about consciousness

i have been thinking of you lately. yes you. i know you still read me, and i don't really care if people know it as well. there's nothing really much to hide,and there's nothing really wrong of me saying that i am thinking of you.

i try to recall what you were, what you felt like, how you smelled, how you made me feel. it seemed that time is already playing its tricks for i swear, your identity is becoming vaguer and vaguer as the days pass. sometimes i wonder, whether this feeling i have whenever i would catch myself thinking of you, this feeling, is it still even real, or am i now just imagining it, half dutiful to myself that it is my role to feel this longing. i smile seeing you face in my head for no reason, then i look out my window and wonder, was i really that happy?

i have never cried when i ended a relationship, even if i felt bad inside. i really never knew why. i knew in my head that i was deeply saddened, but it seems the pain just never surfaced. i guess i handle it differently, in small minor doses, just enough to keep me longing. just enough to leave me with long time regrets.

a friend and i came to a conclusion that maybe, we are not the relationship types. i think, though i tend to be emotional, that when i begin to feel vulnerable, that i eventually grow cold, over calculating, and eventually distant. my feelings end up buried under theories and far too soon, what could have been a lovely relationship end up in a mess.

funny. i find peace in knowing about this about myself. maybe because i should learn to stay clear now of people i could hurt. maybe this is my curse. i know too much.