enjoyed their G.I. Joes and their trading cards and their comic books. Like those boys who saw every piece of paper, or even garbage at that, and imagined it to be a basketball and slam dunked it to whatever hoop or trash can they could find. Like those boys who talk about cars like it was a person, more so, like those who could beat you up into a pulp if you even dare put a scratch at their prized beauties. Like those boys, who were so savvy with the girls, who would eventually court them, woe them, marry them and have a family with them. Like those boys, whose lives feel so much simpler than mine.

But these are all just alternate scenarios, many of the dozens of “what ifs” that I have concocted and will concoct still in the future. Scenarios I should stop entertaining since I really can’t do anything about them. Scenarios that distract me from thinking that maybe, my life isn’t really all that bad, that my life can actually be simple too and not just think that “simple” is only exclusive to alternate scenarios.


the geek said...

ahhh...the what ifs of life...

Reena said...

hmm. good scenarios. i didn't think of that. now you're making me wonder. how was your childhood pala? i mean, did you pretend to be a boy or boyish?

anyway, life in itself is complicated already. preferences don't matter. we all go through the same emotions and experiences anyway. we just live them in differnt forms.

Theo Martin said...

two words for you:

heteronormative thinking.

got it from clayman. :)