i prayed myself to sleep last night. i haven't had one of those in quite a while now. though it often occurs as me dozing off while in the middle of prayer, i think last night, it was more like i lost consciousness midway after trying to unload a mountain off my chest.
i came home to a quiet house last night. it was still rather noisy as my dad had the TV volume way up in the dining hall as he watched his evening drama show. my mom was fussing over something in the kitchen. despite how far from quiet this scenario was, the air about felt uncomfortable still... or it really could have just been me. mom invited me to dinner, and despite my fast, i willingly obliged. i dropped my bags on the empty chair beside me, turned over my plate and started helping myself to the left-over dumplings she bought for kuya that morning.
dad then asked me what time i leave work. what came after that, his pep talk, put the cherry on what was already quite a depleting day.
i jested to the people who asked how i was, when it rains, it pours, for it certainly does for me.
i felt so troubled by all of it that i found myself ringing up my mom from work this morning, telling her about how bothered i felt with what dad said last night. she really couldn't help me on it though. i don't think anyone could.
31 and heading nowhere. they could have just told me in my face that i was a failure.