Saturday, October 31, 2009

the catalyst

it started with a change of plans, rather minor if you really think about it, and very manageable. simply shift this day to that, move this schedule to there, inform some people here that you can't make the appointment anymore and inform others there that your day suddenly had a vacancy. see... minor. but no. it did not feel simple to me at all. in fact, this rather small matter left me ruined. don't let me even bother mentioning what it did to my day. blame it on the indiscriminate hatred that suddenly found itself surging up out of me, triggered by what may have seemed to be a very benign act, but then, so is pulling the pin off a grenade.

a few very heavy messages to someone vacationing in another country later and several pounds worth of sweat in the gym, i find myself so-so sane again. i was ok enough to look at the people involved in the eye and not want to have all ties with them severed. but then, that lingering feeling, those ugly residue of unresolved emotion still sends a bitter aftertaste to my tongue.

"how inconsiderate!" "how presumptuous!" i wanted to unshackle myself already of this lot, of all this and yet, i find myself tightly bound to my predicament. there felt no way to get myself out of it, which i guess added more to the frustration. i felt cornered and every intrusion to what little sacred, personal space i had left felt like a violent invasion, to be met by an equally violent counter attack.

i did this to myself, or to a lesser degree, allowed it to happen to myself for no one treats you a certain way unless you let them. all it takes then to remedy this was to train them to treat me differently. easier said than done i'm afraid. when one's obligation becomes one's sole purpose, and other people's value becomes more than one's own, how do you change without destroying what has been your entire life, more so, the lives of others?

* * * * *

an unassuming apple dropped into a still pond. the ripples it caused spreads out evenly across the silvery pool, kissing the awaiting banks. it dropped slowly through the murky depths, sinking slowly pass visions and dreams and wants and wills, pass thoughts and fears and piercing eyes and sharpened ears. pass it all until it finally found itself on the silted floor, disturbing the peace and, beholding the deafening silence within.