tinder is up

Found myself swiping left more than right, like almost at a frantic pace. How do you even get a sense to find any of these people interesting by just looking at their faces alone? Im pretty sure other people are doing the same with mine. 

Interestingly though, i happened to match again with a guy I chatted with years ago when I first installed the app. Funny. I guess preferences dont change as much.  

Mom struggled with having breakfast again. Eating for her is like a chore she hates doing. Once i surrender to her complaints, she suddenly becomes fine. I sometimes wonder wherther im being too hard on her, or if im dismissing whatever shes feeling as mere figments of her dementia. I really dont know. I just want her to live a good life. A life where she can enjoy the things around her and not just be swallowed up by this disease. 

The end of the year is coming and i cant really say if im feeling hopeful or not. I can steer myself either way, either which feels equally daunting. Choosing to stay in this path with bring about the same stresses and pitfalls that have put me in this slump in the first place. Choosing a different path will on the other hand bring about a whole new set of uncertainties that maybe an old dog like me can no longer handle. 

What to do. What to do. 

Wishing things were more simple. 

Hey. A tinder message....

considering tinder

I think I’m getting the hang of the meds now. I used to feel like i’m in a contstant state of indifference but now, a bit of emotions are starting to creep back in. My doctor did mention that we are striving for a new kind of “normal” so I am feeling hopeful. 

Stranging thing happened yesterday while i was talking to my coach. He asked me if ive ever tried Tinder. I was kinda taken aback since never in my wildest dreams would i have thought he would even mention tinder to me. He mentioned it suggesting that maybe finding someone to take care of me would be a nice element to my recovery. 

I tried tinder before, though i can really say i do well online. I miss that social, non verbal soulful interaction that u can only get from face to face contact. Maybe its just the old soul in me. 

Sigh. Im so complicated. Haha. What the hell. What harm could it do. Maybe i should give tinder another shot. 

its just... a little crush

Temperance. I think this is one of the skills i have honed well. I can wield it to the extent that i can feel the emotions almost surface but just before it overflows, i can quite easily push it back down, barely skimming the surface. It can be quite taxing at times, this almost tight tango i dance, but in my predicament, it feels like its my only recourse. 

It was his voice that first caught my attention. I heard him speak once and the bass of his voice immediately drew me to him. It was deep and full, but to a degree soft as well. Like a heavy duvet you would want to wrap yourself with on a cold winter morning. Physically, he was tall, taller than me, and quite unremarkable. He bore a rather awkward stance maybe brought about by his tall stature. Despite being younger than me, his features looked more mature, seasoned. His faced scarred with a bout with acne and his general upkeep, rather disheveled... like how most straight guys would keep themselves. 

Yes. He is straight. I confirmed it by asking him point blank actually. I dont think he minds that Im not, nor the fact that wer friends. He has gay friends too i believe and considering he studied in an all boys school, I’m pretty sure my company is not that  strange or uncomfortable to him. 

Admittedly it’s quite a lost cause on my part since I’m sure there is no way for the tides to turn towards my favor, but thats ok. His company gives me comfort. On those lonely days i chat with him about random, none romantic things, and just having that interaction grants me some joy. Joy that i dont want to indulge in too much. Tempered joy, that I have a straight friend whom my heart is inclined too. A friend who is quite oblivious to my pinings. A friend that i decide to keep a safe distance away. A friend who i sometimes, in my lonliest of times would chat with about the most random of things and imagine his voice through the text messages turning into my imaginary heavy duvet. 

friday morning madness

Jump started my day with an early morning workout. I was hoping some high intensity strenuous activity would be just i needed to get my groove back as this used to work perfectly for me before. Needless to say, metcon over and i still found my self a bit groggy and lethargic. This considering i already had 2 cups of black coffee. Im giving the meds a few more days till i finish at least a weeks cycle. If things stay the way that they are, il ask my doc to adjust my dosage since being a walking zombie isnt really my thing. 

Doing site visits today, checking on the status of my projects, all of which are delayed. A part of me should be losing my cool already but somehow i feel rather indifferent. Again, could be the effects of the meds since its supposed to keep me relaxed. I am relaxed i guess but this level of nonchalance is a bit unusual. Again, il keep mental note of this and see how i adjust. 

Someone almost side swipped me this morning on my way to work. He suddenly swerved to my lane, almost pinning me to the curb, and without even apologizing my slowing down, sped off. Thank goodness for turbo engines. I quickly caught up to him and was inches away of smashing my car into his... my shiny, jumbo black SUV against his small puny sedan. As i inched closer to his side making sure he could hear my engines reving, he sheepishly gestured his apologies by waving his hand. I followed him for a good few kilometers after that just to really screw with his head that i was dead set at murder.... i eventually sped away and made my exit. 

day 2

Day 2 of taking my meds and I’m quite happy to say sleep has been visiting me quite frequently now. I doze off into deep slumber, the type you fall into after a really long and tiring day. The kind where you would snoze loud enough to wake the neighbors... but of course, i dont have anyone near my room enough to vouch for that. The sleep is still kinda dreamless tho. I had wished that since the meds would help in my creativity, that it would usher me to part of my uncounsciousness where those dreams lie. Then again, it’s still day 2 anyway. More days to come so we’ll see what happens the next few days. 

Ive to admit, a bit of me feels sceptical on being medicated. Understandibly, there is a certain taboo to addressing mental health, expecially with more comservative backgrounds like mine. Im just i guess validating it as an experiment on myself. If it helps in my general well being, then good. If not then at least the prescription is only good for 1 month. 

I just really hope this will rekindly my gusto in life. I miss looking forward to the days ahead, whatever they may be. 

day 1

Day 1 of taking the meds and Im pretty sleepy the whole day. It’s supposed to reignite my creativity but so far, nothing significant has happened yet. Keeping my expectations low just so id notice the more acute effects of the meds, if any. 

Apart from the sleepiness, I somehow feel an overwhelming sense of lonliness and detachement, this despite the fact that im surrounded by people pretty much all the day. People zip pass me, even family and it almost feels like all this interaction are but phantoms, fleeting memories and imagining that I am alive but to a degree not really living.

Not even the feelings of love could make a dent. 

I have been pining over a certain person for a long time now. I show my concern. I express my feelings, discreetly. I sometimes imagine my intentions get reciprocated... by a touch, a hug, a sincere “thank you for being there”, an “ i think of you too”, but alas, my imaginations can only be so convincing. It cannot conspire with the universe to make my heart’s longings come to be. Maybe it is all for the best. Some of us are meant only to dream. My last love burned me greatly. Possibly because like moths, i am only destined to admire from afar, and never to venture too close to the fire. 

monday musings

Maybe it’s just because it’s a Monday, the most toxic day for the week for me, that I feel particularly alert today. Alert with a hint of anxiety and a dash or irritability, not the most ideal with the addition of the last 2, but it would have to do. 

Im scheduled to see my doctor in a bit. Haven’t told many of it but im having my head checked. Been feeling quite stuck in a funk for a good long while now and with mom’s condition being part of the mix, having something screwing with my mind doesnt sound to be the healthiest. So far, my doctor had given me the assignment of taking time off for myself. Recharge so to speak. I honestly dont know what that feels like anymore, genuinely. I mean i do have some me-time, but i dont know if i feel particularly recharged afterwards. Having me-time feels more like a task to fulfill and doing so gives me more a sense of fulfillment more than anything else. My doctor is suspecting however that doing so might unearth deeper, unresolved issues that I could not yet tap since i was tired and, for the most part, angry, most of the time. So far I am “happy” to say I dont feel as angry anymore, tho now with its absense, everything else just feels blah. Nothing exites me. Nothing feels new. Nothing feels interesting nor incites my curiosity. Blah. Not too sure if this is a point of concern. Hopefully my doctor can shed some light into it. 

Part of the assignment is also have some semblance of a social life... that maybe a whole other post since i would consider my social life quite complicated.