Wednesday, February 17, 2010

this is the SHIT

while sitting on the can one morning, i found myself staring at a tub of pantene conditioner in my shower. a friend on mine said once that number 2's were always easier when you're reading something, some connection i guess with words and sphincter relaxation. i thought i was doing just that as i struggled to unleash my load. it was still quite a chore though as i felt like noah' ark was coming out of my behind. "what a pile of crap (pun intended), this doesn't work at all." i mumbled. but then again, i don't think i was really reading since all i could see from where i was seated was P-A-N-T-E-N-E. i shouldn't really complain.

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my occupational therapist cousin once casually diagnosed me as being anal-retentive, basing it from observations about my control-freakishness, attention to detail and my resistance to change. they say you develop these traits during that time in your childhood when you were being potty-trained. the child apparently gets so attached to being able to keep his poop in, that he basically, well, keeps it all in, hoping to get much attention from his success (see how simple life was back then?) i guess i got really good at it since i have very vivid memories of my mom and my lola shoving BOTTLES worth of suppositories up my ass just so that i would be enticed to go. gosh.... if only they knew what that would do to me years later.

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irritable bowel syndrome, that was what our family doctor said i had after giving me my meds to calm my stomach. "take a few of these for a few days, it should do the trick", she said. i was in third year university then already, competing for the best grades and, subsequently, had to move addresses into the resident toilet. stress apparently was to blame. i was told not to get anxious, excited, apprehensive or anything that would send my intestines into hyper drive. in case i was stubborn, my meds were a kind of sedative, guaranteed to keep me from any unfortunate accidents, most especially during exam week. needless to say, i skidded my way through college. all bad memories, neatly tucked away now in the nether regions of my expansive brain.

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SEIROGAN. this was my miracle drug. it was by far, to me, the most significant contribution of my people to the world second to gunpowder! affectionately called "tae ng kambing" by my pinoy friends, this small, black pellet, smaller than a pea and smelling like a mix of menthol and, well, goat shit, has saved my life so many times. often indicated for minor discomforts like toothaches to as serious as food poisoning, i rarely leave home without a stash of this stuff. anytime i feel my insides starting to disagree with me, i just pop in a few of these babies and wait for them to work their magic! not a few seconds later and you feel as if you took in a spoonful of vicks vapor rub as your tummy heats up, quelling whatever it is that's irritating your bowels, killing whatever germs it was that may have caused it also in the process. though i personally haven't observed it, my pinoy friends who were bold enough to ingest this stuff said that a day later, they still smell it on their burp and in their "business". they also swear on its effectiveness though, personally, would only turn to it as a last recourse, just if the less offensive western meds were not readily available. to each their own i guess.

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sports, girls and poop. these three were the most popular topics talked about in the men's dorm, according to my cousin who is currently based in the US. though i can't really say this is a global trend in all male communal dwellings, based on my experience while living out in my apartment with my guy room mate back in college, i do recall we did talk about poop a lot of times as well. nothing surprising really since neither of us were athletic and i obviously didn't care about girls. poop was the only thing we could bond on.... well, that and porn, but that's for another post. ahahahahaha!


citybuoy said...

ooh. i heard tyra has ibs too. something in common?

jamie da vinci! said...

@citybuoy. she does? what a second-rate, trying hard (to be oprah), COPY CAT!!!!!?? the whore. :)

Rainbow Runner said...

best post! :-