it was her fragility that endeared me to her. her inherent clumsiness, coupled with a delicate frame made her almost like a walking accident-waiting-to-happen. she was adorably cute, she was graciously kind, she was utterly sweet. all those, and maybe more, were the things i saw, i felt, i loved. i tried to be nice to her, tried to care for her, but in the end, despite my earnest and sincere efforts, her heart was for another, and because of it, i experienced my first heartbreak.
it hurt like hell, to be quite honest. i felt rejected. i felt worthless and unworthy. it didn't really matter if i knew i did the right thing, that i respected her space, that i made myself available for her only as a friend, since that was all she wanted from me. when you're in pain, none of that really means anything. all you feel is the rawness of the hurt, and the gasping of a heart suffocating of life-breath. i could not really find any comfort from anyone, since, i guess heartaches, though we all experience it, it uniquely subjective. your situation is custom-made to hurt just for you. people tried though, but it did nothing to salve me. all i could do was sit, quietly, and live through the pain, hoping in the end i would heal, and that good will come out of this.
good, eventually did.
in physiology, they taught us the immense value of pain, how it is essential to our survival. pain is our body's way of telling us that something is wrong. it teaches us to seek help and also teaches us what to avoid in the future. i guess this pertains as well to other types of pain. my first heartache was years ago, and i have learned a lot since then. i have learned to look before i leap. i have learned that emotions are not everything. i have learned that i can love without expecting reciprocation and be ok. i have learned to discern between love and lust. i have learned to enjoy the company of someone, without overstepping boundaries. i have learned to have boundaries. i have learned to increase my capacity. i have learned to be at peace in pain.
i have had many heartaches still after that first one, and though each still offer me great discomfort, i can say with each, i come out better. with each lesson learned, i guess, is a forward step closer to a fully-transformed me. older, wiser, more centered, a step closer to the ideal me, made perfect to meet my match.... God willing, that is :)