the vision

he was asking me something about a driver or driving. i recall i said i had none and that i would be driving alone. he then started reprimanding me, his demeanor now agitated, his voice raised to the point of screaming.

i felt feverish this afternoon. i had started my day early with a training run and joined a body balance class with narnian, my running friend. after having a light lunch, i proceeded to run errands for my clients before deciding to head home. i had originally intended to use this holiday to catch up with my backlog, but upon reaching home, was overwhelmed by an intense feeling of fatigue. i was too tired to even sleep and found myself forcing myself to take a short nap. i soon found myself deep in slumber. so deep, it took my mom a while to rouse me. so deep, i had a very clear dream... of M.

my subconscious knew what i felt most concerned about him. it recognized the threat in his personality and was never swayed by constant reasoning, that i was ok with it, that it was not bothering me. i had convinced myself that we all have our peculiarities, that this could be M's, that his passion, his fiery nature, it makes him unique. his temper just makes him human, that i could live with it. i told myself this over and over, every time is see him get irritated with minute things, whenever he would burst in expletives when talking about his driver, or his secretary, whenever he gets annoyed with his parents. i would tell myself this, and find myself looking at his face, as i notice the lines deepen on his brow and how his eyebrows approximate, how his lips purse as the rants, how i search his face with any endearing feature while staring with my faint smile at him, trying my hardest not to be afraid, not to be affected, not to feel overly sensitive, and the empath in me, stand down.

it has been three days now since i said goodbye to M. as the days pass, i realize more and more of our incompatibilities, not really as a way to pacify my ego, but more as to rationalizing why i never developed a deep emotional connection with him. i think in the month that i was with him, i gave myself enough time and opportunity to learn as much and to consider him as much, not in respects of what my ideal mate is, but more of what is best for me. M was not my physical type, nor was he ideal in many other things, but he felt as if he was right, that he was what i needed, even that we were what each of us needed. it would probably explain why i lingered as long as i could. i didnt want to let the chance slip me by, that maybe i was being too quick to judge, or too quick to fear.

the last dinner we had that eventually became the start of the end revealed to me something about M. though i understand him in a lot of ways, and that M, in his good nature, does support me and care for me, during our conversation that night, while he was explaining to me his surprise and disappointment in my not being able to see his point in his argument, he mentions that i was unsympathetic. his saying of that, i guess, triggered the emotional (though still controlled) response he has been also complaining that i lacked. it dawned on me that i cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesnt appreciate me for what is practically my core nature. i had been willingly overlooking many of my ideals to make M and me fit and work, even to the point that emotions, or the lack of it, was no longer necessary, since i felt i can be bound by duty. but his negating my person by saying i was unsympathetic, there after by, comparing me to his best friend, that i could not take.

i wonder now, what really was it about me that he saw? what did he like? why could he not have seen this part of me?

the answer

it was a simple answer, but a rather hard thing to do. i feel with my mind, he says, and he feels with his heart. i agreed. i'm too detailed he said, i'm too analytical.

i am detailed, i am analytical. i feel with my brain for this is the only way i can make sense of everything around me. emotions, i said, wane, and therefore cannot be trusted. it doesn't mean however that i don't feel. i do. except that, i had learned not to depend on them too much. yet when things feel devoid of emotion, things that really shouldn't, despite how much i don't trust emotions, it raises concern. i am concerned that maybe.... there really isn't anything there. that maybe, i stay for other reasons. reasons of which are not the right reasons to prolong what has now been a month's long courtship.

i surrendered to the fear last night. it had nagged me for so long. i had tried to quell it. prayed for it. tried to make peace with it, but it still would not leave. they said it was all in my head, that i had no solid proof of my fears, that i was simply imagining my lack of emotional attachment to the relationship, that if i spoke to him about it, i will be appeased. so i did, we spoke... and my fears.... were confirmed.

he said, i'm not sympathetic, but that was alright. he didn't mind we didn't agree. but... he didn't see i was empathizing, something that was very me. there were so many things we shared in common... but we didn't connect in any of them.

i may feel with my brain and not with my heart, but doing so allows me to see, to observe, to rationalize, to defend, so that i can eventually love whole-heatedly. it allows me to build a stubborn grip on something that for other people, may not make sense, but i hold on anyways since i know, in my brain, that i had thought about it it well and am willing to take the risk. my method is far from perfect, but it produces for me good results.

one month is now over. another possible relationship, gone. no regrets though. i was given the strength to overcome... just as what i prayed for.

i was praying yesterday morning, asking my Lord what i will do in my life. i then had a feeling, like the type you know is the most honest, and it said it was time to let it go.

M was kind. M was gentle. M felt like he was what i needed... then again, i really should not trust on feelings alone.

the fear

what do you say? what do you do? when everything that should be perfect doesn't feel to be quite so? we're communicating. we're understanding. we're connecting and yet, despite all the good things, despite all the right things, the feeling doesn't feel like that at all.

a revelation of wants versus needs, that seems to be the lesson in all of this. though i enjoy how this new chapter in my life is unfolding, i cannot avoid but feel sometimes the fear it strikes in me as well. the fear of the unknown. the fear of having no control. the fear of failing. the fear of not being enough. the fear that this "disfeeling" i am having, could be the sign that what was given is now being taken away.

i want to work this out.

i want to be wise in handling this, just like how everyone should when handling the heart of another. i am just afraid, despite how i think i am wise... that in reality, i am actually foolish in thinking that i can handle this.

S.S. 2:14

my love is like a dove,
in the clefts of the rock,
in the covert of the precipice,
that's where my love is safe.

in this secret place we meet
hear your voice, my love is sweet
your countenance is lovely
and here you're pleasing to me.

let me hear your voice
see your countenance
for your voice is so sweet
and you're lovely

let me hear your voice
see your countenance
for your voice is so sweet
and you're lovely to me.

- Howard Higashi

the war

it's beginning to happen, i suppose. last night i felt it already, that dead calm i fall into whenever i get overwhelmed with a decision. i, in myself, am now trying again to escape and my rummaging through my brain, relying on my intelligence and powers of rationalization, that self preservation and self-righteousness are reasons enough to drop something, even if there is no imminent threat in sight.

he wants to introduce me to his friends, all of them. he wants to spend more time with me. run with me. work with me. he sang to me last night, his voice beautiful. he said he wishes me to be the last thing he sees in the evening and first he sees in the morning. he reaffirms his intentions with a long, tight embrace, his body's warmth cocooning me, and a gentle kiss on the lips. he presents himself utterly lovely... but all i can do was linger in silence. silent because i wanted to stay but knew i had to go. silent because i was falling fast but fighting to slow down. silent because i wanted to be brave but was frightful for my life, frightful because this is uncharted territory for me, frightful that this will change me, frightful that i am coming undone.

i used to think it was my insecurities, my unfounded, warped self image, that was the root cause of all this i had, that made me always hesitate. but last night, as i readied myself to sleep and faked my first sweet good-night to him over the phone... i knew, the insecurities were just a ruse. it was far easier to justify that i measure myself short compared to him, rather than face the true reason, that i was not willing yet to give up my life for another, that i was not yet ready to change, that i was not ready for love and the commitment, that i was not ready to be an adult yet.

so now the tug-of-war begins. on one side is him, on the other me, myself and i.

changing

I really shouldn't be that much surprised anymore. Just when i had begun to teach myself to settle to my current situation: working a desk job; fixed schedule; a rather monotonous existence; God decides to shake my snow-globe world and make things a little more interesting for me. Disequilibriic-equilibrium, my own word for this, whatever it is, that i'm feeling. i really should be feeling frantic, anxious, paranoid, and concerned. in a matter of just a few days, my orderly world of organized, scheduled events suddenly went through a complete upheaval. my days are now erratic, my plans ever-changing, my life suddenly feeling unstable again.... and yet, a certain calm still rests upon me. there is a sense of ease in all the seeming chaos and despite the many uncertainties, i can surprisingly still feel happy. Good LORD! i'm turning into an optimist!!!!!

i read a confession yesterday, written by a great friend's significant other. it tells of an internal conflict, about how to reconcile the two contrasting worlds now part of his life. i read it and recalled a prayer i made that morning, while on my morning drive to work. i asked the Lord, is He sure of what He's doing? of what He's giving? of what this would lead me to? i had once prayed for an answer and His long silence, i had thought, was His disapproval of my request. i accepted it whole heartedly, without question. but now.... but now....

i really should be feeling frantic, anxious, paranoid, and concerned, but all of these things that has been happening to me, only raised a simple request. My Lord giveth, my Lord taketh away... if one day, He decides that His purpose for me has been realized and He chooses to take everything away, that on that day, i would at least be strong and that my faith, small that it always has been, would be enough. for i think, on the day, when the day does come, i really won't have anyone of anything else besides Him.

i made a pact will God when i was young, that i will always be of service to Him. God, i have learned, never forgets.

the decision

there is a verse that i recall, every time i think of love. almost automatically, it pops up in my head at the very moment my heart gets stirred with the pitter-patterings of what-could-possibly-be. it is my most honest definition of love, in its simplest sense, devoid of all the romance and emotion, stripped to its true and rawest nature.

i turn to this verse as a mold of sort, hoping that what i feel would fit, or if not, at least conform. more often than not tho, what i have turns out to be something totally different. the search or the waiting then continues on. i am my Lord's work in progress, deconstructing and rebuilding, hoping at the end of it all, with much experience of Grace, will be able to say... that i am able to suffer long. that i am kind, that i do not get jealous, nor brag, nor is puffed up. That i do not behave unbecomingly and does not seek my own things, that i do not provoke and does not take account of evil. that i do not rejoice because of unrighteousness but rejoices with truth, for my love covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

that my love will never fall away.