anobah

i'm still feeling that need to make my "birthday" feel extra special, resistant to the fact that it felt just like any other day. however, despite my efforts, i can't seem to break through how uneventful its turning out. even my day-after felt depressingly unremarkable, besides having a lunch-gift-date with joel and dan (thank you, mader).

could this be because i am older, too old to feel the novelty of having a birthday? or maybe i simply just lost it already, whatever it is that you're suppose to have to make you birthdate feel extra special?

i spent most of my entire day replying to greetings, a task i found utterly humbling since, never did i expect i would get so much. what made me feel extra grateful was receiving two calls, one from turkey, another from india, both from beloved friends.

birthdays for me used to be used for introspection, for self-assessment of the year that was, in hopes that i be able to gauge how far i have come and how far i still have to go. this year, i don't really feel i have gone that far. i also don't know how much i still have to go. there are tell-tale signs that something is brewing, somewhere. that would probably explain why i fell rather off lately. almost as if im bracing for impact. i can't seem to experience any emotion right now. it sucks really. everything tastes and feels utterly bland.

i'm hoping the coming days would prove to be more revealing. i hope things would finally be clearer and that i would be able to feel again, other than this "limbo" that i seem to be in right now.

took an emotional exam last night... a shrink confirms that i'm an intuitive empath alright. why i'm writing about it, i have absolutely no idea.

things really haven't been make much sense to me lately.