Wednesday, January 19, 2011

happy me (pardon the sarcasm)

it must be that time again when, maybe exacerbated by a day's worth of fatigue, that my serotonin levels drop to a week's low, leaving me again in state of, though despair is too strong of a word, well, maybe just persistent gloom. breathing is unexciting, food becomes bland, and things that often stimulate me now find themselves struggle to even make me take notice. though i am writing about it, i am not keen to agree that i am wallowing. just merely acknowledging it, and stating a fact. i have learned that i do have moments like this, and no, it will not be the death of me, nor would it lead me to ponder on the liberating feeling of how having a blade slice through my pulse points finally rid me of these very tiresome emotional oscillations. thankfully so, more than my penchant for drama, i have a stubborn will and, a irrational sense of vanity since, suicide is such an ugly way to die. so messy. then again, there's the pill. but then again... how unoriginal.

i am not typing feverishly on my slowly draining laptop, watching tweets pop up on my screen, reminding me of how other people's lives carry on, unmindful of mine. i used to have this notion that i was the center of the world, that i was the unique consciousness, that apart from me, nothing else exists, and when i expire, everything disappears with me. it was an interesting theory i have to say. more than a extreme case of egomania, it was more of me playing with the perception of reality. what if, i wondered back then, if i, like truman in the truman show, was the star and the entire world's activities were orchestrated around me. of course, this idea is simply too preposterous, now that i think of it, but i do miss that part of me, that part who conjured up this stupid notion in the first place. i miss him. his crazy ways. his out-of-the-box ideas, and his almost limitless curiosity of the world. it was an insatiable appetite for knowing and seeking. i dont see him so often anymore. i guess, when you reach a point in you life wherein you are content with knowing everything, even if you really know nothing, then you unknowingly begin to die.

this is my type of suicide.

i will sleep this off. tomorrow, will be another day.

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