weaning

weaning is like slowly falling away, when you miss a saving reach and drift forever into the oblivion of forgetfulness. it is when numbing hands trace the beautiful symmetry of a jaw and you realize this lovely profile leaves no more impression. it is when you, finding your face so close to another you almost share the same breath, and yet, find no scents remarkable, no smell familiar.

weaning is like shedding your old person. this, the skin you once wore, the one faithful witness to all your ecstasy and wretchedness, finally loosening its grip and gradually wastes away. it is when the laughing echoes quiet down and passionate whispers fade. when crystalline eyes ceases from beholding past ghosts, when the rapturous taste of a kiss dissipates into the bland nothingness.

weaning is exhaling, with the hopes of taking another breath.

weaning is dying, with the promise of life again.

bro. liu

"are you crying?: kuya asked me. "yeah." i shamelessly admitted, while quickly wiping away my tears before anyone else at church could notice. my heart was moved greatly while listening to this frail, old man speaking in front. i've known Bro. Liu almost all my life, my grandparents were good friends of his, my lolo being a co-worker in the church. i recall back when i was small, every time we would bump into him and his lively wife, my parents would make me go to him to greet him "great uncle", as a sign of respect and the close ties we have with him. Bro. Liu would immediately burst out with a string of terms in chinese in his high-pitched voice, none of which i could understand but could only describe to be as maybe praises, basing on how my parents would smile in embarrassment, then after which, Bro. Liu would bend over and plant on me a very wet kiss on the cheek. this is how i remember this old man, kind, tender, full of love. so much love, that he departed his home in Taiwan, left the comforts of his family, his children, and together with his wife, slaved over thousand upon thousands of Filipinos, doing their evangelical work. not being able to speak a single word of Tagalog or English was not an excuse for them to be unfaithful to this, what was their divine cause. They traveled from north to south and set up meeting after meeting, training after training, for thirty years, evangelizing every nook and cranny they could go to, until their physical bodies wore down, until Bro. Liu had to battle cancer, and become incapacitated because of it, until his lively wife succumbed to a similar illness and passed away last year.

Bro. Liu is 91 now. he sat on his wheelchair and was speaking in front of the congregation, in the same high-pitched voice i have always remembered him to have. his voice, though this time was weaker, and broke every now and then, as he held back his own tears, his body shaking, as he said his goodbyes to us, the people he had dedicated a good part of his life to, the people he offered his beloved wife to, the people he was more than willing to give his own life to. He flies home with his son today, back to Taiwan, his heart however still here, remembering coming to this country to a group of only 15 people, but now having thousands scattered all over the country, owning their now found faith to the service of this now very frail man. 30 years, that's how long he labored, that's how old i am now.

"hudson taylor said, if he had 1000 lives live, all of it he would give to china." his parting words to us, quoting from the famous English evangelist, on his departure from China more than a century ago. 1000 lives to offer to the evangelical work in the Philippines... until the very last minute, Bro. Lui showed no waning in his love for the mission.

the day after yesterday

i prayed myself to sleep last night. i haven't had one of those in quite a while now. though it often occurs as me dozing off while in the middle of prayer, i think last night, it was more like i lost consciousness midway after trying to unload a mountain off my chest.

i came home to a quiet house last night. it was still rather noisy as my dad had the TV volume way up in the dining hall as he watched his evening drama show. my mom was fussing over something in the kitchen. despite how far from quiet this scenario was, the air about felt uncomfortable still... or it really could have just been me. mom invited me to dinner, and despite my fast, i willingly obliged. i dropped my bags on the empty chair beside me, turned over my plate and started helping myself to the left-over dumplings she bought for kuya that morning.

dad then asked me what time i leave work. what came after that, his pep talk, put the cherry on what was already quite a depleting day.

i jested to the people who asked how i was, when it rains, it pours, for it certainly does for me.

i felt so troubled by all of it that i found myself ringing up my mom from work this morning, telling her about how bothered i felt with what dad said last night. she really couldn't help me on it though. i don't think anyone could.

31 and heading nowhere. they could have just told me in my face that i was a failure.

the day after

fasting again today. i miss the clarity food deprivation offers me. how i wish i could do it longer, maybe even seclude myself from the hustle and bustle of modern life and just be peaceful for a while. i however have to overcome first the hurdle of fearing the amount of work i'll be missing if i do just that, plus contending with family worrying over me that i have completely gone insane.

started my fast last night, having my last meal at about 4pm. felt short changed with Jollibee's extra large fries since from the looks of it, the amount i got did not warrant the additional P12 i pay for for an upgrade. been craving for sweets and decided to try out their new sundae selections. yesterday was pretty much a bad day for me and i thought the extra sugar in my system wouldn't hurt. ordered the black forest sundae with my pathetic serving of fries, and a jolly hotdog. the sundae was ridiculously runny. i complained about it but basing on the idiotic smile of the cashier, i doubt she has any clue why i was complaining. kuya once told me not to bother talking to people who are powerless to create change, or are too STUPID to recognize error. i adhere to that, thus lessening my public outbursts. problem there is, most of the people i encounter ARE people of that very nature. frustrated and beginning to have mental imagery of severe violence, i decided to just leave... resolving a fact that JOLLIBEE IS A FUCKING CHEAT.

having my last meal offered me some distraction. been thinking and re-thinking what i have been doing to myself and to others lately. after almost a full day of introspection, i found myself exactly where i was in the beginning. i was able to reconcile parts of what it was that was troubling me, yet a greater part of the whole still felt unresolved, and it's eating me up that after all this time, i still can't figure things out.

i just realized, kuya reads my blog. i'm bound to get an ear-full when he learns of what i've done (again). good thing he's been really busy with work so i don't think he'd waste time knowing about me since he practically sees me every single day.

running buddy, narnian just registered for the athens marathon... wow. part of me feels envious since i can only imagine what kind of an experience that would be. part of me, however, feels quite disinterested with the idea. honestly now, i don't think i can get myself excited about anything.

trips in the works for this year. guam, thailand, singapore, canada, japan, france, italy. just toying with the idea. let's see how things work out, if even i get time off work.

i'm hungry now, but that's normal. starting to get that headache, the first signs that toxins are now flooding my bloodstream.

been having a recurring playback in my head recently. it was of last thursday evening while i was at red mango with my broux. i saw 3 new characters and somehow, their identities stuck to me. strange. i can't seem to shake them off.

been getting a lot of encouraging and comforting words lately from friends and acquaintances. thank you. i really appreciate it. reaping what i sow. this is somehow how i feel.

i also feel really empty. as if my life is full of vanity.

i am (no longer) in love

last conversation with joel yesterday evening was genuinely enlightening. it hurt a bit to come to certain realizations, but hurt has been always part of the process. hurt, for me, meant mostly, that there is something wrong and that there needs to be a change.

i am in love.

i have been for more than a year now. madly. deeply. terribly.

i have been so much in love, it gives me insomnia at night. i find myself awake, dazed, and devoid of conscious thought. i am intoxicated. my body reliving a billion and one hypothetical scenarios of a life that could have been. countless scenarios i can only allow my subconsciousness to experience in my lethargy.

i have been so much in love that all memories of him, his smell, his touch, his voice, haunts me. they elicit a knee-jerk reaction for me to clam up, retreat and detach for i have been trying for so long to get over him.

i have been so much in love that, i had thought, loving another would save me... that it would help me, finally, move on, only for it to disturb my repressed past and unleash the same haunting memories of him again.

i have been so much in love... it now scares me greatly to love again.

i find myself now in a rather deplorable situation. in my delusion that i am fine, i had unfortunately dragged in an innocent. i had subjected him to this roller coaster and had left him as disoriented... almost the same as how i was when i was trying to come to terms that the one i so dearly love cannot be mine. almost as how i am still right now.

i hope you do not hate me for this. but even if you do, i will be man enough to take it. i however have been honest with you from the start, and my hesitations have always been present. i asked you before, that i would gladly want to be your second best friend. i am still faithful to that request.

i will no longer apologize. i have done enough of that already. i think now, i have to apologize to myself, for allowing me to drag on a love for so long, it had overwhelmed me. all my actions, apparently, have been centered to numbing me of that feeling. i have to now, i have to give it my last and final embrace, and then.... really, let it go.

i love you. i love you so much i hurt every time. i love you so much, i found value in the pain i was willing to experience in honor of my love for you... because i cannot have you... even if i could... even if you were already willing to be mine. THAT IS WHY I RELIVE MY LOVE FOR YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN... because you really could have been mine. because you could have been my first. because i would have made you the last. because i know i would be good to you. because i know you will be good to me too. because even in my moral convolutions of how God loves me and how my faith doesn't condone homosexuality, i could find nothing wrong with my feelings for you. because my love for you was pure. because i believed God gave it to me. because i believe God gave you to me.

because i believe God gave you to me.... and He had taken you now away.... and i now have to learn, to accept, and believe in something new again. i am frightened of the new. my faith is being tested once more.

goodbye. thank you so very much for everything. i have to leave you now. you have to leave me too. i don't think i can be you ahya anymore.

the fury of adam

"i have often imagined myself to be a most sinister creature. to be a being so evil, so malevolent that people tremble on the very mentioning of my name. fear will be my essence, and i would leave behind a trail of gruesome acts so violent that legends would be made, stories told over stories to hide the truth, about me and my terrible legacy.

my weapon of choice will be a sword, sharp to cut through flesh and bone. it will be hewn from ore created by the same earth fury that rages within me. it will be sheath in a sleeve, made from the hides of creatures i have slain. it will be decorated in rubies and sapphires, my sister birthstones. one as red as blood, a glistening crimson, good enough to eat. the other an impenetrable blue, thick and uncompromising, disregardful of reason, conscience and emotion. i will wield it in my regal splendor, in a fashion only people of my great stature, so devoid of a soul can only perform. i will be beautiful in the eyes of my victims, their final memories of me before i snuff them out. i will slice with it, cut with it, stab and dismember. impale, behead, i will slaughter with extreme eagerness with no tinge of human mercy. i will bathe in blood and sweat. their screams will be my music. the stench of death and the dying will be my perfume.

i will make God regret and even the devil will hesitate to take me."


an entry i wrote long ago in my secret blog, under the identity who lives the life i cannot even acknowledge. i though he had vanished a long time ago. i however thought wrong.

erotic series: no. 2

got inspired by Bernini's Ecstasy of St. Theresa. of course, the original sculpture was clothe, and well, the main subject was having a rapturous time because of a vision with an angel and not because she's "double clicking her mouse". hehehehe.

i kinda got a bit frustrated with the angle of her legs. i couldn't seem to picture how to draw the thigh of the back leg from the angle that i chose. my brain seem to tell me it's not right. o well...

erotic series: no. 1

mon cher Michel Dupont

because i know you LOVE lady gaga.
because my kuya shared this video to me and i KNEW you'd love it too.
because talent like this by these kids NEED to be shared.
because i know you will LOVE it, just the way...
because i love it too.

finally said the bear

self indulgence.

that is your greatest flaw,
and your most favorite sin.

i see you now.

in the dark

waking up in the pitch black interiors of my room used to scare me as a child. i slept in a cavernous room with huge windows, outside of which was my lola's ylang-ylang tree that had been left to grow wildly, overwhelming our house's facade in its suffocating hold. night times in my dark room were always a playground for all types of terrible things. monsters and ghosts and demons lurk in the unseen corners, stalking me, waiting for just the right moment, to do what with me, i was too terrified to even imagine. peeking through half open eyes, i could see shadows come alive as light filtered through the thorny branches and thick foliage of my lola's wild tree. they danced on the walls and ceilings with the rustling of the leaves, like dark nymphs, spirits of the night, gliding around and celebrating the ceasing of sunlight. my brother slept in the same room as i and he can only sleep with the lights off. he was never bothered by the things that i see. me, being the younger, i could not insist on my preference to keep the light on. in the end, sleep was always done in the terror of the dark.

i would lay perfectly still, eyes clamped shut. i would pray for courage, i would pray for strength, but more importantly, i would pray for sleep to come quickly. and in my head, while my senses become heightened with fear, as i hear faint and unworldly sounds and begin to feel every inch of my skin fire with the slightest change of breeze, God, in His mercy to a frightened child, blesses me with the gift of numbness. He sets it in gradually, killing my feeling little by little, soothing my anxiety, quelling my panic until in the end, all fear is overcome and the dark eventually falls impotent.

the coming years has seen me grow a fondness now to the dark. in the absence of fear, i had learned to appreciate the calmness it ironically now brings me. in the dark, everything is still. in the dark, everything is quiet. in the dark, the demons now in my head become dumb. i now sleep peacefully in it. i choose it. i long for it. on the end of my long days, as i retire to my large, empty room and lay my wearied body on my bed, i turn the lights off, feel for my blanket, feel for my pillows, and feel as the emancipating numbness slowly swallows me whole.

at tayuman again

the images are here again, in my lucid mornings, in the eerie peace of my day's starvation. flashes of faces, remembering words heavy with expression, i am almost haunted by apparitions of that night, only that, i feel no torment by these moments of revisitation. i am instead, realizing, ruminating, on the multifaceted complexities of the circumstances of that evening, while lost in the chaos and darkness of old, tayuman road... when you held my hand... and my fingers closed on to a tender grip.

touch can be a dangerous thing.
when it seduces you in a flaming dance of light,
and rewards you with a pyre for your devotion.

the euphoria in the burn.

bitter-sweet

it was bitter-sweet. not in that order, unfortunately.

i laid in my bed, partly still intoxicated with a profound sense of enlightenment. the fast had made me very clear-headed as of late and had made my senses more acute. i was an empath again and was almost sure if someone asked me to tell their fortune, i could with a great deal of accuracy. my phone ran as i was about to pick it up. in my head, i somehow knew. hearing your voice put a grin on my face. hearing your news made the grin into a smile. i was genuinely happy. i was elated, overly excited, even thrilled at the thought of how your life is now unfolding. the stagnant wheels that had frustrated you all this time has finally given in and now, you are moving. one month was the time line. one month for reality to fully set it. one month for you to fully embrace your bright new future. one month to slowly wean yourself, and i as well. one month... then came the bite.

the bitterness felt all too familiar...

the month of march is upon me at last. this morning at work, as i sat in my chair reading the dialogue of tweets, as i strung pieces together... my heart sank all of a sudden. one more day, it said. i had almost forgotten. the day has finally come, and i now have to close the door i have held open for the longest time.

reading your words flooded me with good memories. i would like to think God was kind enough to ease my suffering with pleasant recollections at least. a merciful consolation knowing full well how my relationships always end. lost in a tug of war of expressions, dried out of words, i sat in my chair, and this time, after a very long time, i felt miserably alone... then the power failed.

what i would do for a bar of chocolate right now.... o yeah, i can't have any since i'm on a fast.

fasting 101

so i ended my fast yesterday. this would be my second 36 hour fast after i read this article on men's health from my office's junk pile. though i initially wanted to try it out for vanity reasons (and partly to add spunk to my mundane days), what got me really interested was when the author mentioned that by going on the fast, he enjoyed food more. ironic isn't it? fasting so that eating would be more pleasurable.

i have made it no secret that i am a gourmand. i LOVE food, not so much as to be filled by it, but i just enjoy eating. i love savoring my meals and having all these flavors i put into my mouth explode in a rainbow of tastes and textures. i love experiencing my food. i love the sensation food offers me, like a nurturing, comforting, even seductive caress. mastication. deglutation. technical terms never felt so good. however, through the years, i have noticed a decline in the ecstasy of eating for me. i never really understood why, that was, until i read this article. i was intrigued by it. maybe i really did overdo it? overindulged and needed to give my body a break. i hoped that by abstaining, i could regain my lost love and also, get a bit healthier in the process.

so here was the simple regimen. from breakfast to breakfast the next day, no FOOD. just water. simple enough right? honestly, it was. amazingly even, i did not get hungry at all. i felt a bit woozy come midday, then again, who wouldn't be especially with all this accounting work i do, but other than that, i felt ok. i had bouts of craving for something to eat, but never to the point that i felt famished or even weak. i conducted my day like any non-fasting day, even worked out and surprisingly again, found that i could still do my exercise routines with no significant loss in strength.

the next morning after the fast was probably the best feeling ever. i felt light, i felt energized, i felt, well, happy! quite unusual i must say considering i haven't eaten in more than 24 hours now. morning exercise even felt better! as lunch came and i finally broke my fast, i was eager to see if indeed i gave my taste buds the break they so needed. the verdict.... FOOD NEVER TASTED SO GOOD! sweet was sweet. salty was salty. sour was sour, and everything i put into my mouth was just HEAVENLY.

besides regaining my lost love, i have also noticed changes in my body. my torso was flatter and did not feel so firm. fasting is supposed to detox your liver and i had always felt my liver was unusually pronounced. i also noticed my skin allergies weren't flaring. i have stress allergies that can only be soothed with topical steroids. after 36 hours of fasting though, they didn't even itch at all. i had a cold the other day, a bad one. despite not taking any meds, after the fast, it went away. after i took my meal though, come that evening... the cold was back... AAAACHOO!

so, this i conclude. fasting is supposed to be a way to detox your body. it lets your body do an overhaul of some sorts, so that all that junk you've been ingesting and storing finally gets the boot. it's like GARBAGE DAY. all the sickness or symptoms i have been having are supposed to be signs that my body is no longer efficient in taking out the toxins, so by fasting and resting my body systems, my body now has more time and energy to do what it's supposed to do.

i have been reading articles on it now and am considering taking this seriously. i really think i have stumbled upon something good here. i'm aiming to progress to 3 days next week, after my marathon. hoping i can make it... and that there's no major eating out anytime soon.... hahahaha!