changing

I really shouldn't be that much surprised anymore. Just when i had begun to teach myself to settle to my current situation: working a desk job; fixed schedule; a rather monotonous existence; God decides to shake my snow-globe world and make things a little more interesting for me. Disequilibriic-equilibrium, my own word for this, whatever it is, that i'm feeling. i really should be feeling frantic, anxious, paranoid, and concerned. in a matter of just a few days, my orderly world of organized, scheduled events suddenly went through a complete upheaval. my days are now erratic, my plans ever-changing, my life suddenly feeling unstable again.... and yet, a certain calm still rests upon me. there is a sense of ease in all the seeming chaos and despite the many uncertainties, i can surprisingly still feel happy. Good LORD! i'm turning into an optimist!!!!!

i read a confession yesterday, written by a great friend's significant other. it tells of an internal conflict, about how to reconcile the two contrasting worlds now part of his life. i read it and recalled a prayer i made that morning, while on my morning drive to work. i asked the Lord, is He sure of what He's doing? of what He's giving? of what this would lead me to? i had once prayed for an answer and His long silence, i had thought, was His disapproval of my request. i accepted it whole heartedly, without question. but now.... but now....

i really should be feeling frantic, anxious, paranoid, and concerned, but all of these things that has been happening to me, only raised a simple request. My Lord giveth, my Lord taketh away... if one day, He decides that His purpose for me has been realized and He chooses to take everything away, that on that day, i would at least be strong and that my faith, small that it always has been, would be enough. for i think, on the day, when the day does come, i really won't have anyone of anything else besides Him.

i made a pact will God when i was young, that i will always be of service to Him. God, i have learned, never forgets.