through the storm

i cannot say that i have lived a long and full life yet, though on many instances, i may certainly feel like that. so on the often occasions when trials come my way, i sometimes have to remind myself not to groan or complain or murmur that i feel so oppressed, for certainly, someone as young, as immature, as fresh as i, cannot compare to those who indeed can claim that they have lived and have gone through many (unpleasant) things, but yet, have surpassed them all and have come out alive, quiet, seasoned, perfected and content.

recently, i was dealt a heavy blow, so heavy that i was rocked to my core. it challenged all that i had believed in, but more so, it exposed me of my delusion, something that i was the most thankful for.

i had always thought that i had well exercised faithfulness in my short, and rather different existence. but as i was dealt that blow and my faith was indeed tested, i learned, rather bitterly, that i had actually none but what i had thought was faith was actually just a convenient surrendering to the situation. though outwardly they looked the same, one was supported by an omnipotent God, while the other was a hollow act by an arrogant man. there was no power in my seemingly righteous act, neither was there anything righteous about it, and i was exposed.

it was a most horrible and frightening feeling, so much so that i still feel it now, the agony of it all. but despite the pain, despite the suffering, i also can say i was not left with nothing, though everything i knew and held dear was taken away. in my destitute, God finally became real, which i guess was the real reason for all of this, and clinging on to Him became the true exercise of faith. everything needed to be taken away, because God was to give me something greater, so great that it needed maximum room, room i did not have because i had cluttered myself with insignificant things.

john nelson darby said it well, "oh the joy of having nothing, and being nothing, and seeing nothing, but a living Christ in glory..."

i will not say that i do not pine for the things i treasured before, for the concepts, the self-righteousness, the might i had in me to overcome with my own strength. old flavors and old appetites take time to change, but time i do have, that and the wonderful experiences of having everything i need when i give up everything i want.

o what mercy.

o what glorious, all-sufficient grace.