my first time...

dust clouds must have erupted as my brain rummaged through old memories again, stirred about by a curious tale, a tale that sounded too familiar.

i had seen her once before, but never really paid her much attention for i was never one who minded strangers. bumping into her often, however, in the small school that we were in, made her a constant figure to my days and somehow, though we never spoke to each other before, she became less of a stranger to me and more a person i would like to know one day.

that day eventually came as classes began that semester. we were transferred to a new building, to a new city, to new surrounds, far away from the manila campus we had so accustomed ourselves to. you could tell we all tried to steady ourselves at first, acclimate in a way to having been uprooted and set onto new soil. our pasts felt insignificant and we were all given a fresh start. beginnings always present us with opportunities i guess, for indeed, in no time at all and by some way i can no longer recall, i found myself engaged in a conversation with this girl; the stranger-lady who walked through the corridors of my old school; whose face i see reading a book in our library; whose chuckling i hear when she gossips with her friends. this lady was no longer a stranger to me, for now i know her name, and it was "beautiful".

it did not take me long to become close to her. it was not that difficult to be her friend. she carried herself with certain simplicity, an endearing countenance that made her rather charming, if i may be allowed to use the word to describe a woman. she was kind woman, a meek woman, gentle and very soft spoken. she was a trusting woman, a caring woman and delicate in every way. it was no surprise really why people are drawn to her, why i was drawn to her, for how really can one help it when in the presence of such goodness? goodness, if there would be a word that i can sum her up with. goodness, the kind that makes you smile with a heart filled with content.

things felt simple when i was around her. she offered me a sense of clarity that i have never experienced with anyone before, a feeling of being uncomplicated, something that i have to admit, i am not really used to but gladly was, because of her, ready to explore. my sense of well being, and the issues thereof, was what i offered to her in return. i made myself a constant and reliable companion to her, ready and available whenever she would need me. it was the least i could do, i thought. it was the least i could do for the person, i didn't know it yet at that time, who i was steadily falling for.

today

i greeted mader superior this morning after realizing how long it has been since we last communicated.

this week has been quite harrowing to say the least. four of the six secretaries at work decided to take three days off and fly out to boracay leaving the office severely undermanned. in no time at all, i found my already toxic days grow exponentially from bad to worse faster than you can say "holy F#*@!". it was like being caught in an avalanche of stress. adding to auditing, i found myself taking customer calls, running orders into the warehouse and attending to rather irate clients. i also had to deal with my own client's calls since my interior project is now in full swing. dad's condition at home was also far from perfect and i would find myself constantly worrying about him as well. needless to say, every end of the day, i would just be barely hanging on to the fringes of my capacity. being a creature of habit serves as a disadvantage during these occassions since, despite being exhausted to the bone, i am still compelled to do my scheduled rituals such as kickbox and jog. i know it sounds crazy but believe me, it would be worse for me if i skipped these activities.

as day 4 arrived and the secretaries finally came back in, i found my overdriven system begin to decelerate. i took a long deep breath and allowed myself to resume and relish my normal pace. it was at this time that the urge to just burst out crying came about. it was more like a sudden exasperated feeling that came over me and all i could think about was just to sob. but i didn't. i certainly didn't want to be "tragic" after all.

mader superior found herself confiding in me. it stirred a discomfort within for her predicament felt too familiar. this was the story of another's defeat, and how it just sucks to be always the one who ends up loosing. i sometimes feel, fate is just ungrateful.

godzilla rising

it would have been most easy to simply give in, but on this rare occasion, i decided to choose the other. i really should be tired by now of staying defeated, for how long has it been since i felt genuinely happy and carefree? hmmm, too long actually. but my choice was still not towards my happiness, but rather, to my half way mark, a place i also know rather well. though not as dark as when i simmer in grim emotions, it is still not the bestest of places to be, but hey, it's a start. my emotional limbo.

kuya told me the other night that despite what i say, i find genuine worth when i wallow in tragedy. apparently, i am most myself when i am miserable. i am stronger when in pain and in anguish, more so, than when i am fine and dandy. though this time he said it was technically NOT WRONG (but still NOT RIGHT) since it was just being true to who i was, i still cannot allow myself to linger too long for my true state is very inefficient, unproductive and ineffective. hmmm, so it's ok to be myself just so i can be helpful, is i guess what he was trying to say. pardons, my state of indifference makes it hard to think since, i guess, my clarity of thought is also emotionally driven.

what he said came to me as a shock, but deep down, i could not help it but agree to what he said, even if in the surface, every fiber of my being went on revolt for how could i be so? he labeled me once already before as being "tragic", and for him to repeat himself, knowing the fact that kuya's eye for detail is as sharp as mine, i had no other option but remain silent and hold myself still, my ego convulsing, gagging on such an expose on my great weakness.

it should be enough to say that i draw strength from drama. that though i may look like a stressed-out haggard mess drowning in exclamatories about how much woe i am in, that i am still coherent, in tune, and present when under the intoxication of my emotional flares. i would like to think that when i am in those states, that i am simply shedding off the red tape in my brain and going direct to the point, the incessant ranting is only an unfortunate by product. there is some freedom experienced in my outbursts. an emancipation, i guess, from the repression i have been used to performing on a daily basis. though it may be abrasive, offensive, and down right nasty sometimes, i would like to think that that would be a price i have to pay if i needed to be really honest.

they say i am like this because i'm an ahr-teest! but i really don't associate myself with that label. i think it would be more accurate to say that i was just able to find a vent for my pent up frustrations. a vent that has proven rather effective with me. a vent that is soooo what i am not used to. after years of holding back, you really would have to expect the built up pressure pushing to get out. though i suffer cracks now to my person, i sincerely cannot help it anymore.

i originally wrote this entry, apologetic and to a degree, remorseful to what i am becoming, an uncheerful angry person. my mom said once that i had become a different man, no longer the sanguine person i used to be. i used to see the wisdom in suffering in silence like her, i still do actually. there is a place for it still in my repetoire of dealings with the world. it is just that this, my ugly side, is now also something people would have to associate with me.

i am trying my best to manage, not to lash out so indiscriminately and irresponsibly. i still have to be part of society and no one really wants to hang around a mean person. for now though, you would have to excuse me if i take a bit more time to discover this side of me. you would have to excuse me if i tell you that i have tired myself out already of showering people with bullshit.

when idiots rule for a day

i slowly drove my car in the driveway, taking utmost care to park a foot away from my dad's car in front. my mom excitedly came to greet me. i just arrived from my lola's bearing gifts, ginataan and santol, both of mom's favorites. as she came up to my window, the first thing however that i told her was if she could unfold my side mirror. she found the request odd but unfolded it anyway. it was then that i slowly bowed my head on to the steering wheel and started to shake.

i. was. LIVID!!!

paragraph one, done. controlled and concise is how i'd put it. very characteristic of me before an emotional outburst, which i am warning you all now, this post is going to be. those of weaker and or self-righteous constitution, u can turn away. those who find entertainment in me squirming in utter hatred... read on.

the saying goes, when it rains, it pours. today, early in the morning, it rained. it rained buckets if i may use the hyperbole. it rained so hard that islands were formed and little people found themselves endangered once more. though i never thought that the saying should be taken literally, today, i found, became an exception.

my day started rather well despite the sudden downpour. our old house has definitely seen better days and as a result of years of wear, during heavy rains, i get an homage of the maria christina falls in my room as a result of a leaky roof. yes people, i sleep in a room whose floor is lined with newspaper and buckets. we have good days, like today wherein no leaking occurred, and we have bad days wherein you'd consider sleeping wearing a raincoat.

i took the dry floor as a good sign despite the gloomy weather and the incessant honking of the jeepneys outside. traffic is terrible now in my neighborhood as the geniuses that need their faces remembered come election decided to fix the roads during the most hectic time of the year. traffic then gets extra bad when it rains. i never really understood why it happens, i just chuck it to the fact that people have a strange aversion to drizzle. anyways. deciding i have to adjust to the mess i would soon find myself in, i left home extra early for work. (yes, i work saturdays.)

upon reaching the main intersection, i found out that my prediction was right. traffic was a mess. i however underestimated the gravity of the situation for it seems, not only do ppl behave strangely when in wetter conditions, they totally go MAD!!!? needless to say, though part of my neighborhood did disappear into the murky depths and caused delay in my usual 20min travel time, what really made it bad was that last night's storm tripped all the stoplights, turning them all into yellow blinking garbage. the stoplights, the only thing in my part of town that keeps us from descending into complete chaos. now, add to that a few hundred MAD commuters, jeepney drivers, street kids, pedestrians and stray dogs, and you, my dearest reader, now have an idea why it took me almost 2 hours to get to my desk in quezon city. adding more insult to injury, at blumentritt, there were a legion of EL SHADDAI buses headed out to Lord knows where.... disregarding stoplights and just charging into already slow traffic. as a result of which, TWO of them smashed into TWO separate cars in the same area. they practically barricaded the entire road. the gridlock stretched almost the entire southbound lane of a. boni avenue.

i rarely get harassed so early in the morning but after getting stuck in traffic just because you have people who cant wait for their turn and just decide to break every rule in the book, just so they can have their way... well, can you really blame me?

thankfully, work wasn't too hectic and my day went rather well. that was, until my drive home.

mader mcvie... you bear witness to my slowly rising temper.

seemingly not yet recovering from the wave of idiocy from the morning floods, the drive home showed some drivers who rightfully deserve to get themselves exiled to the moon... without a space suit. on two occasions, i almost got myself clipped. one by a truck who doesnt seem to use side mirrors, and another by a jeepney. it being a jeepney is explanation enough. carrying precious cargo, i.e., mothers ginataan and santol, i decided to keep my cool and just drive and get myself away from these people. the sooner i get home, the sooner my stress ends.

as i approached my turn, i was faced with a decision. shud i take the shorter but more jeepney route, or the longer, more pedestrian route? i decided to take the former rationalizing that i JUST might give in to the temptation if i spot a mindless buffoon. the unruliness of jeepneys is already a fact of the universe, and therefore, easier to swallow. so there i was, squeezing my car thru a mesh of waltzing jeepneys, ultimately funneling themselves into a four lane street that would end at my house ( well, its really just two lanes). i however found it strange since the traffic tonight was extra heavy. we were barely moving. so, for a second time, i found myself stuck again in a gridlock. inching my way ever so slowly to home. home.... so near yet so far. i guess this is what made it extra frustrating for me for it felt like the cosmos was keeping me away from my own home. as we inched closer, i finally found out the reason for all this mess that i was in. this now congested, four lane, bumper to bumper sea of vehicles were being rerouted into a narrow alleyway, to drive into opposing traffic, because the road was closed to make way for a kiddie party.

the baranggay.... closed a PUBLIC ROAD, a main FUCKING ROAD, just to make way for a kiddie party. no problem that the line of vehicles stretched as far back as the eye can see now. no problem that the cheesy, grappy, god-forsaken music that they are playing to entertain their handful of guests were being drowned by the honking of irate drivers not having a clue what was happening. no problem. they wanted their party. they will get their party.

i felt my brain shut down all of a sudden. it became dark in my car. i took the wheel and slowly, gently, turned it towards the detour. driving counterflow, in mad tondo traffic, with pedestrians avoiding the empty sidewalks had one of them come too close to my car, hitting my side mirror, folding it.

i got home. i got out of my car. i relayed my harrowing experience to my folks. sat down at the dinner table, saw the pata tim, got my folk and finished the shank like a hyena on crack.

apologies for my looseness

it rolled effortlessly off my tongue, rather, i typed it effortlessly and pressed send, without giving it a second thought. it was a smooth transition from idea to execution yet the moment the deed was done, my gut went on an upheaval. i was too late to stop it and simply sat and watched the ripples of my actions come into effect.

yan ang sakit ng taong gusto makisawsaw sa buhay ng iba.

feigning concern was i? what was my motive? what was i hoping to achieve with that aimless statement?

my splintered psyche stayed apart, assessing the damage of my blunder. not really too much, to be honest. i certainly have done much worse before, yet it was still damage nonetheless. there was one shaking his head, another rolling her eyes, another frozen in panic and slowly having the sensation of shame overwhelm her.

haaaay naku. ayan kasi. ayaw pa kasing dumistansya. ayaw pa kasing umiwas. ang daming pwedeng pagkaabalahan, yan pa ang pinipili. wala namang ikabubuti. wala namang mapapala.

fine. etching this lesson onto stone... again, company to the countless other lessons my stupidity, tactlessness and lack of self restraint had led me to experience.

what a fine specimen of character i'm turning out to be.

the finish.

it was supposed to be a simple dinner. a simple get together of friends over a shared meal. a simple giving-in to indulgences, like ebi tempura, and tofu and cake. a simple occasion to unwind and enjoy each other's company.

i found myself ruminating over the last few hours of my day today while my mind was half distracted from driving and avoiding the cavernous pot holes that plague a. bonifacio avenue. there was an unusual feeling that shrouded over me. it rested heavy on my chest and made it difficult for me to breath. it was the dawning of a clear and present reality. it was the surrendering of what little hope i still had left and suffering the loss of having finally nothing. i then began to feel myself slowly detaching, my emulsified soul now splintering into its members.

i am not part of that anymore, was what i realized.

i was forced out of it, to a degree.

it has been a slow process and i never really realized it, until today. until tonight.

so there i was, a witness to my own destruction. i was a spectator to it all. only a spectator. and though i so wanted to be a part of it all again, i knew in my being that now that i am here, that would never be. there is no point to go back anymore. there is no going back anymore. a gaping chasm now stands in between.

staple gun wishes

God loves us and therefore, despite His undeniable superiority, He doesn't judge us of our flaws. not yet, that is. i however, have not yet reached that point in my life wherein the life and love of God residing in me have fully permeated my entire being. that said, i therefore still fall short in a lot of things godly, my judgmental nature is one case in point.

allow me to then exercise and take another step farther from the unapproachable light.

i was having lunch with my brother at mamou this afternoon. we had been running around the metro handling errands and as a treat for being unceremoniously thrust into the work week so early, we (rather, kuya) gave in to the urge of having steak, something really worth looking forward to when at mamou's. anyway, while dining, this group of ladies came in and sat at the table next to us. nothing really unusual with that except for the fact that one of them was more lively than normal. from the moment she passed thru the door threshold, i swear, her mouth just went at it like it was a machine gun gone berserk! suddenly, the resto became flooded with "OH MY GOD!!"'s and "DID YOU KNOW"'s and probably all the exclamatory expressions in the english language. i really don't mind such high energy, but this woman (and i only address that she is of the female gender for no decent lady would ever behave like how she did) was something else!

kuya said this was the very definition of "yapping" for truly, she just kept talking and talking and talking and talking, and very loudly at that. she was so loud, i could barely hear myself think. the place was already bustling with ppl and was ringing with the sounds of the busy lunch hour but despite this, you could still hear her voice, and quite distinctly even. her sharp shrilling tone just could not be drowned by the combined clangings of utensils and the chattering of other diners. she was SO noisy, i was beginning to feel that she was already violently intruding into my personal space... and i was a a good few feet away from her! whenever she would give her opinion, or offer a suggestion, or share gossip with her girls, it was as if she was shoving her words down my throat. i told kuya she reminded me of dona victorina, the character in noli me tangere, a loud socialite oozing with vain glory.

it was a valiant fight but eventually, with her incessant chattering, she won. i lost my interest in my food and mamou's magic fell and tasted flat.

i hate that woman. i swear. driving back home, she was all i could think about. i hope she chokes on a t-bone STEAK!!!