Thursday, January 21, 2010

random thoughts 2010

compartmentalization can be such a bummer. you would like to think that you are actually better, stronger and more mature in handling situations, thinking that this calm composure you have, surely is a definite sign. you only realize later that the only thing you got better at is how to sweep matters far more efficiently under the rug... or lock them behind a maze of doors, which ever works for you.

i saw your picture again. i recalled that this was the profile picture you once used, the same one that had caught my curiosity. it bothers me a lot to now know that this picture was edited, that you had cropped out the other person in the frame. i shuddered at the thought of what i would feel, if i were that other person and saw what you did.

i rarely say goodbye. i really would rather say, see you later, since it entertains the possibility of a meeting again. it's more hopeful for truly, the future is not in our hands. it's different however when your lola waves and says goodbye to relatives as they fly back to their homes. she sheds a tear. even if she doesn't say it, you know in the pits of your stomach, you know the reason why.

i cannot understand why the beautiful always find themselves unpretty while the ugly bask in baseless glory. even if you tell them your honest, unbiased, and objective opinion, they would rather delude themselves still with the horrible lie. it's just so strange. it almost feels we like staying lost.

i have a strange liking to hearing the sound of creaking metal, like striking the teeth of a spinning cogwheel. it's the same sound you hear as steel slowly gives to an immense load placed upon it. there is a sexy suspense in the beat it makes, from the panicky beginning to the almost heart-stopping crawl to the climactic halt in the end.

why do i only find someone more interesting only when another shows more interest in that person? not that there was never interest there in the first place, only that, there was more after i had learned others also took interest as well. i therefore wonder of my intentions. while others get attracted to more tangible characteristic like looks and appeal, mine seem to be more on the effect they generate on the people around them. hmmm, curious...

mystery and unattainability seem to be things that keep me on. shallowness and sorry attention-grabbing however, i find, are unforgivably repulsive. this must be the reason why i sometimes feel so disinterested in my life and wonder why people find me fascinating, as well as how they can tolerate my presence when in truth, i sometime cannot stand to dwell in my own skin.


Anonymous said...

jamie, hearthugs. you are you, and who you are means a lot to me. :) see you tomorrow.

red the mod said...

Because it is in our nature to seek the better route. Because we find validation that the perfection we yearn for is attainable, if only by the comparison we project. Because to want what others find attractive is selfish, and we all are.

But we are also capable of learning. Of understanding. Of compassion. You find yourself disinterested with a life that seems to revolve around the mundane. Because you are beyond it.

The past never leaves, it only decreases in significance. We never forget, we only choose to remember. It will come. One day, you'll just realize that your ok.

I deal with my demons every night. But I never lose sight of the fact that when I wake up, a new day affords new opportunities. That hope that maybe today will be the day I meet my happiness. Maybe.

Dhon said...

Hope you will include me in your Blogosphere! :)