i sometimes find myself feeling panicky on times when i think about the future. it seems as days pass and the more i feel older, a part of me suddenly gets jolted awake and scrambles to do something, anything, just to feel like i am not living a "wasted" life. not really saying that i feel i am living a rather worthless life, but i cannot help but think that i can be better, greater, live a more productive, fulfilling life, than what i have now.
i would like to think i dream good dreams, much grounded dreams, but a part of me is slowly realizing the tragedy that maybe, my good dreams are just too good to be true; or maybe that destiny has prepared me just to live a life that is mediocre, that i really am just meant to be mediocre and was mistakenly given a brain, a soul that should have belonged to another person, definitely not a person like me.
i used to very curious. i lived to learn and spent most of my time wandering and wondering, finding myself in the oddest of situations and thereby finding myself learn the oddest of things, that was, until i needed to grow up and learn the sensibilities of staying put, of growing roots and, in a way, cling onto something. now, my wanderings are limited to an office chair and browsing the internet, reading about the lives of those who maintained living the curious life, and trying my best through what remains of my boundless imagination, to presume to see what they may have seen, heard, felt, tasted. maybe in doing so, something will get rekindled in me to once again yearn to break free and stretch beyond the confines of this prison i am in.
my work consumes me now, and i don't even bother resisting the bite.
i would like to think i dream good dreams, much grounded dreams, but a part of me is slowly realizing the tragedy that maybe, my good dreams are just too good to be true; or maybe that destiny has prepared me just to live a life that is mediocre, that i really am just meant to be mediocre and was mistakenly given a brain, a soul that should have belonged to another person, definitely not a person like me.
i used to very curious. i lived to learn and spent most of my time wandering and wondering, finding myself in the oddest of situations and thereby finding myself learn the oddest of things, that was, until i needed to grow up and learn the sensibilities of staying put, of growing roots and, in a way, cling onto something. now, my wanderings are limited to an office chair and browsing the internet, reading about the lives of those who maintained living the curious life, and trying my best through what remains of my boundless imagination, to presume to see what they may have seen, heard, felt, tasted. maybe in doing so, something will get rekindled in me to once again yearn to break free and stretch beyond the confines of this prison i am in.
my work consumes me now, and i don't even bother resisting the bite.
2 comments:
fack.
you know what, exactly my sentiments these days. i feel like i have outgrown my curiosity for life, and my days are dictated by routines and patterns that i have grown accustomed to doing.
i also need to be reinvigorated and to be curious again. i'm tired of being so drained by all my exhausting thoughts.
how do we emancipate thyselves?
i have this love affair with the theory of inertia. i think once we find ourselves resolute to the usual grind, despite how we feel like we shouldn't, then inertia is at play. we continue to stay in this unless another "force" hinders it. either we step on the brakes or find a REALLY THICK WALL :D
i'm choosing neither, however. there is a lesson in all of this. i am almost sure of it. i however am also deciding not to linger too long to wait for it to manifest. so i am also taking measures to rekindle that zest i have lost. i am investing the remnants of my energies to my passions. life shouldn't be just all about work.
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