9.9.2011

it is with this glimmer that i lay my little faith, this sliver of light in what has been many years of walking in fog and thick mist, unable to see, feel and touch the world around me, only hear the many voices and noises that surround me, following their direction, hoping that the ones i do heed are leading me the right way. i have walked in fear and in uncertainty all my life, even if i tried my best to hide it, even if i tried to show that i knew what i was doing, even if in truth, i was not... but you knew this, indeed, you knew this all along. nothing is hidden from you and my heart, my arrogant mind, and my falsely capable self was exposed. i was stripped of my strength and you allowed this to happen, only because you purposed it that it should be so, because it had to be. i fought you. i struggled against you but you were stronger. you were also steadfast and strict. you remained with me all this time, unwavering, unchanging, unrelenting, ever patient, ever sure, waiting until i had nothing more to offer and throw, waiting till i could surrender and see myself for what i am, what i have become... nothing. i was nothing. in my intelligence, this i could admit. i amounted to nothing. all that i am was nothing. all that i have been doing, that meant nothing as well. until i could realize this in my head and in my heart, you did not leave me, and now that i have seen this much of this universal truth did you open a way, this glimmer of hope, this light to my path, to lead me to something. you led me to see you for what you really are, not as my oppressor, but as my savior, for you have saved me from my just fate; my redeemer, for you had purchased me with the highest price, your own life; my emancipator, for in your death, you have unshackled me from all those that have bound me; my lord, for i am no longer of my own.

my praises are but a humble sacrifice to you. thank you. thank you. thirty-two years, you have been faithful. thank you for never leaving my side.

i love you, lord.

through the storm

i cannot say that i have lived a long and full life yet, though on many instances, i may certainly feel like that. so on the often occasions when trials come my way, i sometimes have to remind myself not to groan or complain or murmur that i feel so oppressed, for certainly, someone as young, as immature, as fresh as i, cannot compare to those who indeed can claim that they have lived and have gone through many (unpleasant) things, but yet, have surpassed them all and have come out alive, quiet, seasoned, perfected and content.

recently, i was dealt a heavy blow, so heavy that i was rocked to my core. it challenged all that i had believed in, but more so, it exposed me of my delusion, something that i was the most thankful for.

i had always thought that i had well exercised faithfulness in my short, and rather different existence. but as i was dealt that blow and my faith was indeed tested, i learned, rather bitterly, that i had actually none but what i had thought was faith was actually just a convenient surrendering to the situation. though outwardly they looked the same, one was supported by an omnipotent God, while the other was a hollow act by an arrogant man. there was no power in my seemingly righteous act, neither was there anything righteous about it, and i was exposed.

it was a most horrible and frightening feeling, so much so that i still feel it now, the agony of it all. but despite the pain, despite the suffering, i also can say i was not left with nothing, though everything i knew and held dear was taken away. in my destitute, God finally became real, which i guess was the real reason for all of this, and clinging on to Him became the true exercise of faith. everything needed to be taken away, because God was to give me something greater, so great that it needed maximum room, room i did not have because i had cluttered myself with insignificant things.

john nelson darby said it well, "oh the joy of having nothing, and being nothing, and seeing nothing, but a living Christ in glory..."

i will not say that i do not pine for the things i treasured before, for the concepts, the self-righteousness, the might i had in me to overcome with my own strength. old flavors and old appetites take time to change, but time i do have, that and the wonderful experiences of having everything i need when i give up everything i want.

o what mercy.

o what glorious, all-sufficient grace.

fatigue

there is no fight in me anymore
as i push against this surmountable wall,
against its brittle bricks and crumbling stone,
relenting to the pressure
i exert on its weary masonry.

the killing blow

i wish i had a fragment of abraham's faith right now.

for no angel came to my beloved's rescue,

no one hindered me from making the final, cutting blow.

i wish i had a fragment of abraham's faith right now... but maybe a bit more

for abraham will never know the killing feeling i will forever know.

on a lighter note...

the sparkle in your eyes
                     said it all.
words, suddenly,
lost all their meaning.
          dumbfounded.
mute.       scrambling, lost.
but words were not necessary,
that day.                 only sight
                                           and seeing.

emotions                              and feeling
a little of touch
                      a little of smell
                                           a dash of hearing

just a little

else everything in my overflowing
heart
                       spills all over the unworthy floor.

happy ninth.

walang kwentang review

and so i finally, FINALLY happens. i had been wondering why it hasnt set in yet, maybe, by some great luck, i had skipped that phase... only to collide with it head-on a few moments later.
of course im still talking about school and the blasted review class im taking for my exams. three weeks down and just when i thought i had finally found my rhythm, i wake up monday morning and found myself not being able to recall ANYTHING from the past two weeks. not only could i not recall anything, but the drive i had been banking on to push me till the end was all of a sudden, absent. the surging spring that was once gushing up within me was dry. all i was left with was my naked self, vacant, clueless and to a certain degree, stupefied. i was like "WTF happened?!" i got to work still feeling rather blank, and when i got to class later hat evening and saw my classmate buried till their noses in their notes, i started to get REALLY worried. there's something wrong.... i can FEEEEELLLLL IT!!!!

a few moments later, in comes the lecturer. her credentials say she topped the exams during her time, which wasnt that long ago. i even think i recall reading she graduated with honors in the country's top university.... whatever they may be, however colorful her academic resume may sound.... i really cant see any of it in her way of lecturing. even more depressing, when she teaches, i feel i get stupider by the minute. i cant seem to even think about the subject while listening to her. now, to add more insult to her slow torture, she decides to give a surprise quiz. needless to say, i failed miserably. blank brain, blank paper. if this happened when i was still in school, i would have never been able to live with myself... but now in review class, while i supposed to be surrounded by the freshest products of the best universities in the metro, while im supposed to be inspired by all this youth and the prospects of a thriving design industry.... i instead am finding myself dejected and, well, drained.

fear is slowly setting in. to think that i had survived what was supposed to be the THIRD most difficult exams given in the country (we had a national passing rate of 21%), i am slowly finding that i am getting more anxious with this one instead.

lord... help me.

writing the exams

i'm finally talking to my classmates, though i still dont know their names.

yesterday was my first taste of the design class wherein we are giving a client profile and a set of requirements to fulfill. we are then given 9 hours to complete everything. i am happy to say i survived day 1 though i think i will have deductions for the quality of my work. even if it has been the suggestion of previous lecturers that it is more important to finish everything, rather than submit a few exemplary work, it really wouldnt have mattered since my brain was spitting garbage anyways. we were supposed to color our drawings and all i could do was wash the entire piece in a sea of beige. it was sooooooo mediocre it hurt. i found myself questioning, how in the WORLD can i call myself a designer if i design like this.

i couldnt help looking around at other peoples work and i found myself get more dejected. 4 years of actual practice hasnt shown in my work. i truth, it looked like i lived in a design hole for all that time, a practical death sentence to any designer since trends get churned out every millisecond! whats the latest craze today may be the dying fad tomorrow... and i certainly felt nothing CRAZE-worthy with my output.

of course i try to pacify myself. a full-time day job in the auto-spare parts biz, sideline interior design work, articles, family, lovelife, and miscellaneous errands, coupled with studying for the exams, isnt the easiest thing to do.... then again, i am just pacifying myself and i think my ego need none more.

i honestly dont know why the exams are this important. i just know they are. i just know i have to take it. of course my profession or my person doesnt depend on it. i had already learned that from taking my first exam, many years before, but i guess taking the exams this time is more for ending what i had started when i decided to go into design. the exams would be the clear cut moment when i can tell myself that i am or had fully invested myself when i took this course.

from the looks of my work, i may not be the most brilliant, nor the most artistic, but that shouldnt bother me anymore. i work because i like it. taking the exams is just another project. i just hope it doesnt kill me in the end... coz i feels like it sometimes :)

pardon for the post. my brain hasnt fully recovered from yesterdays exam yet.