dawning

it was all for the best i think, seeing you once more, and for some brief moments, have you close beside me. i got to smell your hair again, touch you skin, feel your body heat against mine. i lingered there for a little while, trying my best to relive the days when i had you for myself, though shared, but still mine. it was a comforting feeling for a while, but reality had its firm grasp on me already. time had had its way with me and it could no longer allow me to slip back far into the past. it anchored me to my present, a rather somber, lonely, and awkward reality.

there was a detachment there. nothing felt familiar, despite being surrounded by old faces and voices. i tried hard to mingle but things no longer fitted the same. everything had changed. i had changed. and so when you left and i was left by myself again, i did not long anymore. and though part of me felt frustrated not to have been able to spend as much time with you, in the end, it didn't really matter anymore. my present had already disassociated with my past, and i have no need of holding on anymore. i bade you farewell, my only honest gesture to you that evening. i know the words now.

i had been in the gray for so long, it should be time to step back into the light.

muay thai

basking

the dying wanderer

when these feet no longer bear to tread
through valleys of imagination
when abysmal depths reveal their ends
under your vast, finite horizon
as murmuring winds turn to blowing
as i sit and watch from my cliff edge
and wait, i wonder, for his coming
he, who will take everything away. 

the sun slowly sets from my vision
his colors fading to sullen gray
and leaves me in my deep reflection
of a life spent chasing after day.
he sinks into dark, golden waters
he leaves to greet better seeing eyes
as mine relinquishes their wonder
and surrenders to the night beyond.

i breath my last dying breaths for thee
you, my garden of earthly delight
for all your stories, full of splendor
and your hidden truths that shed great light
of a fleeting world loosing luster
a deceitful orb casting dull shine
reflecting a once curious wand'rer
beholding the dying soul, of mine.

livid

respect. i certainly earned enough through the course of my short life. if you demand what is due to you, then be fair and give what is due to me, and i'm not even asking for that much.

how dare you answer for me.
how dare you determine what i should or should not do.
how dare you take away my right to a choice when you yourself demand always for yours.
how dare you set a different standard for me.

you see me weak, i see myself weak as well. how else can i not be when even until now, i am still forced to submit.

you should have never given me the idea of having choices. at least, it would be something less for me to think about.

what's in a name

i have been reading about Jacob this week for my morning readings. Jacob, the son of Isaac, not Jacob, the werewolf, OK! anyway, being a christian all my life, his story is very familiar already to me. however, it was only recently that i kind of appreciated what message was hidden in his story, more so, the story of his name.

Jacob, the name, means heel and supplanter. it basically foretold of his nature since Jacob, if you read his life wasn't really the most upright man. even from birth, he hung onto the heel of his brother, Esau, hoping to be the first-borne. he eventually stole Esau's blessing by tricking his blind father, which led him to flee his father's house and sojourn in the desert, tending to his uncle's sheep. he tricked his uncle and well, but had himself hoodwinked of a wife (all is fair i guess). however, somewhere along his story, Jacob, the supplanter's name changed to Israel, which means, God prevails.

I was rather moved when i realized how significant this name change was. throughout his life, it seemed Jacob connived and struggled. he cheated and was cheated and fled from one place to another. but it seemed that God really had a plan for him, for as you track down his life, his once rough and rugged nature as the supplanter eventually disappeared. in the end, he became a distinguished figure, even to a point that Pharoah, king of the greatest empire of their day, was willing to be blessed by him. this is Israel, this is how God prevailed.

sometimes i feel like the world is against me. then i will remember this story and pray, I am Jacob, God is turning me into Israel.

captivated moments

i have been observing you for quite a while now. a few years of watching certainly should matter much. i hope you don't mind. i cannot say what was it really about you that made you stand out. at first actually, i thought of you as no one special, at par with the rest of the familiar crowd. there was even a time, i remember, that i was repulsed by you, maybe when i witnessed you in your more juvenile, bratty moods. but that was a long, long time ago.

i didn't see you for years after that. people said you went away, disappeared. then all of sudden, here you are again. you felt the same, yet different as well. you had grown, matured and carry yourself now with a certain level of sophistication. i continued watching you, studying you closely now. indeed, your years of absence had made your reappearance quite enjoyable. strange, you seem to grow more beautiful as the days pass. what is it about you that make you so?

i wonder...

it's very nice to see you again.

about consciousness

i have been thinking of you lately. yes you. i know you still read me, and i don't really care if people know it as well. there's nothing really much to hide,and there's nothing really wrong of me saying that i am thinking of you.

i try to recall what you were, what you felt like, how you smelled, how you made me feel. it seemed that time is already playing its tricks for i swear, your identity is becoming vaguer and vaguer as the days pass. sometimes i wonder, whether this feeling i have whenever i would catch myself thinking of you, this feeling, is it still even real, or am i now just imagining it, half dutiful to myself that it is my role to feel this longing. i smile seeing you face in my head for no reason, then i look out my window and wonder, was i really that happy?

i have never cried when i ended a relationship, even if i felt bad inside. i really never knew why. i knew in my head that i was deeply saddened, but it seems the pain just never surfaced. i guess i handle it differently, in small minor doses, just enough to keep me longing. just enough to leave me with long time regrets.

a friend and i came to a conclusion that maybe, we are not the relationship types. i think, though i tend to be emotional, that when i begin to feel vulnerable, that i eventually grow cold, over calculating, and eventually distant. my feelings end up buried under theories and far too soon, what could have been a lovely relationship end up in a mess.

funny. i find peace in knowing about this about myself. maybe because i should learn to stay clear now of people i could hurt. maybe this is my curse. i know too much.