Sunday, June 13, 2010

stuck

it's not necessarily a feeling of being trapped, just stuck. i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. this would be my limbo again.

i'm starting to get amused of these curious realizations i get when i'm at church. instead of being engrossed in the morning's messages, i often find myself having communion with the deeper part of me, and maybe, God as well. this week's word... that i'm stuck.that i have wedged myself in this rather difficult predicament, unable to move forward nor back.

i know i shouldn't be day dreaming, but can you really blame me if the Almighty chooses these moments to engage me in a tete-a-tete?

i guess i have no one else to blame but myself for all this. indeed, i do recall having weighed my options before i decided to "pursue" this part of me. i'm not complaining. i liked what i learned in the course of this self discovery. four years it has been, four years of realizing that i have an under-utilized capacity... to be understanding, to be open-minded, to be wise, to be caring, to be forgiving, loving, real, kind, generous, strong, disciplined,... flawed, weak, fragile, vulnerable, obsessed, and irrational. i think in the last four years, i had a growth spurt of some sorts, something i'm pretty sure i would not have experienced if i had denied myself of exploring this side of me. yet, in the course of my journey, i also realized that despite the freedom i had allowed myself, i had also understood the many things that limit me.

there was a price to my emancipation. my emotions often run amok, wild and volatile. my old peers see me differently, no longer the reserved quiet fellow they once knew. my family frown sometimes in my choices, their disapproval often met by my sharp quips. my soul grows weak at the overload of change, the old me in battle to keep the new me tamed and refined. my spirit.... ah..... my spirit had went into hiding a long time ago.

so my God had asked me now again, now that He showed me that i am stuck... what am i to do about it? i cannot move forward. my beliefs constrains me of doing so. it's a blessing and a curse at the same time i guess. i see what happens to people who venture too far and yet, because of the emptiness i feel inside, i have hopes that i will still find something to fill up the void in the beyond...even if knowing there really is none. this would be the forbidden fruit for me, that in my decision to take up knowledge, i had also opened my eyes to the reality of how utterly sad life is...  outside of God.

so i am stuck. i cannot turn back. no one can. what is done is done. i cannot move forward, to do so would just be to fall deeper into the abyss. so i stay still, paralyzed and yet, still proud. unashamed to admit to my Creator that i again, am defeated and unregretful of my poor choices. i gloat that i have wisdom! i have experience! i am empowered! i have made myself great. too great... like Nimrod, the builder of the Tower. Proud, like Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon. Wise, like Solomon...

my Lord is patient with me. He doesn't chastise. He doesn't scold. He waits upon me and hopes that i will turn to my better judgment soon and finally give Him a chance... to love me in all the ways a love-filled God can love.