PUCHA!

my blog doesnt exist DAW!!!!??? lecheng google yan. actually... LECHE tong araw na to!

in the sauna

it can be rather exhausting, sitting in a room filled with strangers, trying to mind your own business, but really, honestly, all you can think about is everyone one else around you. you try your best not to fidget, not to move suspiciously nor cause any undue attention to your person since, to do so would be counter-productive, counter-productive to this game you had begun to play, to be this pretend-person, this unreal imaginary figure, who seemed to be completely detached from his present surroundings, but in truth, he is so immersed in it, it almost feels like he's drowning.

you hold your chin level, almost parallel to the wooden floor. this was your default, nonchalant position. you keep your head erect, your shoulders low, your arms loose as you do not want to look intimidating despite your bulky frame. you try to keep your form looking relaxed, even if your entire body is ready to jump at the slightest nudge. you control your breathing, almost to a maniacal degree. one breath every 2 seconds, you exhale with mouth agape. you toy with your ankle, and twist it around like drawing small circles in the air, a way to distract, you thought, to keep people's attention away from the nervousness that is beginning to show on your face, but at the same time, to draw attention to yourself, like winding back the line to the spool, the hook, you sense, is now in place.

it starts from the feet, from the tensing of the ligaments of the toes, their force marked on the thin skin that fails to hide them. it leads up to the leg, to the flushed calves and the engorged shin, now pink with blood, beads of sweat outlining the sharp bone that cuts through its length. it continues on to the muscular thighs, to thin valleys and fine troughs that score its surface like ripples of ungodly enchantment. you feel the slow crescendo of your heart, pulsing to an audible beat. it throbs in your head, on your neck, through your chest, down your gut, lower, deeper, harder, stronger. the hips then tighten. the torso reacts. you feigned a spasm and shift your position. and just like that, you cut the line and let the catch go.

good game.

reckoning

it's like sitting on a lone chair,
while sitting in a large empty room,
facing a towering dormer window,
facing east towards the harsh,
bleaching rays of the warm,
warm summer sun.

you sit there frozen,

fingers tightly gripping your seat, 

as if a wrecking ball is set off on full swing,

it's weighted momentum sent crashing towards you. 

you stare outside, not daring to blink, 

your eyes stinging, by the glare, 

by the arid room air, 

as you try to betray your innermost whims, 

for survival, for safety, 

and force yourself to see past beyond the glistening window pane, 

past the shine, 

past the lush valley that spans in between, 

towards the distance to where the unknown rest, 

ominous, evil, dangerous, painful unknown, 

hiding in the shroud of the golden rays of the warm, summer sun. 

the cold cannot protect you.
the quiet cannot save you,
and the slow crescendo of noise from you past
begin to fill your hollow head with echoes and whispers and unperceivable horrors. 
like galloping horses they approach
and your tight, tight grip forces you
not to run away.
they are coming, you see them
they are coming, you scream

and the towering window begins to fold before you

it bends and it bows, like that of a beautiful memory

large eyes blinking, slowly shutting to the brightness outside

the shadow of the light, now approaching from above

and as the light succumb to the night

as the sun becomes veiled from sight

the quiet begins to prevail again

the voices, the screaming, the wails, the clamor

begin to fade again to the hushed stillnesss

of the emptiness of the room you are in.

the temperature drops

your grip relaxes

your breathing slows

and your shoulders fall

it is over, finally. 

you had buried everything all over again.

what's love got to do with it?

kuya and i had a little chat while on the drive to his friend's wedding reception. while on the drive, i asked him about this "thing" my mom had brought up that morning, about another suitor taking interest in the girl he was showing intentions for. though i didn't really want to blow things out of proportion, i guess, the queen in me just needed some tension and drama, i nudged the idea that this means competition for my kuya, and indirectly, i was feeling the need to wage war for some reason. kuya, being the level-headed specimen that he always is, could not be bothered by my calls to arms, or he looked like he couldn't be.

as i eventually calmed down and the discussion progressed, i learned that now that both of us are older, my kuya and i are starting to think more and more alike, a fact that i greatly welcomed since i always thought my kuya to be one of the smartest people i know. when asked on the issue of love, he and i seemed to be on the same page, that is, love is not a feeling, but really a decision. we choose the people we want to be with, not just because of a feeling, but because we believe we can build a life with that person. feelings are too superficial, and do not anchor itself deep enough to create stable relationships. it sounds cold, it sounds frigid even, most especially to those who swear that romance is the way to go. true, i think romance should be present, but what if romance dies and people start pondering on the the idea that since they fell in love, that maybe they have fallen out of love? kuya said such ideas to be ridiculous. love is not passive that you just fall in and out of, love is an action and is an active word. it requires decision and commitment, and not just relying on the whims of erratic emotions.

i was quiet now, ruminating on his words, now a small smile forming on my face. it got me thinking of irog, again a slight recalibration on my part, a re-reminder as to why i am here with him in the first place, why i decided on him after just a few dates, why, even with our differences and personal unlovely details, those don't seem to matter so much since thankfully, love is a decision, and five months running, i'm still sticking to my decision.

the fraying

it was that lady crossing the street, unmindful of my car's speed and my blaring horn scolding her for jaywalking and crossing into my line of way, not even mentioning that she had her kid in tow, her child shielding her grossly rotund body in the case i decide to run her over and maybe rid this world of one more idiot, not much harm done since it seems, we have in abundance of them.

it was that cop that pulled me over while i was driving along EDSA, for violating some traffic rule stating that if one is on the U-turn lane and fails to take a turn, then pull the son-of-a-bitch over. of course he fails to notice that i would be on the right lane, if only he'd do his job and bust the maniacal manner of driving the buses take, as well as the crisscrossing motorcyclists who ride as if playing "patintero" with death. of course he threatens to fine me a ridiculous amount of money for the most minor of offenses. of course he was extorting me for snack-money.

it was the jeepney driver who would stop in the middle of the street, completely obstructing traffic, just so he could take his time to drink his bottle of water, while waiting, hoping that some passenger would decide to ride in his vehicle. never mind the incessant clamor of motorists, now piling up behind him slowly growing livid as to why he was not moving.

it was the kid who played outside our house, sprawled on our driveway, engrossed in his precursor-to-gambling game, expletives building much of his vocabulary, since his mother, equally engrossed in her game of bingo, sitting a few feet behind him, communicates with him the same way.

it was that guy who would bum across our house the entire day, smoking, drinking, playing his tapes of heavy-metal music, guns 'n roses, metallica, parokya ni edgar, every morning. he sits in front of the speakers while they bombard his probably damaged eardrums, reading the paper or maybe, eating off the floor, food provided by his elderly in-laws who day in and day out work selling fruits at divisoria.

it was seeing that picture in the papers about how so many people were rallying to oppose the Rh bill. a movement headed by many empowered and self-righteous religious groups since they believe the bill will corrupt the morals of the people. of course it's debatable what morals they are trying to protect, more so, if they really are even the right people to protect them.

it was seeing the local shows we have on TV and realizing how i miss my sesame street.

it was seeing the kind of people who run the country, a band of (in no particular order) thieves, murderers, cowards, idiots, criminals, lunatics, geriatrics, celebrities, cronies.

it was hearing and reading about the 50 Japanese workers who decided to stay behind. 

i told my mom, while on the drive home from lunch, after pondering all of these things.... that i do not want to grow old fighting to survive these things, that it's time we begin to considering leaving now. she, after being so resistant all these years, for the first time, agreed.

jenga

a soup of words, 

is as best as how i

could describe them. 

semi-formed poems,

thoughts, feelings, all 

swimming in my head,

bumping, waiting, waiting

for the right sentences

to form, as if the words 

try to set themselves onto

these pre-formed molds, 

a kind of fixed measure 

for what my brain sees as 

perfect and beautiful. 

sentences merging together

to make paragraph blocks, 

an architecture of words,

building, forming shapes,

forms, buildings, structures

that inspire, intrigue and awe,

spires, towers, and cathedrals 

that aspire to reach heaven.

one on top of the other

they pile, stacking till ever 

so high, so high until i have

none more to say,

none more to write, 

think or do.

my stores are depleted, 

my ideas all 

exhausted

either that or 

when my thoughts

fail me and everything

 just comes

crashing 

                  down.

hiatus is OBER!

the past month and three quarters had been toxic to say the least. so toxic that my body had no other recourse but to bog down and allow me to get sick, thinking that would cause me to slow down long enough for it to recoup. unfortunately for it, my brain, stubborn as it has already been defined, chose to completely ignore the fact that i was already running a fever, my innards are refusing to function what is medically normal, i was loosing sleep, eating uncontrollably, developing the worst stress-induced eczema flare-ups, and other maladies i don't even want to mention. indeed, slowing down and taking a break seemed like the only option i cannot take as i trudged on, till today, to finish everything i had gotten my eager hands on. day-job where work seems endless, freelance design duties that requires utmost vigilance, articles with deadlines to meet, family duties, boyfriend duties, friends, Romans, COUNTRYMEN!!!!!

the blog was the first to suffer. i had wanted to write for many an occasion already but just as i was supposed to hit the first letter, something more urgent came up. either it was to conserve the words in my head before i hemorrhage them all onto my two articles, or i save up on much needed energy to survive the very long day ahead, i had to give up writing and ranting on this blog for a while since, well, it was the least of my priorities at those times (sorry blog).just when things started to feel like, well, its time to end this journal of mine because life is now getting in the way, my stubborn brain again exercises its "stubbornaity" and churns out THIS post, just to end the inertia of inactivity and rantlessness.... as if the world really needs more ranting.

so what is there now to write about? besides work, that is? sex? never really on this blog, though i have to say, i have been tempted to do so many times, then decided against it. i'm not that desperate for attention. also, nothing much to write from the home front either.

wait.... sorry.... a supplier called. wait, what was i talking about again? sex? what about sex?

now i lost my train of thought. LECHE.