the misadventures of polar thoughts of an arctic mind

Listening to “panis angelicus” now, while struggling with the ill-effects of sleeplessness despite the previous day’s activities and fatigue. I am at work now and yet my mind is clearly somewhere else. The crocs from the previous days are still here and pestering us, hence, operations are still not back to normal but we’re trying to manage. Hopefully, our stubbornness to give in to corrupt intimidation would be enough to supersede these detestable people’s drive for greed.

Since I am floating right now and experiencing some degree of disinhibition, as how I am often after a night of severe insomnia, I might as well give in to the narrative, as well as the unfiltered insights I have drawn thereof, of these things that are swimming in my head, mostly concerning yesterday’s activities.

I was invited to attend an art exhibit along pasong tamo yesterday. Its been a long time since I have been to one, my last being back still when I was in dubai. I would love to say that I enjoy going to these exhibits since I just love appreciating art. It is just, however, that I get extremely conscious whenever I am at these events due to the type of people they attract, i.e., the uber rich and cultured people. Not that I am saying that I find the company of these people disagreeable, just that it brings out an insecurity I have in me of being, well, not up to par, as far as these people’s level of appreciation is concerned. It’s very irrational I know but such is still the case. I recall I had the same feeling back when I was in dubai. My good friend and equally art-enthusiastic best bud, leni, would make me come along to these exhibits and as she gets more comfortable hob-nobbing, I, in contrast get more detached and reclusive. Despite all efforts to relax, my body language unfortunately betrays my true state. This gets worse especially if I cannot seem to relate to the art I am viewing, thereby, having nothing to distract me from my growing uneasiness.

I have tried to understand why I get these bouts of self consciousness sometimes and have tried to convince myself that there is no harm looking stupid or utterly ignorant during these events, since, more often than not, art aficionados are eccentrics and would really not give a damn about you, unless, well, you trump their eccentricity! Ok, I’m deviating now. HAY BASTA, yesterday, as I drove up the venue’s driveway and parked beside chauffeured sedans with consulate plates, all I could think about is that I felt so under dressed and that I thank my lucky stars I was driving the “prettier” car. I know, I really should learn how not to give a damn as well. Anyway, to my new found friend, salamat sa invite. Hoping for future art viewing and also hoping, I’ll be more focused on the art rather than the people there next time :)

On a totally different note, may I just say, I truly dislike tactless people. Also social climbers. Also those who get themselves caught in their own delusion and convince themselves that they are more than what they are. In this age of self-empowerment and unabashed, unmerited encouragement, I guess, some people just feel that the world is up for their taking and that it would eventually succumb to their drive and sense of entitlement. You build yourself up to be something, just to be more “palatable” to the people you want to infiltrate, convinced that by doing so, you will be accepted and thereby, share in their also borrowed glory. Tsk, tsk, tsk, immature and naïve child, is all I am going to say. You will soon see how the world works. the game of natural selection is a cruel and unforgiving one, and unless you are built with materials of true substance and not that of imaginary and vain fluff, then I am afraid, you will not survive the test of fire. I would invest in cultivating a more secure and well-grounded person now, if I were you. It should definitely be worth more your while then this needless pursuit for popularity. Be aware that at such a tender age, because of your misguided efforts, you are already gathering more enemies that even a grown man would have difficulty in handling.

In like light, may I just say that, grown men need not be so mindful of petty quips that should only elicit a reaction from children. There are more important issues to be concerned about really, more important than reacting to differences in opinion.

I have learned a few bits of wisdom these past few days, from the recent occurrences that have transpired in this so-so life of mine. There are people with malicious intent that walk in our midst; it helps to develop a keen sense for these people, to be wary of them, lest you give them fuel to feed upon and opportunity for them to sow their unfavorable seeds. In the moments wherein encounters with these people are unavoidable, however, a dutiful person would set them right and expose the errors of their ways. Then again, maybe I should just lay quiet and still and just learn not to give a damn.