the recovery of the sage

ling-ling walked towards me and patted me on the head. two brief taps was what she offered me, followed by a tight smile. it was an awkward gesture from her as she was never one who was skilled in showing emotions. she hesitated for a moment and then rubbed by back, stroking it with all the gentleness she could muster as she tried to ease me of my burdens.

"the clouds are upon us again, child, and we need to be ready. be steadfast, boy. you have gotten weak lately and i sincerely do not know how to help you. whatever it is that is bothering you, you have to deal with it soon for, my bones are telling me, this next wave is going to be a big one and i cannot carry us all alone."

she spoke without looking at me while i sat and pondered on her words. we were of like-mind so we knew we understood each other. as i listened to her speak, i could not help but feel gratitude and love for her for ling-ling had taken over my role lately as i had been struggling to recuperate. she had taken it to herself to be the pillar of strength and reason in my incapacity, as best as she knew how. she had softened her usual uncompromising hold and learned to feel before she reasoned, a great feat coming from one whose stare can even melt the hardest stone. she had become tolerant of nata'sya and had even consented in some of her frivolous ways.

my jaw began to tremble, and my body began to shake, as my pent up emotions surged from their long repression. i felt a sudden choke and my eyes began to water.

natas'ya was resting by my feet, looking up towards me, inquisitively, wondering if the elder woman's efforts in comforting me were working. i recomposed myself and returned her gaze with a faint smile and she eventually turned away, satisfied by my response. i took a deep breath and exhaled, softly blowing out the contents of my soul, hoping in the process i feel some degree of relief, a brief freedom from the overpowering emptiness i feel within.

the cosmic winds blew against my face and i smelled a charged aroma in the air. a flashing of light called my attention to look far into the distant horizon. ling-ling and natas'ya we standing beside each other and were too looking at the same direction. towering plumes of thick clouds were billowing before us, an ominous creature of terrible might and proportion. the winds grew stronger, sounding with a rumbling against my ear. "it's here", the old woman coolly said. natas'ya shifted from her position and put her cold hand on my shoulder. "we need you now. please." she voice soft, her exotic accent now lost in impending storm.

a discourse on veritas, by ling-ling*

truth could care less what you thinking of it. how you reason, what you rationale, what ever you concepting, mean nothing in face of truth! truth is truth. it remaining absolute even without you or your idea. it exists irregardless. its element, constant. its definition, uncompromising.

it like tip of BIG iceberg. you only see what is sticking out. very small. but what you don't see is big underside, almost as big as your great uncle's belly after he ate hotel buffet and would not stop because he want to eat his money's worth. anyway, you may not see the big underside of small tip iceberg, but that not mean it's not there. it does not mean it's not true. that is truth.

truth is sound of tree falling in forest after illegal loggers cut it down. you may not hear it, but sound still there. it will always make sound. government official may say it never happen and no tree fall there as well but then, we here talking about truth... government not really best example.

truth is like calories in your favorite quadruple shot caffe americano. i don't know why you like it but even if you don't taste it, calories still there and you should not be surprise that you get fat because of it. better drink tea. no calories... like splenda!

truth like you buy rolex at greenhills from your suki. it look real, it feel real, it sound real. it tell real time. it may even have real diamonds. you bring it to rolex service center to check and they say it real too! they say it real, you think it real. you show your friends and they say "wah! you so lucky and rich, you be able to buy rolex with diamonds!" you feel proud because you own a real rolex. so pretty and so rich, noh? but that not the truth. the truth is somewhere in china, someone just really good in making good copy, so good it fool everyone. either that or you went to bad rolex service center. that is the truth.

this is truth. it no matter what you think. it no matter what people say. it no matter what you believe. it will not change the truth. you not make the truth any more true, it is true on its own. you do not make the truth. it will not bend to you. ok?



* ling-ling, my hairbun sporting, karate shoe wearing, hairy moled chief accountant, who occupies a third of the trinity in my psyche had a sudden spark of insight while i was walking home one morning. it was hard to keep her quiet, being the way she is, hence i felt it was only proper to publish her thoughts, praying that by doing so, my quiet mornings will be once again be, quiet.

the rise of ling-ling, the terrible

"so what is it that you need? crying really won't do you any good. stuff like this would always happen and until you learn from it, it will keep coming back to you, stronger than the last."

"you're such a weakling. simply pathetic."

"the reason why you keep getting yourself into situations like this is you don't know how to say no. now you're stuck in a bind and you want me to sort it out for you? ai-yah.... get out of the way."

"sorry. i don't feel sorry for you at all."

"you seriously want to buy THAT to make you feel better? really? i don't know about you but that would make me feel ever worse."

"you fall too easily. you really never learn, do you? these people are just in it for the support you freely give. i tell you, you will just find yourself later dried up as a prune and forgotten."

"this is a dog-eats-dog world we live in. if you cannot handle it, you're as good as nothing."

"you let her loose again! look at what she's doing! she's going to ruin you!"

"never surrender. to anyone. ever."

"you really want to mess around with me!? you sure about that?"

"it's better to be alone. no one will mind you, no one can hurt you. you can never make mistakes."

"why experiment? what's the point? aren't you supposed to be super smart? figure it out."

"they're all out to get you. never let your guard down, and don't even bother asking for that prancing fairy's advice!"

"entrusting people with responsibility is like giving a knife to a baby. you are just opening yourself to a LOT of trouble."

"i am an island. buzz off!"

"you haven't fully grasped the potential risks of this decision yet! wait, let me compute, give me a hundred years and i might be done by then. why are you laughing?"

"emotions is a sign of weakness. logic is everything."

"never. never again."


****

ling-ling is my cerberus of hades. i love her to bits, especially during times of dire circumstances. i just wish she could learn how to let her hair down once in a while. life need not always be so serious....

baywalk, taken on a laid back sunday afternoon drive to makati.

si nats, ling at si dex!

i have had this lingering thought in my head for the longest time. i know it will turn out to be an interesting read in the end, it's just that i have been having difficulty putting the thought together. the idea first came to mind while i was writing about my experiences in dubai, all of that walking down memory lane resurrecting issues i have long thought forgotten. such is always the case i guess when dust is unsettled as we tread on old paths again.

dubai taught me a lot about myself. through trials and hardships, i had to learn how to endure and fight for my principles. i eventually became more fortified because of it, but not after i experienced some kind of psychic-mitosis wherein my manners of thinking eventually became separate and distinct. i wouldn't want to think that i am now having tell-tale signs of multiple personality disorder, just that in handling my life back then, in true JAMIE-fashion, my weirdness just had to take center stage.

didi, my senior, was the first person to experienced my multifaceted-ness. she was the first person who got introduced to natas'ya, my vivacious, russian-lebanese, french maid vixen. christened anastasiya maysoon stanislova el-khoury, natas'ya would be my senior's favorite personality for very obvious reasons. she was the more flamboyant, bubbly, chatty, gregarious, bitchy, flirtatious me. unrepressed, unapologetic and free-spirited, natas'ya was a great companion on a dull, gloomy day. she's the shopping guru, the fashion savant and the gym bunny, basically your over all perfect gurl-friend. natas'ya however, also represents the more emotional side of my psyche. impulsive and very moody, she is not the best to count on during stressful situations. she's also shallow and ridiculously vain, aggravating me often especially since i would think i am neither of the two. but despite all this, she is the person i turn to for solace during a hard day's work. her innate frivolousness and happy air lightens even my most defeated of moods and help reinforce the optimism that tomorrow is another day and things will be better.

there was however a time when natas'ya disappeared, much to my senior's dismay. i remember she would plop herself at the chair beside me and ask, "jamieeeeee, where's natas'yaaaaa? i want to bitch!!!!". but natas'ya was no where to be found.

"i think ling-ling finally had enough of her. she's been driving her insane these past couple of months with her noise and her incessant whining. ling-ling finally snapped! locked her inside the closet. ling-ling is in control now."

"who the F*** is ling-ling!?" didi asked, agitated and in desperate need of her natas'ya fix.

ling-ling is another facet i later discovered. she is my chinese, middle-aged (or so she claims) and basing on her demeanor, perennially menopausal accountant. she represents the grave, serious, calculating, apathetic, and logical me. with very "vulcan" features, she wears a pale and sharp face, slits-for eyes peeping through her hazy spectacles held up by her narrow nose. her razor thin lips taper into tight corners, the left, punctuated by a hairy mole. her dull ashen hair is bound taut into a neat bun, with careful attention that no stray strand would disturb her face, else they interfere with her precious work. almost a product of intense communist reprogramming, ling-ling is always seen wearing a washed out grey linen, button down blouse, dark beige linen pants, and her black cotton flats. you would always find her sitting behind her worn-down mahogany stained, cedar-table, on a similarly finished stool that definitely have seen better days. she sits there day in and day out, clicking away feverishly on her abacus as if computing for the answer to life's mystery. this is ling-ling. severe, obsessive compulsive, and very predictable. she is also natas'ya's antithesis and mortal nemesis. though ling-ling's strengths lie on handling tough situations in near hellish conditions, her rise to control does not always guarantee success. her compulsions to consider all possible options and to do things ONLY in a certain way have been the cause of procrastination and many delays. her lack of emotions, though are very objective, have also led to harsh rule of almost tyrannical degree. she lives an unrealistic, stressful and lonely life, despite having such a sweet sounding name. it is however no coincidence that her name literally means "zero spirit".

dexter is the last to join the troupe of waring females who constantly wracked my subconscious. i guess he came about since i really needed a respite from the two heckling hens who i find always in a head butting match.

dexter is the child. smart, conscientious and idealistic, he personifies the part of me that my mom raised, minus the influences of the world. dexter is unlimitedly kind, tender, giving, nurturing and trusting. he is selfless and always conscious of other people's needs. he is the empath. virtuous, dexter also hold the moral compass and steers me towards everything good, nice and Godly. dexter, however, is also naive and often taken advantage of. years of being abused have led him to become more cynical (thanks to ling-ling's guidance) and more reclusive, in fear of being hurt again. he now explores his world through observation and using his smarts, create theories on how the world works, yet never bold enough to actually test and experiment their validity. being also the child and always being put under pressure by his two more seasoned, more opinionated counterparts, dexter has been wise to keep his views to himself in fear of being ridiculed. he then just aligns himself with whoever is more dominant and on certain occasions where his input is asked, inject his influence onto the person in control. dexter thereby is to be credited in the eventual softening of ling-ling's hard edges, and the tempering of natas'ya's emotinal flare-ups. in the end, dexter finds contentment is his small contributions. though it may be a while before he will find himself grown to be on the driver's seat, he knows that little by little, his presence will soon have as much authority as the other two.

****

the three are now revealed. the challenge now is to have them all cooperate once in a while. it certainly would do me a lot of help in managing life as i won't have to have three different voices trying top each other up in getting my attention. seriously... ang INGAY INGAY NILA!!! hahahahaha!

di pa ba ako talagang baliwwww???