the pygmalion effect

the graphite tip of my pencil dragged violently across the awaiting white sheet of paper, receiving my thoughts, containing an outpouring of inspiration. a few rapid strokes later, familiar forms began to emerge, a head, an arm, a tensed deltoid. sinuous lines later gave sight to strong thighs terminating to a graceful foot. i drew to my heart's delight, taking careful measure onto the features i loved the most, the jaw, the gentle arch of the back, the smooth curves of an expressive arm, the subtle striations of muscles in movement. i drew him down quick, before my juices became depleted, before this beautiful vision of man vanish once again to the deep recesses of my memory.


i looked at him intently, allowing myself this moment of simple adoration, marveling at the lines created, amazed as to how great the works God had done.

* * * * *

i looked at him intently, through my discerning eye, and watched and scrutinized the features i loved the most, the jaw, the angle of the nose, the gentle cropped slope of his haircut, the texture of his smooth creamy skin. i took notice of his composure, how he walked, how he sat, how he fidgeted in his discomfort, how he feigned to show nonchalance. he was lively, he was funny, he loved to receive attention. his vibrancy was most palpable, evident through how he conducted his movements with much gusto, unmindful of how seemingly foolish they may be. he however felt lost, to a degree, unsure, but compensates with an unfounded hope, maybe even charged with the prospects of unrealized adventure. ah, the quickening feeling of the young, how attractive.

his smile is enchanting, and his gaze, what bliss must it be to find yourself lost in that stare. there is a certain elegance to this other one. though not as lively and not as young, his quiet disposition adds a sensual mystery to his person. he carries himself casually, not too serious to be stiff, yet not too loose to be tactless. he emanates a sense of balance, a calculated steadiness, an almost psychic symmetry. ironically, his equilibrium makes you distrustful, almost guarded against an unidentified danger. he sat in his seat, cool and calm, a common observer to some, but maybe a stalking predator underneath, you really cannot tell, and i guess, he liked it to be that way... and so did i.

i smiled the moment i saw him. the inner child in me wanted to leap in glee for how could you not feel joy when all about him, it seems, is just that, pure joy. to smile would simply be an effect to a most unobjectionable cause. my skin braced itself as i threw affection towards him, the kind you offer to a well beloved, and he readily returned it with an equal tenderness. i glow in his presence, like the moon reflecting the shine of the sun. his countenance is an intoxicating brew of all things happy, the ingredients of which stretch from summer squirrels playing in the grass to the charged spray of the ocean surf as it crashes upon a jagged cliff face. there is mischief in his voice and sincerity in his touch. how beautiful he truly is, even a blind person can testify.

* * * * *

with great appreciation, i render them onto my imaginary man, give life to attributes with each pencil stroke, thanking in turn my God, that i could be a witness to His great handiwork.

i remember

it starts with fragments of memory, minute slivers of time gone by. they swim in your head, like newly hatched tadpoles in a summer pool. you collect them, try to arrange them again in chronological order or maybe, according to level of significance. some pieces you find lead on to more pieces. others on the other hand, well, you wonder why they're even there. to the ones you deemed special, you begin to string together, taking well note of the blanks that space in between. you try to fill in the lapses and bring sense to the sequence. soon, a story unfolds again, like an old home-made movie, slightly hazy, with all the edges softened, probably after years of bumping about while floating in your brain. you view it through your mind's eye, reconnecting with the flashing images, studying again the old faces, the familiar places, the disembodied voices... then the emotions creep in. emotions make it all real again. it grabs hold of the pictures and breaths life into them. mouths now utter words, faces now bear expression, and movement suddenly carries intent.

"you remember that time when..."

you, in your eloquence, try to put your memory to words. you define it, you try to concretize it, buttressing your tale with many ancillary details. while in your attempts however, on this quiet act of rekindling, while revisiting what may have been cobwebbed stories and dusty, old dreams you realized...

"you know what? i missed you the most."

... there was reason why you held on.

abnormally normal

"why do you find my life so interesting?" i asked a friend last night.

"kasi iba kang magisip." he replied.

__________

i recall one conversation i had with a friend, back when i was in high school, about how i should conduct myself in the world. i know, it's quite a strange question posed at such a young age but considering my background and my upbringing, presentation, rather, testimony, is something we are made conscious of very early on. my friend then told me, be normal among the abnormal. of course back then, i had no idea what "normal" was, more so, what was "abnormal". it wasn't really as simple as good or bad, tact versus rude, proper versus improper. i think my friend knew i too didn't know what to do with what he said but expected that i would eventually learn and discern along the way.

* * * * *

"but you're nothing like the normal PLU", mcvie once told me, while having casual chitchat over coffee one weekend evening. this was his conclusion i guess about how i didn't conform to the typical gay lifestyle that a lot of my friends have. though it is true that i don't really share delight in the same activities my friends have, i don't feel necessarily any different from them. i simply have a variation of preference, something all normal people have technically, gay or straight. i'm pretty sure there are those who share the same inclinations as i. however, if i were to consider what mcvie said and really do acknowledge my atypicalness... would that then make me abnormally gay, i.e., that i'm even possibly straight after all (OUCH. brain spasm...)

* * * * *

"did i change? i mean, after i came out, did i change?" i asked kuya one time. he said i did but not too much. he said i'm much louder, a bit more flamboyant than usual, and he blames that on the fact that maybe i find the behavior acceptable since i see this with the friends i keep. though my folks don't really object against the people i hang out with since i have assured them and have reassured them that i keep descent company, still on certain, very rare occasions, when i would decide to just let my hair down and allow circumstances to take me where ever, it would be the company that i keep that would be the first to get attacked. the "equally yoked" subject would then be brought up. trust is always a constant balancing act, always teetering on an unstable fulcrum. one minute things are fine, the next minute, you find yourself picking up shattered pieces and try to start from scratch again.
__________


" i told myself i would not change". i told my friend.

"being gay should not be all that defines me."

being gay, now that i think of it, never did.

the month of X

since coming out, i think i have had three "almost" relationships, all of which obviously did not materialize for one reason or another; too young; too much in love; too self-centered; too many issues; may girlfriend... yada yada. my foray into the dating scene was my willful attempt into testing the waters of this identity that i am embracing. i thought to myself then, this is what i needed to be complete (very CENTRUM, indeed), to have a relationship and share love and be loved back. but interesting enough, and though i have to admit it was fun to have someone during those moments wherein we would connect, though my heart went pitter-patter with kilig, my brain on the other hand, was not all too amused.

it was my brain, in the end, that stepped on the brakes for all three of them. well, technically, just two since the last one... well... basta na.

so why am i babbling about all of this by chance. i really don't know. maybe it had something to do with the fact that i am now communicating with all three of them again, all contact re-established within a span of just two weeks. fate has a weird way of moving things for me.

i wonder where im headed off to now?

because i DON'T want to wallow

during times like this when i feel like it would be a good thing to fall into distress and just begin doing what i do best, that is feel sorry for myself, i stop to collect my bearings and slap senses into myself again. "the world will not end... yet." "there is still hope for tomorrow." and "you will get through this a better, more experienced person" is what i try to convince myself. they're almost like a auto brainwash, a conscious effort to preoccupy and distract myself from falling into nega and just stay fine. it takes a lot of work to fight against my habit. it feel more work if you barely have any more will power left. with clicking my ruby-reds and chanting my "there's no place like home"'s, i find myself wanting to write all of a sudden, to a person i have only met once but have never spoken to before. permit me to have this random act since, trust me, this is way better than you guys hearing me wallow.

so this guy. i met him once in this gathering. never really paid him much attention since, i was too busy dividing my attention to the ppl around me. but as my focus grew more and more splintered, he opened his mouth and spoke. this was all he did that made him the object of my undivided attention. suddenly in a room full of so-sos and ho-hums, a beacon started to blink. there was really nothing special with this guy, nothing really remarkable to say the least. i however, for some reason found him curious. i found him interesting to a point that he was all i really remembered in that gathering, this considering i never spoke to him nor him with me. to this guy, thanks for breaking the monotony of that night by opening you mouth. your words, though were not directed to me, i found were too adorable to ignore. i hope, as you spend your days now, living your life in the city, that you have a great one. live a happy one. live a fulfilling one. live a life full of thanksgiving and appreciation, add to that one from a wandering bear who just chanced to have eavesdropped :)

ahh, that made me feel much better.

hmmm. makes me now find something new to do next time i attend these parties. look for that person who will make that night seem unforgettable.

mader.... u know who was the apple of my eye the last time :)

my first time...

dust clouds must have erupted as my brain rummaged through old memories again, stirred about by a curious tale, a tale that sounded too familiar.

i had seen her once before, but never really paid her much attention for i was never one who minded strangers. bumping into her often, however, in the small school that we were in, made her a constant figure to my days and somehow, though we never spoke to each other before, she became less of a stranger to me and more a person i would like to know one day.

that day eventually came as classes began that semester. we were transferred to a new building, to a new city, to new surrounds, far away from the manila campus we had so accustomed ourselves to. you could tell we all tried to steady ourselves at first, acclimate in a way to having been uprooted and set onto new soil. our pasts felt insignificant and we were all given a fresh start. beginnings always present us with opportunities i guess, for indeed, in no time at all and by some way i can no longer recall, i found myself engaged in a conversation with this girl; the stranger-lady who walked through the corridors of my old school; whose face i see reading a book in our library; whose chuckling i hear when she gossips with her friends. this lady was no longer a stranger to me, for now i know her name, and it was "beautiful".

it did not take me long to become close to her. it was not that difficult to be her friend. she carried herself with certain simplicity, an endearing countenance that made her rather charming, if i may be allowed to use the word to describe a woman. she was kind woman, a meek woman, gentle and very soft spoken. she was a trusting woman, a caring woman and delicate in every way. it was no surprise really why people are drawn to her, why i was drawn to her, for how really can one help it when in the presence of such goodness? goodness, if there would be a word that i can sum her up with. goodness, the kind that makes you smile with a heart filled with content.

things felt simple when i was around her. she offered me a sense of clarity that i have never experienced with anyone before, a feeling of being uncomplicated, something that i have to admit, i am not really used to but gladly was, because of her, ready to explore. my sense of well being, and the issues thereof, was what i offered to her in return. i made myself a constant and reliable companion to her, ready and available whenever she would need me. it was the least i could do, i thought. it was the least i could do for the person, i didn't know it yet at that time, who i was steadily falling for.

how i look at a beautiful man

i was walking towards the escalator when i first caught sight of him. he was seated at a bench by the fountain looking at nothing in particular. he had his hand covering a good portion of his face, with only his eyes exposed. he looked impatient, restless actually basing on his eyes' severe expression. he sat slouched in his end of the bench, legs apart, one arm across his chest, his body language screaming to be left alone. though i was only able to catch a brief glimpse of him, the image in my head was clear, it was complete. i already knew the shape of his face, how he wore his styled hair, how tight his white round neck shirt clung to his muscular body, how well fitting his dark jeans were, how he can sit with lots of attitude. he was truly a very attractive man.

i did not however allow this image to linger long in my head as what do i do with such a vision? there was no use for me to retain it. he was simply a good thing to see, to notice, to appreciate, to savor in my head, and that was all i allowed him to be. i headed towards the bookstore at the top floor and proceeded to search for my book, my original purpose why i was there. a significant amount of time later and having made my purchase, i decided to call it a day and headed back towards where i parked. as i came down the escalator and walked past lazy looking stores, i came upon him again, this time, he was walking towards me. he looked exactly as how i remembered him. he had the same hair, same tight fitting shirt hugging his well built physique, same well fitting jeans. he wore the same severe look as well as the same strong attitude. he strode down the path and went towards the wash room as i walked past him, we, barely inches from coming into contact. he went in through the door as i continued on to another escalator, down to my car. his image in my head now also included a swagger, a peculiar gait, a cadence. i then tried again to ask my memory to let him go as i fumbled to look for my keys.

the visitor (final)

the visitor perused the interiors of the long corridor, almost looking nostalgic. the old floorboards were decayed, some having already fallen into the dark hallow beneath. paint peeled off the walls, brittle and flaky, like molting skin. the pungent smell of mold permeated the air with an offensive perfume. the visitor stood motionless at the end of the empty hall, the summer moonlight shinning in from the shattered window behind him, bathing him an almost ethereal glow. he took one long, deep breath through his mouth, and exhaled through a growing smile. satisfied, he began to walk, ever so slowly, making sure his every step made a sound. he rattled the knob of each door he passed loudly, violently, sending a piercing echo down the hallway, through solid doors, into empty lifeless rooms, and beyond closed closet doors. he wanted him to hear him coming, the thought of it gave the visitor a most intoxicating thrill.

the distinct clattering of metal broke the child from his crying. it was the first sound apart from his sobs that he has heard in a while. he tried to keep his quiet again, his senses telling him not to trust the calm. he tried to listen intently for the sound, and there it was again, louder this time, nearer, followed by the unfamiliar sounds of creaking floorboards caused by a heavy step. the threat was more concrete now, it was no longer an idea but now bore an intention. it was on the prowl. the child found himself began to shake again, he was being engulfed with fear with each of the sounds' repetition. the sounds, its creator, it had taken already naynay, he heard it did. it took ate as well, he heard it too. now it was looking for him, he knew it was, he felt it. the child quickly grabbed hold of the flashlight again, his only inheritance from his loved ones, and held it tight. a sudden courage then began to fill him. he was not going down peacefully, he thought to himself. his family put up a fight to keep him safe, it was the last thing he could do to honor them.

"calm down will you? you really shouldn't do that." a man's voice sounded through the empty corridor. the visitor stopped from his stalk, looking puzzled at what he had just heard. it took him a few moments before he came to realize what it was for the voice was familiar to him. looking enraged, he clenched his fist and punched the wall beside him, sending his arm straight through into the adjacent room. he sent a loud scream, partly from the pain but mostly from his great frustration for the voice heralded something to him, something he could not believe was happening. no, not yet, not until he gets the child. he slowly drew his now bloodied hand out of the wall and unclenched his fist. he was breathing madly now but still his face bore a smile. he started to giggle, forcing himself to forget. his plan will be carried out, he will not be denied! he set his eyes now to a unique door set at the very end of the hallway, the door he had all this time planned to enter last. though it disappointed him that he could no longer relish playing his game, it didn't matter anymore. why delay what was inevitable? the thoughts of claiming his prize delighted the visitor immensely. he increased his cadence now, his steps purposeful. "i'm coming" he said to himself, walking faster. "i'm coming......" his excitement, now almost uncontainable.

the child heard the voice as well. it was a strange yet welcomed distraction to his already rising anxiety. he paused to try to listen for it again, but all he could hear was silence. suddenly, a loud crash came from outside, like something smashing into the wall. he then heard the shrill cry of a very mad man. it reverberated through the empty spaces that separated him from its source and it frightened him immensely that he dropped his flashlight to cover his ears. the courage he found a while ago seemed to have instantly vaporized. he could feel tears welling in his eyes once again, his jaw trembled. he wanted it to all end. he wanted his ate, his naynay to wake him up for he felt like it was all but a nightmare he was having. things like this, things as terrible, as horrible as this certainly cannot be real! he wished hard for he was so tired of being afraid already. he was exhausted and wanted to give up.... he then heard the voice in his head, the man's voice he heard a while ago. he knew that voice. he tried to recall where he had heard it before. he needed to remember quickly for it felt like knowing it would grant him redemption. where? where did he hear it before? he thought hard, almost giving himself a headache... where? where......?

the creaking of the floorboards stopped.

the visitor took his final step and stood outside the door to his prize. he could smell it already, his prize only a few steps away. he could feel his heart beating violently for it was as eager as he. his body tensed up, his hands gripped tightly the knob as he took out naynay's key and slipped it into the lock. it clicked. before he entered, he noticed a broken mirror by the door.

"the broken glass; the fragmented frame...." he said, as he gazed deeply into mirror and scrutinized his shattered reflection.

the child finally remembered. he knew whose voice it was who spoke. he now realized what was happening. he heard the door lock click. "ahhh, dexter. haven't you grown tired of playing hide and seek yet?" said the deep, low, calm voice as it whispered from inside the closet. the child turned his head towards the voice and saw a pair of bright red eyes, his reflection glaring back at him from a mirror ate had left behind.... but the child was no longer afraid.

* * * * *

... something else had my undivided attention and i felt my foot depress on the gas pedal as my car steadily accelerated towards the moronic cab who almost clipped me a few moments ago. my family disappeared. my dad disappeared. all that was left was me, my car, and the crescendo of the engine as the tail light of the cab grew brighter and brighter... i felt my entire body tense up. my hands gripped tightly onto the wheel. a split second of deafening silence, then an explosive rush of air... at the last second, i hit the brakes and swerved my car out of imminent collision and zoomed passed the focus of all my loathing. by this time, my entire family had reappeared. my father beside me, sat in still silence. no one bothered to talk to me that entire drive. no one dared even to make a sound. as we got to our destination, everyone quietly disembarked from my car, except for me. i stayed and took a few moments to myself, alone. dad left his car door open and wondered why i have not moved. mother understood somehow and shooed everyone away. she then closed the car door and let me be. i sat there, hands still tightly clenched on the steering wheel, breath still heavy as if i was ready to shout. but shouting would take too much energy and i had none left already. i was tired. i was exhausted. i had given up. i felt a ball drop from my throat into the pits of my gut. "what just happened?", i asked myself in disbelief. something alien stirred. it smiled and then disappeared. my grip eventually relaxed and i slowly backed up my car into the garage. mother said that something had changed in me. i now believe something did, but i have no idea what it is.


i, surrender
Posted by jamie da vinci! at 1/27/2009 09:09:00 PM

the beloved

the buildings look bored, and so was i.

the sunday afternoon was common. i was seated on her guest chair by the window, peering out into the neighboring property, no reason whatsoever really, except probably to catch glimpse of some action on that slow, quiet, overcast day.

the sun shied away behind thick clouds, occasionally breaking free from their tight embrace, yet only to fall back once again behind the billowy veil. this hide and seek of light played an unusual chiaroscuro on the structures below, or so i reckoned. monolithic shadows ebb and flow, like a tide of dark water struggling to have a firm grip on a concrete beach. i stared out onto this uneventful canvass of calm, not much to consider really. wearied, i yawned.

ama was sitting beside me at her desk. where else could she be? this was her station, a solid fixture that served as the setting for most of her daily activities. she prays here, talks to people on the phone here, she entertains sitting here, and sometimes, watches TV from here, despite the more comfortable couch only a few steps away. today, she read the papers here, flipping through broad sheets of newsprint, scanning through the red inked verses, reading quietly on articles that ruled her world.

breaking away from my reverie, i found myself observing her, this woman who is a force in my life. i noticed the thin wisps of her teased hair and recall how she would get up early in the morning to apply hairspray on it, liquid scaffolding for her fragile tresses. her skin, thin and sallow, loosely clinging onto her as how her silken blouse drape over her hunched body. her face, her lovely face, bore the many marks of living a full and fascinating life. with each fold, each striation, like rings of a wise tree, they bear stories of a life once lived in a land who persecuted her kind to stories of a life in a land where she had to learn how to call home.

she stirred from her reading, probably noticed that i was intently watching her. she slowly turned her head towards me and gave me her smile. it was the same smile that i have been beholding as far as i can remember. efficacious and soothing than any balm, her smile can melt your heart. no words were uttered between us for we shared many moments like this, in silence. only an exchange of expression, i smiled back, was what was required. i knew that mine can never compare to the power and grace of hers, but i knew she did not mind. it was enough for her. i was enough for her.

the air was warm. the wind was calm. the sky, silvery grey. i sat by ama's desk, nestled on her rattan guest chair and was staring at the woman i so loved... and she was staring back at me, loving me the same.

to love and lost

"... i, i love you."

in my life so far, i have only uttered this powerful phrase only twice, and on both occasions, i was broken and in tears. both occasions involved me putting higher needs over my own. both occasions saw me endure a long, slow, torturous existence where love was freely given, even with knowledge that it may never be given back.

****

she was the sparkle to my day. her name meant "genuine beauty" and truly her presence was lovely, her person almost intoxicating. i longed to be around her for she truly did make me feel whole. i accompanied her to meals, i would stay with her in her commute home, i would befriend her friends, i would try to sit near her at class, just so that i could squeeze every single moment in every God-given day to be around her, even if by a bit more. then, her boy problems began. suitor after suitor came tormenting her. she confided in me as she felt safe with me. she leaned against me and i became her staff. i did not allow myself to waver from my role despite how much i wanted to pursue, i could not at the risk of adding more suffering. i knew it was not a suitor you needed but a friend and a reliable confidant, and that was who i eventually became.

i swallowed a very bitter pill for you yet you still decided to let me go and allowed yourself to be bullied into a relationship, taking the easy way out. you however found out too late that you got yourself into a deeper mess and came back running to me. i was there, unconditionally still to support you. you got back up, and you allowed yourself to fall again. three men pursued you, three men you accepted, three men failed you, three times i had to cushion for you the blow.... until i too could no longer handle it.

i told you over the phone that i loved you but will take my bow and leave the race for i could no longer see you suffer like so. you then said your friends have been saying that i might be falling as well but you chose not to address it. you instead ignored the gestures and kept silent. you kept silent like how you were quiet when i broke my heart in front of you so that you could no longer deal with me, so that i too could finally move on. i thought you were quiet because you were overwhelmed. little did i know it was because you had a secret you did not want to divulge to me.

i was betrayed for he was in my camp and you knew how i would react, yet you still allowed it to happen. you're married to him now and are expecting. i know you are now happy with your family. i wish you well and the best. i just wished that i knew better and that i never wasted breaking my heart over you. i probably could have given him more when i met him years later.

****

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy when skies are grey.
you'll never know, dear, how much i love you. please don't take my sunshine away.

but you always knew.... how much i loved you. then i also told you, over those dark, lonely, cold marble steps that last long night as i buried my tormented face in your soft supple neck. it seared in pain, but i could not do anything about it. the heart feels what it wants to feel, i was only there to serve as it's keeper and receive its blow. you sat there and caressed my head. you felt my anguish but also knew that you could do nothing. what you did though was enough, you stayed with me. you kept me close. you kept me safe in my most vulnerable state. in an almost desperate attempt to delude myself that i could take more of you with me, i asked if you could grant me a kiss. you stared into my eyes and in all tenderness said yes. as i leaned in to claim my prize, i faltered and aimed for your cheek instead. i could not do it. i could not betray and steal what is rightfully your wife's.

i sat with you there for what seemed to be an eternity. i wrapped myself around you and tried to remember everything about you that made me want you so badly. i do not want to forget, not you, not ever. but i eventually had to let go. i felt your soft velvety skin brush against mine for the last time. i felt your lovely scent dissipate. i felt the warmth of your body fade from my person.

as we drove off after dropping you at your house that night and as i watched you and your wife that one last time from the car's mirror, i allowed my heart to break again. i had found love and love had found me, but we had found each other too late. i instead had to learn a different kind of love and had to learn it the hard way.

you were my sunshine, my only sunshine. you made me happy when skies were grey.
you'll never know dear, how much i loved you. please don't take my sunshine away.

goodbye, sunshine. thank you for loving me back. i wish i could have had you.

MMK... the movie in my mind, my dubai (final)

my last days at my company were certainly bitter-sweet. though i relished the fact that i would now be free from the anguish of suffering a slow professional death, it however saddened me greatly that i would leave so many people behind in the process, people who now occupied a very special place in my heart. despite the many who resigned, our company was quick to fill in the many vacancies, and then some. by the time i left, we had new blood who came from jordan, syria, india, yemen, south africa and manila as well. hopefully they would fare better than i.

on my final day at work, my office threw a dinner in my honor. a pinay cook was called to cater us pinoy food, something through the months, even the non-pinoys grew to love and long for. my senior, didi, also got me a cake from a local bakery, the one she knew i always lust after, especially when i have a bad day. before she got me to slice the cake, she asked that i give a few parting words. i recall saying that i was thankful. thankful for all the support, the love and the experience that they had given me. i told them that though dubai was rough, that work was harrowing, and life was lonely, having them all around and seeing them day in and day out somehow made all these more manageable. it was an honor to have been surrounded by such gifted people and that the memories i had with them, i will cherish forever. hearing myself utter these words of goodbye made me realize how much i loved my new family and as i stood in front of my delicious cake.... i cried (in true drama queen fashion).

****

emotions at my flat too were proving to be difficult to handle. the three by three box that i have called my home all these months was my sanctuary. here i escaped from the mess of the outside to replenish my stores in peace. this is where i cooked to relax, where i blogged (thanks to some neighbors unrestricted wifi) to document my day, where i shared my life with my two best friends, my girls.... my lovely, lovely girls.

kay and jane. dubai tested them as well. though they had their share of giving me stress and hurt, i greatly relied on their friendship to survive. the ties we developed, the experiences we shared during those days have seen a solidifying of bonds that neither land nor sea can now limit. their company was a source of strength and the moments we would have together, a source of joy. mcdonald's at 3am, long walks in the park, grocery shopping, long drives, sleep overs in JBR, sitting quietly on the beach while staring out into the arabian sea, these were only some of countless other more instances of dubai with my girls that i turn to whenever i feel down. they make me smile, still efficacious even after so long.

the day of my departure almost came at an instant. in the days leading to it, i saw myself in a mad rush to pack in everything i needed to do before i leave. i had to settle accounts, buy gifts, endorse my work, say my proper farewells. i could not wait to leave for home yet it left me with much regret that i did not have more time to spend with the people i loved and cared for. even though i spent almost everyday i could in their company, it still did not feel enough. i felt that it still could not meet up to what i wanted to tell them, of how much i appreciated all that they have given me, of how much i wanted to give back to them. it was however, time.

on november 17, i flew out of the desert and went back home to the islands from which i came, ending a chapter in my life.

****

dubai is a city-state set in the cusp of the arabian peninsula. it boasts itself as the world's fastest growing city, its fast paced development, envied by many. yet underneath all of this vision of prosperity lies the real dubai for the city is not the buildings or the beaches or the malls. the city is the people who built it. the kings, the bosses, the seniors, the subordinates, the workers. their lives, their stories is what dubai is built on. its human resource is the dynamo that generates the dream as well as the materials that built dubai to what it is today. yet, this is not what the world sees and this is not what dubai projects itself as, as well. for the world (only) sees the buildings and the beaches and the malls, leaving the real dubai hidden, ignored, abused, forgotten.

but i will not be hidden. neither will i choose to forget or be forgotten.

in closing, i went back to a post i wrote on my birthday, my last in the desert city when i found myself reflecting on the year that was. it capsulized a great portion of what i took with me when i left, and what i take with me still as i move on with my life, dubai forever etched in my memory.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

the beginning

today is my birthday and i took a day's off from work just to extend my weekend. it was supposed to be for me to reassess my life. you know, consider how i lived my life this past year and what i should do starting today. well, it's 5pm right now and i really haven't given myself time to think about all of these things. either this is the melodramatic me talking again or im realizing that im just a floater.

anyway, i still have time before this day comes to an end and might as well grab the opportunity to do what i was supposed to do. fortunately for me, i can blog about this, that way, i have proof i actually did what i was set to do. those of you who are tired of hearing my incessant psycho-babble and what-nots, be forewarned, this is not the entry for you.

the year has been quite interesting to say the least. i am celebrating my second birthday in a foreign country with laws and culture that is totally different from my own. things have been rough, but eventually presented themselves to be quite manageable. i made friends and have lost some as well. i gained the respect of some and have fallen out of ppls contact lists as well. but such is life i guess, wherever you may be.

dubai has been hard but then again, i think it needed to be. i would not think i lived a pampered life, though i can say that i was sheltered. living in dubai for the past year has made me witness the harshness of what the world can offer, all the ugliness one can experience, from poverty, to racism. it however also made me exercise patience, and humility, and compassion. dubai is not only rich of material wealth, but it also is rich of stories. stories of ppls endurance, of love, of honor, pain and loss. more apparent and accessible than when i was back home. maybe because i am now part of the same pool of people where these stories of humanity are made.

dubai taught me courage. courage to stand up and take on responsibility. not to be afraid of mistakes and to share ones opinion. it taught me of the value of teamwork and that one man cannot be as good as two. it taught me that in desperate situations, that i can be strong and that i also have friends in whom i can rely on. i learned that despite our differences, it should never be a hindrance for us to be friends. i have become friends with indians, pakistanis, egyptians, jordanians, palestinians, emiratis, south africans, british, australians and turks. quite a feat i must say since i rarely talk to foreigners.

i am stronger after a year, wiser to certain degree. fatter to my dismay but that can be easily remedied. i have learned so much and have now developed an appetite of fighting mediocrity. why settle for being a so-so when theres a potential to be something more. if it seems unachievable, at least have a blast trying.

i have posted now 50 hings i would like to do before i meet my creator. how much time i have left is up to the Lord. how much of that i would actually do is up to me and by golly, im gonna try my best to do all of them,

happy birthday to me. the Lord has been merciful and has showered me with grace for my timely help. despite all the crap that i had gone through, i was never abandoned and have become stronger because of it all. now i start again, with new found faith, with new found hope of what the future has in store for me. i shall turn my sail to catch the divine wind and have the Lord lead me on.

Lord, thank you for all that you have done. Thank you for Your faithfulness and Your patience.

i now wonder where im off to next.

posted by jamie da vinci!

THE END

MMK... the movie in my mind, my dubai (part 6)

kay hurried to her desk, sat down and stared blankly into the wall. there was something amiss in the air that morning and her unusual entry into the design department just made things feel even more unsettling. a few moments later, she turned towards me. she had that burdened, conflicted look in her face, like the expression one would have when you have witnessed something and you don't know whether or not you should tell. she was hesitant, her breathing paced, her body tensed. we stared at each other, after which, she spoke.

"jame... i have to tell you something." her opening statement.

"what is it kay? what happened?" my calm reply.

"umm, GM? he just fired someone TL (our indian marketing head) a few minutes ago. she was told to leave the building immediately and things got messy! i was caught in the crossfire!" her juicy disclosure.

"NO WAAAAY!!!!!!". my flabbergasted reaction.

in a very heated argument that involved lots of demands, derogatory name calling and threats to be dragged out of the building by security, TL, was disgracefully dismissed by our fuming GM. the details of the incident i believe are no longer important. the things that transpired after though, because of this incident, i deem more significant since they are laden with many lessons, the greatest one of them all.... never underestimate a lady who wears a tweed suit and has curry for dessert!

later that afternoon, rather expectedly (news travels fast in the office since we were all in just one room), an emergency meeting was called by GM. he had us sit down and calmly explained his case. he told us that we must have now known that TL is "no longer a member of the team", that she has been terminated due to low productivity, yada, yada, yada. he expressed how diplomatic he was in handling her dismissal (contrary to my first-hand accounts, of which i definitely believe more than his sanctimonious monologue), yet was forced take rougher measures since TL gave a fight (who wouldn't?). he then jested in tagalog about TL and how she reeked of spices, "ang baho kasi nya, palibhasa di ata naliligo!", he said. that statement had pushed GM's image beyond disgust for me, he was now bedfellows with pond scum and that icky grime you gather between your toes after a long day of walking wearing open toe sandals on really dusty ground. TL, however did have the last laugh. GM continued. he said that a complaint was escalated to the vice president by TL and that he was questioned for his decision. GM never liked his authority being challenged (me and 2 other colleagues were considered for termination once for raising an argument on his rather stupid policy during an open forum). feeling disrespected by the VICE PRESIDENT of the company, he resigned, effective immediately!

o the drama... please don't stop the drama! the little men who live in my head were practically doing somersaults (basta na) from his bomb he dropped on us. i have been made so calloused by my moments with GM that i accidentally gave out a sarcastic snort, a gesture he immediately caught. he couldn't react to it however since the members of the staff were already showering him with pleas, imploring him to change his mind. this was the ultimate ego trip i assure you, his grin said it all. but he remained adamant. he "cannot take it anymore!" he said he could not handle the stress, nor could he handle how the bosses were undermining him any longer. he then played the sympathy card by saying all the work he has been doing has taken a toll on his health and family. with the entire company now playing to his tune and having his memory immortalized as the martyred hero in our impressionable minds, he passed the baton to my senior and left us, some in tears, some in shock, some just playing along so as not to stand out.

the days following GM's exit were very tensed days indeed since our arab bosses now became regular fixtures in the office. they "descended" from their lofty abodes up in our office building and loom over us, sending workplace anxiety levels through the roof. despite being a total ass, GM was still one of us and it gave us still a sense of comfort that he could sympathize with his fellow "expats". our arab lords on the other hand were different. they were gods and we, dispensable mortals, always ready to be replaced by more desperate mortals who are more than willing to do our work... for a fraction of the salary (and our salaries weren't even that high). pressure was mounting and things were not looking good, not at all. since the company was the grand scheme of our GM and the dream that is to be our success, his creation, his absence definitely had an effect on our already shaky operations. didi unfortunately inherited the titanic task of managing a headless chicken that was going bezerk and it ultimately drained her dry.

GM visited a couple of weeks after he resigned, apparently to discuss terms with the arab bosses. probably still relishing his influence over them, he boasted of maybe taking back the position he so eagerly relinquished, and thus, left us in our current dismal state. he said his resignation was revoked and so, he will talk with the arabs to negotiate. seems like the curse of TL was still in effect for GM very soon learned greatest lesson number two, never underestimate the arabs, especially those who drive rolls royce phantoms and lamborghinis and go to italy to buy their yachts and have swiss bank accounts whose interests alone is enough to pay the salary of their company of 4000 strong, for that money apparently, also pays for their education in harvard business school. GM's apparent negotiation meeting was actually a "thank you for your service but we found out that you were a maniacal a-hole who took advantage of our trust and ignorance, so dream on if you think we still need you here (belat!)" meeting. GM left with his strained smile and his broken pride dragging behind him.... TL was probably laughing somewhere in dubai.

being now the captain, didi became privy to many details about the company that used to be for GM's eyes only. being didi's gurl-friend and trusty shoulder-to-cry-on/ shopping buddy/ buffet buddy/ personal jester extraordinaire, i eventually too became aware of many secrets. the company was in worse shape than we thought. previous suggested policies during meetings were never considered, despite their brilliance; unqualified people were constantly being hired for redundant positions; non-hiring of people for required positions and disproportionate staffing hierarchy; weak policies and poorly enforced procedures; and unrealistic expectations have cost us dearly and our books showed it. GM's megalomania had seen that he kept with his ideal delusion and his power had kept him in full control of the course we were in. now that he was out of the picture, the illusion that we were all riding on started to fizzle and fade. realizing the inevitable, people from the company started resigning one after the other.

honoring our friendship with didi, me and a few stayed on for "the ride", despite the ensuing turbulence. we tried to save the ship but the powers that be simply would not to see things our way. considering we were already in the red, our bosses still decided to open 2 more branches, hire more people at higher salaries (higher than ours, even if most of them cannot draw, more so, design to save their lives) and appoint their inexperienced 18 year old brother to be deputy CEO of the firm. in the end, and no surprise, we found ourselves in even deeper "shit". at this point, even the most idealistic looses hope and even loyalties reach their limits. despite promises of better working conditions, better pay and a promotion, i tendered in my resignation 16 months after i first stepped onto desert sand. i have had enough of this company and believed i have had already enough life lessons in me to last me another lifetime. it was time to move on, time to leave. didi was obviously saddened but understood my concerns and supported my decision. she stayed on with the company for half a year more after my last day, and eventually resigned as well. didi was the last of the pioneer staff that saw the days of calm. from the 8 ppl in my batch who came in from manila, only 1 remains.

MMK... the movie in my mind, my dubai (part 5)

Job was a good man greatly blessed by Jehovah. he was healthy, rich, had many children and a good wife. then one day, all of this was taken away. his body was stricken with boils, his wealth vanished, his family perished and his loving wife told him to "curse your God and die!" Job remained steadfast however, knowing that surely, Jehovah is merciful. his unwavering faith and his strong will was eventually rewarded. his health was restored and his riches doubled. he had more children, more beautiful than before and lived 140 more years to see the fourth generation of his family. this was Job... i was not Job. God nevertheless was still merciful.

the series of events that have transpired had caused me to reach the end of my tether. i was exhausted and was in deep depression. i felt abandoned, betrayed, and dejected. i was thankful of my friends for they tried hard to lift my spirits but i was too defeated to be roused, as proven when i found myself bawling my eyes out over a plate of my great friend's prided corned beef (i miss it everyday, kay. no one makes it like you do.) i was greatly homesick and longed desperately for my family. i realized that the walls i had built for myself to shield me from the emotions of being away from my loved ones had finally collapsed. my spirit depleted and weakened, i eventually caved in.

funny how circumstances are related, to the extent that you really cannot deny a divine operation working behind it all. a last ditch effort of me in finding strength saw me emailing a friend back home. i told him how much i missed the support of family and friends. he then emailed me back and referred me to a christian website, suggesting that maybe i could find some encouragement from the articles there. upon viewing the website, a sense of familiarity came over me, a feeling i greatly welcomed. i later found out that the site was built by my cousin in Toronto, hence pictures of my family were too posted there. i was so thankful for the break it gave me that i left a comment in the site's guest book, it's first comment. that post turned out to be the catalyst of a remarkable hunt for people that involved the coordination of six churches from six countries around the world.

my cyber-presence in dubai previously involved checking my emails, blogging and searching design websites for what's trendy and new. the christian site was the newest addition to the roster and also quickly became my most visited. i checked it regularly for updates as well as new posts on the guest book, for it seems, more and more people were logging in. i was reading of posts from india, venezuela, columbia, france, ukraine, brazil, germany, russia, philippines, dubai.... DUBAI!??? i quickly checked it again. true enough, a fellow christian like myself was in dubai, and she was looking for fellow christians as well (like me). i took her name and quickly emailed my friend back home and asked him to look her up. contact info was given and a few days later, i met up with mae.

that first meeting with mae became the beginning of our christian fellowship in the desert. through God's grace and our persistence, we were able to find more and more people who were like us, searching. being an islamic state, practicing one's faith publicly other than islam, though is not sanctioned, is still highly discouraged in dubai. our initial meetings (we were already 4 by then) involved sitting by the curb on the sidewalk and pretending to chat with one another, but were in reality already praying out loud with our eyes open. none of us had a place that we could congregate in so doing it out in the street was the only resort we could manage. it was risky but we really didn't mind. for us, this weekly gathering was an addicting escape from the life and the toll living in dubai took from us.

as days went by, our humble group saw the blessings of what stubborn people "pestering" God can do. the ripples caused by that post on the website brought us to find more people from various places of various nationalities. in the end, our number blossomed to almost 30 in less than a few months comprising of pinoys, taiwanese, indians, sri lankans, malaysians, and singaporeans. we also were able to find a place to meet, at a flat owned by an indian-kiwi who does business in dubai. stable now, we would find ourselves receiving visiting christians from australia, manila, oman, saudi arabia and new zealand, all of which have heard of our remarkable story and wish to be witnesses to it. it has been more than a year since i left my christian family in the desert. since that time, they have increased in number again. some of my friends have found love in the church and have married as well. they contact me often to update me on their status and all news from them always makes me smile. in december of this year, they will be the host of a grand conference involving christians all over the gulf states. christians from saudi arabia, oman, qatar, bahrain and kuwait, all coming together to testify what God has done.

for the first time since i set foot in this country, i finally felt some form of balance in my life. despite all the turmoil happening at work and all the adjusting i was doing, i at least have a place where i could bask myself in the positive energy God and fellow christians provided, at last, my hope was being restored, and it did not come at a better time.

****
my incident with GM had ruined him in my eyes. though i have always had a feeling that he was an arrogant man, i had thought to myself that he had every right to be proud considering what he has gone through and what he has achieved. he was never shy to tell us his story and how he had climbed up the social/corporate ladder to be where he is, the right-hand man to our arab boss whose family is closely associated with the sheikh (my arab bosses were VERY influential). his story was truly inspiring. success and prestige however should never be used to lord over people, ever. his actions against me and my senior that day was something i could not swallow and from that day on, encounters with him have always been strained.

sensing that i no longer had any allegiance with GM, my senior finally opened up to me. she shared stories about the company, before the time we came in, before the company was an independent entity, before GM became GM. she told me of stories of peace and harmony and camaraderie and how all of that changed the moment power was redistributed. oh, how power corrupts is all i can say. they were difficult times, mentally and psychologically torturous since the word of one became good enough to determine whether or not you had a job the following day. she showed me a picture of the entire staff of the company before we came. she then point out those who never "made it". these were the first casualties of an imbalanced system in my company, a system solely controlled by the man who sat upstairs. my senior warned me of GM now, she never thought of warning me before since she though GM would practice enthnocentricity. obviously, she was wrong (well, i WAS chinese anyway, hehehe). sharing that rather unpleasant experience with GM though made me and my senior, didi closer. considering how in later times i would find myself sleeping over at her house, going on road trips with her, eating out, shopping with her, and being her gurl-friend, proves only how many more unpleasant experiences we shared under GM's tyranny.

MMK... the movie in my mind, my dubai (part 4)

the succeeding days, weeks, months of my dealings with SAL saw a steady decline in my demeanor, his presence sending me through a whirlwind of emotions playing between terror and panic, not really the best for someone who handles stress poorly. his project severely delayed, i almost received regular calls from him as well as emails, being reprimanded (in broken english, but harsh nonetheless) about how much all this is costing him. he barraged me with question after question, none of which i could answer for i had absolutely no information. following-through was not this company's strongest traits unfortunately. despite all my efforts to sort out the problems that plagued this project, it was too much for one person to handle. it was too much for even three people (i had my indian senior and a junior designer in my team already). my only hope now was to seek the advice of the higher ups, in the case, my GM.

GM sat in his spacious office in our company's mezzanine, occupying practically an entire wing. he sat on a leather bound, high back executive chair, behind a large mahogany stained table, surrounded by articles that said that you are in the presence of one who has authority, and he did. he warmly accommodated me despite his busy schedule to hear my concerns. he listened carefully and pondered on the issues i laid out. he then gave me his opinions on the matter as well as tips on handling SAL (SAL was initially his client which was later on handed down to me) during that meeting, i felt safe. i was in the presence of the man who gave birth to this company and here he was imparting his wise words to me. he encouraged me and reiterated that he and the entire company will back up any decision i make. i practically could do no wrong. empowered and armed with new found wisdom, i left his office ready to face SAL again. the next few meetings with SAL proved to be less stressful for true enough, GM's words were effective in pacifying him. i was slowly gaining back my credibility, i thought. despite the snail paced progress at site, his calls were becoming less frequent, his emails, less charged. i only realized much later on that SAL was just loosing interest already with my words, for the GM was already taking matters to his own hands for SAL had raised the issue already to the gods... my arab bosses, his cousins. my GM now was changing his colors...

my dealings with SAL had to take the backseat for a while for something more pressing was at hand, not to be homeless. despite promises to help, our company decided not to renew our lease for our flat in mankhool. for the past 3 months, we have been using the weekends to desperately seek new shelter but to no avail. inquiring on pages upon pages of ads for leased flats or rooms proved to be futile for we, apparently, were not good "possible" tenants. we were single, filipino, non-arabic speaking, non-executives of mixed gender... traits considered very undesirable. the pressures from work, mouths to feed back home and the looming possibility of homelessness eventually took its toll on the relationships me and my flatmates had. we had to split up. five of them sought to take up bed spaces near our workplace, in a townhouse situated in a rather congested part of deira, hor al anz. it was a settlement populated mostly by indian and pakistani bachelors who jam themselves in compounds of almost concentration camp density. the roads were narrow and mostly lined up with cars (for those who could afford them but not parking space), and the buildings old and dusty. calls for prayer blare out from loudspeakers on minarets at every corner, the same corners where lustful men would park themselves on, eyeing on every passing individual who could be serve their pleasure. rent was cheap surely, but it was still too high of a price for me to keep my sanity.

my two other flatmates and i decided to stay put in bur dubai. it was quiet, convenient and for the most part, home already. the strain of the past few months had left my will weak and having to push myself to flat-hunt and relocate was almost overwhelming. thankfully so, the day before our lease expired, after months of searching, after fights and breakdowns, after being conned by a rogue agent, we struck a deal with a kind south african and managed to secure a studio not far from where we resided. it was a 3 meter by 3 meter room, with a detached kitchen and bath. it was ridiculously small (and expensive) but was better than having no place to go. this small space would be my home and my two other girl-friends home for the next year.

****

having sense that his clout had no lasting effect, SAL stepped up his "assault" once again. he was more agitated than ever. countless reassurances from me were feel on deaf ears as i was accused of being unprofessional, of being unethical and ultimately, a liar. to be honest, i bear no grudge against him for he truly has been very patient from the start. in fairness to SAL, he was simply pushed beyond his limits. he snapped and since i was the lone person stupid enough to receive his calls (the GM was "constantly" in a meeting), i was the only one to shoulder the full intensity of his rage. i sought the advice of my indian senior, whom i will lovingly call DIDI (love you didi, with all my heart) and she too, dumbfounded with my dilemma suggested to bring matters again to the GM. a meeting was set and with all relevant documents in tow, didi and i had (she decided to accompany me, being my senior), what was to be, the last meeting with GM.

no one can keep false facades up too long. unless founded on something solid, even the thickest walls can come crashing down like those of biblical jericho. my fateful meeting saw the unraveling of two people, of GM and myself. i was reprimanded without just cause and sent out of the office, i then overheard him screaming at my senior that he was tired of handling my "shit" and other accusations i have no memory off anymore. review of my past blog entries showed no documentation as well, i guess this was one memory i chose never to remember. all i could recall though was trembling in pure rage and frustration as i went down the stairs back to my desk. i was out of breath and a surge of emotion welling up inside me. my senior came down not long after, cussing under her breath about what an positively assholic piece of shit GM was. i could not be bothered, i was blank, broken and bewildered. she tried to comfort me but all i could muster was fake a smile and walk away. as i reached my desk, a post-it note from the reception was on my PC saying "please call back SAL immediately."

MMK... the movie in my mind, my dubai (part 3)

"i need help in choosing fabrics", the jordanian asked. "could someone help me?". i willingly volunteered since i thought this would be a great way of learning about arabic design. also, this would mean that i would be locking myself in the design vault and have myself surrounded by materials i could only dream of handling, a thought that i particularly relished.

"i am helping the GM present to a client. he's a relative of the owners so this has to be good."

"yes ma'am. did the client leave any instructions with regards to their personal preferences? do they like prints or stripes? how about texture, did they say if they liked...."

"just give him something traditional. i really don't know. the GM just told me to look for fabrics so that's what i'm doing. since you're here, just compile your choices. ask the GM if you want. get the pictures of the furniture pieces from the junior designers as well. i have to do something else and i really don't have the time now. he will be arriving in an hour." after a few more vague instructions and a brief smile, and i was left on my own, my stomach suddenly feeling sick.

there was no time to panic. i had to draw from my mental Rolodex of inspiration and try to define a style that i have never designed for before. in an hour's time, i had to produce a list of possible fabric combinations for furniture pieces i have never seen, from a fabric library i am not familiar with, for a client i have never met. backing out was not an option since my senior's (fat) neck was on the line and so was the GM's. if there was something keeping me from throwing in the towel, it was to do my GM good. getting help was also out of the question since by then, everyone was busy doing something. i was optimistic, or was trying to. this was an opportunity to show what i was made of. i literally dove into the library (which at that point was simply a heap of fabric books scattered all over the showroom floor) and started flipping through the books like a maniacal hen looking for scraps in the sand.

the jordanian arrived a few minutes before the hour. she informed me that the GM was also busy and would not be able to attend to the client. instead, I would have to do the presentation since i chose the fabrics in the first place. with that, she was off again. i found myself sitting, head blank from what had just transpired. i couldn't make sense of it all. things were not right, i recall saying to myself. as i tried to collect myself, i heard a throaty voice say "salam alaikum" (peace be with you). SAL, the client, had arrived.

SAL, his name forever etched in my brain, was in traditional male emirati garb. he was a tall man, thick as a wall. his face was half covered in his wiry beard and his gutra, the white head covering they wear, draping on the sides of his head. he stood there and asked for the GM, to which i replied, pulling things out of my butt as i went on, was unavailable. he then asked for the jordanian. i told him that she too was unavailable but instead, i was tasked to show him the fabrics. he looked at me puzzled at the sudden change of plans. who wouldn't be? he then made his was to the couch for me to show him my selection.

i was a bundle of nerves. i believe i was so tightly strung that even a gentle breeze could have set me off. my hands tremored as i flipped through the books, SAL watching me intently not uttering a single word. i stumbled upon my words as i tried to convey the legitimacy of my choices, still, SAL said nothing. the presentation was over in less than 30mins. as i paused to calm myself down and take a seat, SAL finally stirred from his respite. "is this all?" he asked. "yes, sir." i said, swallowing my saliva. "hmmm, i don't like any of it. give me something else, something different. i have seen all of this before and it doesn't look special. it doesn't look rich." "are you looking for anything in particular, sir?" "just that it has to look special..... you're new here, aren't you?". "yes, sir." "i see. well. just tell your GM that i want something else. i will be back to see new choices." and with that last statement, SAL bid me good day and walked away.

"what did he say?" asked the jordanian after, she came back from whatever it was that she felt was more important. "he said he wants something better. he didn't really say what it was, just that it has to look rich." "what did you show him anyway?" i pointed to the opened books on the table. tsk, tsk, tsk.... the sound was so clear. "you showed him these?" she looked at me with disbelief. i nodded. "no wonder he didn't like them, they look so plain. anyway, i really shouldn't be bothered. he's YOUR client now. this would be a great way for you to show the GM how well you can handle clients." and like how she had been with me the entire day, off she went again.

that initial meeting with SAL was the first of many more fiascoes, the first minute crack in the eventual disintegration of my composition. i always wanted to do people good and my training taught me that in this profession, client satisfaction is your key to success. yet through the course of my handling SAL's project, i later realized that there are times client satisfaction was only an empty ideal, a sweet promise we say in order to lure trusting people into a death trap. SAL's project exposed a lot about the company i worked for, more so the people i worked with. it was too late for me to realize however that i had already been thrown in the middle of this machine of lies, cover up and betrayal.

MMK... the movie in my mind, my dubai (part 2)

dubai sits in between abu dhabi and the 5 other emirates that make up the united arab emirates (UAE). contrary to popular opinion, dubai is not the country but only a part of a country. it is the second largest emirate in the UAE and currently is the most populated with over a million residents, 85% of which are expats.


despite being only a city, dubai operates as an independent kingdom, having its own ruling family, its own local economy and even its own local rules. this too is the same with the other emirates. national responsibility however is shared and power distributed among the seven states, a large portion though is delegated to abu dhabi and dubai for being the two largest and richest with the rulers of abu dhabi (AHU) and dubai (DXB) automatically becoming the president and vice president/ prime ministers, respectively.

the emirate of dubai is practically divided into two by the dubai creek, the center for commerce and trade since dubai, historically, was a trading station, a stop over for goods on the silk road coming in from persia and india, on route to the british empire. the two are dubai city (now more commonly called bur dubai) and deira, the twin cities.


we lived in the bur dubai district, kind of analogous to what escolta is now. formerly the most happening place in the city, it now stands as a memory of its former self, its industry drained from it and moved farther up town along the main artery of the city, sheikh zayed road. though much of the businesses have moved out, there are still a good number that remained, owing particularly to the fact that bur dubai holds many residences. this meant a steady clientele for these establishments. the number of budget hotels located in bur dubai also meant a significant number of tourists flock in this area. bur dubai is known for its banks (all lining Bank street), its electronics (along Computer street), fabrics (at mina bazaar) and its bargain shops (at Al Karama, an adjacent district, similar to our divisoria).

our flat was located along mankhool road, behind a mosque (which is dubai can be found at almost every corner, almost like starbucks). our company housed me and my colleagues in 2 flats and grouped us according to gender. the units had a separate kitchen, a living/dining room with a powder room and 1 master bedroom. called a 1BR with 1 1/2 bath, it was of comfortable size though not really meant to be inhabited by 4 people. despite the limited confines however, we managed to make it work and adjusted with what we had and with each other.

my last experience of communal living was way back in college. my friends and i decided to rent a townhouse together since it was near school. my current situation is however a tad different since now, we were all strangers. thankfully so, my flatmates were a cool bunch and we meshed well almost instantaneously.

mornings in mankhool was a foretaste of what daily life was in dubai, feverish and chaotic. being in between downtown deira and uptown new dubai, we were regular witnesses of the stampede of people as they emerged from their homes, rushing to go to work, for apparently, work was the national "sport", football only came in second. taking this daily phenomena into consideration, we had to get up extra early to catch a cab, that is, if we could find one. cabs, like most of dubai's public transport, were not enough to accommodate the multitudes who rely on them. i even recall a time we waited for 2 hours under the scorching desert heat for a ride. time and time again, this scarcity had caused us many inconveniences, more especially so when you are trying to beat the rush hour traffic, something dubai too is notorious for. on a good day, the ride would cost us AED15, around P150 one way, double that for the round trip. on a bad day, well, the sky is the limit on that one.

our office was situated on deira, near the airport and already bordering on sharjah, the neighboring emirate. the company was small then, comprising only 10 when we came in. there was the pinoy general manager, our indian senior designer and her jordanian counterpart, an indian visualizer, 2 pinoy CAD operators, another indian marketing head, an indian accountant, a pakistani projects coordinator and a pinay receptionist. notice that we were composed of primarily pinoys and indians, well, now more pinoys due to our arrival. in a blink of an eye, we more than doubled in number and being how pinoys are in a foreign land, we huddled together like sheep. to say that we were a riot is putting it lightly. a new family was formed and it gave us all a sense of belonging. in addition to our new group, we also hired a boisterous pinoy office boy whose laughter can be heard the building over! he was a welcome addition to the clique as who wouldn't want to have a jolly soul in the bunch.

the first few weeks at work saw the strengthening of the bonds between us islanders. we drew from each other support on times of weakness and loneliness. with our pinoy GM at the helm, we felt that this would really be home away from home. things will be alright we thought. we were secure, that was, until things started to go wrong.

MMK... the movie in my mind, my dubai (part 1)

inhale, exhale... breathe, breathe.... here it goes.

it has been a year and a week since i last set foot in dubai, that city in the desert that i called my home for almost two years. rather, i really shouldn't call it home, more like, a long stop over, since i never really programmed myself to settle there. home was where my heart was and in those two years, it stayed where it should always be, with my folks.

i took a job as an interior designer in dubai through an agency here. the company hiring us was the emirate's oldest construction firm, the third largest in the land. they were diversifying their operations and since dubai was a booming city, wanted to capitalize on the potential of providing design services as well. from how the company was introduced to us, it certainly showed much promise. to add icing on the cake, the general manager, who was present during the hiring process, was also filipino. needless to say, he made us all feel comfortable and secure.

9 were chosen from the lot, only 8 of us left. the processing of our papers was quick and in just about 2 months time, we were saying our good-byes and packing our belongings already, flying off to a country where fridays were the sundays, where they fast for a month, where the summer heat can kill, and where dreams are apparently realized for a lot of pinoys. we just never understood the price we had to pay for such dreams.

our first week in dubai went about rather smoothly. all our needs were taken cared off by the company. gestures, now that i look back, were definitely the work of out pinoy boss. this further eased our concerns, more so, helped in our adjusting to the foreign land. work was also not too bad. since the company was new, and us 8, part of the pioneer team, we all were idealistic in making this company become a success and enthusiastically pitched in our inputs. the energy at work felt great. our arab boss, too was pleasant. he was a cheerful man, well educated and quite visionary, soft spoken and not intimidating at all. of all the characters we have met so far, he, i would consider would be the most inspiring. i actually still keep in touch with him till today.

since the work load was not that heavy yet, we took the the time during our free days to explore the city and get to see dubai for the things that have made it world renowned. the chinese have a term, "swah- kaw", which translates as "mountain dog", "promdi" in tagalog slang. basing from our actions, we all looked like swah-kaw's, oogling at the vast riches this country has cladded itself with. skyscrapers stretching up into the heavens rittled the urban landscape, each one trying to outdo the other in terms of height and design. malls sprawled out in huge expanses, filling itself with brands so exclusive and so high end, the prices almost felt unreal. residential developments were everywhere, mansion upon mansion, community after community, condo after condo. then, there are the landmarks. the burj al arab, the world's tallest hotel, perched on its island pedestal, poised like the proud arabic symbol that it is, overlooks jumeirah, the high end district of dubai. flanking it were more exclusive hotels and resorts, mina al salam, al qasr, the souk madinat, the jumeirah beach hotel, wild wadi. all these, playgrounds for the rich and the filthier rich. further up the road is dubai marina and beside it, the iconic palm jumeirah, one of dubai's most ambitious reclamation projects, another symbol to arabic vision and wealth.

mina al salam in madinat jumeirah

not to be outdone however, on the other side of town, near the financial center sits downtown dubai, another residential/commercial complex set to house numerous other condo units, the dubai mall (the world's largest mall) and its crown jewel, the burj dubai, currently the world's tallest free standing structure and the world's tallest building. the burj will house offices, retail space, residences (selling at AED12,000 per sq.ft., which is about P120,000), and a hotel, the armani hotel, the first in the world.

the burj dubai

beholding all of these things, you really cannot help but get swept away by the sheer potential living in such a cosmopolitan city can bring. you set a goal that you too will have part in all of this, that with enough patience, perseverance, sweat and luck, you too will be able to enjoy all of this. the bug has bitten, dubai dreaming has officially set in.

downtown dubai, after it is completely finished

to be continued.