a few very heavy messages to someone vacationing in another country later and several pounds worth of sweat in the gym, i find myself so-so sane again. i was ok enough to look at the people involved in the eye and not want to have all ties with them severed. but then, that lingering feeling, those ugly residue of unresolved emotion still sends a bitter aftertaste to my tongue.
"how inconsiderate!" "how presumptuous!" i wanted to unshackle myself already of this lot, of all this and yet, i find myself tightly bound to my predicament. there felt no way to get myself out of it, which i guess added more to the frustration. i felt cornered and every intrusion to what little sacred, personal space i had left felt like a violent invasion, to be met by an equally violent counter attack.
i did this to myself, or to a lesser degree, allowed it to happen to myself for no one treats you a certain way unless you let them. all it takes then to remedy this was to train them to treat me differently. easier said than done i'm afraid. when one's obligation becomes one's sole purpose, and other people's value becomes more than one's own, how do you change without destroying what has been your entire life, more so, the lives of others?
* * * * *
an unassuming apple dropped into a still pond. the ripples it caused spreads out evenly across the silvery pool, kissing the awaiting banks. it dropped slowly through the murky depths, sinking slowly pass visions and dreams and wants and wills, pass thoughts and fears and piercing eyes and sharpened ears. pass it all until it finally found itself on the silted floor, disturbing the peace and, beholding the deafening silence within.
