the war

it's beginning to happen, i suppose. last night i felt it already, that dead calm i fall into whenever i get overwhelmed with a decision. i, in myself, am now trying again to escape and my rummaging through my brain, relying on my intelligence and powers of rationalization, that self preservation and self-righteousness are reasons enough to drop something, even if there is no imminent threat in sight.

he wants to introduce me to his friends, all of them. he wants to spend more time with me. run with me. work with me. he sang to me last night, his voice beautiful. he said he wishes me to be the last thing he sees in the evening and first he sees in the morning. he reaffirms his intentions with a long, tight embrace, his body's warmth cocooning me, and a gentle kiss on the lips. he presents himself utterly lovely... but all i can do was linger in silence. silent because i wanted to stay but knew i had to go. silent because i was falling fast but fighting to slow down. silent because i wanted to be brave but was frightful for my life, frightful because this is uncharted territory for me, frightful that this will change me, frightful that i am coming undone.

i used to think it was my insecurities, my unfounded, warped self image, that was the root cause of all this i had, that made me always hesitate. but last night, as i readied myself to sleep and faked my first sweet good-night to him over the phone... i knew, the insecurities were just a ruse. it was far easier to justify that i measure myself short compared to him, rather than face the true reason, that i was not willing yet to give up my life for another, that i was not yet ready to change, that i was not ready for love and the commitment, that i was not ready to be an adult yet.

so now the tug-of-war begins. on one side is him, on the other me, myself and i.