mornings

ugh. mornings.

worse, mornings after a long night and not getting much sleep. you wake up to a dark room, too dark for it to be day yet but basing on the cacophony outside, you know that you having woken up earlier than expected is just wishful thinking. you lay there for a moment, lingering a bit longer, waiting for something to happen, anything, to maybe give you that JOLT to make you pry yourself off your bed, your body snugly nestled under its pile of blankets and pillows. you hear yourself breathing, the turbulent roaring in your ear. your mind then goes on a conversation with itself, well, mine does anyway. it ponders, whether to be victorious to the first challenge in the day, the battle against inertia.

the ticking of the clock against the quiet of the room becomes irritatingly apparent. a quick glance at it only shows that i have been immobile far longer than i usually should. your mind gives off a sigh. your muscles tense up. you take a deep, expanding breath and grab the surrounding air. inertia overcome. you release a steady groan, the reign of stillness comes to a violent end.

the day awaits.

small things

details. they say that you will eventually find God in them. that in His vast greatness and multifariousness, it is strangely yet ever so sweetly ironic that you learn to appreciate Him in the most minute of things. the curl of a lip, the texture of a thumbnail, the cleft on a nose, the slant of the eye, the shape of a chin, the smile, the grin, the gaze, the beating silence that exists between two people screaming inside.

i have often wondered why it is that i notice these things, more so, find significance in them rather that the more overt displays that we humans are so keen to do. considering how much more effort one has to exercise to process these many minuscule accounts, surely, i would sometimes think, surely there is something more to these things than them just being mere incidentals, by-products of the lives we lead.

maybe i just like to be difficult, and add a few more layers to the abundantly complex life i already lead.

maybe i just like to be different, and do things others don't do, even if it's utterly unnecessary.

but as i spot and observe the million and one small slivers that we humans unconsciously give out amidst the gamut that is our gross actions. as i sense and feel and realize and appreciate the small things that i do see, i cannot help it but feel glad that i do, for in learning to acknowledge what people often do not pay much attention to, you learn many things people also do not know:

like how a brush of the knee can be excruciating and yet, euphoric;

like how a hug can send you to heaven and then to hell at the same time.

* * * * *

amidst a tumultuous sea of uncertainties, finding this one nugget of truth in all of it was truly worth the arduous swim.

the weekend past

two days of no internet at home can drive someone insane... and fat, that was what my theorizing brain is currently formulating. restless waiting, agitated rummaging, pacing the house, grazing, fridge opening, grazing some more, and finally, indiscriminate devouring. those were pretty much the activities of my weekend, thanks to a failed internet connection by my very reliable (and over priced) internet provider. i was already close to screaming my head off this morning to the unlucky operator who would answer my very irate call when all of the sudden, my twitter gave out a beep... darn. internet is back on i guess, and just when i was just itching to be evil this monday morning.

anyway, discoveries during the weekend. surprisingly, not until you take something away, do you realize how many more other things there is to do to pass the time. going out this weekend was out of the question for me, for reasons too personal and too emotionally laden to write about, so that's out of the picture. um..., i ran again sunday morning at the Fort. i realized it has been a week since i last ran and that i have 1 more week to go before the Timex run, so i had to train for that. i haven't read a book in a long time, so i am now starting to read this new Dan Brown novel, The Lost Symbol. i also found out that i haven't been watching TV in a long while. the shows currently on bore me to death and since we don't get the discovery channel, there doesn't seem to be anything mind stimulating enough to see. i usually end up watching CNN or if i'm lucky, catch a BBC documentary.

tried text messages as well, hoping to strike some decent conversation. however, i can't really say that endeavor was successful. besides kinky responses, nothing much proved to be worth the peso i spend. don't get me wrong, i don't mind the responses, it's only that it was not what i needed. there will be time for that eventually... er, i hope.

sigh... what a wasted weekend.

i also realized. i need to update my wardrobe. all my clothes are so ill fitting now.

the willow

the willow - study

will be inking this tonight. been working on it, on and off, for almost a week now. i needed the distraction.

this made my day

you all know russel right???!!!!

bwahahahaha!!! i LOVE IT!!!!!

thanks narnian for posting this link....

the catalyst

it started with a change of plans, rather minor if you really think about it, and very manageable. simply shift this day to that, move this schedule to there, inform some people here that you can't make the appointment anymore and inform others there that your day suddenly had a vacancy. see... minor. but no. it did not feel simple to me at all. in fact, this rather small matter left me ruined. don't let me even bother mentioning what it did to my day. blame it on the indiscriminate hatred that suddenly found itself surging up out of me, triggered by what may have seemed to be a very benign act, but then, so is pulling the pin off a grenade.

a few very heavy messages to someone vacationing in another country later and several pounds worth of sweat in the gym, i find myself so-so sane again. i was ok enough to look at the people involved in the eye and not want to have all ties with them severed. but then, that lingering feeling, those ugly residue of unresolved emotion still sends a bitter aftertaste to my tongue.

"how inconsiderate!" "how presumptuous!" i wanted to unshackle myself already of this lot, of all this and yet, i find myself tightly bound to my predicament. there felt no way to get myself out of it, which i guess added more to the frustration. i felt cornered and every intrusion to what little sacred, personal space i had left felt like a violent invasion, to be met by an equally violent counter attack.

i did this to myself, or to a lesser degree, allowed it to happen to myself for no one treats you a certain way unless you let them. all it takes then to remedy this was to train them to treat me differently. easier said than done i'm afraid. when one's obligation becomes one's sole purpose, and other people's value becomes more than one's own, how do you change without destroying what has been your entire life, more so, the lives of others?

* * * * *

an unassuming apple dropped into a still pond. the ripples it caused spreads out evenly across the silvery pool, kissing the awaiting banks. it dropped slowly through the murky depths, sinking slowly pass visions and dreams and wants and wills, pass thoughts and fears and piercing eyes and sharpened ears. pass it all until it finally found itself on the silted floor, disturbing the peace and, beholding the deafening silence within.