no connection

kuya and i were at the powerplant mall last weekend when i chanced upon this designer/ stylist as he got on the escalator. i pointed him to my kuya and commented "he seems like a very sad and lonely man". kuya wondered why i had that opinion of the designer since, obviously, i didn't really know him personally. i said i follow his Twitter and more often than not, his tweets would always carry a rather melancholic undertone... that and he shops like there's no tomorrow. the latter statement was my kuya's light bulb moment as he quickly interjects that the designer might be trying to fill up the void he feels with all that shopping. i certainly hope my speculations are untrue.

while working out at the gym this morning, just like how strange things just kind of POP into my head, i suddenly found myself thinking of a friend and his relationships. odd thing about me, i unconsciously gather information on the people i meet and eventually find myself noticing   patterns in their behavior. this friend was not an exception. despite how it may be that his carries himself with much confidence, even to an authoritative degree, i cant help but feel that this air that he carries feels "brittle", for lack of a better term. like if i were any meaner and malicious, i could easily tear him down. i also could not help but feel like whenever i am around him, even if i am not directly interacting with him, that i find his presence quite draining, almost as if my energy diffuses towards him. i don't know if its just me (which could probably be just that) or i should just trust my gut.

i recall a portion of my morning reading this morning while, well, reading. it was about the difference between salvation and redemption. i often mix the two and interchange them, though there really isnt anything wrong with doing so since both were accomplished by Christ when He died on the cross, it needs to be said tho that there is a difference between the two, their main difference is the point from which we were saved and redeemed from. when man fell and sin entered into creation, when Satan usurped us and frustrated God's plan for us, we became captives. because we we stolen away, God, through Christ, had to save us back unto Him, save us back from our sins, Sin, the world, Satan and of death, which He did when He was crucified and died, as He died for all. His death, as the unique death, as the unique sacrificial lamb, also redeemed us. He paid the highest price to buy us back because according the the righteousness of God and according to the law, we all who have sinned are all destined to die. Christ's death and the shedding of His blood satisfied the highest requirement of the law, thereby redeeming us all back unto God. Now, because of that all-accomplishing death, we are saved from sin, Satan, the world and death, and have now the right to be reconciled back to God.

i thought of this portion as i pondered on my feelings, of feeling unworthy, of feeling condemned, of feeling lost. i then recalled this part, that i have been saved from all that weighs me down and that all had been dealt with already for me. more than that, i had also been purchased, bought, redeemed with the blood of my God, of which, i too am liberated from the judgment of the law. i have no excuse to feel negative, nor depressed, nor weak, for God had done everything already for me.

PUCHA!

my blog doesnt exist DAW!!!!??? lecheng google yan. actually... LECHE tong araw na to!

in the sauna

it can be rather exhausting, sitting in a room filled with strangers, trying to mind your own business, but really, honestly, all you can think about is everyone one else around you. you try your best not to fidget, not to move suspiciously nor cause any undue attention to your person since, to do so would be counter-productive, counter-productive to this game you had begun to play, to be this pretend-person, this unreal imaginary figure, who seemed to be completely detached from his present surroundings, but in truth, he is so immersed in it, it almost feels like he's drowning.

you hold your chin level, almost parallel to the wooden floor. this was your default, nonchalant position. you keep your head erect, your shoulders low, your arms loose as you do not want to look intimidating despite your bulky frame. you try to keep your form looking relaxed, even if your entire body is ready to jump at the slightest nudge. you control your breathing, almost to a maniacal degree. one breath every 2 seconds, you exhale with mouth agape. you toy with your ankle, and twist it around like drawing small circles in the air, a way to distract, you thought, to keep people's attention away from the nervousness that is beginning to show on your face, but at the same time, to draw attention to yourself, like winding back the line to the spool, the hook, you sense, is now in place.

it starts from the feet, from the tensing of the ligaments of the toes, their force marked on the thin skin that fails to hide them. it leads up to the leg, to the flushed calves and the engorged shin, now pink with blood, beads of sweat outlining the sharp bone that cuts through its length. it continues on to the muscular thighs, to thin valleys and fine troughs that score its surface like ripples of ungodly enchantment. you feel the slow crescendo of your heart, pulsing to an audible beat. it throbs in your head, on your neck, through your chest, down your gut, lower, deeper, harder, stronger. the hips then tighten. the torso reacts. you feigned a spasm and shift your position. and just like that, you cut the line and let the catch go.

good game.

reckoning

it's like sitting on a lone chair,
while sitting in a large empty room,
facing a towering dormer window,
facing east towards the harsh,
bleaching rays of the warm,
warm summer sun.

you sit there frozen,

fingers tightly gripping your seat, 

as if a wrecking ball is set off on full swing,

it's weighted momentum sent crashing towards you. 

you stare outside, not daring to blink, 

your eyes stinging, by the glare, 

by the arid room air, 

as you try to betray your innermost whims, 

for survival, for safety, 

and force yourself to see past beyond the glistening window pane, 

past the shine, 

past the lush valley that spans in between, 

towards the distance to where the unknown rest, 

ominous, evil, dangerous, painful unknown, 

hiding in the shroud of the golden rays of the warm, summer sun. 

the cold cannot protect you.
the quiet cannot save you,
and the slow crescendo of noise from you past
begin to fill your hollow head with echoes and whispers and unperceivable horrors. 
like galloping horses they approach
and your tight, tight grip forces you
not to run away.
they are coming, you see them
they are coming, you scream

and the towering window begins to fold before you

it bends and it bows, like that of a beautiful memory

large eyes blinking, slowly shutting to the brightness outside

the shadow of the light, now approaching from above

and as the light succumb to the night

as the sun becomes veiled from sight

the quiet begins to prevail again

the voices, the screaming, the wails, the clamor

begin to fade again to the hushed stillnesss

of the emptiness of the room you are in.

the temperature drops

your grip relaxes

your breathing slows

and your shoulders fall

it is over, finally. 

you had buried everything all over again.