reasons

i was waiting for it, water washing down from my nape, watching it create streams flowing down, following the contours of my body, cascading down towards the cold tiled floor. i followed my breathing, feeling the rise and fall of my shivering chest, listening as i sucked in volumes, only to relinquish them after a few moments hold. the thrashing sound of the water was deafening against the silence in my head. i was waiting for it, bracing myself for it, for that overwhelming emotion to engulf me again like it would always do, drowning me again in a disorientating whirlpool of fear and doubt and regret.. but there came none. there was none. there was only i, the water, the quiet calm, the sweet stream against my nape, and a growing gladness in my heart that came from a boy who was turning towards his God to praise Him.

i realized that God is truly a God of purpose. i know He was, but today, i realized He is, and i cannot help it but be thankful that i could appreciate all that He has done. words could not express. blogging about it cannot do it justice. my Lord is a patient farmer and i can only be blessed to be under His care.

the recovery of the sage

ling-ling walked towards me and patted me on the head. two brief taps was what she offered me, followed by a tight smile. it was an awkward gesture from her as she was never one who was skilled in showing emotions. she hesitated for a moment and then rubbed by back, stroking it with all the gentleness she could muster as she tried to ease me of my burdens.

"the clouds are upon us again, child, and we need to be ready. be steadfast, boy. you have gotten weak lately and i sincerely do not know how to help you. whatever it is that is bothering you, you have to deal with it soon for, my bones are telling me, this next wave is going to be a big one and i cannot carry us all alone."

she spoke without looking at me while i sat and pondered on her words. we were of like-mind so we knew we understood each other. as i listened to her speak, i could not help but feel gratitude and love for her for ling-ling had taken over my role lately as i had been struggling to recuperate. she had taken it to herself to be the pillar of strength and reason in my incapacity, as best as she knew how. she had softened her usual uncompromising hold and learned to feel before she reasoned, a great feat coming from one whose stare can even melt the hardest stone. she had become tolerant of nata'sya and had even consented in some of her frivolous ways.

my jaw began to tremble, and my body began to shake, as my pent up emotions surged from their long repression. i felt a sudden choke and my eyes began to water.

natas'ya was resting by my feet, looking up towards me, inquisitively, wondering if the elder woman's efforts in comforting me were working. i recomposed myself and returned her gaze with a faint smile and she eventually turned away, satisfied by my response. i took a deep breath and exhaled, softly blowing out the contents of my soul, hoping in the process i feel some degree of relief, a brief freedom from the overpowering emptiness i feel within.

the cosmic winds blew against my face and i smelled a charged aroma in the air. a flashing of light called my attention to look far into the distant horizon. ling-ling and natas'ya we standing beside each other and were too looking at the same direction. towering plumes of thick clouds were billowing before us, an ominous creature of terrible might and proportion. the winds grew stronger, sounding with a rumbling against my ear. "it's here", the old woman coolly said. natas'ya shifted from her position and put her cold hand on my shoulder. "we need you now. please." she voice soft, her exotic accent now lost in impending storm.

a clear morning

he walked towards the direction of the grey horizons, towards the silvery sun as it slowly rose from its slumber, its color slowly burning into gold. i watched him from afar, this beautiful apparition, a hazy phantom, with the curiosity of a child. i exhaled as distance increased between us, my heart gave off a tender sigh as i tended a wound i had long thought had healed already.

he paused from his gentle move, as if hearing someone call out his name. he then turned and looked back at me, the sun forming him a spectacular halo, its bright glow beaming though his ghostly translucence. bathe in its blinding glare however, i could see his face and the look he threw at me. one need not have eyes to see for this was an expression i knew well, i felt well.

the sun ascended to finally take his place in his lofty throne. the azure skies now ablaze, his heavenly court crying aloud in great exaltation. my familiar phantom took not his kind stare from me. he lingered longer than he should, making fully sure that i will be fine. and as my expression finally began to mirror his, he broke his stance and continued to walk away towards the horizon. no words were ever shared between us, but words were never necessary.

the day was cool, the day was bright. i stood there and looked away towards the direction where he departed and smiled. in a very, very long time, i finally found myself take in a deep, sweet breath.

"o, zhu-ah, zhu-ah, gan shie ni."

dexter, the empath

i still remember it clearly.

i was having my despidida with my friends in bur dubai at this small coffee shop behind the mall. being the loud bunch that we always are, it didn't take that long for the small shop to start echoing with our noise. in the middle of our bantering, i asked one of my friends, prof, whom i have always known to be "special" to give me a reading.

PROF was my rendering teacher back in design school. like a lot of my teachers back then, she was pretty cool and very friendly. her pleasant demeanor as well as her quirky charm definitely aided in her instruction as she was always mesmerizing during class. it did not take long that we (my friends and i) would eventually befriend her. her stint as our teacher however did not last long as she got an offer to work abroad during mid sem. it was sad to see her go but we all understood her reasons. we tried to stay in touch but things just eventually faded as years went by though we keep in contact through friendster.

imagine my surprise when one day i got a message from her that of all places we would cross paths again, it would be in the desert!

i learned of prof's talents in the psychic arts from kay, my gurlfriend. prof had been lately practicing pranic healing and has become quite good at it. though i can't really say that i am a fan of the occult, i can say that i was curious of it since i am full aware that we also move in a supernatural realm. her being very accessible only made my curiosity almost too strong to handle. i didn't really want to ask her to exhibit her skills since i know that by her doing so, it depletes her strengths immensely (she is learning how to control that now, as well), but i took my chances when another friend asked her first if she could show us some of her "tricks".

prof started by rubbing her hands together. she said it energizes her chakra so to make her more sensitive. she then started to palpate the air around me, trying to get an idea of my aural field. now... i was pretty skeptical actually with all of this mumbo-jumbo so i didn't really pay attention to her as she waved her hands in the air around me. i instead was talking to the friend beside me about some topic i can no longer remember, that was, until i felt a strong distinct nudge on my back. i turned to see who it was or what it was that nudged me, but there was no one there, only prof sitting across the table, still waving her hand, her face looking particularly strained.

"jamie! yung aura mo.... ang lakas!" her hands scooped the air around me, the nudge coming from HER DIRECTION!

"prof..... you're PUSHING ME!!!!" i said in excitement. "e ang lakas e, tingnan mo 'to" she pushed the empty space again, this time from another direction and true enough, the nudging shifted. basing on her reading, i had a vast aural field, something that she attributed to empaths, people who are sensitive to their environments. she then proceeded to interview me if i really were such.

do you feel drained for no apparent reason when you are surrounded by other people? yes. as i have mentioned before, i am a susceptible victim of emotional vampires. shove me with a straw already and get it over with!

do you know what something really means? reading between the lines? yes, very recently, since the stresses at work had reached a tipping point and people have become paranoid as well as who is pro-company and those who are anti (sounds soooo local politics), i have learned to read people and also the cryptic messages that they would address to me. it has become an art. i also found to have a sense on non verbal communication as well. gestures speak louder than words sometimes.

do you feel compelled to help anyone in pain, even those who have hurt you? do i EVER!!? mother Theresa, if she was still alive, would have a run for her money! (if she had any, that is, er, was) i call it the superman syndrome. off to save the world as if i have atlas-like powers to bear the globe's burdens on my shoulders. sadly, all my attempts just leave me defeated and fatigued.... but that has never really stopped me, obviously.

do people suddenly open up to you? all i need is a couch and i am by default, every one's shrink. when asked, people say that i feel non-threatening and non-judgemental. that i exude an air of comfort and safety, enough for them to divulge secrets not even their closest friends or love ones know. in the past few years of me meeting these people, i have become a repository of wishes, skeletons and everything else in between. thank goodness i never get to remember who told them to me, only their stories! :)

can i heal? i was a physical therapist. it was my JOB!!!

by the end of the conversation, prof confirmed that i was indeed a genuine empath. actually, i had already known from long ago that i had a strange ability. it explained why i don't like being in crowds, why i detest needy people, why i had to learn how to have unlimited patience, why i had to keep myself on the moral high ground, why i would become so gravely negative most of the time. it also explained why mothers and grandmothers love me, why old people are drawn to me, why young gay twinks message me all of a sudden, why mortal enemies never stay that way with me for long.

prof gave me the proper term that day. empath. i on the other hand had given it a name long before, he was dexter, the right.

si nats, ling at si dex!

i have had this lingering thought in my head for the longest time. i know it will turn out to be an interesting read in the end, it's just that i have been having difficulty putting the thought together. the idea first came to mind while i was writing about my experiences in dubai, all of that walking down memory lane resurrecting issues i have long thought forgotten. such is always the case i guess when dust is unsettled as we tread on old paths again.

dubai taught me a lot about myself. through trials and hardships, i had to learn how to endure and fight for my principles. i eventually became more fortified because of it, but not after i experienced some kind of psychic-mitosis wherein my manners of thinking eventually became separate and distinct. i wouldn't want to think that i am now having tell-tale signs of multiple personality disorder, just that in handling my life back then, in true JAMIE-fashion, my weirdness just had to take center stage.

didi, my senior, was the first person to experienced my multifaceted-ness. she was the first person who got introduced to natas'ya, my vivacious, russian-lebanese, french maid vixen. christened anastasiya maysoon stanislova el-khoury, natas'ya would be my senior's favorite personality for very obvious reasons. she was the more flamboyant, bubbly, chatty, gregarious, bitchy, flirtatious me. unrepressed, unapologetic and free-spirited, natas'ya was a great companion on a dull, gloomy day. she's the shopping guru, the fashion savant and the gym bunny, basically your over all perfect gurl-friend. natas'ya however, also represents the more emotional side of my psyche. impulsive and very moody, she is not the best to count on during stressful situations. she's also shallow and ridiculously vain, aggravating me often especially since i would think i am neither of the two. but despite all this, she is the person i turn to for solace during a hard day's work. her innate frivolousness and happy air lightens even my most defeated of moods and help reinforce the optimism that tomorrow is another day and things will be better.

there was however a time when natas'ya disappeared, much to my senior's dismay. i remember she would plop herself at the chair beside me and ask, "jamieeeeee, where's natas'yaaaaa? i want to bitch!!!!". but natas'ya was no where to be found.

"i think ling-ling finally had enough of her. she's been driving her insane these past couple of months with her noise and her incessant whining. ling-ling finally snapped! locked her inside the closet. ling-ling is in control now."

"who the F*** is ling-ling!?" didi asked, agitated and in desperate need of her natas'ya fix.

ling-ling is another facet i later discovered. she is my chinese, middle-aged (or so she claims) and basing on her demeanor, perennially menopausal accountant. she represents the grave, serious, calculating, apathetic, and logical me. with very "vulcan" features, she wears a pale and sharp face, slits-for eyes peeping through her hazy spectacles held up by her narrow nose. her razor thin lips taper into tight corners, the left, punctuated by a hairy mole. her dull ashen hair is bound taut into a neat bun, with careful attention that no stray strand would disturb her face, else they interfere with her precious work. almost a product of intense communist reprogramming, ling-ling is always seen wearing a washed out grey linen, button down blouse, dark beige linen pants, and her black cotton flats. you would always find her sitting behind her worn-down mahogany stained, cedar-table, on a similarly finished stool that definitely have seen better days. she sits there day in and day out, clicking away feverishly on her abacus as if computing for the answer to life's mystery. this is ling-ling. severe, obsessive compulsive, and very predictable. she is also natas'ya's antithesis and mortal nemesis. though ling-ling's strengths lie on handling tough situations in near hellish conditions, her rise to control does not always guarantee success. her compulsions to consider all possible options and to do things ONLY in a certain way have been the cause of procrastination and many delays. her lack of emotions, though are very objective, have also led to harsh rule of almost tyrannical degree. she lives an unrealistic, stressful and lonely life, despite having such a sweet sounding name. it is however no coincidence that her name literally means "zero spirit".

dexter is the last to join the troupe of waring females who constantly wracked my subconscious. i guess he came about since i really needed a respite from the two heckling hens who i find always in a head butting match.

dexter is the child. smart, conscientious and idealistic, he personifies the part of me that my mom raised, minus the influences of the world. dexter is unlimitedly kind, tender, giving, nurturing and trusting. he is selfless and always conscious of other people's needs. he is the empath. virtuous, dexter also hold the moral compass and steers me towards everything good, nice and Godly. dexter, however, is also naive and often taken advantage of. years of being abused have led him to become more cynical (thanks to ling-ling's guidance) and more reclusive, in fear of being hurt again. he now explores his world through observation and using his smarts, create theories on how the world works, yet never bold enough to actually test and experiment their validity. being also the child and always being put under pressure by his two more seasoned, more opinionated counterparts, dexter has been wise to keep his views to himself in fear of being ridiculed. he then just aligns himself with whoever is more dominant and on certain occasions where his input is asked, inject his influence onto the person in control. dexter thereby is to be credited in the eventual softening of ling-ling's hard edges, and the tempering of natas'ya's emotinal flare-ups. in the end, dexter finds contentment is his small contributions. though it may be a while before he will find himself grown to be on the driver's seat, he knows that little by little, his presence will soon have as much authority as the other two.

****

the three are now revealed. the challenge now is to have them all cooperate once in a while. it certainly would do me a lot of help in managing life as i won't have to have three different voices trying top each other up in getting my attention. seriously... ang INGAY INGAY NILA!!! hahahahaha!

di pa ba ako talagang baliwwww???