it wasn't the most ideal of dinners, nor the most ideal of meet ups I had with my beloved cousin. usually when we are together, one only has to count minutes before one of us, or both of us would burst out laughing, most often because one of us said something that cracked up the other. last night, however, was not one of those nights.
the air between us was palpably heavy already while we were in the car, on our way to dinner. i had invited him out, stealing as much bonding time I could with him while he's here on a working-vacation. things were brewing in our lives and I sorely missed how we used to volley our thoughts onto each other and supported each other on our times of trial.
he recently just got himself into a relationship, and from his accounts, the relationship is affecting him in more ways that he can and is willing to take. Not saying the girl is bad, I guess it's just the circumstances that this relationship is in that is making things trickier to handle, considering relationships are already tricky to begin with, especially during the starting months. it obviously weighed him down and i quickly noticed the difference in the tone of voice he had while telling me what has been happening. maybe its was the day's exhausting that kept me from acting out the clown in me, but i was quiet the entire time, desperately trying to listen and empathize with his story. for some reason i was finding it difficult to do so, partly i guess due to the swirling thought flooding my own head, added to the noise of the restaurant we were at.
i caught something from my cousin's tale, that he found himself at a point wherein he felt that God was so distant, and that it felt that God was making things even more difficult for him. that caught me quite off guard since between the two of us, my cousin is the more spiritual. despite being younger than me, i had often sought his counsel whenever i am plagued with spiritual dilemmas. i always felt he was more attuned to all things Godly and that i could always trust his advice. So imagine my surprise to hear this from him. as his words sunk into my heart, i gradually found myself becoming more emotional. something he said stirred something in me and i could not help but reflect on God.
a Christian's life is not a life that is deprived of life's hardships. more so, being a Christian even predisposes us to more trials, to more suffering, to more tribulations. some of it is to antagonize us for as Christians, we have become public enemy number 1, as far as the devil and this world is concerned. All our actions, our very existence is a curse and an insult to the devil's administration and he wastes no time or effort to make it clear that we are not welcomed. but some of the trials also come from God, or, even allowed by God, and often, these are the ones that are harder to handle. These are the ones that test you and prove you. they are the ones that strip you, and try your very constitution. to some, they are the cruelest, most vile, most painful experiences, like that of the life of Job. So why then stay as a Christian? so why then bother ourselves to be subject to so much pressure, and it coming from both sides? why then so, when it even feels that God is against us?... but is He, really?
Psalms 73 was my morning reading today and I was touched with what I read. The psalmist questioned God why his enemies and the wicked seem to prosper? why did they continue to grow richer, stronger? the more he considered, the more he was troubled, so he retreated to God's sanctuary where, in the Lord's presence, God showed him why. God desires that He alone be the source of our true enjoyment. He is the true might, the true treasure, the true life. He desires us to experience Him, in all that He is and be our eternal supply, but in order for Him to do so, we need to be stripped first of anything that will hinder His supply. a Christian's trials are our rehabilitation to bring us back into the true enjoyment of taking God as our all. God's enemies no longer have Him as their portion, hence they chase after the wind, but God takes care of those who seek Him, seeking Him with a pure heart. Paul, in the height of his own experiences, even in prison, even at the risk of death rejoiced in the Lord.
I don't think it's being optimistic. A Christian shouldn't just see life as being half full, instead, a Christian, experiencing all that God is, should always see life overflowing.
my cousin and i capped off the night in prayer. the drive back home was a quiet one last night, but the heavy air that was there a few hours ago was no more.
