the beloved (repost)

the buildings look bored, and so was i.

the sunday afternoon was common. i was seated on her guest chair by the window, peering out into the neighboring property, no reason whatsoever really, except probably to catch glimpse of some action on that slow, quiet, overcast day.

the sun shied away behind thick clouds, occasionally breaking free from their tight embrace, yet only to fall back once again behind the billowy veil. this hide and seek of light played an unusual chiaroscuro on the structures below, or so i reckoned. monolithic shadows ebb and flow, like a tide of dark water struggling to have a firm grip on a concrete beach. i stared out onto this uneventful canvass of calm, not much to consider really. wearied, i yawned.

amah was sitting beside me at her desk. where else could she be? this was her station, a solid fixture that served as the setting for most of her daily activities. she prays here, talks to people on the phone here, she entertains sitting here, and sometimes, watches TV from here, despite the more comfortable couch only a few steps away. today, she read the papers here, flipping through broad sheets of newsprint, scanning through the red inked verses, reading quietly on articles that ruled her world.

breaking away from my reverie, i found myself observing her, this woman who is a force in my life. i noticed the thin wisps of her teased hair and recall how she would get up early in the morning to apply hairspray on it, liquid scaffolding for her fragile tresses. her skin, thin and sallow, loosely clinging onto her as how her silken blouse drape over her hunched body. her face, her lovely face, bore the many marks of living a full and fascinating life. with each fold, each striation, like rings of a wise tree, they bear stories of a life once lived in a land who persecuted her kind to stories of a life in a land where she had to learn how to call home.

she stirred from her reading, probably noticed that i was intently watching her. she slowly turned her head towards me and gave me her smile. it was the same smile that i have been beholding as far as i can remember. efficacious and soothing than any balm, her smile can melt your heart. no words were uttered between us for we shared many moments like this, in silence. only an exchange of expression, i smiled back, was what was required. i knew that mine can never compare to the power and grace of hers, but i knew she did not mind. it was enough for her. i was enough for her.

the air was warm. the wind was calm. the sky, silvery grey. i sat by ama's desk, nestled on her rattan guest chair and was staring at the woman i so loved... and she was staring back at me, loving me the same.

Posted by jamie da vinci! at 1/19/2009 09:20:00 PM



happy birthday, ama.

the month of X

since coming out, i think i have had three "almost" relationships, all of which obviously did not materialize for one reason or another; too young; too much in love; too self-centered; too many issues; may girlfriend... yada yada. my foray into the dating scene was my willful attempt into testing the waters of this identity that i am embracing. i thought to myself then, this is what i needed to be complete (very CENTRUM, indeed), to have a relationship and share love and be loved back. but interesting enough, and though i have to admit it was fun to have someone during those moments wherein we would connect, though my heart went pitter-patter with kilig, my brain on the other hand, was not all too amused.

it was my brain, in the end, that stepped on the brakes for all three of them. well, technically, just two since the last one... well... basta na.

so why am i babbling about all of this by chance. i really don't know. maybe it had something to do with the fact that i am now communicating with all three of them again, all contact re-established within a span of just two weeks. fate has a weird way of moving things for me.

i wonder where im headed off to now?

conversation on a not so alone night

"i do not know why i have no one to call my own. the heart is a fickle thing, and i have learned from before never to impose my wants over its needs. it beats and will beat alone for the one it will truly long. everything else is just fancy. this does not mean, however, that i do not love for i do. it is from my soul's abundance that i share my affections. it comes as the kindness, the attention, the sincerity, the patience, the endurance i exercise. it is the quiet i offer during the times of turmoil, the humor in times of grief, even the sternness in times of folly and the harshness when discipline is in call."

"i do not know why i have no one to call my own. i have asked God about it and all He answered me was giving me peace in my singlehood. maybe because He/I know/s that i can never be for the one i will love and that one will never really be mine. maybe because my heart is not really fickle, but it had already surrendered itself to something, someone else. maybe because my portion in this world is to learn to appreciate the sufficiency of what i have and what i have been given. maybe that is why, though i walk in solitude, i am yet surrounded by all that my heart truly needs, and it therby longs no more. "

my answer when asked why i have no one to call my own.

and no, this is not a pre-valentine's day post. ehehehehehe.

polar bear musings

don't you just love the weather these past few days? overcast yet sunny skies, gentle breeze and absolutely wonderful cold! i never recalled metro temperatures ever dipping this low before, but for all that it's worth, i am enjoying every moment of it. a friend told me that it might even dip lower since spring in the colder countries would see that polar winds would be brrrr-inging chillier air to the tropics. YAHOO!!!!

forgive my elation if you may for this is almost a dream come true for me. you too would understand if you are plagued with heat-induced skin allergies as well as hyperhydrosis, but enough of my problems. right now it's all about the cold. i just want to relish it while it lasts for i am pretty sure summer this year will be a killer. it always is when we get unusually cold months.

(sigh)...

but really, it's like an early valentine's for me.... i just love sleeping with the doors and windows open, with the gentle humming of my fan lulling me to sleep. i love the fact that i wake up with toasty toes playing in the cold air while my entire body is wrapped in my cozy blanket. i love the fact that i can walk around the house and encounter cold pockets of air (hindi sila multo!). i love how the chill tightens my skin as it prepares to shiver. i don't mind the frequent toilet breaks at all! i love the fact that i enjoy my warm showers. i love that i can sit in front of the electric fan and look unperturbed while my folks look and wonder why im not even frozen yet. i love the fact that i don't have to worry about sweat. i love the fact that i don't have to worry about my allergies acting up either! i love, i love, i love the weather!!!

if only it could last the whole year round....

****

was checking my email and noticed our poor little shi-tzu half breed shivering while he was curled up beside my feet to keep warm. we have terrazzo tiled floors that are notoriously cold and since my dad was wise enough to shave him of all his hair during winter, our dog is practically walking around naked in the cold.

touched by his unconditional love and loyalty to be by my side, even at the risk of freezing his balls out, i got him my room's ragged doormat (which he sleeps on when i'm in my room). he quickly got on it and is now sleeping, snoring soundly, besides me.


awwwww, doesn't that warm your heart? not too warm i hope, i'm still not over relishing the weather! hehehehehe.

to love and lost

"... i, i love you."

in my life so far, i have only uttered this powerful phrase only twice, and on both occasions, i was broken and in tears. both occasions involved me putting higher needs over my own. both occasions saw me endure a long, slow, torturous existence where love was freely given, even with knowledge that it may never be given back.

****

she was the sparkle to my day. her name meant "genuine beauty" and truly her presence was lovely, her person almost intoxicating. i longed to be around her for she truly did make me feel whole. i accompanied her to meals, i would stay with her in her commute home, i would befriend her friends, i would try to sit near her at class, just so that i could squeeze every single moment in every God-given day to be around her, even if by a bit more. then, her boy problems began. suitor after suitor came tormenting her. she confided in me as she felt safe with me. she leaned against me and i became her staff. i did not allow myself to waver from my role despite how much i wanted to pursue, i could not at the risk of adding more suffering. i knew it was not a suitor you needed but a friend and a reliable confidant, and that was who i eventually became.

i swallowed a very bitter pill for you yet you still decided to let me go and allowed yourself to be bullied into a relationship, taking the easy way out. you however found out too late that you got yourself into a deeper mess and came back running to me. i was there, unconditionally still to support you. you got back up, and you allowed yourself to fall again. three men pursued you, three men you accepted, three men failed you, three times i had to cushion for you the blow.... until i too could no longer handle it.

i told you over the phone that i loved you but will take my bow and leave the race for i could no longer see you suffer like so. you then said your friends have been saying that i might be falling as well but you chose not to address it. you instead ignored the gestures and kept silent. you kept silent like how you were quiet when i broke my heart in front of you so that you could no longer deal with me, so that i too could finally move on. i thought you were quiet because you were overwhelmed. little did i know it was because you had a secret you did not want to divulge to me.

i was betrayed for he was in my camp and you knew how i would react, yet you still allowed it to happen. you're married to him now and are expecting. i know you are now happy with your family. i wish you well and the best. i just wished that i knew better and that i never wasted breaking my heart over you. i probably could have given him more when i met him years later.

****

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy when skies are grey.
you'll never know, dear, how much i love you. please don't take my sunshine away.

but you always knew.... how much i loved you. then i also told you, over those dark, lonely, cold marble steps that last long night as i buried my tormented face in your soft supple neck. it seared in pain, but i could not do anything about it. the heart feels what it wants to feel, i was only there to serve as it's keeper and receive its blow. you sat there and caressed my head. you felt my anguish but also knew that you could do nothing. what you did though was enough, you stayed with me. you kept me close. you kept me safe in my most vulnerable state. in an almost desperate attempt to delude myself that i could take more of you with me, i asked if you could grant me a kiss. you stared into my eyes and in all tenderness said yes. as i leaned in to claim my prize, i faltered and aimed for your cheek instead. i could not do it. i could not betray and steal what is rightfully your wife's.

i sat with you there for what seemed to be an eternity. i wrapped myself around you and tried to remember everything about you that made me want you so badly. i do not want to forget, not you, not ever. but i eventually had to let go. i felt your soft velvety skin brush against mine for the last time. i felt your lovely scent dissipate. i felt the warmth of your body fade from my person.

as we drove off after dropping you at your house that night and as i watched you and your wife that one last time from the car's mirror, i allowed my heart to break again. i had found love and love had found me, but we had found each other too late. i instead had to learn a different kind of love and had to learn it the hard way.

you were my sunshine, my only sunshine. you made me happy when skies were grey.
you'll never know dear, how much i loved you. please don't take my sunshine away.

goodbye, sunshine. thank you for loving me back. i wish i could have had you.