mind vomit

the past few days have been rather unproductive. probably the most "eventful" thing i did this week was meet up with my friend richie and just hang out at his place. other than that, my days have been rather slow. it's rather concerning since i considered my homecoming more like the key to starting a new life for myself. now that it seems like i have fallen back to my usual stupor, i am getting very, very worried.

there is that slight possibility that i am just over thinking, or as my very objective brother would call it "analysis paralysis". i think too much, therefore i don't move and just think of moving. when i do decide to move, i think again, and think some more. until i am old and grey and have lost all of my teeth, i am still thinking. ugh!!!!! how to stop!!!!!????

i have always had this fear of failing and disappointing people, much more, embarrassing myself from failing. i guess i have equated failure to something quite unforgivable. i even convinced myself at some point that failure would mean i am stupid as well. i don't really know where all of this failure-anxiety came from but it has deeply rooted itself into my psyche. so deep that it has been my comfort zone to think and over analyze myself to exhaustion. somehow, even just the mere fact that i have "thought about" things, means that i have work rendered. but then, now that i look back on my live, i haven't really done a lot of things, even if i have thought about them.

i wish i was more of a risk taker and had more confidence to just throw caution into the wind and dive. i sometimes see my friends and colleagues who have this in them, like they don't have a care in the world, and i find myself envying them for not caring. they don't seem to care so much of the outcome but more of the ride. they obviously don't care so much for other people's opinions and just stick to their gut. i am so fascinated by such boldness.

i remember when i was on my way back to manila, i bumped into a swiss national whose flight got delayed. as we were talking, my friends and i learned that he used to be an accountant. he apparently got tired of doing office work and decided to quit his job and travel more than half-way around the world to australia and spend the last few months backpacking through the entire continent. BACKPACKING! i mean traveling without a plan and just figure things out when you get there! my goodness! i mean, to take on such a feat, i feel, for me would just be too overwhelming! i have a small bag just for medication for "things that could happen". for me to go backpacking would just be impossible. yet here i was listening, dumbstruck to this man, an accountant, who just did that and lived to tell about it. i was very intrigued and part of me so wanted to be like him. he also figured out from his trip that he wanted to be a ski instructor instead, or a watch maker. considering his personality, i am pretty sure he will find his way in some ski slope somewhere in the world or back in geneva tinkering with watches.

wishing, thinking, dreaming. that's what i'm good at. having the courage and even, the "stupidity" to just try things, i don't know. i guess i'm still working on that.