abnormally normal

"why do you find my life so interesting?" i asked a friend last night.

"kasi iba kang magisip." he replied.

__________

i recall one conversation i had with a friend, back when i was in high school, about how i should conduct myself in the world. i know, it's quite a strange question posed at such a young age but considering my background and my upbringing, presentation, rather, testimony, is something we are made conscious of very early on. my friend then told me, be normal among the abnormal. of course back then, i had no idea what "normal" was, more so, what was "abnormal". it wasn't really as simple as good or bad, tact versus rude, proper versus improper. i think my friend knew i too didn't know what to do with what he said but expected that i would eventually learn and discern along the way.

* * * * *

"but you're nothing like the normal PLU", mcvie once told me, while having casual chitchat over coffee one weekend evening. this was his conclusion i guess about how i didn't conform to the typical gay lifestyle that a lot of my friends have. though it is true that i don't really share delight in the same activities my friends have, i don't feel necessarily any different from them. i simply have a variation of preference, something all normal people have technically, gay or straight. i'm pretty sure there are those who share the same inclinations as i. however, if i were to consider what mcvie said and really do acknowledge my atypicalness... would that then make me abnormally gay, i.e., that i'm even possibly straight after all (OUCH. brain spasm...)

* * * * *

"did i change? i mean, after i came out, did i change?" i asked kuya one time. he said i did but not too much. he said i'm much louder, a bit more flamboyant than usual, and he blames that on the fact that maybe i find the behavior acceptable since i see this with the friends i keep. though my folks don't really object against the people i hang out with since i have assured them and have reassured them that i keep descent company, still on certain, very rare occasions, when i would decide to just let my hair down and allow circumstances to take me where ever, it would be the company that i keep that would be the first to get attacked. the "equally yoked" subject would then be brought up. trust is always a constant balancing act, always teetering on an unstable fulcrum. one minute things are fine, the next minute, you find yourself picking up shattered pieces and try to start from scratch again.
__________


" i told myself i would not change". i told my friend.

"being gay should not be all that defines me."

being gay, now that i think of it, never did.

to dear friends on their birthdays

since it has been quite a while that i had hand-written notes to people, and being the irrational perfectionist that i am as well, i could not muster the courage to bear the shame of handing over these written dedications to good friends on their birthdays, lest they behold my horrendous penmanship. so instead, i gave their presents bare and just, well, TEXTED them their individual messages.

and since texting, i find, limits the things i would like to say due to limited characters, i think it's still not too late if blog what i really wanted to say and re-dedicate my presents to these three very special individuals.


to e,

for those days wherein the Hemingway or the Picasso in you is just itching to come out.
may you find these simple items useful. may they help usher you to eventually achieve and perfect your artistic expression.

... and from the looks of things, you are not that far away from your goal.

always an admirer,

j


to d,

for those long nights, joyous or not, either had alone or with kindred souls. may you find in these moments the inspiration you seek to help you follow your path to greatness, since ideas, especially the best ones in my experience, do come at the oddest of times.

anticipating your best work yet,

j


and finally,


to j,

for your possibly cluttered desk, your work surface hidden under nik-naks and thingamajigs and whachamacalits. they are the paraphernalia of your life, the vessels of your memories. add this one for me. it serves no purpose really other than to remind you on those uneventful, boring, and dare i even say, sad days, of the simple joys in life. never belittle these small, minute, minuscule pockets of happiness, for when set against the looming melancholy of grey days, their glimmer of hope can outshine even the brightest sun.

j

flossing my brain

i was flossing while in a public restroom yesterday. practicing oral hygiene in a rural mall is not necessarily the most exciting thing to do while waiting for one's bus to leave for the city, but one makes do with what one has. being a compulsive flosser and just having finished a lunch comprising of local delicacies such as bopis, sisig, kinunot na marlin, lechon paksiw and ginataang ube, you could only imagine the terrible itch i had that just needed scratching! though i really don't floss in public, i realized it would be a long while before i could find myself onto a decent sink, my site of choice for doing my deed. cleaning up in the public restroom would mean the difference between relief and HOURS of sucking and going psycho over that itty-bitty piece of meat poking out in between ur teeth. so floss i did! never mind every person who came in and looked at me strangely as if i was this lost bum taking advantage of a free washroom (by this time i was rather haggard looking. hair disheveled, clothes dusty, and skin burnt to a crisp). anyways, after 4 days of being in the province, i should be already used to getting stares and the once-over from locals for looking foreign. a few more stares wouldn't kill me... but the plaque probably will! hehehehe...

ANYWAY!!!!.....

while threading the darn piece of nylon in between my cuspid and bicuspid, i suddenly got a call on my mobile from an unknown number. upon answering and hearing the voice on the other end, the way she said "jay-mee!", i knew already who i was speaking to and a stupid smile crawled up my tired face.

high pitched but forever tender to my ears, hearing vikki's voice from far Antalya was like dew in the morning, familiar and always refreshing. she called to make her kamustas and hear my voice as well as guess. it embarrasses me actually that i don't reciprocate and call her, even write her as much as i would like. maintaining connections has always been a problem of mine, probably the reason why i have so few friends. though it pleased me greatly to hear her again after a long time of no communication between us, my spirits was quickly dampened by the news that she brought, the reason she called in the first place. we have a friend, he was part of our batch who was hired and got sent to dubai. due to his absconding from another company and being buried in debt, he was jailed for 4 months in the dubai prison. before i left dubai for good more than a year ago, he had brought his wife and children to dubai to be with him. how he managed to support his family with his meager wage was a mystery to me. needless to say, i was not surprised at all to hear him being buried in debt. it was however unfortunate that he had to get imprisoned because of it. i am glad to know though that he and his family are now safely back home. disgraceful though, their exit, at least in the end, they are home, safe and complete as a family.

i have plenty of thoughts about this friend of mine. plenty of opinions about how and what he could have done, but that doesn't really matter now. vikki felt bad. i guess she felt sorry for them., more so, she could empathize with the family and waiting that long, not knowing what will happen. i on the other hand feel indifferent. i reasoned that he was old enough to know what and what not to do. he took the risk and knew full well what the consequences were. what was only sad here was him underestimating the gravity of his actions and him getting caught. but again, in the end, what is most important is that he and his family are home and together.

(sigh) dubai....

from flossing to this.... now wasn't that quite the leap?

last night

i stood in the middle of richie's driveway as ian smoked his cigarette in the porch and found myself staring at the clear night sky. the girls were upstairs busy playing "rock band" on richie's PS when i just felt i needed to get away. ian wanted his smoke so i decided to accompany him. the air was warm but thankfully so, manageably dry. i missed the cold the early days of the year had brought and yearned for it still. i missed the comfort it had provided me, how carefree i became when immersed in it's cocooning chill. i fixed my gaze on the three familiar stars of Orion's belt and was reminded of a joke my cousin and i shared. it was a welcomed distraction as i was beginning to fall again, drawn by the inviting dark expanse, bespeckled by her charming diadems. it was tempting. i took to the council in my head. i asked them if i can be allowed to strum the strings of my past, just this once, and hear its familiar tune again. there was a quiet response to my request and with a deep breath, i succumbed to the call of the night. for a brief moment, i was lost.

the stars aligned themselves to me. they suddenly became my audience, i, their one singular point of attention. i cast onto them the whispers of my heart, the dialogue in my mind, the arguments of my will, and they all listened to me carefully. in their steady pulsations i knew they were in deep thought as well, in great consideration as they all have been my faithful witnesses all this time, all these past years. they spoke to each other, discussed with each other, weighing the merits of my situation. i followed them with my eyes, the stars volleying back and forth, growing brighter, glowing sharper, then fading back to a fuzzy burn. i caught myself smiling all of a sudden, the first true smile in what seemed to be ages since the tumult of my days began. it came from sensing that i have finally got it. i have finally learned to let go and surrender. i have finally learned the lesson, or appreciated the part my Lord has wanted for me. the stars continued on with their display, like giggling children passing along a naughty secret, until i heard myself say "remember". the stars had left me their instruction. i looked at the night sky again and to the quiet splendor of my stellar friends. i remembered. i then searched for the moon, for what was to frame this perfect picture better than to sight the queen who reigns the night, but she was no where to be found. i smiled again... i should have expected this much, for indeed it was finished. i took my last breath in my reverie and on exhalation muttered the name of my Lord... my offering of gratitude for granting me a sliver of His wisdom this night. i then offered my wishes, a prayer that i hope you see also the night sky, the same one we have shared. i hope that tonight as well, you feel the same peace i was granted.

"serious, aren't we?" ian spoke from behind while blowing out a plume of smoke. i turned and started walking towards the porch again. richie came out to join us now, craving for his nicotine. a summer breeze blew across my face, my present reality stroking me tenderly. i am reminded then that my days of old has now ceased. a new season has begun.

say giselle bundchen 10 times really fast!

it was a welcomed distraction and quite incidentally since i was recovering from a "bad" beaching incident. lesson learned, arctic creatures such as myself should never strut around topless, much more, peltless in algae infested waters. our glorious coat shields us from the sun for a very good reason.... the sun and us, we're not friends!

burnt skin chaffing under my cotton blend shirt, slowly drying from running around makati doing the day's activities, i arrived late (much to my consternation) to le souffle to attend the product launch of the giselle bundchen ipanema collection. this would be my first ever event to attend as a guest and i honestly had no idea how to behave. intermission muna, THANKS SO MUCH FELLOW BLOGGER FOR THE INVITE! anyways, so there i was, at le souffle. ahhh, the memories of this resto. last time i was here, i was savoring a delectable piece of sea bass with my fam while celebrating my graduation from design school. the food was excellent... though i still could not understand why a fine restaurant would opt for the warehouse look for its interiors. ANYWAY!!! back to the launch party.

unbeknown to a lot of people, i think i never got over my stranger anxiety as a child since till this day at the ripe old age of (ACHOOO!), i still find myself get restless when in unfamiliar environs and surrounded by unfamiliar people. though i can put up a front wherein it looks like i am comfortable in my surrounds, deep down inside, i would probably be pissing myself already. so imagine my utter relief when i was greeted upon entering by the blogger, him (whom, am deciding not to mention his name since, well, he enjoys his anonymity). it was my first time to ever see him actually, despite having chatted with him over YM for some time now. he waved and gestured me to the registration, busy since his company handled the PR for the event. still feeling restless but not wanting to be a pest and cling on to the only "familiar" person i know, i allowed myself to be directed by the ushers on site. thankfully so, i did not have to wait long for two other blogging friends soon arrived to keep me company.

we sat at a table near the stage. it offered me a good view of the show as well as the door for i had also planned to star gaze that night. him informed me that a good number of well known ppl might show and i wanted to discreetly gaze at them and maybe even bask in borrowed starlight :) my friends and i chitchatted for a while as we waited for the place to fill up. our attentive waiter, emerson, was kind enough to refill our bread basket as we devour its contents almost instantly the moment the basket would touch the table. as i have mentioned before, i did not know how to behave, besides, i was really hungry and could practically eat a COW! sensing probably my growing ravenousness towards bread, emerson eventually informed us that the buffet was ready. BUFFET!??? i gazed at emerson's now angelic looking face with bread in mid-swallow, a twinkle in my eye, his beckoning hand directed me to the mezzanine floor. i looked back at my seatmates and in our silence, it was already agreed what our next activity would be. satiation awaits!

dinner and dessert at le souffle never fails to impress and satisfy. i am sorry but unlike my kuya who can restrain himself from eating by taking pics of his food first, i on the other hand could care less about documenting the future contents of my stomach. food will always be eaten first in my world! :) no offense to food bloggers out there, your discipline is award-worthy! here... have a biscuit as a reward! harharhar!

rubbing my tummy and mourning the loss of a week's worth of gym, the show finally expressed signs of starting. lights dimming, a voice-over, the mestizo owner graciously welcoming us, and the dancers finally appeared. my friend had wondered how it was that the organizers were going to pull this one off, highlighting flip flops. their ingenious solution, through modern ballet.

dancers, wearing body fitting, spandexy costumes started prancing about to Portuguese beats while flaying arms and feet would display the product of the night, subtlety. i'm pretty sure i could have appreciated the show more, if only i had enough blood retained in my brain as i swore while i watched these pirouetting bodies, stretching and spinning and contorting before me, that all the blood in my body was all directed down there... to my stomach. man, was i full!

the night pretty much ended with that. after the great number, the organizers arranged photo ops with the owners and some note worthy bloggers (which i am sure i am not part of in any way) and even had a raffle draw. my friend actually won, but since we had left already when they drew his name, he award was forfeited. hehehehe, sayang.

overall, my first product launch was pretty fun! i got to meet interesting people, see first hand a new line (feeling style editor!), got to witness a good show and got to take home, in my tummy, a free meal when i needed it the most! hehehehehe. i would like to thank again him for inviting me and hope that i get to attend more events like this. promise, next time, i won't eat as much! :)

faces and impressions

while working for my design company in dubai, i recall one of the highlights of my tenure there was when my arab bosses graciously hired an image consultancy firm to give us all a make-over. it basically composed of sessions on how to dress and how to groom ourselves so that we would look presentable to our clients, and thereby, more credible when "selling" ourselves and our designs to them. the culminating activity was to go on a "hypothetical" shopping spree with the consultants and put together a new ensemble, taking into consideration all the tips and tricks we learned from the sessions. i say hypothetical, since we never really got to buy any of the items we picked (our bosses were not THAT gracious) but simply tried on the clothes in the fitting rooms, much to the dismay of the sales clerks who probably thought they hit the jackpot with us since we were lugging around so many as if the store was on sale!

in the end, we were assessed on how much we had improved and were given recommendations as to how we could further embetter ourselves in order to "survive" in the very tough and judgemental world of design! needless to say, though some fared better than others, yours truly did only what was expected of him from the start... i was FABULOUS! hahahahaha... like i really needed to know what to wear. pish posh! i could have worn bjork's swan dress better than BJORK! (joke, not even a swan would be caught dead in that) anyway.

what probably struck me the most during that entire session was how these people stressed how important it was to present yourself properly. though this was something i already inherently understood, i still appreciated it that the issue was brought out to the surface for truly in this cut-throat (and very cynical) world of ours, we are all subject to a judgemental and discriminating eye. take into full knowledge that despite how good we are as a person, our first impressions is, most often than not, all people need as a basis to whether or not to trust you. sight is our most used sense and though certainly we are more than what we behold and would definitely like others to know us more than just a "book with a nice cover", how do we even get there when we have already failed in convincing them that we are books worth reading at first glance?

* * * * *

i remember a conversation i had with a friend, actually, two very similar conversations with two different friends, about how frustrated they get whenever they go to the mall. they complain that they never really get the service they deserve, more so, they even feel like they get discriminated against for looking "poor", and thereby, get followed around by sales people who look like they were preparing for a grab-&-tackle the moment my friends would even suggest pilferage, not that my friends would actually do any such deed (o yan po!!! bibili na PO!!!).

though part of me could understand their agitation for who really wants to get identified that way, i wondered what was it that made these clerks think of them as possible thieves in the first place? was it really because they looked "poor" for i doubt anybody really would go out and try to look impoverished? or was it because they went out and presented themselves poorly, i.e., unkempt or, for lack of a better word, "sabog"? i recall one time while driving into an exclusive village to see my client, dressed in my usual collared shirt and jeans and driving old faithful, my trusty FX, i was asked to surrender my ID at the gate and was made to wait until my client gave word to let me in. i didn't really think anything out of the ordinary was happening for this was standard for most villages. it was when my partner and i met up inside that made me realize that i have just been "judged". she wondered why she was not asked for her ID. she being her kikay self, was dressed to a tee, bejeweled, and aboard her swanky new CRV. though i would not consider my experience to be as grave as my friends', it still drove in the point on how image plays a lot on how people perceive us to be, more so, our intentions.

another pertinent instance was during my super late site visits, the one's wherein i would go to trinoma mall at 11pm or even past midnight to check on work being done. now you would expect that security would question what i was doing there at such an unholy hour but of the many times i have gone, i was only asked once. the reason? my client said "face value". was it the way i dressed? walked? carried myself like i owned the world? winked at the guard? i don't really know. all i really cared about was that i get to my site with the least hassle as possible. maybe they thought i was korean and was craving for starbucks... but at 2am!?? didn't he find it strange?

which now leads me to another question about how we judge. what if it's not all about how we package ourselves? what if it's just who we are?

* * * * *

dabo wrote a post about stereotyping and discrimination in the workplace not so long ago. though the comment i left was written in a rather humerus tone, it did still however stir something in me. there is no doubt that we are often judged based on how we look and present ourselves as i have already pointed out, but we too are also judged based on our identity as a person. we are discerned based on our color, height, weight, beliefs and orientation... almost like picking fruit from a fruit stand. and when it comes to discerning (be it fruit or whatever), with my background, i can vouch how important these seemingly insignificant characteristics can play in the aspects of one's social and personal life.

being chinese, i will be the first to affirm that many of us are ethnocentric and have long believed in our superiority above other races, and though you do not see this being practiced as strictly as how it was before, it is still very much there and still very palpable. we are proud, too proud sometimes and too quick often to dismiss the myriad of other races in our midst, just because of reasons such as "cultural inferiority". but to those who judge, you will be judged the same is all i say, for this prejudice many of us exercise have also become something we often become the victims of. just recall the kidnapping spree way back when and you would get my idea.

"ho? chinese po kayo? e ba't kayo nandi'to?" (you're chinese? why are you here then?)

this was the remark of one pinoy clerk i was talking to while i was in dubai. amazed as to how an oriental looking guy can speak tagalog so fluently, i told her i was tsinoy, that is, i was filipino-chinese. her reaction almost made me ask her if it was wrong that i too was an OFW? that maybe i too wanted to try my luck elsewhere and consider helping out my family back home? but i never bothered to continue the topic. she had other things to attend to and i decided this was not the proper avenue for me to voice my opinions.

i am chinese. i have paler skin, chinkier eyes, speak a different language and probably, share my family name with another billion. it however does not mean that i eat noodles everyday, that i know kung-fu, that you need subtitles to understand what i say, that i am spectacular at arithmetic, good in business, or that i am rich. since i was raised with migrant, christian, middle class family values, i was raised to value money and learn how to save. i was taught how hard work pays. i grew up in a strict patriarchal family system where the words of elders are likened to the law. i was taught of how it is to be discreet and endure long suffering so as to keep ones honor and to learn how to respect others, even above oneself. i learned of a different kind of pride, one that is not boastful but keeps its integrity in secret and in silence.

it is unfortunate however that a lot of people do not see past my oriental exterior and the reputation my exterior represents. no matter really as i have long accepted, like how people are, that there are some things you can not change, like people's opinions, unless they themselves chose to change it. all i can do is change myself. stick to defying the norm, the stereotypes. not limit myself to labels and people's expectations but instead, follow my own convictions. i look the way i look, dress the way i dress, walk the way i walk, i talk the way i talk, i laugh the way i laugh, i feel the way i feel, i pray the way i pray, i believe the way i believe, because this is who i am and nothing more. it really should be enough.

to vikki, my friend

you sat in the opposite end of the room, too far for me to see. even after you stood up in front to give your say and caught everyone's attention, i do not recall having any impression of you. yet when it was my turn to speak up front, you took notice of me. you singled me out and you remembered.

a week went by and you came up to talk to me. it was a technical question that i can no longer recall but it eventually led to a conversation. you introduced yourself and i reciprocated. it was only a polite gesture for me back then to give you my name and shake your hand. i never knew, nor would i ever would have known that that moment would be the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life, one with you playing an integral part.

years have now gone by and i cannot imagine how my life would have turned out without having your presence, physical or not, by my side. our souls are joined at the hip and even if there were moments i wished i could depart from you... i knew inside that the bond was deep and could not be easily severed. our bond has been divinely set, forged with life's ups and downs, with its laughter and tears, in its joy and its aches. a bond i have never shared with anyone else who was not of blood and kin. this bond is what gives me strength now when i feel lonely and wish that i could see you again, only to remember that you now live so far away. this bond is what gives me faith, that though our circumstances have now diverged, that we would still keep our friendship fresh and strong. this bond is what gives me hope, like how we met that one friday so many years ago, that our paths will definitely cross again. oceans and continents could only try to prevent this.

in the wake of the past days events, i can only sit quietly and reflect on the many memories i now have because of you. i focus on the smile they bring to my lips and the lift they offer to my weighed down spirit. though in our separation, the heart aches as it always had, i have learned to be comforted with knowing that you now have found for yourself a greater ally, a beautiful counterpart. to have been a constant witness to the blossoming of your love for each other is something to be compared to the best of fortunes and i can only feel honored to be have been made a part of it.

thank you for including me in your life.

thank you for being a part of mine.

thank you for singling me out.

thank you for being my friend.

to ozgur, as the priest said, you are doubly blessed. take good care of yourself and of vikki.

a saturday to remember

beloved ling-ling, she did me well yesterday. her skills in planning and her excellent handling of my dilapidated revo had seen me finish all my errands before the sun even kissed the horizon. she was so efficient, i was able to squeeze in two more not previously planned tasks into my super tight schedule, and i still had time to spare for some shopping and a nap after.

the day started very early. kuya bolted into my room at 6am to pack for his flight to bacolod that morning. i usually dislike being disrupted like this as its puts my body out of sync, kuya unfortunately, is not really the type who can pack quietly. i eventually got up knowing all attempts to get more sleep was futile and started to prepare for my monstrous day.

saturday was a day for the books! i recall having had days like this before where i found myself crisscrossing the metro but today, by far, beats all those other days by LIGHT YEARS! i really thank God that the saturday traffic was in my favor since, apart from certain areas, my "flight" through my day's tasks went about pretty smoothly.

sparing everyone of my detailed itinerary, it simply went about like this.... though, i didn't feel all that simple.

1. drive from manila to drop off kuya at the airport.
2. drive from airport to retiro to pick up paints from boysen.
3. drive from retiro to eastwood to drop off paints and pick up glass tiles for cutting.
4. drive from eastwood to delmonte to glass supplier. draw out sketches for furniture while waiting for cutting.
5. drive to araneta to check on my construction site.
6. lunch at some japanese wannabee place since jolie-beh! was full!
7. drive to ortigas ave, to drop off drawings in client's house.
8. drive to eastwood to drop off cut glass tiles.
9. drive to meralco avenue to check on kuya's flat.
10. rest!

by 4pm, everything on my list was ticked and accomplished. ling-ling was brushing off stray hair off her linen blouse, trying to contain her satisfaction, looking as if asking "is that all? ppffft!"

****

i got an invite through text from mcvie a while back asking if i would like to attend his group's x'mas party. this was quite a surprise actually since i just met mcvie a week prior and here i was being invited already to a gathering. pardon me for thinking such but i never really considered my presence to serve any social impact, more so in someone else's barkada's party (unless if i was hired as the party clown, in which case, i'm sure they will never invite me again!). so to be asked if i would like to be amongst bloggers, some whose blogs i read on a daily basis was almost like getting a VIP backstage pass to a rock concert! i was so game, i was typing out my con-FEERMation as fast as my fat fingers could strike my minuscule phone's keypad.

the venue was at the linden suites in a room rented especially by one of the bloggers. after managing through the security points and the almost dizzying corridors of the hotel, i was finally able to get myself to the designated spot. i rang the door bell but no one was answering. the door was kept ajar though and basing from the sounds of madonna playing inside, i knew, at least that i was at the right place. soon enough, a couple more of the guests arrived and i followed them in.

this is my first blogger get-together and i certainly have to say, i had a blast! i have always enjoyed parties wherein the mood is light with no pretenses. everyone is just there to meet new people, see old faces, share good food and good laughs and just HANG! despite being a stranger to all of them, i felt warmly welcomed and it did not take me long to let myself relax and enjoy the evening as well (natas'ya was working it!) i soon found myself getting into conversations, introducing myself to people and asking about them, making side comments and basically, feeling familiar... without, hopefully, over stepping my boundaries in the process.

i got to meet people from different backgrounds and the authors of a lot of the blogs i read (and will now read). the experience of seeing the persons behind these sites was almost as close as being star struck! there were moments where i found myself saying "so you're (name of author) of (name of blog), OMG! i'm such a fan!" i actually had to tell mcvie at one point that i did not feel exceptionally worthy to be surrounded by authors of such caliber in the blogsphere. my wee little ranting vestibule of an online journal was a fart in the wind compared to the "legends". my brief spurt of humility was however quickly brushed aside as nonsense, a gesture that i truly appreciated, it having come from these blogging demigods!

as it got later in the night, the party started to wind down as well. we eventually found ourselves saying goodbye to new found friends, hoping that we would see (and should see) each other another time. i stayed behind until morning since i had no place to crash. me and those who were still there found ourselves deep in more stories from topics that ranged from politics to showbiz to ghosts to fitness. anything and everything that would catch out fancy, really.

the sun was staring to rise and i too had to leave since i had church in a few hours. i bid farewell to those who so warmly accommodated me and took me into their fold and thanked them for a great night. it definitely was a perfect way to end my day.

to all the people i met again! super super super thanks!!!

TGIF

ah... saturday. the weekend again. can't really remember when it was the last time i looked forward to weekends after a harrowing week at work. seems like a super long time ago. i guess this is one of the things freelancers will always never get to enjoy, weekend dreaming.

i had a semblance of social life last night (or so i tried to convince myself) when i went out to dinner with my high school friends. one of my friends, lor, came back for a visit after permanently transplanting herself and her entire family to the lion city, singapore. it has been a good 7 or so months already since we last saw her, and almost a good YEAR since the gang had a dinner together, so naturally, we (well, just one of us actually) found this to be a great opportunity to hit two birds with one stone.

i got to makati rather early since i also wanted to make full use of the day. did my rounds first at my sites in legaspi village, checked up with the clients, then went to glorietta to make a RARE luxury purchase... i went and bought running shoes. (you do know that this post is now veering off tangent, BRACE YOURSELVES!)

i was supposed to be heading off to the new balance store at the ground floor but found myself lost in a torrent of people crisscrossing the corridors of glorietta. i forgot it was gimmick night and people just got out from work. nearing the point of my claustrophobia threshold, i quickly got myself to the first store i could see that had enough room and OXYGEN for me to breathe... the athlete's foot. wonderful! even at the verge of loosing consciousness, i was still efficient!

after collecting my bearings inside, my attention was drawn to the rather attractive display of NB shoes that lay before me... even made more attractive since they bore a sign that said "10% OFF". i found myself suddenly under a beam of light shining down from heaven with angelic singing emanating from above. recognizing probably that i was hooked, this rather cute sales clerk moved in for the KILL!!!

"sir... new balance po! 10% off po yan, bagong mga model!" (as if i can't read!!! no need to reiterate the obvious.)

well, since he already made the effort to sell, i proceeded to ask regarding what shoe to get. i told him i'm a pronator but am not flatfooted. he then proceeded to measure my feet and after some calculations and MORE sales talk, he introduced me to NB 1224. THE running shoe that was perfect for me, apparently. great cushioning, support, weight transfer, stability and other technical details that kinda just breezed through my head. in fairness to the shoe, it felt very comfortable indeed and delivered all the necessary details i was looking for. my sales clerk, together with a crowd of other sales ppl now around me , proceeded in their spiel on the pros of this particular shoe. they tried to drown me with more facts about how this would improve my running, yada yada yada but at that point, my brain was only gearing to one singular focus... PRICE. taking into consideration that with all the features this shoe had, i can't believe it doesn't come with batteries, more so, that it can RUN for me, i was bracing myself for the impending dent on my wallet, well, my card really. Lord only knows i'm not as liquid as i used to... hell, i'm practically coagulated.


"so, magkano?" i asked. my guy paused, smiled at me and gave the price. honestly, if i were probably my cranky, fickle, chinese self, i would have immediately walked out of the store since with prices like that, man, i'd rather eat! but i wasn't and i don't think my current running shoe will last me a 5k, so, with not much struggling, i willingly surrendered my card to the credit gods.... i now am in possession of my most expensive pair of footwear. i think i will run with it wrapped in plastic....

REELING BACK TO THE ORIGINAL TOPIC OF THIS POST.... my apologies for the sudden detour.

it was good seeing familiar faces again. faces that have been there from long ago, from a time when our lives was just about school and passing to see another school year. though we don't see each other as often as we want to, it doesn't really bother us so much since we all know, we are all just there.

our dinner started with catching up on what is the latest in our lives, as it always does. lor is settling well in singapore. she now prides herself for having fun now for a change since she used to hold quite a reputation for being a sheltered workaholic, a news much of us took into delight. conversation eventually moved to gossiping and finally, a walk on memory lane. don't get me wrong though, nostalgic walks for us means we talked trash about people back in high school, we are not really a pack of saints, though our school prided itself of upholding very christian virtues.

last night's dinner though had a new addition to the normal catty comments and loud laughing. we actually had a serious topic, courtesy of yours truly. we were all of age and i just wondered what our prospects were for the future, business wise, family wise and well, relationship wise. well, lor is now investing to buy a home. another friend will be starting a teaching job soon. she already has a son so her priorities are pretty obvious. us boys in the other hand, well, we all seem still floating. just work and work. it seemed that the boys and i had the same feeling that we wanted to invest in security and until we feel we are ready and secure enough, cannot afford to get ourselves distracted... even with possible relationships.

at the end of the night, as we all parted to go home, i felt a sense of peace. not really sure why. maybe because meeting my friends from way back made me realize that i'm not so peculiar as i thought i was, and in a way, made me feel less alone.

apollo

"good morning! enjoy your sunday!" the message read. as expected, while the sun will rise from the east, so will i have my morning greeting from Apollo.

apollo. (ink on paper) 2008

we have never met before, nor have we ever spoken over the phone. to be honest, our longest conversation ever was this one lazy sunday afternoon wherein we exchanged SMS' the entire day playing a "getting to know you better" game. we volleyed questions at each other, having the other person guess something about ourselves from mundane stuff like what was our age to more private details. loser treats the other guy out to a movie. i won but never had the chance to claim my prize.

ever since then, Apollo would keep in touch with me over text. never really to converse but more just sending general greetings everyday saying "good morning" or "hi, just woke up and feeling lazy to go to work." there was even a time i got a message that said "hello. just got home from work and gym. feeling tired. can't wait to go to sleep! anyway, good night!".

though his messages sounded like a mass forward to a bunch of people in his phonebook, i still take time, whenever i remember to reply. he would then sometimes return my greeting with a simple "thank you" with no inkling to have further conversation. so this has been my relationship with Apollo, getting regular updates through text and me occasionally responding. his messages have now become a fixture to my day, to the point that i think they find themselves lost in the flurry of activities i jam pack myself with, disappearing in the blur. it never really occurred to me why, a practical stranger, would take such efforts in consistently sending these greetings to me (and probably also to many others), who are fellow strangers as well.

the thought came to me when Apollo again texted me this morning while i was in the middle of dimsum. probably due to the mandatory laid back decorum one has to adhere to when "dimsum-ing" that i was sober minded enough to actually ponder on this question. surprisingly, the answer came to me rather instantly. i believe Apollo was simply trying to connect with the people around him, reinforcing his existence in the memory of others and, to a certain extent, the cosmos.

****

a constant fear of living alone and growing alone is that one day, we will be forgotten and that the memory of the lives we have led, though they may have been fruitful and free from many regrets, will fade away the day we expire. our existence and mark on this earth, disappear like the dream in the twilight of people's awakenings.

Apollo strums the strings of the universe by sending blanket messages to people. hoping that the vibrations he create travels far enough, long enough, for him to leave a lasting note. i reply to tell him that i heard him, that i understand what he is trying to do. maybe because i blog for the same reason.

a slice of drama

before dulce started belting out that old familiar ballad for charo santos' tribute to the country's love for melodrama, MMK (maalaala mo kaya), there was... lovingly yours, helen (LY,H).

for those of you who cannot relate, LY,H was practically THE show to watch back in the 80's if you were the type who had nothing better to do on a late sunday afternoon. right after the ultra cheesy cabaret-esque GMA supershow, almost like a salve to sooth away the trauma of seeing german moreno outshine the stars with his sequin studded ensemble, comes the mellow person of helen vela. almost like floating in her own little bubble of calm and serenity, her show was like visual yoga. with her iconic white rose somewhere in the screen (that was sooo long ago, my memory is kinda blurry already, or was it our TV back then? or maybe both?), she narrates the letters of viewers, whom so ever eloquently write in to tell of their life stories and while the show seamlessly switches from her and the letter's dramatization. at every shows end, in true yogi manner, she offers her enlightened advice. heart felt, wisdom laden yet surprisingly vague. advice that i am sure can be both applicable when either making life choices or deciding which pair of jeans to buy whenever ZARA goes on sale (me, i'd buy them all!!)

sadly, the show went off the air eons ago, and not soon after that, helen also went "off the air", succumbing to cancer while in treatment the US.

****

"do you think i'm too ma-drama?"

"um....."*

"yes or no!?"

"i think you have every right to feel the way you feel. it was still a good part of your life that you lost so it's really understandable for you to feel depressed about it."

"but that was 9 months ago and i still can't move on."

"i think you need to be honest with yourself. just feel what you need to feel. cry if you have to. get mad if you have to. just get it done and be done with it. seriously, it such a waste of energy to wallow."

"yeah, i guess your right."

"i mean, so what if the relationship failed. so what if u finally realized your ex was an ass. so what!? take courage to hurt now. then, stand back up, dust yourself a bit and move on. no point really to feel sad anymore. it's all in the past already, what more can you do?"

"but i can't seem to get over the fact that things went wrong."

"but things really do go wrong. and as if you didn't try to fix things. you did. but it failed. not because you failed, but he didn't want the fixing."

"so what do i do now?"

"move on. really, don't you think you have given enough of yourself to this person? i mean, give yourself a break! where is your sense of self value? you need to take back control of you life and your happiness. he's gone, thank god. he already took so much of you with him, you think it's fair that you're still giving him yourself after he ended things with you? do you really want to end up like an old bitter fag for another old bitter fag hag?"

"hahahahaha, no. i guess not."

"good. 'coz old and bitter can be sooooo un-fabulous! :)"

"thanks for giving me hope, so sorry to keep barraging you with my complaints."

"all in a days work of a friend. always a pleasure to help."


*italicized text best read out loud while sporting an indian accent. no offense to indians or those who love their accents. la-lang.

halloween!!!!

the criterion clearly stated that the costume was something you would NOT wear on a regular day. i distinctly remember reading it on the company bulletin board when i passed by the studio one morning for my pilates class. that was also the day when my client informed me that they will be expecting me at her house in san lorenzo for the party cum house warming on the 31st. i gladly said yes to the invite despite the fact that i was screaming inside in sheer panic. i have never been to a costume ball before and have really no idea what to come in as. a battle plan was in order and i had to exclaim the phrase not often used for Halloween... "i have nothing to wear!"

i designated thursday to be make or break day for me. i took to the corridors of tutuban PRAYING that my fleamarket of fleamarkets would not let me down. more so, that my imagination would eventually stir up some crazy idea that would not only be fun to wear but also cheap.... i had to consider that i was also broke and buying a costume would just be too indulgent.

i had the original option of coming in as a taliban, though that would require me to layer on too much clothing, something i knew would just get me all uncomfortable. then there was also the idea of dressing up like ex-manila mayor lito atienza. i chanced upon a store that sold bright Hawaiian shirts that gave me the idea, but the shirts were too pricey for just one time wearing (no way am i gonna wear a Hawaiian shirt in public!). then there was also the landlady idea. dress up in a batik dress, fluffy slippers, a cigarette and hair rollers.... problem is, my hair can't support the rollers. also another option was to buy yards of orange fabric and come in as a Buddhist monk... i just didn't want to shave my head. so i had one option left, an idea crystallized with melloida a few hours prior.

i came in as a korean tourist! i wore my cross trainers, grey wool dress socks, dark cargo shorts, a dress belt, a belt bag, a long sleeved shirt, a knitted vest, a sun visor and my dark rimmed glasses. that coupled with a tourist ID and my camera and pouch slung across my body . that's with me and bong, the hunchback. i loved her costume so much, i just had to have my pic taken with her. SEE, i was in tourist character too!!! the people around were obviously dumbfounded by my utterly clever disguise.

my client, bless her heart, got it at an instant and said that i was very convincing. i guess it helps as well if you lived in china for a few years. the other's however needed some more explaining on my part. too much for trick or treat... where's the treat then!? sigh.... o well! at least the "boss" got it :) here are some more pics from the party courtesy of richie.

korean tourist with the boys of allez hop!

the fornicating friars. richie with wife, karts :)

korean tourist hamming it up with one of the friars!

the undead family of allez hop!



zombied taong grasang binaliw. girl in best costume: che



the vengeful wife from the grave. runner up, girl in best costume: renee

the public hospital patient. boy in best costume: ervin

death on steroids. runner up, boy in best costume: vic



THE END.... mwahahahaha!!

smiling

its day two now and i can't believe i am still a tad bit upset. despite all my efforts not to think about what transpired last sunday, i still find myself going over the events. forward, backward, then forward again, like watching a movie with remote control at hand. it's seriously tiring but i somehow cannot get myself to stop. will try to preoccupy myself with tasks, hopefully this will free me from this rather pathetic inertia.

****

i found myself seemingly not myself today. i was functioning yet i didn't feel like i was really there. i felt detached, distant, almost like having an out-of-body experience. the day was still early but i was already fatigued like i haven't had sleep in weeks. my movement was heavy and everything just felt awkward. driving was also particularly taxing to the point that i got myself clipped by a truck but never really bothered to see what the damage was. i simply drove off and proceeded with my day.

there was no emotions today, not happiness, not anger, not even sadness. all i felt was a void actually, a lingering nothingness where something that once made me tick, well, used to be. to be honest, the only concrete feeling i had this entire day was the feeling of hunger. i was hunting the grounds of glorietta and SM for something and wouldn't allow myself to stop for lunch. i swear my innards were already liquefying from my stomach acids but i just wouldn't quit. to the point that my stubborness won and the pain eventually subsided. i did eat however a few minutes later. spicy tuna sashimi and really bad beef curry. neither my stomach nor i were impressed.

not soon after i was on the road again. went to my construction site to check on things. they were pouring in concrete today for the building's foundations. the sky was gloomy and it started to rain.... it started to rain really hard. my nonchalance couldn't have come at a worse time, i said to myself, which i also texted mark about. here i was, stranded out in the rain, at a construction site... surrounded by half naked bronzen construction workers.... all dripping wet.... sigh.... what is a gay man to do?

God certainly was trying His best to cheer me up.

****

food and friends, what can be a better combination? i tried to count my blessings over the past few days, just to make myself realize, truly, that i do have everything i need to be happy. probably one of the best that i have are memories shared with friends over a good plate (or plates) of food. i recall richie and our heart to heart over breakfast at delifrance on salcedo about my role in life and what the future holds for me. i recall having a blast with macoi and melloida at fu kui, this chinese resto, and how these two clowns lambasted the mainland accent. i recall home cooked adobo with vikki in our small flat in dubai while we ate at the floor, too poor to afford furniture. i remember leni and her crispy corned beef and how it made me cry. i recall fran and the entire gang being balled over by her excellent thai cooking, despite her being swiss. i recall my brother, laughing his head off while we shared a bottle of rose wine. i recall making sweet cous cous for ozgur and how he finished it all, despite the fact that he is not fond of sweet food. i recall rosemary and surya while gorging over some hot steamy masala. i recall meyer and starbucks one rainy night along banaue. i recall mark and his fascination with a pink colored quek quek.... which eventually led to what transpired on sunday.

food and friends.... damn. i sure have loads of memories with them. funny. i can't seem to remember any with you. hahahahahaha!!!!

OK, i'm SOOOOO better now!

realizations

found myself restless these past few days. i tried not to address it, hoping that it was just probably nothing. but as the days went by, it grew stronger. almost to the point wherein my restlessness felt like there was an urgency to it.

ignoring it didn't work, so i tried resolving it but loading myself with things to do. gym, work, gym, kickboxing, pilates, blogging.... almost to the point of over fatigue... but the restlessness was still there. it never went away.

i found myself this afternoon wandering the expanse of mall of asia. kuya is currently in nepal roughing it with the yaks and the sherpas for two weeks so i have weekends alone till his return. maybe that's the reason i'm restless... hmmm?

****

"are you still depressed? don't worry little girl, big girl is here for you."

"but you never are." i couldn't help it but reply out of sheer exhaustion. i was tired of playing, tired of being strong, tired of being the good friend, tired of being the go-to guy. just tired. people have told me before to distance myself from you. you were bad news, but i didn't really believe that. i said you were just misunderstood, that you are indeed kind and considerate and pleasant. but you let me down today.... and proved all the things that people tell me of you right. this is what i get for believing in people.

****

when you enlarge your capacity to accommodate other ppl, why can't they do the same for you? when you anchor urself deeper, make urself stronger so you can be a pillar of support, why can't they do the same for you? when you give them the care they wish, the help they need, the praise they long, why can't they do the same for you? why? maybe because they finally got what they wanted and your concerns, really, shouldn't be anyone else's problem.

****

someone once told me that blogging is a form of ego tripping. not merely a form of self expression but is also a way one strokes his idea of self worth. one writes apparently, not just to convey ideas and contribute to the general consciousness, but write as well to be read. allow me to add another. i write to read. i write my thoughts out so that in the future, when i am old and grey, that i have a documentation that i did walk this earth, that while i was a transient resident, that my life had meaning and that i lived it to the best way i knew how.

****

today i realized that i have a lot anxieties for the future.
today i realized that i actually have fewer friends that i had expected.
today i realized that people behave like total neaderthals, uneducated, uncivilized, inconsiderate morons when put in the presence of celebrities.
today i realized that i am cynical for a reason.
today i realized that i actually have limitations, and that other people have limitations too.
today i realized that i need love.
today i realized that i have to love myself, because no one will do it for you.
today i realized that i still have a lot of things to do to be truly happy.
today i realized that i need to simplify my life again.
today i realized that all i need to be happy, i already have.