i never liked owing people anything, favors, more so, money. i rarely ask for them since i feel shameful whenever i do. it's as if i am ill equipped to face my situation, more so, that i am rendered impotent to help myself. i do accept help though. who wouldn't want assistance anyway, but only if it is freely offered and not asked of. maybe it's pride, but in my head, it's more me not wanting to inconvenience anyone of my troubles. more often than not, i got myself in this situation. i should, in turn, get myself out.
"when you borrow money, pay them immediately". my mom taught me that. i try to practice it whenever my memory would cooperate. then again, it fails me often as well, leaving me with a tinge of guilt when i forget to pay what i owe. in so doing, i don't borrow money anymore, and in the situations wherein i am strapped for cash, i would often find myself sacrificing (or prioritizing, as i see it) something just in order to get me by with whatever cash i still have at hand. walking home in the rain and skipping meals have not been uncommon. living within my means, was what mom calls it. (thank goodness i run marathons now and fast as well... hehehehe)
i do lend people money though, though i try not to do it regularly. despite how some people have no problems asking to be paid back, i, however do. maybe because it feels like i'm asking for a FAVOR, asking to be paid back what i'm due (crazy as it may sound). i somehow view people on the same standard as mine, wherein they too are prompt and dutiful in repaying debts and don't like the feeling of owing people anything. it also feels kind of rude, to be asked to be paid back. there seems to be no proper way of doing it without sounding like a mean landlord demanding payment for rent. this is quite unfortunate really, considering that i have the memory (ironically in this respect) of an elephant as to who owes me cash and how much they owe me. let us say, this issue has been a cause of strain for many of my social ties and having money as the cause is certainly a most sorry thing. case in example... guy from ROTC who borrowed P10 from me during one hot day, saying he will pay me back. now.... i really could have let this go, what is P10 nowadays anyways? but what i held on to was HIS WORD of paying me back. ah.... kuya told me before, money can always be earned. one's word of honor however... well, not as easy. a wise man told me once, how you treat small things, say P10, would tell you how you would treat large things as well. needless to say, i never trusted ROTC guy again. let's not even talk about other's who've mishandled BIG things.
maybe i have trust issues? could be. how else could i explain the stringent qualifications i measure people with? just one point off perfect and i tag you already. then again, am i really that strict or have people become too loose? what is so wrong about expecting people of being responsible, of being wise, of being respectful of others, of being honorable? are they really things we shouldn't aspire to anymore, we shouldn't practice? is it too much to expect of people to have these basic qualities? or are these now all defunct and that like MANY things in modern society nowadays, everything is only good if it's to one's convenience? everything can be now be changed, debated upon, reconsidered, questioned, set aside until further notice, just because their existence and the demands they impose on ours is causing us discomfort and strain.
funny where this post is leading... and to think i started this originally to rant about how it sucks to be in change of my company's payroll. i really could go on. unraveling my thoughts is fun.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
blood letting
draw it out from me,
please, for i have had
an abundance of it.
i have already had
too much of it, and
have no room for it
anymore.
it weighs itself
too heavily in me,
an over-filling and
congested member.
a fast-tightening and
overwhelmed chamber,
robbing me of breath,
it fully engorged.
(sigh)
i pray that you soon
will bleed yourself out.
released from your hold,
and freed from your clout
so that on again i can live,
cured of this infection of you,
purged of an evil, a parasite
called my love.
Monday, April 5, 2010
how to end a 42 hour fast.
1. qoola yogurt. took the tub out of the dispenser, then proceeded to pump out the original flavor, careful to catch it in a most decadent swirl. i didn't want the flavored versions since they would just add too much sugar to my first intake. tub full, off i go to the toppings bar. fresh strawberries, sliced almonds, yogurt bits and honey. weighed the damn thing and paid. the best P270 buck of my life!!! take THAT red mango!!!! (spiteful much?)
2. starters: pumpkin soup. i always loved pumpkin soup since it reminds me of baby food. think GERBER. yes, GERBER. anyway, so for dinner, i originally wanted to eat at Mr. Jones since i was badly craving for fries and all that greasy stuff american diner food is so famous for, but alas, the place was full. second option was Italiannis then, but on route, we passed by the newly relocated bizu and simply got sucked in to their bright interiors like moths to a flame. propped my hungry ass on their newly re-upholstered chairs and ordered like, well, i was ending a fast!
pumpkin puree with leeks, herbs, lots of black pepper, hold the cream. best pumpkin soup i've had. not too creamy, uber flavorful and VERY gerber-ish.
3. salad. Waldorf. was never really a fan of the waldorf since i more often order oriental salads due to the crispy vermicelli they add. i like texture in my food and the addition of just apples in your waldorf wasn't enough to make me consider it. however, what drew my curiosity to this version was the dressing, yogurt. interestingly enough, the combination of greens, the bitterness of grilled chicken slices, walnuts, tart apples, citrus oranges and the tangy yogurt dressing was divine. i would have liked the dressing to have a bit more spike to it though, maybe add a few drops of balsamic but over-all, it was utterly delish.
4. pasta. chorizo linguini with olive oil. kuya ordered this since he loves spicy chorizo. nothing special to it though. it tasted just like how chorizo, mixed with al dente linguini in olive oil should taste like.
5. main course. braised lamb shank, grilled veggies in truffle mash potatoes. the mash was super delicious. velvety and rich. the vegetables were grilled just right to release their sweetness. the lamb meat feel off the bone.... but, lacked the flavor i was expecting from lamb. it had the after-taste but surprisingly, nothing more. the meat was definitely soft but i just couldn't understand why i couldn't taste the meat. i had to drown it in the sauce just to get a bit of flavor in, actually. chose lamb over the 10-hour roasted roast beef since i wanted to cut down on the fat. was supposed to leave the mash alone as well but since i could barely get any satisfaction with the meat, i ended up finishing everything.
6. movie. clash of the titans, 3D. i didn't know i got tickets to the 3D screening. i just got seats for the time that was available. it didn't occur to me that the tickets were UNUSUALLY expensive. needless to say, it was an unwarranted P300 since i could have practically watched the movie without the 3D glasses since there was barely any 3D to it. o well.... what's done is done.
7. dessert. rainbow cathedral jello and hazel nut chocolate. i was still hungry.... so sue me.
till the next fast.
2. starters: pumpkin soup. i always loved pumpkin soup since it reminds me of baby food. think GERBER. yes, GERBER. anyway, so for dinner, i originally wanted to eat at Mr. Jones since i was badly craving for fries and all that greasy stuff american diner food is so famous for, but alas, the place was full. second option was Italiannis then, but on route, we passed by the newly relocated bizu and simply got sucked in to their bright interiors like moths to a flame. propped my hungry ass on their newly re-upholstered chairs and ordered like, well, i was ending a fast!
pumpkin puree with leeks, herbs, lots of black pepper, hold the cream. best pumpkin soup i've had. not too creamy, uber flavorful and VERY gerber-ish.
3. salad. Waldorf. was never really a fan of the waldorf since i more often order oriental salads due to the crispy vermicelli they add. i like texture in my food and the addition of just apples in your waldorf wasn't enough to make me consider it. however, what drew my curiosity to this version was the dressing, yogurt. interestingly enough, the combination of greens, the bitterness of grilled chicken slices, walnuts, tart apples, citrus oranges and the tangy yogurt dressing was divine. i would have liked the dressing to have a bit more spike to it though, maybe add a few drops of balsamic but over-all, it was utterly delish.
4. pasta. chorizo linguini with olive oil. kuya ordered this since he loves spicy chorizo. nothing special to it though. it tasted just like how chorizo, mixed with al dente linguini in olive oil should taste like.
5. main course. braised lamb shank, grilled veggies in truffle mash potatoes. the mash was super delicious. velvety and rich. the vegetables were grilled just right to release their sweetness. the lamb meat feel off the bone.... but, lacked the flavor i was expecting from lamb. it had the after-taste but surprisingly, nothing more. the meat was definitely soft but i just couldn't understand why i couldn't taste the meat. i had to drown it in the sauce just to get a bit of flavor in, actually. chose lamb over the 10-hour roasted roast beef since i wanted to cut down on the fat. was supposed to leave the mash alone as well but since i could barely get any satisfaction with the meat, i ended up finishing everything.
6. movie. clash of the titans, 3D. i didn't know i got tickets to the 3D screening. i just got seats for the time that was available. it didn't occur to me that the tickets were UNUSUALLY expensive. needless to say, it was an unwarranted P300 since i could have practically watched the movie without the 3D glasses since there was barely any 3D to it. o well.... what's done is done.
7. dessert. rainbow cathedral jello and hazel nut chocolate. i was still hungry.... so sue me.
till the next fast.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
the lesson.
why does it feel that way? whenever i share something personal, that it almost feels as if i am cutting a part of me off and offering it to others. i recall a certain scene in the movie adaptation of "the joy luck club" wherein they show an old custom of serving meat soup to an ailing parent, using one's own flesh, as an ultimate gesture of respect and honor. it feels like that, slicing a bit of my soul, maybe just so i can share something real, maybe offer a bit of my life to others, in the hopes that they can use it to help themselves.
talking about myself was painful in a way. it forces me to uncover things i would rather leave hidden, face things i would rather ignore. i never liked being hypocritical, since i detest hypocrites, so i strive to be as honest as possible. it's an exhausting process that often leaves me dazed sometimes, after-effects of emotional hemorrhaging i guess. but despite it all, i believe i do what i do because it is good. because i believe i can help. because i believe when dealing with matters that involve one's soul, you need to use the sincerity of a soul to connect with it. nothing else would do.
and in doing so, as i connected with my friends and hoped to unravel certain things, i realized something. as i was putting myself in the position of other people, trying to live their experiences and hypothetical situations, it came to me that i... i think... and i shuddered at the thought.
my eyebrow twitched. i bit my lip as my heart sank a bit. i suddenly felt like i needed to mourn. i have been wasted, in pursuit of something i willfully knew was unattainable. i ran after the wind, wishing i could catch it one day, yet knowing it will never happen. i fell in love knowing i can not go all the way.
the vanity of feelings, the real lesson.
i think i'm bad for people.
talking about myself was painful in a way. it forces me to uncover things i would rather leave hidden, face things i would rather ignore. i never liked being hypocritical, since i detest hypocrites, so i strive to be as honest as possible. it's an exhausting process that often leaves me dazed sometimes, after-effects of emotional hemorrhaging i guess. but despite it all, i believe i do what i do because it is good. because i believe i can help. because i believe when dealing with matters that involve one's soul, you need to use the sincerity of a soul to connect with it. nothing else would do.
and in doing so, as i connected with my friends and hoped to unravel certain things, i realized something. as i was putting myself in the position of other people, trying to live their experiences and hypothetical situations, it came to me that i... i think... and i shuddered at the thought.
my eyebrow twitched. i bit my lip as my heart sank a bit. i suddenly felt like i needed to mourn. i have been wasted, in pursuit of something i willfully knew was unattainable. i ran after the wind, wishing i could catch it one day, yet knowing it will never happen. i fell in love knowing i can not go all the way.
the vanity of feelings, the real lesson.
i think i'm bad for people.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
pagod
"don't talk to me." i told my mom, from under my breath, as my anger finally boiled over. she gave off a deep sigh and walked away. i tried not to look up, nor to feel guilty as i busied myself unpacking my things, trying my best not to shake. timing and subtlety were never her best traits, and most often than not, as if the universe does it on purpose, she manages to push the right buttons at the worst possible time. it used to drive my brother crazy when he was younger, back when he was just beginning to work and i was the one pacifying him. now that kuya's mellowed down, i seem to have now taken the role of "who-gets-pissed". don't get me wrong, i certainly don't HATE my mom, she just drives me crazy at times. what drives me more crazy is that there is nothing i can do about it, since she's my mom (and i love her just being how she is) and TIMING is not something you can really teach.
to cut things short, my long awaited trip-to-unwind to tagaytay was cancelled due to my mom's impeccable ways of suggestion, thus adding another to the list to what seem to be my running streak of unfavorable events. one after another they come and quite frankly, i don't know how much more i can take. i am cracking under the pressure already, which now that i think about it, seems to be the main universal objective. deconstruction.
disappointment after disappointment after disappointment... ANO BA TALAGA?? will there be an end to all of this anytime soon?? what do i need to see and learn from all of this anyway? how to handle MORE crappy events that come to my life? is this punishment for treating people badly? have i been treating anyone badly enough to deserve this? am i supposed to just take it all? i just need some validation really, that at the end, there will be something good from all of this. i really need a break, please!!!
i used to complain when i was younger, to my mother actually, how come bad people get away with a lot of things and it's the good people who suffer because of it. it just doesn't seem to be fair. what happened to justice? you try to do good, and yet, you get screwed over because of it. i know the answer in my head and i try to see the the bigger picture... but after all the shitty things that has been happening to me through the years since i first asked that question till now, i am nearing the point of no longer caring.
yes... it is slowly reaching that point already. i am tightly wound, nearing the end of my tether. dropping people. redefining relationships. reconsidering maybe, there's really nothing worth looking forward to.
to cut things short, my long awaited trip-to-unwind to tagaytay was cancelled due to my mom's impeccable ways of suggestion, thus adding another to the list to what seem to be my running streak of unfavorable events. one after another they come and quite frankly, i don't know how much more i can take. i am cracking under the pressure already, which now that i think about it, seems to be the main universal objective. deconstruction.
disappointment after disappointment after disappointment... ANO BA TALAGA?? will there be an end to all of this anytime soon?? what do i need to see and learn from all of this anyway? how to handle MORE crappy events that come to my life? is this punishment for treating people badly? have i been treating anyone badly enough to deserve this? am i supposed to just take it all? i just need some validation really, that at the end, there will be something good from all of this. i really need a break, please!!!
i used to complain when i was younger, to my mother actually, how come bad people get away with a lot of things and it's the good people who suffer because of it. it just doesn't seem to be fair. what happened to justice? you try to do good, and yet, you get screwed over because of it. i know the answer in my head and i try to see the the bigger picture... but after all the shitty things that has been happening to me through the years since i first asked that question till now, i am nearing the point of no longer caring.
yes... it is slowly reaching that point already. i am tightly wound, nearing the end of my tether. dropping people. redefining relationships. reconsidering maybe, there's really nothing worth looking forward to.
Friday, April 2, 2010
mad.
it was a dismal day that didn't turn out any better.
my family decided to visit my lola yesterday. she has been having health problems lately and we thought having family over to give her support would lighten up her spirits. it was already late in the afternoon and quite frankly, the boredom of the uneventful day had already sucked me out of all life. though i don't think i have much to offer my lola, the change of surrounds could be good for me. definitely better than laying home idle and having my mind wander to places it really shouldn't go.
while driving to lola's i suddenly got a message from someone i know. i didn't understand it at first, and i found myself reading it again and again. it was allegedly a message written by the sister of a friend, informing me that my friend just passed away and that funeral arrangements were now being made.
to say that i found myself suddenly disoriented would be an understatement. i tried to stay calm but it was already too late. my brain was already racing. i tried calling the sender but the number was busy. this can't be true... how could it be true??? i suddenly found myself shaking. i was beginning to panic. my mom was beside me and noticed the distress on my face. she asked me what was happening and i tried to lie to her, pretending nothing was wrong. i, obviously was a poor liar. even my brother got involved, asking me what was happening since my voice was beginning to break and i was starting to hyperventilate. my anxiety attack had set it and i began to feel light-headed.
the message mentioned two names, the name of my friend's sister and the name of my friend. i don't know the the sister so her identity, as far as i was concerned, was irrelevant. my friend's name tho... i only know of two people bearing that name... one of which was "him". the thoughts of him dead raced in my head. i wanted to throw up, i wanted to scream in the car. i looked up his number in my phone and despite promising to leave him in peace, i called.
i had to know. i had to know it wasn't him.
a few rings after, an unfamiliar voice answered. my heart sank and all blood drained from my body. he cleared his voice.... "jamie?"
i breathe a sigh of relief. i stumbled on my words, still trying to act calm in my attempt to explain to him what happened. my family, i knew, was also listening to our conversation.
a few clarifications later... i found out, it was a prank.
A SICK SICK PRANK.
i used a term with mcvie once to describe how wrathful one can get with utmost hate and anger, without resulting to profanities and expletives.... i called it (and i ask for the author's pardon) "to go CHRONICLES OF E on him!"
that is what i felt. i called up the sender again. he finally picked up the phone and greeted me "april fool's". i hung up on him, too mad to talk, too mad too deal, too mad to care, too mad to find ANYTHING about the death of a friend or my former love funny. too mad now to even bother saving a friendship.
kuya said it right: "anong klase ba yang kaibigan mo? walang kuwenta!"
how the fucking hell am i supposed to help cheer up my LOLA now??
my family decided to visit my lola yesterday. she has been having health problems lately and we thought having family over to give her support would lighten up her spirits. it was already late in the afternoon and quite frankly, the boredom of the uneventful day had already sucked me out of all life. though i don't think i have much to offer my lola, the change of surrounds could be good for me. definitely better than laying home idle and having my mind wander to places it really shouldn't go.
while driving to lola's i suddenly got a message from someone i know. i didn't understand it at first, and i found myself reading it again and again. it was allegedly a message written by the sister of a friend, informing me that my friend just passed away and that funeral arrangements were now being made.
to say that i found myself suddenly disoriented would be an understatement. i tried to stay calm but it was already too late. my brain was already racing. i tried calling the sender but the number was busy. this can't be true... how could it be true??? i suddenly found myself shaking. i was beginning to panic. my mom was beside me and noticed the distress on my face. she asked me what was happening and i tried to lie to her, pretending nothing was wrong. i, obviously was a poor liar. even my brother got involved, asking me what was happening since my voice was beginning to break and i was starting to hyperventilate. my anxiety attack had set it and i began to feel light-headed.
the message mentioned two names, the name of my friend's sister and the name of my friend. i don't know the the sister so her identity, as far as i was concerned, was irrelevant. my friend's name tho... i only know of two people bearing that name... one of which was "him". the thoughts of him dead raced in my head. i wanted to throw up, i wanted to scream in the car. i looked up his number in my phone and despite promising to leave him in peace, i called.
i had to know. i had to know it wasn't him.
a few rings after, an unfamiliar voice answered. my heart sank and all blood drained from my body. he cleared his voice.... "jamie?"
i breathe a sigh of relief. i stumbled on my words, still trying to act calm in my attempt to explain to him what happened. my family, i knew, was also listening to our conversation.
a few clarifications later... i found out, it was a prank.
A SICK SICK PRANK.
i used a term with mcvie once to describe how wrathful one can get with utmost hate and anger, without resulting to profanities and expletives.... i called it (and i ask for the author's pardon) "to go CHRONICLES OF E on him!"
that is what i felt. i called up the sender again. he finally picked up the phone and greeted me "april fool's". i hung up on him, too mad to talk, too mad too deal, too mad to care, too mad to find ANYTHING about the death of a friend or my former love funny. too mad now to even bother saving a friendship.
kuya said it right: "anong klase ba yang kaibigan mo? walang kuwenta!"
how the fucking hell am i supposed to help cheer up my LOLA now??
Thursday, April 1, 2010
bored
boredom is a withdrawal symptom from the stresses of modern life.
right now, i am so bored, it's fucking up my hormones. i feel tired, sluggish, and a tad bit horny. i'm also a little depressed.
i'm trying my best to stay still, to stay present, to stay within the moment. this is like when you're fasting and you begin to feel sick because your blood is now being flushed with toxins released from your bowels. i can feel that a part of me wants to break away and escape, but i'm trying to hold on to reality. face it like a grown man. i guess the sexual urges are a form of escape as well. can't seem to get the image of a guy i met last night out of my head. i know i'm not deeply interested, but right now, you can tape his face to a lamp post and i'd probably hit on him (it, whatever).
i sincerely want to dip myself in a warm pool, and have skilled hands work out all my tension (issues). the offers of something extra would hurt, though i know i am too virginal to bite. the prospects of it just possibly happening is all the adrenaline fix i need.
feeling warm now. hot maybe. images of cute waiters from chelsea, this miniaturized victor basa look-alike from high street, *ehem* and sando wearing tisoy in the pedicab who looked straight into my car as i came home last night now feeding the lust flames.
some HOLY week i'm having....
right now, i am so bored, it's fucking up my hormones. i feel tired, sluggish, and a tad bit horny. i'm also a little depressed.
i'm trying my best to stay still, to stay present, to stay within the moment. this is like when you're fasting and you begin to feel sick because your blood is now being flushed with toxins released from your bowels. i can feel that a part of me wants to break away and escape, but i'm trying to hold on to reality. face it like a grown man. i guess the sexual urges are a form of escape as well. can't seem to get the image of a guy i met last night out of my head. i know i'm not deeply interested, but right now, you can tape his face to a lamp post and i'd probably hit on him (it, whatever).
i sincerely want to dip myself in a warm pool, and have skilled hands work out all my tension (issues). the offers of something extra would hurt, though i know i am too virginal to bite. the prospects of it just possibly happening is all the adrenaline fix i need.
feeling warm now. hot maybe. images of cute waiters from chelsea, this miniaturized victor basa look-alike from high street, *ehem* and sando wearing tisoy in the pedicab who looked straight into my car as i came home last night now feeding the lust flames.
some HOLY week i'm having....
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