there must be a word for it, surely there must...
this, when all your thoughts don't matter;
this, when you feel transcendent in the free fall;
this, when the past and the future disappears;
this, when you wish now could just last forever;
this, when you feel safe in your weakness;
this, when you find shelter in another's strength;
this, when hope and fear smash into each other;
this, when the wreckage feels surmountable;
this, when pain is a reasonable asking price;
this, when you are willing to die for gain;
this, when you sweat in the cold;
this, when you shiver in the heat;
this, when you tear in pleasure;
this, when you smile in grief.
this, when you finally have something you've wanted so badly;
this, when you still realize it's not yours to keep;
this, when words now don't seem to matter so much;
this, when you feel satisfied in it staying vague, lost and unnamed.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
the tao of the run
i arrived at UPD shortly after 7pm. i parked at the same spot i always park in, right in front of this building i never really bothered to learn the name of. i had always favored this spot for some reason. it was dark, semi-secluded, under the cover of the university's many gigantic trees. as i got out of my car, the heavens suddenly opened and it began to rain. "great timing" i mumbled, just when i BADLY needed to "do this". i decided to pass the time in the car and wait for the rain to let up. no amount of precipitation, unless of ONDOY-proportions, will stop me from having my run tonight, i determined.
"... feel free to join me tonight." i texted one, but didn't get a favorable reply.
"... wanna come with?". i messaged another, but never got a response.
"ei, are you joining me?" "i can't. my client just invited me to thanksgiving dinner." answered the third.
the rain stopped almost as suddenly as it started. i changed to my running gear and began my warm up jog, running in the opposite direction as everyone, like i always do. i took extra measure to control my pace, remembering that it was at UPD that i injured myself the last time. i paid attention to my foot placement (i should land on my mid foot. that my shin should be at least perpendicular to the ground. my heel shouldn't strike the pavement so much); my breathing (pacing was the key. i shouldn't hyperventilate and remember to take deep full breaths to stretch my intercostals to keep them from spasming); my running form (don't slouch. don't lean too far back either. i am an inverted pendulum. running should be automatic and effortless).
i tried to concentrate on the road, on the runners, on studying the technique of other joggers as they came, and as they went. i tried to soak in all this information, hoping that by overloading my brain, i can be made cerebral again, when my mind is at its strongest, and when my emotions are rendered insignificant.
running does this for me, i have learned. it makes "feeling" loneliness far more bearable.
"... feel free to join me tonight." i texted one, but didn't get a favorable reply.
"... wanna come with?". i messaged another, but never got a response.
"ei, are you joining me?" "i can't. my client just invited me to thanksgiving dinner." answered the third.
the rain stopped almost as suddenly as it started. i changed to my running gear and began my warm up jog, running in the opposite direction as everyone, like i always do. i took extra measure to control my pace, remembering that it was at UPD that i injured myself the last time. i paid attention to my foot placement (i should land on my mid foot. that my shin should be at least perpendicular to the ground. my heel shouldn't strike the pavement so much); my breathing (pacing was the key. i shouldn't hyperventilate and remember to take deep full breaths to stretch my intercostals to keep them from spasming); my running form (don't slouch. don't lean too far back either. i am an inverted pendulum. running should be automatic and effortless).
i tried to concentrate on the road, on the runners, on studying the technique of other joggers as they came, and as they went. i tried to soak in all this information, hoping that by overloading my brain, i can be made cerebral again, when my mind is at its strongest, and when my emotions are rendered insignificant.
running does this for me, i have learned. it makes "feeling" loneliness far more bearable.
Friday, November 20, 2009
TIMEX race, 2009
two and a half hours of dizzying scenes of chaos, heroism and catastrophe later, i found myself exhausted despite not having moved from my seat. this is what you get when you watch an action-packed film from the third to the front row of the cinema. i can't really complain, kuya's friend had to wrestle people for these tickets and seeing friends i haven't seen for a while is worth the vertigo and fatigue.
i had second thoughts of watching 2012 that saturday night actually. it would be the TIMEX race the next morning and thought that i would really need the rest. however, it bothered my conscience and the social butterfly in me that too many weekends of mine had already been laid to waste, not having seen friends because of (*cough* work *cough*) one reason or another. so against the psycho-running-freak in me, i went ahead to have my leisurely saturday night. kuya had suggested that i stay at makati with him so we would not be too pressed for time the next morning. truly, my last race, i got to the assembly point just at the nick of time. considering i like to acclimate myself, it need not be said that my anxiety level that day was very high!
TIMEX would be my second 21k run. why do i feel like this one will be quite different from the last? i couldn't shake the feeling off. though i wasn't as nervous anymore, there was still that feeling nagging within. 2012 ended near midnight. we bid our friends goodbye and kuya and i headed towards his flat. after all the necessary preparation for bed and the race, it was near 1am when we went to bed. 3hours of sleep. i wondered how this will affect my performance, hopefully not for the worse.
my alarm rang at 3:45 am. i got up. took a warm shower and donned on my gear. i decided to wear the singlet kuya bought for me and my nike compression tights. i really liked how the tights kept my legs warm and how they supported my legs from too much jiggling. the tights however didn't feel as snug as the first time i wore them. it could be a slacking of the elastic or i could have lost some more mass, either way, it got me a bit concerned. kuya and i departed at 4:30 and got to the fort not too long after. we arranged for a meeting point since we were joining different races, him a 10k run. after agreeing to meet at the gym, i went off to join the gather crowd of 21k runners. i was trying to look for narnian but could not spot him. i was hoping it would be nice to run with a friend and keep each other company. 21ks are LONG, with lots of boring stretches. being distracted with great company is always welcomed. however, i could not spot him (or his nadia auermann legs) anywhere. i later found out he got to the race late.
the starting time was a few seconds away and narnian no where to be found, i realized this race will be a long and lonely one. hunky papa piolo gave an opening prayer and a speech from coach rio later, papa P fired the gun shot, sending the wave of runners bolting forward. rather, sending all of us runners to run after the KENYAN leading the pack!!
as i did on my first 21K, i took my time running. i wanted to use the first few kilometers to find my resting rhythm and get all my muscles in tune. however, in the mad dash to break away from the crowd, i think i needlessly accelerated to much ans wasted valuable energy. mistake number one. a few kilometers down and i could feel that something was already amiss. i was beginning to fatigue and i could sense my heart was beating faster than my normal PR. lack of sleep, definitely, i thought. mistake number 2, and i wasn't even at the first U-turn. i had hoped that i could compensate by taking more stops and rehydrating as often as i could. i had hoped too that this race would have ample supply of bananas like my last race. sadly, it was only water and energy drinks for me. the frequent stopping also affected my run since u expend energy to stop, and expend more energy to gain back ur running speed. i didn't care though, i needed to listen what my body was telling me and right now, i needed to fuel up.
despite efforts of rehydrating as often as i could, i was sweating BUCKET LOADS. so much that my sweat could not evaporate fast enough, soaking my tights all the way to my socks. since my tights weren't as snug as well, it left ample room between the fabric and my skin to accomodate excess fluid, leading my legs to feel uncomfortably heavy. soon after, i noticed salt stains forming. this was not good i though. salt stains meant i was loosing electrolytes as well, then i did the math (pardon the geek). lack sleep + dehydration + electrolyte imbalance = cramps!!!!! my worse fear was looming its ugly head, this and the 10k mark was still a long distance away. it certainly dampened my spirit, but i'll get there when i get there, i thought.
i met the wave of 10k runners (with GORGEOUS papa P) not too long later as i was running back up the buendia overpass. i finally saw narnian, a few friends and kuya later. spotted carlo agassi as well but could care less about him. reaching the end of the hill, i saw tessa prieto-valdez ina cute pink number, cheering fellow races to not give up. seeing her adorableness, in FULL make-up made me forget for a brief moment that my body will soon give way. it happened sooner than expected actually.
essense, mckinly road. another long incline and my hip started to complain. my knee began to buckle and my heel hurt like hell. the life of my shoe decided to end while i was in the middle of my run, its advanced cushioning rendered useless as my feet pounded the pavement. the fatigue caused me to loose good form, resulting to undue stress on my legs, made worse for by my now uncooperative shoe. but i trudged on. no stopping now. cannot stop now... PHOTOGRAPHERS ABOUND!! curse you piolo and the starpower you bring! hehehehe.
lawton and bayani road were long flat stretches of uneven hard terrain. so long, i regretted not running with an ipod! there's nothing really more discouraging than to see endless stretches of road in front of you and realizing how much more you have to go. by this time, my right calf was already hinting it will be seizing soon as it would tighten occasionally, to which i would try to shake it off. it would relent, thankfully, probably responding to the surge of adrenaline triggered from my worry and panic. the course took a turn into the heritage park, to which we ran the entire perimeter, THE BIGGEST U-TURN EVER! it was a beautiful memorial park with lush, well manicured greens and a spectacular view of the fort. exiting the park, we were finally given our first banana! huhuhuhu. this won't do. i was tired. i was hungry. i and i had to make do with this pathetic little fruit. i gobbled the thing down as fast as i could and continued running, hoping i could replenish my electrolytes from another drinking station.
my calves finally had enough. they started seizing as i was running back lawton road leading to essensa. the intervals became shorter and i was bracing myself for the worse. my leg had salt stains all over and i knew my efforts to rehydrate were useless. i walked every time i felt a surge of pain, never allowing my muscles to cramp. as soon as i felt it was safe, i would jog again to recover the distance i lost. i know i really should not feel ashamed but i do. i could not help it when you see these runners run past by you, leisurely keeping their form and pace. looking almost impervious to fatigue while here you are, almost limping, defeated and exhausted. as soon as the essensa towers came to view and knowing the finish line was near, i began to run again, praying my legs would allow me to finish strong at least.
the final leg was the hardest. i guess my body realizing the race was almost finished, began to relax, adrenaline and endorphins began to run low. suddenly, my body began to hurt and i felt the full wave of my impending cramps, now in both legs. i stopped dead in my tracks, the pain, unimaginable! what made it worse, i only have about 1km to go. mustering all the psycho-running-freak that was left in me, i stretched my muscles to lengthen and relax, and made my made dash to the finish line. my legs continued to seize but i ran anyways, a few meters to go and it will be all over i said. in my head i was screaming. at the last moment, my body pumped me with the last bit of adrenaline to dull the pain.
the last leg. i tried to smile for the photogs, really, i TRIED.
passing the finish was emotional, exhilarating and euphoric. i wanted to MURDER someone!!!! i tried to look for a water shower, something they usually provide in runs to cool down but could not find any. my kuya spotted me soon after. just in time as i was was starting to feel faint. he gave me his energy drink and later accompanied me to get my loot bag.
overall, this race was to be my template for singapore. now at least i know what i need to prepare for that run. i was slower by 2 mins from my first 21K, finishing at 1 hour and 56mins. not bad considering what i had to go through.
2 more weeks to go and it the standard chartered marathon na!!! good luck to me!!!
i had second thoughts of watching 2012 that saturday night actually. it would be the TIMEX race the next morning and thought that i would really need the rest. however, it bothered my conscience and the social butterfly in me that too many weekends of mine had already been laid to waste, not having seen friends because of (*cough* work *cough*) one reason or another. so against the psycho-running-freak in me, i went ahead to have my leisurely saturday night. kuya had suggested that i stay at makati with him so we would not be too pressed for time the next morning. truly, my last race, i got to the assembly point just at the nick of time. considering i like to acclimate myself, it need not be said that my anxiety level that day was very high!
TIMEX would be my second 21k run. why do i feel like this one will be quite different from the last? i couldn't shake the feeling off. though i wasn't as nervous anymore, there was still that feeling nagging within. 2012 ended near midnight. we bid our friends goodbye and kuya and i headed towards his flat. after all the necessary preparation for bed and the race, it was near 1am when we went to bed. 3hours of sleep. i wondered how this will affect my performance, hopefully not for the worse.
my alarm rang at 3:45 am. i got up. took a warm shower and donned on my gear. i decided to wear the singlet kuya bought for me and my nike compression tights. i really liked how the tights kept my legs warm and how they supported my legs from too much jiggling. the tights however didn't feel as snug as the first time i wore them. it could be a slacking of the elastic or i could have lost some more mass, either way, it got me a bit concerned. kuya and i departed at 4:30 and got to the fort not too long after. we arranged for a meeting point since we were joining different races, him a 10k run. after agreeing to meet at the gym, i went off to join the gather crowd of 21k runners. i was trying to look for narnian but could not spot him. i was hoping it would be nice to run with a friend and keep each other company. 21ks are LONG, with lots of boring stretches. being distracted with great company is always welcomed. however, i could not spot him (or his nadia auermann legs) anywhere. i later found out he got to the race late.
the starting time was a few seconds away and narnian no where to be found, i realized this race will be a long and lonely one. hunky papa piolo gave an opening prayer and a speech from coach rio later, papa P fired the gun shot, sending the wave of runners bolting forward. rather, sending all of us runners to run after the KENYAN leading the pack!!
as i did on my first 21K, i took my time running. i wanted to use the first few kilometers to find my resting rhythm and get all my muscles in tune. however, in the mad dash to break away from the crowd, i think i needlessly accelerated to much ans wasted valuable energy. mistake number one. a few kilometers down and i could feel that something was already amiss. i was beginning to fatigue and i could sense my heart was beating faster than my normal PR. lack of sleep, definitely, i thought. mistake number 2, and i wasn't even at the first U-turn. i had hoped that i could compensate by taking more stops and rehydrating as often as i could. i had hoped too that this race would have ample supply of bananas like my last race. sadly, it was only water and energy drinks for me. the frequent stopping also affected my run since u expend energy to stop, and expend more energy to gain back ur running speed. i didn't care though, i needed to listen what my body was telling me and right now, i needed to fuel up.
despite efforts of rehydrating as often as i could, i was sweating BUCKET LOADS. so much that my sweat could not evaporate fast enough, soaking my tights all the way to my socks. since my tights weren't as snug as well, it left ample room between the fabric and my skin to accomodate excess fluid, leading my legs to feel uncomfortably heavy. soon after, i noticed salt stains forming. this was not good i though. salt stains meant i was loosing electrolytes as well, then i did the math (pardon the geek). lack sleep + dehydration + electrolyte imbalance = cramps!!!!! my worse fear was looming its ugly head, this and the 10k mark was still a long distance away. it certainly dampened my spirit, but i'll get there when i get there, i thought.
i met the wave of 10k runners (with GORGEOUS papa P) not too long later as i was running back up the buendia overpass. i finally saw narnian, a few friends and kuya later. spotted carlo agassi as well but could care less about him. reaching the end of the hill, i saw tessa prieto-valdez ina cute pink number, cheering fellow races to not give up. seeing her adorableness, in FULL make-up made me forget for a brief moment that my body will soon give way. it happened sooner than expected actually.
essense, mckinly road. another long incline and my hip started to complain. my knee began to buckle and my heel hurt like hell. the life of my shoe decided to end while i was in the middle of my run, its advanced cushioning rendered useless as my feet pounded the pavement. the fatigue caused me to loose good form, resulting to undue stress on my legs, made worse for by my now uncooperative shoe. but i trudged on. no stopping now. cannot stop now... PHOTOGRAPHERS ABOUND!! curse you piolo and the starpower you bring! hehehehe.
lawton and bayani road were long flat stretches of uneven hard terrain. so long, i regretted not running with an ipod! there's nothing really more discouraging than to see endless stretches of road in front of you and realizing how much more you have to go. by this time, my right calf was already hinting it will be seizing soon as it would tighten occasionally, to which i would try to shake it off. it would relent, thankfully, probably responding to the surge of adrenaline triggered from my worry and panic. the course took a turn into the heritage park, to which we ran the entire perimeter, THE BIGGEST U-TURN EVER! it was a beautiful memorial park with lush, well manicured greens and a spectacular view of the fort. exiting the park, we were finally given our first banana! huhuhuhu. this won't do. i was tired. i was hungry. i and i had to make do with this pathetic little fruit. i gobbled the thing down as fast as i could and continued running, hoping i could replenish my electrolytes from another drinking station.
my calves finally had enough. they started seizing as i was running back lawton road leading to essensa. the intervals became shorter and i was bracing myself for the worse. my leg had salt stains all over and i knew my efforts to rehydrate were useless. i walked every time i felt a surge of pain, never allowing my muscles to cramp. as soon as i felt it was safe, i would jog again to recover the distance i lost. i know i really should not feel ashamed but i do. i could not help it when you see these runners run past by you, leisurely keeping their form and pace. looking almost impervious to fatigue while here you are, almost limping, defeated and exhausted. as soon as the essensa towers came to view and knowing the finish line was near, i began to run again, praying my legs would allow me to finish strong at least.
the final leg was the hardest. i guess my body realizing the race was almost finished, began to relax, adrenaline and endorphins began to run low. suddenly, my body began to hurt and i felt the full wave of my impending cramps, now in both legs. i stopped dead in my tracks, the pain, unimaginable! what made it worse, i only have about 1km to go. mustering all the psycho-running-freak that was left in me, i stretched my muscles to lengthen and relax, and made my made dash to the finish line. my legs continued to seize but i ran anyways, a few meters to go and it will be all over i said. in my head i was screaming. at the last moment, my body pumped me with the last bit of adrenaline to dull the pain.
the last leg. i tried to smile for the photogs, really, i TRIED.overall, this race was to be my template for singapore. now at least i know what i need to prepare for that run. i was slower by 2 mins from my first 21K, finishing at 1 hour and 56mins. not bad considering what i had to go through.
2 more weeks to go and it the standard chartered marathon na!!! good luck to me!!!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
mornings
ugh. mornings.
worse, mornings after a long night and not getting much sleep. you wake up to a dark room, too dark for it to be day yet but basing on the cacophony outside, you know that you having woken up earlier than expected is just wishful thinking. you lay there for a moment, lingering a bit longer, waiting for something to happen, anything, to maybe give you that JOLT to make you pry yourself off your bed, your body snugly nestled under its pile of blankets and pillows. you hear yourself breathing, the turbulent roaring in your ear. your mind then goes on a conversation with itself, well, mine does anyway. it ponders, whether to be victorious to the first challenge in the day, the battle against inertia.
the ticking of the clock against the quiet of the room becomes irritatingly apparent. a quick glance at it only shows that i have been immobile far longer than i usually should. your mind gives off a sigh. your muscles tense up. you take a deep, expanding breath and grab the surrounding air. inertia overcome. you release a steady groan, the reign of stillness comes to a violent end.
the day awaits.
worse, mornings after a long night and not getting much sleep. you wake up to a dark room, too dark for it to be day yet but basing on the cacophony outside, you know that you having woken up earlier than expected is just wishful thinking. you lay there for a moment, lingering a bit longer, waiting for something to happen, anything, to maybe give you that JOLT to make you pry yourself off your bed, your body snugly nestled under its pile of blankets and pillows. you hear yourself breathing, the turbulent roaring in your ear. your mind then goes on a conversation with itself, well, mine does anyway. it ponders, whether to be victorious to the first challenge in the day, the battle against inertia.
the ticking of the clock against the quiet of the room becomes irritatingly apparent. a quick glance at it only shows that i have been immobile far longer than i usually should. your mind gives off a sigh. your muscles tense up. you take a deep, expanding breath and grab the surrounding air. inertia overcome. you release a steady groan, the reign of stillness comes to a violent end.
the day awaits.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
small things
details. they say that you will eventually find God in them. that in His vast greatness and multifariousness, it is strangely yet ever so sweetly ironic that you learn to appreciate Him in the most minute of things. the curl of a lip, the texture of a thumbnail, the cleft on a nose, the slant of the eye, the shape of a chin, the smile, the grin, the gaze, the beating silence that exists between two people screaming inside.
i have often wondered why it is that i notice these things, more so, find significance in them rather that the more overt displays that we humans are so keen to do. considering how much more effort one has to exercise to process these many minuscule accounts, surely, i would sometimes think, surely there is something more to these things than them just being mere incidentals, by-products of the lives we lead.
maybe i just like to be difficult, and add a few more layers to the abundantly complex life i already lead.
maybe i just like to be different, and do things others don't do, even if it's utterly unnecessary.
but as i spot and observe the million and one small slivers that we humans unconsciously give out amidst the gamut that is our gross actions. as i sense and feel and realize and appreciate the small things that i do see, i cannot help it but feel glad that i do, for in learning to acknowledge what people often do not pay much attention to, you learn many things people also do not know:
like how a brush of the knee can be excruciating and yet, euphoric;
like how a hug can send you to heaven and then to hell at the same time.
amidst a tumultuous sea of uncertainties, finding this one nugget of truth in all of it was truly worth the arduous swim.
i have often wondered why it is that i notice these things, more so, find significance in them rather that the more overt displays that we humans are so keen to do. considering how much more effort one has to exercise to process these many minuscule accounts, surely, i would sometimes think, surely there is something more to these things than them just being mere incidentals, by-products of the lives we lead.
maybe i just like to be difficult, and add a few more layers to the abundantly complex life i already lead.
maybe i just like to be different, and do things others don't do, even if it's utterly unnecessary.
but as i spot and observe the million and one small slivers that we humans unconsciously give out amidst the gamut that is our gross actions. as i sense and feel and realize and appreciate the small things that i do see, i cannot help it but feel glad that i do, for in learning to acknowledge what people often do not pay much attention to, you learn many things people also do not know:
like how a brush of the knee can be excruciating and yet, euphoric;
like how a hug can send you to heaven and then to hell at the same time.
* * * * *
amidst a tumultuous sea of uncertainties, finding this one nugget of truth in all of it was truly worth the arduous swim.
Monday, November 9, 2009
the weekend past
two days of no internet at home can drive someone insane... and fat, that was what my theorizing brain is currently formulating. restless waiting, agitated rummaging, pacing the house, grazing, fridge opening, grazing some more, and finally, indiscriminate devouring. those were pretty much the activities of my weekend, thanks to a failed internet connection by my very reliable (and over priced) internet provider. i was already close to screaming my head off this morning to the unlucky operator who would answer my very irate call when all of the sudden, my twitter gave out a beep... darn. internet is back on i guess, and just when i was just itching to be evil this monday morning.
anyway, discoveries during the weekend. surprisingly, not until you take something away, do you realize how many more other things there is to do to pass the time. going out this weekend was out of the question for me, for reasons too personal and too emotionally laden to write about, so that's out of the picture. um..., i ran again sunday morning at the Fort. i realized it has been a week since i last ran and that i have 1 more week to go before the Timex run, so i had to train for that. i haven't read a book in a long time, so i am now starting to read this new Dan Brown novel, The Lost Symbol. i also found out that i haven't been watching TV in a long while. the shows currently on bore me to death and since we don't get the discovery channel, there doesn't seem to be anything mind stimulating enough to see. i usually end up watching CNN or if i'm lucky, catch a BBC documentary.
tried text messages as well, hoping to strike some decent conversation. however, i can't really say that endeavor was successful. besides kinky responses, nothing much proved to be worth the peso i spend. don't get me wrong, i don't mind the responses, it's only that it was not what i needed. there will be time for that eventually... er, i hope.
sigh... what a wasted weekend.
i also realized. i need to update my wardrobe. all my clothes are so ill fitting now.
anyway, discoveries during the weekend. surprisingly, not until you take something away, do you realize how many more other things there is to do to pass the time. going out this weekend was out of the question for me, for reasons too personal and too emotionally laden to write about, so that's out of the picture. um..., i ran again sunday morning at the Fort. i realized it has been a week since i last ran and that i have 1 more week to go before the Timex run, so i had to train for that. i haven't read a book in a long time, so i am now starting to read this new Dan Brown novel, The Lost Symbol. i also found out that i haven't been watching TV in a long while. the shows currently on bore me to death and since we don't get the discovery channel, there doesn't seem to be anything mind stimulating enough to see. i usually end up watching CNN or if i'm lucky, catch a BBC documentary.
tried text messages as well, hoping to strike some decent conversation. however, i can't really say that endeavor was successful. besides kinky responses, nothing much proved to be worth the peso i spend. don't get me wrong, i don't mind the responses, it's only that it was not what i needed. there will be time for that eventually... er, i hope.
sigh... what a wasted weekend.
i also realized. i need to update my wardrobe. all my clothes are so ill fitting now.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
the willow - study
will be inking this tonight. been working on it, on and off, for almost a week now. i needed the distraction.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
this made my day
you all know russel right???!!!!
bwahahahaha!!! i LOVE IT!!!!!
thanks narnian for posting this link....
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