maybe it's because of my age, maybe it's because of me knowing how it was to be an ass as well, that now, i can see through people's bullshit, especially when they try to cleverly mask it in flowery words and worse, "good intentions".
i have i have to admit, it took me a long time to develop this sense, how to sniff out genuine remorse, regret and concern from that of mere gestures of drama and empty-reasonings, and i will not deny that part of my keeness is due to the fact that i, too, was once a person who hid in false "good intentions". letting people go softy, was how i termed it, that despite the obvious wreckage of how the situation is unfolding, i tried in my earnest efforts to minimize the damage of the blow. in my head, i was doing good. in my head, i was offering the hurt party a consolation. the over-used "it's not you, it's really me" of course is no longer applicable, so instead, i shower the other party with encouraging words, trying to best pick up the crumbling pieces as they disintegrate before me. how this is different from genuine consoling, well, it's all in the root of the action. despite the seeming selfless, grandiose expressions of being the bigger man, i learned that in the core of my actions was my last ditch efforts at saving face. it was, in its essence, a selfish rather than a selfless move, and i hated myself for it.
i already saw it coming, like how your body seizes before a collision, bracing yourself for the hard blow. the words were the same. the feelings were the same. the circumstances were all too convenient. then i heard the words, and immediately i heard a voice in my head say "you lie." my friend continued on with his tale, and i continued on to intently listen, trying my best to hide my reactions. his tale was a sad one, a sorry one to say the least, made more regretful for he indeed is such a beautiful soul, only to keep finding himself in rather despicable company. his teary eyes exposed his hurt, even if he bravely tried to conceal them, the hurt of being left behind, the hurt of being rejected, the hurt of being betrayed. he was betrayed my his own longings. he was betrayed by people whom he thought had his well being in heart.
i guess, this is common among people who see themselves with little value. how i understand this very well. how i once craved for validation from others, how it was a horror to fail, how i had to be great, exemplary, spectacular in order to be accepted as normal and in the same leagues as other well-accepted, great people... who, now that i think about it, are really not all that great after all. i made myself easy prey, not really to predators, that would have been a better pill to swallow, but to equally fractured people who find my handicapped self-image complimentary to their own insecurities. i allowed myself to become a footstool. what was even more sorry was that i enjoyed it. i relished that i was being used. it gave me purpose. it made me, though indirectly feel, that i mattered, that i existed, and once these parasitical parties have had their way with me and cast me by the way side, leaving me with their beautiful goodbyes, i find myself depleted, dry, left to fend for myself when the vultures come to hover over my dying soul.
so i stopped being like that. so i stopped feeling sorry for myself all the time, for constantly thinking i will never be good enough. so i began telling myself that i am, not even great, but that I AM NORMAL. I AM OK. I AM EVEN FAR FROM OK, I AM FINE. i am no different from anyone else. i have flaws, i make mistakes, i am imperfect, but so is everyone else, and that is perfectly ok. i may not be the most beautiful, the richest, the most eloquent, the most successful, the smartest, but that's ok. i do my best, and as long as i act within the measure i was given, then i am maximizing my potential.
i convinced myself of this, and slowly, through a lot of stumbling and a lot of struggle, i think i am much better now. my insecurities no longer fuel my need for people to accept me. i learned to celebrate my flaws and celebrate other people's flaws as well. i am thankful of my strengths and hope to exercise them more, to better myself and others. i strive to be good, because that is really the only way. i also try to distance myself from the usual vampires as it will be too easy to fall back still to my old ways. everyday is an exercise, i guess, to be able to live a happy, content life. i am by far, nowhere near perfection in my practice, but even that is fine.