life, these past few days, seem to be pushing me to be jaded again. two friends, two different stories, both about the same topic, love... and how they lost in the game. both took the gamble. both knew the odds were slightly not in their favor. both hoped for the best, and now... well, both, i hope, are trying their best to move on.
i had almost forgotten how frustrating it feels to be in the same situation. forgive the analogy but, like you had invested in a business that went belly up, is what it feels like. it's a mixture of agitation, self-loathing, self-doubt, and well, everything else nasty. of course for the time being, all this negative-emo-junk is still yet directed to the self. it's the first casualty unfortunately in this very tricky game. once that has been totally obliterated by the merciless auto-cannibalism you inflict, and while your conscience recuperates from the onslaught, whatever remnants still left of this burden is then projected to the "other" party. it sits in the pits of ur stomach, then suddenly surges out like a pyroclastic explosion. yes... bitterness sets in. the residue of self-spite. bile spitting, projectile sarcasm and what-nots, all focused on that one person who (REALLY) was the cause of all this misfortune... that person who tore your heart out and gave it to his ratty-looking chihuahua to eat for breakfast.
oh the rage. oh the intense hatred! there's a malevolent PASSION suddenly to inflict load mounts of indescribable pain! revenge is not really what it is... rather, JUSTICE. there has been an imbalance set in the universe and YOU, my pained, dumped friend, have been divinely tasked to set back the cosmic equilibrium!!!!!
you then simmer in the spite, melting every tough joint and sinew in the slow, long boil. your countenance changes. your energy shifts, and not too long, you find yourself in a downward spiral into a dark and bottomless pit. by this time, the person who hurt you initially would have already found someone else. the person the universe had meant for you had already come and gone. the moments made to complete you had already passed. the sweet climax of a fulfilling and wonderful life had already dissipated... all because you chose to hold on to something small, and truly so, rather insignificant.
maybe because it makes you feel alive.
maybe because pain and misery make you feel relevant.
maybe because, even if it hurts, this feeling is still of that person who could not love you back, and you cannot bare to let that person go.
maybe because you fool yourself to think, there's no more beyond this point.
maybe because, you're really narrow-sighted.
maybe because you really like small and insignificant things...