what's love got to do with it?

kuya and i had a little chat while on the drive to his friend's wedding reception. while on the drive, i asked him about this "thing" my mom had brought up that morning, about another suitor taking interest in the girl he was showing intentions for. though i didn't really want to blow things out of proportion, i guess, the queen in me just needed some tension and drama, i nudged the idea that this means competition for my kuya, and indirectly, i was feeling the need to wage war for some reason. kuya, being the level-headed specimen that he always is, could not be bothered by my calls to arms, or he looked like he couldn't be.

as i eventually calmed down and the discussion progressed, i learned that now that both of us are older, my kuya and i are starting to think more and more alike, a fact that i greatly welcomed since i always thought my kuya to be one of the smartest people i know. when asked on the issue of love, he and i seemed to be on the same page, that is, love is not a feeling, but really a decision. we choose the people we want to be with, not just because of a feeling, but because we believe we can build a life with that person. feelings are too superficial, and do not anchor itself deep enough to create stable relationships. it sounds cold, it sounds frigid even, most especially to those who swear that romance is the way to go. true, i think romance should be present, but what if romance dies and people start pondering on the the idea that since they fell in love, that maybe they have fallen out of love? kuya said such ideas to be ridiculous. love is not passive that you just fall in and out of, love is an action and is an active word. it requires decision and commitment, and not just relying on the whims of erratic emotions.

i was quiet now, ruminating on his words, now a small smile forming on my face. it got me thinking of irog, again a slight recalibration on my part, a re-reminder as to why i am here with him in the first place, why i decided on him after just a few dates, why, even with our differences and personal unlovely details, those don't seem to matter so much since thankfully, love is a decision, and five months running, i'm still sticking to my decision.

the fraying

it was that lady crossing the street, unmindful of my car's speed and my blaring horn scolding her for jaywalking and crossing into my line of way, not even mentioning that she had her kid in tow, her child shielding her grossly rotund body in the case i decide to run her over and maybe rid this world of one more idiot, not much harm done since it seems, we have in abundance of them.

it was that cop that pulled me over while i was driving along EDSA, for violating some traffic rule stating that if one is on the U-turn lane and fails to take a turn, then pull the son-of-a-bitch over. of course he fails to notice that i would be on the right lane, if only he'd do his job and bust the maniacal manner of driving the buses take, as well as the crisscrossing motorcyclists who ride as if playing "patintero" with death. of course he threatens to fine me a ridiculous amount of money for the most minor of offenses. of course he was extorting me for snack-money.

it was the jeepney driver who would stop in the middle of the street, completely obstructing traffic, just so he could take his time to drink his bottle of water, while waiting, hoping that some passenger would decide to ride in his vehicle. never mind the incessant clamor of motorists, now piling up behind him slowly growing livid as to why he was not moving.

it was the kid who played outside our house, sprawled on our driveway, engrossed in his precursor-to-gambling game, expletives building much of his vocabulary, since his mother, equally engrossed in her game of bingo, sitting a few feet behind him, communicates with him the same way.

it was that guy who would bum across our house the entire day, smoking, drinking, playing his tapes of heavy-metal music, guns 'n roses, metallica, parokya ni edgar, every morning. he sits in front of the speakers while they bombard his probably damaged eardrums, reading the paper or maybe, eating off the floor, food provided by his elderly in-laws who day in and day out work selling fruits at divisoria.

it was seeing that picture in the papers about how so many people were rallying to oppose the Rh bill. a movement headed by many empowered and self-righteous religious groups since they believe the bill will corrupt the morals of the people. of course it's debatable what morals they are trying to protect, more so, if they really are even the right people to protect them.

it was seeing the local shows we have on TV and realizing how i miss my sesame street.

it was seeing the kind of people who run the country, a band of (in no particular order) thieves, murderers, cowards, idiots, criminals, lunatics, geriatrics, celebrities, cronies.

it was hearing and reading about the 50 Japanese workers who decided to stay behind. 

i told my mom, while on the drive home from lunch, after pondering all of these things.... that i do not want to grow old fighting to survive these things, that it's time we begin to considering leaving now. she, after being so resistant all these years, for the first time, agreed.

jenga

a soup of words, 

is as best as how i

could describe them. 

semi-formed poems,

thoughts, feelings, all 

swimming in my head,

bumping, waiting, waiting

for the right sentences

to form, as if the words 

try to set themselves onto

these pre-formed molds, 

a kind of fixed measure 

for what my brain sees as 

perfect and beautiful. 

sentences merging together

to make paragraph blocks, 

an architecture of words,

building, forming shapes,

forms, buildings, structures

that inspire, intrigue and awe,

spires, towers, and cathedrals 

that aspire to reach heaven.

one on top of the other

they pile, stacking till ever 

so high, so high until i have

none more to say,

none more to write, 

think or do.

my stores are depleted, 

my ideas all 

exhausted

either that or 

when my thoughts

fail me and everything

 just comes

crashing 

                  down.

hiatus is OBER!

the past month and three quarters had been toxic to say the least. so toxic that my body had no other recourse but to bog down and allow me to get sick, thinking that would cause me to slow down long enough for it to recoup. unfortunately for it, my brain, stubborn as it has already been defined, chose to completely ignore the fact that i was already running a fever, my innards are refusing to function what is medically normal, i was loosing sleep, eating uncontrollably, developing the worst stress-induced eczema flare-ups, and other maladies i don't even want to mention. indeed, slowing down and taking a break seemed like the only option i cannot take as i trudged on, till today, to finish everything i had gotten my eager hands on. day-job where work seems endless, freelance design duties that requires utmost vigilance, articles with deadlines to meet, family duties, boyfriend duties, friends, Romans, COUNTRYMEN!!!!!

the blog was the first to suffer. i had wanted to write for many an occasion already but just as i was supposed to hit the first letter, something more urgent came up. either it was to conserve the words in my head before i hemorrhage them all onto my two articles, or i save up on much needed energy to survive the very long day ahead, i had to give up writing and ranting on this blog for a while since, well, it was the least of my priorities at those times (sorry blog).just when things started to feel like, well, its time to end this journal of mine because life is now getting in the way, my stubborn brain again exercises its "stubbornaity" and churns out THIS post, just to end the inertia of inactivity and rantlessness.... as if the world really needs more ranting.

so what is there now to write about? besides work, that is? sex? never really on this blog, though i have to say, i have been tempted to do so many times, then decided against it. i'm not that desperate for attention. also, nothing much to write from the home front either.

wait.... sorry.... a supplier called. wait, what was i talking about again? sex? what about sex?

now i lost my train of thought. LECHE.