Saturday, May 21, 2011

inner battles again

was listening to the radio while on the drive to work this morning, and the commentator of the show i was listening to was discussing how, through Christ, we can be freed from every sin. His topic this morning was about low self-esteem though, something i quite honestly never really really associated with sin. he however was able to weave the web, like how good speakers do, and explained any that causes us to miss the mark (which is what sin really is) from enjoying what God has intended for us, all of it can be defined to be as sin, so low self-esteem, that feeling of worthlessness, that too is also sin.

i found myself wondering, is humility and low self-esteem the same? for quite often, in expression, they are seen the same and similarly, people react to them the same way. also, how about feign humility, something us chinese seem to be brought up to practice, what about that?

i guess it's not our job to discern who is truly humble and who is faking it or who is having problems with self worth. i guess the real work should be more of a self examination, that God will enlighten us of our real condition with regards to whether or now we are truly humble. i cannot deny, though i exercise to be humble and find discomfort in people's praise, deep down, i relish it. certainly who doesn't want to bask in people's approval? in the same matter, i also catch myself exercising my authority, even if its severely misplaced, over others, forcing my opinion, unrelenting to my position, and being stubborn to see beyond reason. i also am guilty of feeling never content with what i have, more so, what i pine for those i cannot have and feel that those will complete me. it's a self feeding lust, an auto-cannibalization that leaves me often questioning my value, my real potential, and instead, cause me to invest my energies in pursuing shallow, meaningless things in the hopes that they will satisfy me.

its easy to acknowledge these things. i find no difficulty in doing so since, having feigned humility allows you to see your lesser points and yet still save face. but the work ends there, acknowledging. i dont think i have taken any measures of really changing, more so, in a deeper sense, allowed God to heal that part of me. my self-worth, ironically, is deeply ingrained to my feeling of worthlessness. i find power in pity and it is a deadly thing.

i was disclosing some thoughts to ros this morning and his reaction to it threw me off, in a sense. in my stillness i began to feel a growing defense building inside of me and the familiar bitterness leered its ugly head once again. on a positive sense, it put my rather irrational emotions at bay. on the negative sense, it once again exposed me of this rouse i play. fooling myself, fooling other people, even those who are close to me.

there is much work that yet has to be done. i pray i can be given enough strength to overcome it all.


1 comment:

midnightorgasm said...

And so after reading this post, I have to pause for a while, and think. There is so much to be thought about in anyone's life. Each one of us has his own insecurities, his own level of self-esteem, his own problems to be overcome. It is all up to ourselves and how we are connected to other people's lives to solve each of them one by one.

(It is so great to have read you again.)