reasons

i was waiting for it, water washing down from my nape, watching it create streams flowing down, following the contours of my body, cascading down towards the cold tiled floor. i followed my breathing, feeling the rise and fall of my shivering chest, listening as i sucked in volumes, only to relinquish them after a few moments hold. the thrashing sound of the water was deafening against the silence in my head. i was waiting for it, bracing myself for it, for that overwhelming emotion to engulf me again like it would always do, drowning me again in a disorientating whirlpool of fear and doubt and regret.. but there came none. there was none. there was only i, the water, the quiet calm, the sweet stream against my nape, and a growing gladness in my heart that came from a boy who was turning towards his God to praise Him.

i realized that God is truly a God of purpose. i know He was, but today, i realized He is, and i cannot help it but be thankful that i could appreciate all that He has done. words could not express. blogging about it cannot do it justice. my Lord is a patient farmer and i can only be blessed to be under His care.

skipping breakfast

i kinda skipped my morning quiet time today since i woke up a bit late. i felt a bit guilty that i once again pushed spiritual food aside in exchange for more worldly duties like work. God must be shaking his head at me again. ironic that this mornings message talked about how troubles come when we lack spiritual enjoyment, and here i was shoving it aside since i was running late, not even the least mindful of what my actions would cause me later on.

that little bit that i got this morning stayed with me though, during my drive to work. i was wondering how the troubles and problems in my life could have been caused by my lack of spiritual enjoyment. i then thought that, maybe, the problems had always been then, it was just that since my spiritual enjoyment got stunted, they seem to be more overwhelming. i think this is true, how these trials i go through seem to be trivial, despite their gravity, when i am enjoying my time with God. though God may not take them away (which happens), it doesn't matter since i am empowered to overcome.

i have to wake up earlier then, tomorrow. 730am wont do anymore :)

the day after

fasting again today. i miss the clarity food deprivation offers me. how i wish i could do it longer, maybe even seclude myself from the hustle and bustle of modern life and just be peaceful for a while. i however have to overcome first the hurdle of fearing the amount of work i'll be missing if i do just that, plus contending with family worrying over me that i have completely gone insane.

started my fast last night, having my last meal at about 4pm. felt short changed with Jollibee's extra large fries since from the looks of it, the amount i got did not warrant the additional P12 i pay for for an upgrade. been craving for sweets and decided to try out their new sundae selections. yesterday was pretty much a bad day for me and i thought the extra sugar in my system wouldn't hurt. ordered the black forest sundae with my pathetic serving of fries, and a jolly hotdog. the sundae was ridiculously runny. i complained about it but basing on the idiotic smile of the cashier, i doubt she has any clue why i was complaining. kuya once told me not to bother talking to people who are powerless to create change, or are too STUPID to recognize error. i adhere to that, thus lessening my public outbursts. problem there is, most of the people i encounter ARE people of that very nature. frustrated and beginning to have mental imagery of severe violence, i decided to just leave... resolving a fact that JOLLIBEE IS A FUCKING CHEAT.

having my last meal offered me some distraction. been thinking and re-thinking what i have been doing to myself and to others lately. after almost a full day of introspection, i found myself exactly where i was in the beginning. i was able to reconcile parts of what it was that was troubling me, yet a greater part of the whole still felt unresolved, and it's eating me up that after all this time, i still can't figure things out.

i just realized, kuya reads my blog. i'm bound to get an ear-full when he learns of what i've done (again). good thing he's been really busy with work so i don't think he'd waste time knowing about me since he practically sees me every single day.

running buddy, narnian just registered for the athens marathon... wow. part of me feels envious since i can only imagine what kind of an experience that would be. part of me, however, feels quite disinterested with the idea. honestly now, i don't think i can get myself excited about anything.

trips in the works for this year. guam, thailand, singapore, canada, japan, france, italy. just toying with the idea. let's see how things work out, if even i get time off work.

i'm hungry now, but that's normal. starting to get that headache, the first signs that toxins are now flooding my bloodstream.

been having a recurring playback in my head recently. it was of last thursday evening while i was at red mango with my broux. i saw 3 new characters and somehow, their identities stuck to me. strange. i can't seem to shake them off.

been getting a lot of encouraging and comforting words lately from friends and acquaintances. thank you. i really appreciate it. reaping what i sow. this is somehow how i feel.

i also feel really empty. as if my life is full of vanity.

this is the SHIT

while sitting on the can one morning, i found myself staring at a tub of pantene conditioner in my shower. a friend on mine said once that number 2's were always easier when you're reading something, some connection i guess with words and sphincter relaxation. i thought i was doing just that as i struggled to unleash my load. it was still quite a chore though as i felt like noah' ark was coming out of my behind. "what a pile of crap (pun intended), this doesn't work at all." i mumbled. but then again, i don't think i was really reading since all i could see from where i was seated was P-A-N-T-E-N-E. i shouldn't really complain.

* * * * *

my occupational therapist cousin once casually diagnosed me as being anal-retentive, basing it from observations about my control-freakishness, attention to detail and my resistance to change. they say you develop these traits during that time in your childhood when you were being potty-trained. the child apparently gets so attached to being able to keep his poop in, that he basically, well, keeps it all in, hoping to get much attention from his success (see how simple life was back then?) i guess i got really good at it since i have very vivid memories of my mom and my lola shoving BOTTLES worth of suppositories up my ass just so that i would be enticed to go. gosh.... if only they knew what that would do to me years later.

* * * * *

irritable bowel syndrome, that was what our family doctor said i had after giving me my meds to calm my stomach. "take a few of these for a few days, it should do the trick", she said. i was in third year university then already, competing for the best grades and, subsequently, had to move addresses into the resident toilet. stress apparently was to blame. i was told not to get anxious, excited, apprehensive or anything that would send my intestines into hyper drive. in case i was stubborn, my meds were a kind of sedative, guaranteed to keep me from any unfortunate accidents, most especially during exam week. needless to say, i skidded my way through college. all bad memories, neatly tucked away now in the nether regions of my expansive brain.

* * * * *

SEIROGAN. this was my miracle drug. it was by far, to me, the most significant contribution of my people to the world second to gunpowder! affectionately called "tae ng kambing" by my pinoy friends, this small, black pellet, smaller than a pea and smelling like a mix of menthol and, well, goat shit, has saved my life so many times. often indicated for minor discomforts like toothaches to as serious as food poisoning, i rarely leave home without a stash of this stuff. anytime i feel my insides starting to disagree with me, i just pop in a few of these babies and wait for them to work their magic! not a few seconds later and you feel as if you took in a spoonful of vicks vapor rub as your tummy heats up, quelling whatever it is that's irritating your bowels, killing whatever germs it was that may have caused it also in the process. though i personally haven't observed it, my pinoy friends who were bold enough to ingest this stuff said that a day later, they still smell it on their burp and in their "business". they also swear on its effectiveness though, personally, would only turn to it as a last recourse, just if the less offensive western meds were not readily available. to each their own i guess.

* * * * *

sports, girls and poop. these three were the most popular topics talked about in the men's dorm, according to my cousin who is currently based in the US. though i can't really say this is a global trend in all male communal dwellings, based on my experience while living out in my apartment with my guy room mate back in college, i do recall we did talk about poop a lot of times as well. nothing surprising really since neither of us were athletic and i obviously didn't care about girls. poop was the only thing we could bond on.... well, that and porn, but that's for another post. ahahahahaha!

life and the run

this is not a post valentine's day post but... hehehehe, humahaba ang hair koh!

anyway...

barely a week left before the century run and i have not yet trained. my ankle is still giving me problems and to make matters, well, a bit more complicated, even the good ankle is starting to show signs of wear. the heel on both feet feel like they're completely deflated. i have resorted to wearing heel cushions even on normal days to relax them. my calves feel now like stone. sigh...

been reading this inspirational book by BART YASSO on running and how it changed his life. i brought the book with me to read on my commute to dagupan the other day and almost found myself tearing up with some of the things he wrote and discovered during his many runs. he said in marathoning, it's really not about the race, but it's the journey. he said so many people get obsessed with time and pace and pushing their limits, almost to the point of madness, that they often forget to acknowledge that in the end, what's really of value is how far you have reached, how far you have gone to get to this point. i related so much to that.

i think other than the physical benefits running has given me, more over, it offered me a lot of insight about life in general. often i would find myself talking with narnian and relate something about life to running. it's not really being over-dramatic, but i guess, when your mind is so focused on something, which is the case when you run, your mind becomes clear and things start to make sense. now, don't get me wrong. i'm no where NEAR of being an Olympic runner, heck, i had fernando zobel overtake me and had me eat his billion dollar dust during the last condura run, but the focus i think, is the same. i offer the same dedication, according to my measure, to the game.

* * * * *

the handover at work is almost complete. my uncle decided, now nearing his 50's, to transplant his entire household to canada, despite living a very comfortable life here. i can't really make a lot of sense to his rather risky move, but, his life, his decision. i have been working in the family business now for almost a year (i started march last year) and am slowly finding my groove. it has taken a while to slowly let go of a dream and embrace a new, more practical one, but it's happening. the other day, my aunt, who runs the business, told me while she was remarking on my uncle packing up and leaving, that now, since we were down 1 man, i can no longer resign. that was when things finally sunk in. i am now trying to make peace with my path.

upon my visit to my client in dagupan, he was showing me his house and talking to me about building a boutique hotel off the coast of pangasinan. he liked my work and was dreaming up of other things for the future. they all sounded very nice, but then, i always get things like this, nice, tempting projects, every time i reach a crossroad in my life. kuya once told me, life throws you distractions whenever you make a decision. they come to test your ground.

* * * * *

there is always that urge to stop running, most especially when you are already hurting all over and stopping is the most logical thing to do. as you get overtaken by more able-bodied men and women, clearly more fit and more suited in running than you, then the urge becomes even more powerful. why do you run? are you built to last this long? maybe you have ran enough? maybe this isn't for you? there is always an easier way. as you slow down to a jog, then to a trot, then to walking, you count to yourself 10 seconds. ten seconds for your brain to process, for your adrenaline to kick in, for your endorphins to start pumping, for you to realize, you have what it takes to finish. 10 seconds to remember you chose to run, and run to finish. not by a long shot to be the first or the best, but to finish, because you can and you worked hard so that you can. in the end, as you count your last second, you skip a step, slap your fatigued muscles and whisper to yourself, just a few kilometers more.... and you begin running again, the pain now a companion.

things i do when i'm bored (3)

number three: work out.

ah, finally, the long overdue workout post. not that i'm saying i'm an authority on it, but modesty aside, i would like to think that i know more than the average gym bloke. what's the use of a degree in physiotherapy if you don't get to use it right?

i have been working out now for a little over 8 years. i started working out primarily for health reasons since i was grossly overweight (220lbs at 5'9") and my body was no longer coping with the strain of my love-hate relationship with gravity. my legs hurt, my feet ached, i was steadily getting more and more kyphotic. my liver was bad, my blood sugar was high and i'm pretty sure, my arteries and heart weren't in good shape either. i was in many ways a very unhealthy boy... though cute i may be in a chubby kind of way. needless to say, my ike lozada-ish exterior no longer afforded me the notion that i was jolly as a bee. my folks, being as how they are (worry warts), eventually dragged my fat ass and enrolled me in the neighborhood gym. ah, i recall that day very well. my dad was standing behind me, looking over my shoulder as i filled up the membership form while a particularly vivacious attendant discussed to me the benefits of exercise. a particular point she stressed on is the wonders loosing weight would do to my sex life. the bitch. was she implying i don't get any?!!! the WHORE.

anyway, that was 8 years ago. a lot has happened since. for one, i'm much lighter. over the course of the years, i have lost about 50lbs. my waistline is now at 33 from a 40, and the symptoms i used to have caused by my weight and my ill lifestyle are now all gone. owing also to the boost of self confidence weight loss has given me, i would like to think i take more initiative now to try new things such as sports. i have been also now more experimental with clothing since, well, now clothes ACTUALLY fit me! :) i have to say, a by-product of all this weight loss is definitely developing one's vanity. i never really imagined i could ever look good. now that i realized it's possible, you can't help but try to get better! (done in a healthy manner, of course)

so... what is a typical workout week for me? owing that i currently suffer from hypothyroidism, i have to take extra effort to crank up my metabolism to keep my weight under control. working an office job and a mad love affair with chocolate doesn't help me do that either.

for starters, i try to hit the gym at least twice a day. yes... twice a day. i workout in the mornings before work, and after, after work. i would do cardio in the mornings and weight training one body part, then finish up with weight training another body part at night. on alternating nights in exchange for weights, i go running, at least run 10K. i used to do muay thai on tuesdays and saturdays but that eventually came out too expensive. running at least is free :) this rather insane schedule assures me that my metabolism stays pretty high, or in most cases, normal (compared to an average person).

my diet is rather plain. i basically follow the rule: eat to satiate, not to get full. meaning, eat so you won't get hungry, but when you do eat, don't eat till you're bursting in the seams. my food consists primarily of vegetables, the green and leafy kind. this is my main source of sugar, as well as fruits and my lemon juice (with cayenne pepper). i take in high amounts of fiber as well, like flax seed meal, psyllium and oats. i try to eat leaner meats like fish and chicken, but won't say no to a nice slab of steak as well. fats come from chocolate :) hehehehe, i need my happy drug. despite this, i do have cheat meals and do also pig out sometimes. i just bear in mind to up the ante with my workout the following day to compensate the surplus fuel i ingested. my portions are also small. i have been eating like this for more than 2 years now and surprisingly, don't really get hungry often (this despite my parents thinking i starve myself.... do i look anorexic BA??)

that all said, i am still no where near the looks of a chiseled greek god, nor the stamina of a stallion in the wild. i can however say i am now at my healthiest and fittest and i think i should learn to just maintain my current state. i could maybe challenge myself again by learning a new sport or setting higher goals for my fitness (like join a triathlon perhaps) but other than that, i think i'm doing ok.

farmer hoggette said it best.... that will do pig. that will do.

february 2, 2010

i feel like a dry well/ not even a drop// worst of all/ i really want to get something off my chest/ and yet/ cannot find the words/ nor the right emotions to carry them out// i have been trying to write it down/ but cannot seem to get past the first sentence// my brain is a total mush//disorganized/ disorientated/ and stuck with a weird image of me/ dancing the waltz with the wind// there/ that's the image/ right/ there// it was a weird thought i had/ while i was staring blankly into the mirror/ sleep deprived/ and somewhat hungry// i recall feeling a bit odd at first/ then a tinge of glee/ followed by an undeniable sense of sadness// i really cannot understand/ what could be so saddening about dancing with the wind/ except maybe/ that like certain things in my life/ even if it were possible/ that instances like this/ just cannot be// funny/ even my subconscious knew how to catch my attention// i danced with a fictitious/ imaginary figure/ in an imaginary hall/ to the tune of some non-existent music// it was momentarily blissful i have to say/ then/ as instantly as it started/ the vision ended// i knew what my mind was telling me// i knew what my heart wanted to say/ but i felt more curious to know why of all metaphors/ i chose the wind// then i realized/ just now as i struggled for my second sentence/ that it was the wind that had carried my pain when i first hurt// it was the wind who bore his scent whenever we would meet// it was the wind and the night that i sighed to/when i could not talk to anyone// it was the wind who stayed with me/ patiently as i tried to forget// now that i know that the end is finally near/ now that i am also stronger/ i finally was bidding the wind adieu// he had served his purpose well/ he had been a great companion// he had been an excellent friend//

the pygmalion effect

the graphite tip of my pencil dragged violently across the awaiting white sheet of paper, receiving my thoughts, containing an outpouring of inspiration. a few rapid strokes later, familiar forms began to emerge, a head, an arm, a tensed deltoid. sinuous lines later gave sight to strong thighs terminating to a graceful foot. i drew to my heart's delight, taking careful measure onto the features i loved the most, the jaw, the gentle arch of the back, the smooth curves of an expressive arm, the subtle striations of muscles in movement. i drew him down quick, before my juices became depleted, before this beautiful vision of man vanish once again to the deep recesses of my memory.


i looked at him intently, allowing myself this moment of simple adoration, marveling at the lines created, amazed as to how great the works God had done.

* * * * *

i looked at him intently, through my discerning eye, and watched and scrutinized the features i loved the most, the jaw, the angle of the nose, the gentle cropped slope of his haircut, the texture of his smooth creamy skin. i took notice of his composure, how he walked, how he sat, how he fidgeted in his discomfort, how he feigned to show nonchalance. he was lively, he was funny, he loved to receive attention. his vibrancy was most palpable, evident through how he conducted his movements with much gusto, unmindful of how seemingly foolish they may be. he however felt lost, to a degree, unsure, but compensates with an unfounded hope, maybe even charged with the prospects of unrealized adventure. ah, the quickening feeling of the young, how attractive.

his smile is enchanting, and his gaze, what bliss must it be to find yourself lost in that stare. there is a certain elegance to this other one. though not as lively and not as young, his quiet disposition adds a sensual mystery to his person. he carries himself casually, not too serious to be stiff, yet not too loose to be tactless. he emanates a sense of balance, a calculated steadiness, an almost psychic symmetry. ironically, his equilibrium makes you distrustful, almost guarded against an unidentified danger. he sat in his seat, cool and calm, a common observer to some, but maybe a stalking predator underneath, you really cannot tell, and i guess, he liked it to be that way... and so did i.

i smiled the moment i saw him. the inner child in me wanted to leap in glee for how could you not feel joy when all about him, it seems, is just that, pure joy. to smile would simply be an effect to a most unobjectionable cause. my skin braced itself as i threw affection towards him, the kind you offer to a well beloved, and he readily returned it with an equal tenderness. i glow in his presence, like the moon reflecting the shine of the sun. his countenance is an intoxicating brew of all things happy, the ingredients of which stretch from summer squirrels playing in the grass to the charged spray of the ocean surf as it crashes upon a jagged cliff face. there is mischief in his voice and sincerity in his touch. how beautiful he truly is, even a blind person can testify.

* * * * *

with great appreciation, i render them onto my imaginary man, give life to attributes with each pencil stroke, thanking in turn my God, that i could be a witness to His great handiwork.

dissecting my smile

kuya said once, i was never good at hiding my emotions. true enough, despite how i fool myself that i have the acting talents worthy of fooling the CIA, even my dog knows when i'm having one of my rather dreary days. i guess i really am that transparent.

i was browsing through pictures taken of the new year's party i just went to and like any normal person would do, i went to look first at the photos that contained me (to post in facebook, of course). as i perused through the few hundred snaps taken by friends and tried to remember all the faces and the names that came with them, i could not help but notice how i looked in the pics. what started out to be a narcissistic endeavor to get the best shots of my not-so-beautiful person to post on facebook (with delusional hope that by doing so it would increase traffic to my page), slowly turned into an introspective observation of my behavior that night. as i looked at each picture of myself, i tried to recall what i was feeling, what i was thinking at that very moment. true enough, my immediate thoughts translated to how my face looked when the picture was taken.

smiles tell a lot more than just a pretty pose for a pretty shot, i found. that night, i learned that besides being happy, i was also being:

1. flirtatious. i didn't know i was doing it until much later when i noticed a few doing the same. i really could care less if my smiling translated as such though. the idea that i was willingly doing it was fun enough.

2. friendly. nevermind the wrinkles, nothing beats returning a smile with a smile. i smiled a lot that night, so much so, i think my cheeks needed a vacation by the time i got home. i think i got to meet more new people that night just because i had a smile on (almost) the entire night. hello new people!!! facebook?? hehehehe.

3. hopeful. blaming the idealist in me, i wished that friends would let by-gones be by-gones (like mgg's desire for world peace). i think i got my wish. blaming the romantic in me, i wished would find someone whom i could strike up a good conversation with. that wish was harder to grant i think... or maybe i was just dense and was already having a conversation? LOL!

4. doubtful. you can never snuff out the cynic in me. even then, i still smile. half-hearted but still positive.

5. guarded. even at times of awkwardness and discomfort, as long as i am in public, i will still be able to smile. i think, that would be my default non-responsive response whenever i find myself in a pickle.

6. supportive. i smile to nudge. i smile to applaud.

7. loving. i smile to nurture too.

8. amorous.

i had a full heart by the end of that night. even if i left early, i didn't mind. i was already full to the brim and basing on all the pearly whites i was already flashing, i really could not ask for more.

the tao of the run

i arrived at UPD shortly after 7pm. i parked at the same spot i always park in, right in front of this building i never really bothered to learn the name of. i had always favored this spot for some reason. it was dark, semi-secluded, under the cover of the university's many gigantic trees. as i got out of my car, the heavens suddenly opened and it began to rain. "great timing" i mumbled, just when i BADLY needed to "do this". i decided to pass the time in the car and wait for the rain to let up. no amount of precipitation, unless of ONDOY-proportions, will stop me from having my run tonight, i determined.

"... feel free to join me tonight." i texted one, but didn't get a favorable reply.

"... wanna come with?". i messaged another, but never got a response.

"ei, are you joining me?" "i can't. my client just invited me to thanksgiving dinner." answered the third.

the rain stopped almost as suddenly as it started. i changed to my running gear and began my warm up jog, running in the opposite direction as everyone, like i always do. i took extra measure to control my pace, remembering that it was at UPD that i injured myself the last time. i paid attention to my foot placement (i should land on my mid foot. that my shin should be at least perpendicular to the ground. my heel shouldn't strike the pavement so much); my breathing (pacing was the key. i shouldn't hyperventilate and remember to take deep full breaths to stretch my intercostals to keep them from spasming); my running form (don't slouch. don't lean too far back either. i am an inverted pendulum. running should be automatic and effortless).

i tried to concentrate on the road, on the runners, on studying the technique of other joggers as they came, and as they went. i tried to soak in all this information, hoping that by overloading my brain, i can be made cerebral again, when my mind is at its strongest, and when my emotions are rendered insignificant.

running does this for me, i have learned. it makes "feeling" loneliness far more bearable.

mornings

ugh. mornings.

worse, mornings after a long night and not getting much sleep. you wake up to a dark room, too dark for it to be day yet but basing on the cacophony outside, you know that you having woken up earlier than expected is just wishful thinking. you lay there for a moment, lingering a bit longer, waiting for something to happen, anything, to maybe give you that JOLT to make you pry yourself off your bed, your body snugly nestled under its pile of blankets and pillows. you hear yourself breathing, the turbulent roaring in your ear. your mind then goes on a conversation with itself, well, mine does anyway. it ponders, whether to be victorious to the first challenge in the day, the battle against inertia.

the ticking of the clock against the quiet of the room becomes irritatingly apparent. a quick glance at it only shows that i have been immobile far longer than i usually should. your mind gives off a sigh. your muscles tense up. you take a deep, expanding breath and grab the surrounding air. inertia overcome. you release a steady groan, the reign of stillness comes to a violent end.

the day awaits.

the month of X

since coming out, i think i have had three "almost" relationships, all of which obviously did not materialize for one reason or another; too young; too much in love; too self-centered; too many issues; may girlfriend... yada yada. my foray into the dating scene was my willful attempt into testing the waters of this identity that i am embracing. i thought to myself then, this is what i needed to be complete (very CENTRUM, indeed), to have a relationship and share love and be loved back. but interesting enough, and though i have to admit it was fun to have someone during those moments wherein we would connect, though my heart went pitter-patter with kilig, my brain on the other hand, was not all too amused.

it was my brain, in the end, that stepped on the brakes for all three of them. well, technically, just two since the last one... well... basta na.

so why am i babbling about all of this by chance. i really don't know. maybe it had something to do with the fact that i am now communicating with all three of them again, all contact re-established within a span of just two weeks. fate has a weird way of moving things for me.

i wonder where im headed off to now?

the good of "ondoy"

I called up my cousin after learning that he was finally home. He had been stranded in Cainta, on the second floor of his friend’s house for three days due to the floods that has wrecked so much havoc to the city and its neighboring provinces. As I spoke to him and asked the usual questions (How are you? How did things go? Were you safe all the time? How was the damage?), his voice, jolly person that he usually is, slowly took a more serious tone. He kept mentioning how bad it was, how bad he felt, how mad he was that all of this had to happen. He was frustrated for the damage, for all the loss, for all the destruction. Then he mentioned he got angry with God, but immediately felt sorry that he did, but still… why did He allow such to happen?

* * * * *

I got up early that Sunday morning, despite spending the night before wondering what tomorrow would bring. I guess it was due to all the physical and emotional fatigue I had that fateful Saturday when I witnessed the entire city slowly sink under an unforgiving sea of mud and rain. I fell asleep effortlessly, deep and dreamless. Waking up to the morning sun the next day felt unusually eerie, even out of place to a degree as if i wasn't expecting it to be there. The air was still heavy with moisture, saturated I presume from all the rain that we have had the past 12 hours, notably, as much rain as what we would get for an entire month. My uncle and aunt busied themselves with their usual morning routine. They had just come back from a quick drive around Quezon City to scope out the damage. Basing from their expression, it was no where close to what they were expecting. The drive to church was a quiet one, the silence only broken by exclamations of disbelief as we passed by buildings and homes and meter high walls washed clean by an obviously strong surge. Ironic actually, these structures are now scrubbed spotless by the raging current and yet, in the waters wake, strewn about are mounds of mud and garbage. Tires and debris hung like banderitas on roofs and fences and second floor balconies. The roads had relented to the current and the asphalt peeled off like chaffing skin. Container trucks and mud-caking cars litter the streets as if some gigantic child threw a tantrum in his playpen. People, with empty gazes and expression-less face start emerging, watching dazed as what must have been all their worldly possessions now are reduced to a worthless heap of trash.

Someone prayed out loud that morning, thanking God for the flood and the rain. Someone then prayed, praising God as our wind, our joy, our rest. Indeed, it was a strange prayer, but then I realized, after a fellow brother shed light on our circumstances, that God, in His great purpose, can also use such tragedies as tools to work out His good purpose, for His good pleasure, that is, to save us all. I then recalled the life of Job, and Jonah and that also of Paul and Silas and too eventually admitted to myself, yes, truly, the Lord will work out all things for the good. I said my amen’s.

* * * * *

“why did He have to do this?” my cousin asked again. “why this?”.

“because.” I replied. “sometimes, I think, God gets tired of being ignored”.

“but don’t ever presume, that with our limited comprehension, that He has no purpose nor reason in His ways. God is righteous. Good always issues out from His works, God could even use the works of the devil to carry out His great plan. I have been following tweets these past few days and I am simply amazed as how people have mobilized, like an army, to help out all those in need. It gives me goosebumps reading about all the “good” that this tragedy had caused, a good that I doubt, we would not have seen if it were not for this tragedy. I had a discussion with a friend not too long ago about how I felt we lacked a sense of community in this country. That we practice a culture of apathy. I am glad to stand corrected however, after having witness people being so selfless these past couple of days, even to the point of sacrificing their lives for the sake of others.”

I then told him the story of muelmar magallanes and other tales of heroism and kindness from strangers.

“you are frustrated because you were caught helpless. God made you feel helpless and futile. He put you in your place in the great scheme of things and you did not like that, that’s probably why you feel like that now. But consider this, there are people out there more helpless than you. I suggest you use up all that energy you have pent up inside and do something positive with it. Volunteer. Donate. Do something. Pray even. Pray for good weather. Pray for more kindness. Praise God for His good purpose.”

for those still wishing to help, please contact the national red cross for details. you could also find the nearest donation site to deliver goods to give to those who badly need it the most.

the horizons of change

was chatting with a friend last night, touching base and trying to keep ties, something that i am rather guilty of not doing well. while in the middle of our conversation, he inquires about how i am doing currently. though i often answer such questions with an almost reflex "i'm ok... i guess", i found myself last night going into more detail. though my standard answer, i believe, does hold true to my situation as i really was ok, it however felt short of what i really felt inside.

funny. i know i talk a lot and like to share my opinion about almost everything under the sun, but when issues are turned towards me and i find myself digging deep into myself for answers, then words suddenly become scarce. i guess this is what people call "walling up". i however, would like to think that i do this gracefully and mask my discomfort by becoming more cerebral in my mood and apathetic in my tone. logic and sense, i guess, had always been an effective security blanket, even though i am sure if faced with a Vulcan, i would definitely look like an utter fool.

last night however, i found myself digging deep. rather, what had been resting deep surfaced with ease. though i never really shared so much of myself to this friend of mine before, he suddenly became the recipient of my inner overflow.

"so how are you?" he asked, that was all i needed to hear (read... since we were on YM).

i suddenly had a semi-vision. i saw myself to be like Abraham, when God brought him up to the mountains to show him his inheritance, pointing to the endless land, the stars and the sand... i felt like i too was on top of a mountain, but instead of feeling a great sense of thankfulness, i could only feel a springing sense of daunt. i said, i am now at a point in my life when i can actually look into the future and decide. it used to be rather unrealistic back when i was younger since i think i still didn't know what i want and dreading about the future was just a waste. but now, now that i am older, the future is here. i am catching up already to what fate has destined for me.

the path is clearer. the choices i have to make are beginning to be realized, and though i know i can handle a lot more now, a good part of me feels unwilling all of a sudden. ironically, despite the future now being more certain and concomitantly, less stressful, i am now finding myself struggling to be freed from it. a part of me thinks that i had given up so much to prepare for today and for what tomorrow brings that i have not enjoyed my life because of it. now that i am just beginning to reap the "fruits of my labor", here comes the the real test and now i don't want it. i don't want to be enslaved by it anymore.

"sacrifice" is a word i see and hear in my family very often. if ever there is one trait i inherited, it is this, to be long-bearing. but to be able to perform such feats of endurance requires as well mental fortitude and a strong will, both of which i think i have either depleted or have exhausted needlessly a long time ago.

because i DON'T want to wallow

during times like this when i feel like it would be a good thing to fall into distress and just begin doing what i do best, that is feel sorry for myself, i stop to collect my bearings and slap senses into myself again. "the world will not end... yet." "there is still hope for tomorrow." and "you will get through this a better, more experienced person" is what i try to convince myself. they're almost like a auto brainwash, a conscious effort to preoccupy and distract myself from falling into nega and just stay fine. it takes a lot of work to fight against my habit. it feel more work if you barely have any more will power left. with clicking my ruby-reds and chanting my "there's no place like home"'s, i find myself wanting to write all of a sudden, to a person i have only met once but have never spoken to before. permit me to have this random act since, trust me, this is way better than you guys hearing me wallow.

so this guy. i met him once in this gathering. never really paid him much attention since, i was too busy dividing my attention to the ppl around me. but as my focus grew more and more splintered, he opened his mouth and spoke. this was all he did that made him the object of my undivided attention. suddenly in a room full of so-sos and ho-hums, a beacon started to blink. there was really nothing special with this guy, nothing really remarkable to say the least. i however, for some reason found him curious. i found him interesting to a point that he was all i really remembered in that gathering, this considering i never spoke to him nor him with me. to this guy, thanks for breaking the monotony of that night by opening you mouth. your words, though were not directed to me, i found were too adorable to ignore. i hope, as you spend your days now, living your life in the city, that you have a great one. live a happy one. live a fulfilling one. live a life full of thanksgiving and appreciation, add to that one from a wandering bear who just chanced to have eavesdropped :)

ahh, that made me feel much better.

hmmm. makes me now find something new to do next time i attend these parties. look for that person who will make that night seem unforgettable.

mader.... u know who was the apple of my eye the last time :)

now that i am older

i think i have unconsciously started practicing being blunt. i just find myself saying exactly what i think without many of the usual embellishments i do to make what i say, hmmm, more palatable. i guess turning a year older and finally embracing how un-young i am made me finally let go of being too mindful of how ppl would react towards me. now that i am older, thinking about whether people will or will not like me doesnt feel too important anymore. i would like to think i have already gotten for myself a steady pool of trusted people, all of whom know me well enough not to take offense if in case i do serve my observations cold and raw. i think of it as me doing them well by telling them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear.

then, there are also those acquaintances, practical strangers really, whom, after long scrunity, i have deduced to be those who really need the cold, hard, unpretty truth slapped onto their faces. those who seem to live in a bubble and constantly find ppl to reinforce their delusion. i know a few actually. i really should stop patronizing them. i think it's even more mean to feed their warped sense of reality than to just be honest, even if it means you have to be harsh.

case in point. i got a SMS from a guy i haven't spoken to in a long while. so long, i actually deleted his number from my phone already, TWICE. once, since he just became dormant. the second time because i found him too narcissistic after he pried his way back into my life. anyway, "boy out of the blue" started asking about a friend, apparently his all-time, long-time crush. since he saw us together in a picture and he still had my number (DRAT!), he decided it was the perfect time to be friends with me again and touch base.

at first i wasn't too concerned with how he was babbling on how much he was in to my friend (despite them NEVER having met before). i even prodded him to take his chances and ask him out. he then asked for his mobile. that was when my senses kicked in.

"wait one darn pick'n minute!!!! why the hell should i give his number to you? i don't even know you that well. HECK! i don't even like you that much! i deleted you number TWICE for goodness sakes!" was what i thought to myself.

he continued on prodding me for info. the guy was starting to annoy me. it was that rekindled irritation that made me remember why i didn't like him so much. this was the guy who would call me at 3-freak'n-am while i'm fast asleep, only to ask me if i was asleep!!!! and get this.... after i would answer him a dull "YES" in my sleepiest of tones, he would STILL carry on chatting about whatever nonesense that happened to him in the day, in the province, about his dog, or whatever topic i could really care less about. it got so bad, he was the first person i said, and in as rude of a tone as i could muster at 3am "boy. you woke me up at 3am for this? i'm going back to sleep!" then i hung up. needless to say, he never called me back, much to my utter delight.

honestly though, i sometimes wonder, why did i ever feel consciencious about dealing with people like him. now that im being bluntly honest, i think i have to start learning to be harsh with myself as well. for now though, i had to create a profile in this networking site to snoop him out, just so i can give accurate info to my friend in case he becomes now the object of his inconsiderate attention.

decisions

i was sprawled on my bed this afternoon, half asleep, half awake, half decided whether or not i would take the afternoon off, since i thought it would do me some good, and get a massage. i decided to go.

the drive to the spa was more than the usual today, probably due to the unusual weather, probably due to the unusual day i had. i could not help but notice how the rain poured and waned as i traveled the moderate distance. i could not help but think and rethink of the day's activities as well and the many thoughts i have been having these past few days. but i also thought i should give myself some reprieve, there will be time for this later. i decided to stop.

reaching the spa and changing out of my clothes, i went into the steam room and immediately caught his attention. i also immediately sensed him out. you learn to do this after a while i reckon, besides, he wasn't really being subtle. i sat across him and him, across me. i toyed with the thought of what could happen as he sat there and did his business, whether or not he was mindful that i could see him despite the thick steam, i do not know. i was tired and my fatigue took its toll as i could feel myself slowly slipping away. but just as i was about to fall away, i decided to catch myself.

i watched his shadow on the room wall as he labored hard in kneading the knots out of my back. i had expected this already but could not do anything to help him but remain relaxed and quiet. in my stillness, in my efforts to cooperate, my mind began to wander again, to the thoughts of the morning, to thoughts of my many yesterdays and the duties of tomorrow. he caught a nodule on my back and pressed it, causing me to spasm all of a sudden, breaking me from my reverie. it took me only a while to relax again, for my body to loosen and relent to the beating i was submitting myself to. i decided to stay in the present.

MPS

my neck is so stiff, it fells like any moment now, something's gonna give and my neck would snap in two! OUCH. this should be normal now for me, now that i'm stuck at a desk job. tight neck and upper back muscles hardened with knots and whatnot's are now my daily companions. even if i move around and stretch them often, they never seem to go away and leave me alone. the moment i'd sit back on my chair, they spasm immediately back, leaving me feeling like im wearing a concrete hoodie. i pity the masseuse that gets to work on me as i could feel them struggle to break up every nodule they find. i actually find myself apologizing to them since, i am sure they have never handled kneading anyone whose back is as bad as mine and i just hate making people suffer. (wag re-REACT!)

i sometimes envy my friends who look so relaxed when the get massaged. it seems all that effleurage really helped and while they would get up feeling all refreshed and rejuvinated, here i am wondering when all that release i am supposed to feel would kick in. exercise is supposed to help alleviate tightness since it promotes blood circulation, however based on the subtle complaints (masquerading as comments) my masseuse would make, it seems to be doing quite the opposite.

standard ice-breaking conversations they would make me upon first having a feel of my back would go something like this:

masseuse: "sir, ang tigas naman ng likod nyo. bukol bukol. lagi siguro kayong nag-gi-gym noh?"

me: "hehehehe. medyo. pangpatangal lang ng suya sa trabaho."

"ah. ganoon ho ba? e, ilang beses naman ho kayo pumupunta ng gym?"

"um.... (hestitates a bit) er.... 6 times a week?"

"HO??!"

and with that answer, my masseuse knew his fate was sealed. obviously, i had a lot of suya to deal with. good thing i chose to neglect to inform him that i run marathons and kickbox as well. he just might bring a jackhammer next time i come to visit.

today

i greeted mader superior this morning after realizing how long it has been since we last communicated.

this week has been quite harrowing to say the least. four of the six secretaries at work decided to take three days off and fly out to boracay leaving the office severely undermanned. in no time at all, i found my already toxic days grow exponentially from bad to worse faster than you can say "holy F#*@!". it was like being caught in an avalanche of stress. adding to auditing, i found myself taking customer calls, running orders into the warehouse and attending to rather irate clients. i also had to deal with my own client's calls since my interior project is now in full swing. dad's condition at home was also far from perfect and i would find myself constantly worrying about him as well. needless to say, every end of the day, i would just be barely hanging on to the fringes of my capacity. being a creature of habit serves as a disadvantage during these occassions since, despite being exhausted to the bone, i am still compelled to do my scheduled rituals such as kickbox and jog. i know it sounds crazy but believe me, it would be worse for me if i skipped these activities.

as day 4 arrived and the secretaries finally came back in, i found my overdriven system begin to decelerate. i took a long deep breath and allowed myself to resume and relish my normal pace. it was at this time that the urge to just burst out crying came about. it was more like a sudden exasperated feeling that came over me and all i could think about was just to sob. but i didn't. i certainly didn't want to be "tragic" after all.

mader superior found herself confiding in me. it stirred a discomfort within for her predicament felt too familiar. this was the story of another's defeat, and how it just sucks to be always the one who ends up loosing. i sometimes feel, fate is just ungrateful.

when idiots rule for a day

i slowly drove my car in the driveway, taking utmost care to park a foot away from my dad's car in front. my mom excitedly came to greet me. i just arrived from my lola's bearing gifts, ginataan and santol, both of mom's favorites. as she came up to my window, the first thing however that i told her was if she could unfold my side mirror. she found the request odd but unfolded it anyway. it was then that i slowly bowed my head on to the steering wheel and started to shake.

i. was. LIVID!!!

paragraph one, done. controlled and concise is how i'd put it. very characteristic of me before an emotional outburst, which i am warning you all now, this post is going to be. those of weaker and or self-righteous constitution, u can turn away. those who find entertainment in me squirming in utter hatred... read on.

the saying goes, when it rains, it pours. today, early in the morning, it rained. it rained buckets if i may use the hyperbole. it rained so hard that islands were formed and little people found themselves endangered once more. though i never thought that the saying should be taken literally, today, i found, became an exception.

my day started rather well despite the sudden downpour. our old house has definitely seen better days and as a result of years of wear, during heavy rains, i get an homage of the maria christina falls in my room as a result of a leaky roof. yes people, i sleep in a room whose floor is lined with newspaper and buckets. we have good days, like today wherein no leaking occurred, and we have bad days wherein you'd consider sleeping wearing a raincoat.

i took the dry floor as a good sign despite the gloomy weather and the incessant honking of the jeepneys outside. traffic is terrible now in my neighborhood as the geniuses that need their faces remembered come election decided to fix the roads during the most hectic time of the year. traffic then gets extra bad when it rains. i never really understood why it happens, i just chuck it to the fact that people have a strange aversion to drizzle. anyways. deciding i have to adjust to the mess i would soon find myself in, i left home extra early for work. (yes, i work saturdays.)

upon reaching the main intersection, i found out that my prediction was right. traffic was a mess. i however underestimated the gravity of the situation for it seems, not only do ppl behave strangely when in wetter conditions, they totally go MAD!!!? needless to say, though part of my neighborhood did disappear into the murky depths and caused delay in my usual 20min travel time, what really made it bad was that last night's storm tripped all the stoplights, turning them all into yellow blinking garbage. the stoplights, the only thing in my part of town that keeps us from descending into complete chaos. now, add to that a few hundred MAD commuters, jeepney drivers, street kids, pedestrians and stray dogs, and you, my dearest reader, now have an idea why it took me almost 2 hours to get to my desk in quezon city. adding more insult to injury, at blumentritt, there were a legion of EL SHADDAI buses headed out to Lord knows where.... disregarding stoplights and just charging into already slow traffic. as a result of which, TWO of them smashed into TWO separate cars in the same area. they practically barricaded the entire road. the gridlock stretched almost the entire southbound lane of a. boni avenue.

i rarely get harassed so early in the morning but after getting stuck in traffic just because you have people who cant wait for their turn and just decide to break every rule in the book, just so they can have their way... well, can you really blame me?

thankfully, work wasn't too hectic and my day went rather well. that was, until my drive home.

mader mcvie... you bear witness to my slowly rising temper.

seemingly not yet recovering from the wave of idiocy from the morning floods, the drive home showed some drivers who rightfully deserve to get themselves exiled to the moon... without a space suit. on two occasions, i almost got myself clipped. one by a truck who doesnt seem to use side mirrors, and another by a jeepney. it being a jeepney is explanation enough. carrying precious cargo, i.e., mothers ginataan and santol, i decided to keep my cool and just drive and get myself away from these people. the sooner i get home, the sooner my stress ends.

as i approached my turn, i was faced with a decision. shud i take the shorter but more jeepney route, or the longer, more pedestrian route? i decided to take the former rationalizing that i JUST might give in to the temptation if i spot a mindless buffoon. the unruliness of jeepneys is already a fact of the universe, and therefore, easier to swallow. so there i was, squeezing my car thru a mesh of waltzing jeepneys, ultimately funneling themselves into a four lane street that would end at my house ( well, its really just two lanes). i however found it strange since the traffic tonight was extra heavy. we were barely moving. so, for a second time, i found myself stuck again in a gridlock. inching my way ever so slowly to home. home.... so near yet so far. i guess this is what made it extra frustrating for me for it felt like the cosmos was keeping me away from my own home. as we inched closer, i finally found out the reason for all this mess that i was in. this now congested, four lane, bumper to bumper sea of vehicles were being rerouted into a narrow alleyway, to drive into opposing traffic, because the road was closed to make way for a kiddie party.

the baranggay.... closed a PUBLIC ROAD, a main FUCKING ROAD, just to make way for a kiddie party. no problem that the line of vehicles stretched as far back as the eye can see now. no problem that the cheesy, grappy, god-forsaken music that they are playing to entertain their handful of guests were being drowned by the honking of irate drivers not having a clue what was happening. no problem. they wanted their party. they will get their party.

i felt my brain shut down all of a sudden. it became dark in my car. i took the wheel and slowly, gently, turned it towards the detour. driving counterflow, in mad tondo traffic, with pedestrians avoiding the empty sidewalks had one of them come too close to my car, hitting my side mirror, folding it.

i got home. i got out of my car. i relayed my harrowing experience to my folks. sat down at the dinner table, saw the pata tim, got my folk and finished the shank like a hyena on crack.