during times like this when i feel like it would be a good thing to fall into distress and just begin doing what i do best, that is feel sorry for myself, i stop to collect my bearings and slap senses into myself again. "the world will not end... yet." "there is still hope for tomorrow." and "you will get through this a better, more experienced person" is what i try to convince myself. they're almost like a auto brainwash, a conscious effort to preoccupy and distract myself from falling into nega and just stay fine. it takes a lot of work to fight against my habit. it feel more work if you barely have any more will power left. with clicking my ruby-reds and chanting my "there's no place like home"'s, i find myself wanting to write all of a sudden, to a person i have only met once but have never spoken to before. permit me to have this random act since, trust me, this is way better than you guys hearing me wallow.
so this guy. i met him once in this gathering. never really paid him much attention since, i was too busy dividing my attention to the ppl around me. but as my focus grew more and more splintered, he opened his mouth and spoke. this was all he did that made him the object of my undivided attention. suddenly in a room full of so-sos and ho-hums, a beacon started to blink. there was really nothing special with this guy, nothing really remarkable to say the least. i however, for some reason found him curious. i found him interesting to a point that he was all i really remembered in that gathering, this considering i never spoke to him nor him with me. to this guy, thanks for breaking the monotony of that night by opening you mouth. your words, though were not directed to me, i found were too adorable to ignore. i hope, as you spend your days now, living your life in the city, that you have a great one. live a happy one. live a fulfilling one. live a life full of thanksgiving and appreciation, add to that one from a wandering bear who just chanced to have eavesdropped :)
ahh, that made me feel much better.
hmmm. makes me now find something new to do next time i attend these parties. look for that person who will make that night seem unforgettable.
mader.... u know who was the apple of my eye the last time :)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
puttering
i think i might, just might, be feeling the tell-tale signs of a major burn out. that said, i really don't know what i can do to improve my endurance than to simple ride out the "storm".
there has been a lot troubling me these past few days, most of them about anxieties of what is to come. it frustrates me a great deal that until now, i don't seem to have things all figured out. i recall telling myself that by the time i reach 30, i'd be made. i'd know what my purpose is and i will have direction in my life. yet the big 3-0 came and went and i still feel i am no different from the time i had that thought. i still feel clueless. i still feel i have no direction. i definitely feel i have yet to be made. all of this, what i am feeling now, this is what scares me.
i would sometimes try to console myself that my time will come eventually, that all i have to be is steady. strong and steady is the secret of the game, i say. but when i am amongst my peers, some the same age, some older, some younger, i cannot help it but feel a tinge of panic... mixed with a smaller tincture of envy i guess. ask me what i do and i cannot answer you unless it's in the form of a paragraph. ask others the same question and the answer is most often short and simple: doctor, lawyer, account executive, agent, architect, engineer, vice president, president. ask me what i want to be years from now, and expect another dizzying paragraph. ask others and be prepared for another serving of skillfully executed conciseness.
(sigh)
people i recall said that time is one commodity you can never buy back, and i cannot help but feel, maybe, i had been wasteful.
there has been a lot troubling me these past few days, most of them about anxieties of what is to come. it frustrates me a great deal that until now, i don't seem to have things all figured out. i recall telling myself that by the time i reach 30, i'd be made. i'd know what my purpose is and i will have direction in my life. yet the big 3-0 came and went and i still feel i am no different from the time i had that thought. i still feel clueless. i still feel i have no direction. i definitely feel i have yet to be made. all of this, what i am feeling now, this is what scares me.
i would sometimes try to console myself that my time will come eventually, that all i have to be is steady. strong and steady is the secret of the game, i say. but when i am amongst my peers, some the same age, some older, some younger, i cannot help it but feel a tinge of panic... mixed with a smaller tincture of envy i guess. ask me what i do and i cannot answer you unless it's in the form of a paragraph. ask others the same question and the answer is most often short and simple: doctor, lawyer, account executive, agent, architect, engineer, vice president, president. ask me what i want to be years from now, and expect another dizzying paragraph. ask others and be prepared for another serving of skillfully executed conciseness.
(sigh)
people i recall said that time is one commodity you can never buy back, and i cannot help but feel, maybe, i had been wasteful.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
now that i am older
i think i have unconsciously started practicing being blunt. i just find myself saying exactly what i think without many of the usual embellishments i do to make what i say, hmmm, more palatable. i guess turning a year older and finally embracing how un-young i am made me finally let go of being too mindful of how ppl would react towards me. now that i am older, thinking about whether people will or will not like me doesnt feel too important anymore. i would like to think i have already gotten for myself a steady pool of trusted people, all of whom know me well enough not to take offense if in case i do serve my observations cold and raw. i think of it as me doing them well by telling them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear.
then, there are also those acquaintances, practical strangers really, whom, after long scrunity, i have deduced to be those who really need the cold, hard, unpretty truth slapped onto their faces. those who seem to live in a bubble and constantly find ppl to reinforce their delusion. i know a few actually. i really should stop patronizing them. i think it's even more mean to feed their warped sense of reality than to just be honest, even if it means you have to be harsh.
case in point. i got a SMS from a guy i haven't spoken to in a long while. so long, i actually deleted his number from my phone already, TWICE. once, since he just became dormant. the second time because i found him too narcissistic after he pried his way back into my life. anyway, "boy out of the blue" started asking about a friend, apparently his all-time, long-time crush. since he saw us together in a picture and he still had my number (DRAT!), he decided it was the perfect time to be friends with me again and touch base.
at first i wasn't too concerned with how he was babbling on how much he was in to my friend (despite them NEVER having met before). i even prodded him to take his chances and ask him out. he then asked for his mobile. that was when my senses kicked in.
"wait one darn pick'n minute!!!! why the hell should i give his number to you? i don't even know you that well. HECK! i don't even like you that much! i deleted you number TWICE for goodness sakes!" was what i thought to myself.
he continued on prodding me for info. the guy was starting to annoy me. it was that rekindled irritation that made me remember why i didn't like him so much. this was the guy who would call me at 3-freak'n-am while i'm fast asleep, only to ask me if i was asleep!!!! and get this.... after i would answer him a dull "YES" in my sleepiest of tones, he would STILL carry on chatting about whatever nonesense that happened to him in the day, in the province, about his dog, or whatever topic i could really care less about. it got so bad, he was the first person i said, and in as rude of a tone as i could muster at 3am "boy. you woke me up at 3am for this? i'm going back to sleep!" then i hung up. needless to say, he never called me back, much to my utter delight.
honestly though, i sometimes wonder, why did i ever feel consciencious about dealing with people like him. now that im being bluntly honest, i think i have to start learning to be harsh with myself as well. for now though, i had to create a profile in this networking site to snoop him out, just so i can give accurate info to my friend in case he becomes now the object of his inconsiderate attention.
then, there are also those acquaintances, practical strangers really, whom, after long scrunity, i have deduced to be those who really need the cold, hard, unpretty truth slapped onto their faces. those who seem to live in a bubble and constantly find ppl to reinforce their delusion. i know a few actually. i really should stop patronizing them. i think it's even more mean to feed their warped sense of reality than to just be honest, even if it means you have to be harsh.
case in point. i got a SMS from a guy i haven't spoken to in a long while. so long, i actually deleted his number from my phone already, TWICE. once, since he just became dormant. the second time because i found him too narcissistic after he pried his way back into my life. anyway, "boy out of the blue" started asking about a friend, apparently his all-time, long-time crush. since he saw us together in a picture and he still had my number (DRAT!), he decided it was the perfect time to be friends with me again and touch base.
at first i wasn't too concerned with how he was babbling on how much he was in to my friend (despite them NEVER having met before). i even prodded him to take his chances and ask him out. he then asked for his mobile. that was when my senses kicked in.
"wait one darn pick'n minute!!!! why the hell should i give his number to you? i don't even know you that well. HECK! i don't even like you that much! i deleted you number TWICE for goodness sakes!" was what i thought to myself.
he continued on prodding me for info. the guy was starting to annoy me. it was that rekindled irritation that made me remember why i didn't like him so much. this was the guy who would call me at 3-freak'n-am while i'm fast asleep, only to ask me if i was asleep!!!! and get this.... after i would answer him a dull "YES" in my sleepiest of tones, he would STILL carry on chatting about whatever nonesense that happened to him in the day, in the province, about his dog, or whatever topic i could really care less about. it got so bad, he was the first person i said, and in as rude of a tone as i could muster at 3am "boy. you woke me up at 3am for this? i'm going back to sleep!" then i hung up. needless to say, he never called me back, much to my utter delight.
honestly though, i sometimes wonder, why did i ever feel consciencious about dealing with people like him. now that im being bluntly honest, i think i have to start learning to be harsh with myself as well. for now though, i had to create a profile in this networking site to snoop him out, just so i can give accurate info to my friend in case he becomes now the object of his inconsiderate attention.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
09.09.09
i stand upon the precipice again, the spot i was last when i spoke to you. it seemed that despite how you are pneuma, the air, i still manage to ignore your undeniable presence. but i decide to do that no more. i decide to welcome you again.
30 years you have led me. 30 years you have remained faithful. you have never wavered, never faltered, never lost hope even if the greatest of men would have done so, so long ago. your love constrains me and i cannot help it but be humbled to be the recipient of such devotion. i am not worthy, but you decided otherwise. i am thankful. it is indeed true what they say, that we love you because you first loved us.
it had been a long and arduous walk since that day by the cliff edge, and i have felt so lonely. i was lonely only because i did not want you to be there to see me fail. i was a wretch undone. but you did not mind. you did not care. your all abounding love, incomprehensible by my finite capacity, was a safety net i could not escape from. even if i were to fall, even if i were to fail, you would not forsake me because you loved me so. it tears me apart that i cannot love you back the same way, but again, you do not mind. your love is all conquering, it is transcendent. it is all sufficient, never lacking, never wanting.
why was it that of the billions in the world, that you would have chosen to be stubborn with me. i, who chose against you many times, who had fallen from grace, who had walked away from your light, who had turned his back from your call, who had quenched the spirit, who had grieved you so? you remained still by my side, your person faint but still palpable. you kept your distance from me, never imposing but always ready to approach the moment i would call.
this is my strange relationship with you. an external, outward connection. superficial in many degrees and grossly, with much shame for me to admit, inadequate for i know, i feel, you desire for more. for that, allow me to ask you, humbly request you, to come. do come. i hunger. i thirst. i long again for your supply. and in your tending to me, allow me to be useful to you. it is about time i be of good purpose. 30 years i have wandered. it is about time that i finally sojourned. alas, my Lord is the good land.
i pray, you may find me pleasing in your eyes. i pray, i may bring you joy.
30 years you have led me. 30 years you have remained faithful. you have never wavered, never faltered, never lost hope even if the greatest of men would have done so, so long ago. your love constrains me and i cannot help it but be humbled to be the recipient of such devotion. i am not worthy, but you decided otherwise. i am thankful. it is indeed true what they say, that we love you because you first loved us.
it had been a long and arduous walk since that day by the cliff edge, and i have felt so lonely. i was lonely only because i did not want you to be there to see me fail. i was a wretch undone. but you did not mind. you did not care. your all abounding love, incomprehensible by my finite capacity, was a safety net i could not escape from. even if i were to fall, even if i were to fail, you would not forsake me because you loved me so. it tears me apart that i cannot love you back the same way, but again, you do not mind. your love is all conquering, it is transcendent. it is all sufficient, never lacking, never wanting.
why was it that of the billions in the world, that you would have chosen to be stubborn with me. i, who chose against you many times, who had fallen from grace, who had walked away from your light, who had turned his back from your call, who had quenched the spirit, who had grieved you so? you remained still by my side, your person faint but still palpable. you kept your distance from me, never imposing but always ready to approach the moment i would call.
this is my strange relationship with you. an external, outward connection. superficial in many degrees and grossly, with much shame for me to admit, inadequate for i know, i feel, you desire for more. for that, allow me to ask you, humbly request you, to come. do come. i hunger. i thirst. i long again for your supply. and in your tending to me, allow me to be useful to you. it is about time i be of good purpose. 30 years i have wandered. it is about time that i finally sojourned. alas, my Lord is the good land.
i pray, you may find me pleasing in your eyes. i pray, i may bring you joy.
Monday, September 7, 2009
decisions
i was sprawled on my bed this afternoon, half asleep, half awake, half decided whether or not i would take the afternoon off, since i thought it would do me some good, and get a massage. i decided to go.
the drive to the spa was more than the usual today, probably due to the unusual weather, probably due to the unusual day i had. i could not help but notice how the rain poured and waned as i traveled the moderate distance. i could not help but think and rethink of the day's activities as well and the many thoughts i have been having these past few days. but i also thought i should give myself some reprieve, there will be time for this later. i decided to stop.
reaching the spa and changing out of my clothes, i went into the steam room and immediately caught his attention. i also immediately sensed him out. you learn to do this after a while i reckon, besides, he wasn't really being subtle. i sat across him and him, across me. i toyed with the thought of what could happen as he sat there and did his business, whether or not he was mindful that i could see him despite the thick steam, i do not know. i was tired and my fatigue took its toll as i could feel myself slowly slipping away. but just as i was about to fall away, i decided to catch myself.
i watched his shadow on the room wall as he labored hard in kneading the knots out of my back. i had expected this already but could not do anything to help him but remain relaxed and quiet. in my stillness, in my efforts to cooperate, my mind began to wander again, to the thoughts of the morning, to thoughts of my many yesterdays and the duties of tomorrow. he caught a nodule on my back and pressed it, causing me to spasm all of a sudden, breaking me from my reverie. it took me only a while to relax again, for my body to loosen and relent to the beating i was submitting myself to. i decided to stay in the present.
the drive to the spa was more than the usual today, probably due to the unusual weather, probably due to the unusual day i had. i could not help but notice how the rain poured and waned as i traveled the moderate distance. i could not help but think and rethink of the day's activities as well and the many thoughts i have been having these past few days. but i also thought i should give myself some reprieve, there will be time for this later. i decided to stop.
reaching the spa and changing out of my clothes, i went into the steam room and immediately caught his attention. i also immediately sensed him out. you learn to do this after a while i reckon, besides, he wasn't really being subtle. i sat across him and him, across me. i toyed with the thought of what could happen as he sat there and did his business, whether or not he was mindful that i could see him despite the thick steam, i do not know. i was tired and my fatigue took its toll as i could feel myself slowly slipping away. but just as i was about to fall away, i decided to catch myself.
i watched his shadow on the room wall as he labored hard in kneading the knots out of my back. i had expected this already but could not do anything to help him but remain relaxed and quiet. in my stillness, in my efforts to cooperate, my mind began to wander again, to the thoughts of the morning, to thoughts of my many yesterdays and the duties of tomorrow. he caught a nodule on my back and pressed it, causing me to spasm all of a sudden, breaking me from my reverie. it took me only a while to relax again, for my body to loosen and relent to the beating i was submitting myself to. i decided to stay in the present.
Friday, September 4, 2009
the call of the good son
"hey, you forgot you lunch", kuya said. i had forgotten about my baon again as i was hurrying out for work. such is often the case when something breaks me from my usual morning routine. kuya was at the dining table munching on hotdogs the help had left for us for breakfast when i approached. as i was packing my food, kuya told me that he spoke to his boss the night before. they were having a performance appraisal and he was asked how he was doing. what kuya said after that almost made me cry.
it was 830 in the morning and dad was home, sitting on his chair watching TV. he had the volume up again, like how he usually does since (though he denies it still), i think he is already hard at hearing. he strains to watch since his other eye is still unusable. he sits there quietly and i could not help but realize, after speaking to kuya, how old my dad has become.
i had driven mom to the shop in chinatown that morning at 6am. since dad could no longer handle the business, mom has been doing it for him. she complains little and she tries to bear as much as she can, but despite her brave facade, you know she is starting to give. you know she's tired and you know she doesnt want anyone to know. i watched her walk away from my rear view mirror after i dropped her off. her walk, her look as she crossed the street, spoke volumes to me, and yet, i did not know what to do to help.
kuya mentioned the reversal of roles now, now that our parents are getting older. the pressure is on again. i dont think it was ever off to begin with anyway. this time however, the pressure is for real.
love will overcome.
it was 830 in the morning and dad was home, sitting on his chair watching TV. he had the volume up again, like how he usually does since (though he denies it still), i think he is already hard at hearing. he strains to watch since his other eye is still unusable. he sits there quietly and i could not help but realize, after speaking to kuya, how old my dad has become.
i had driven mom to the shop in chinatown that morning at 6am. since dad could no longer handle the business, mom has been doing it for him. she complains little and she tries to bear as much as she can, but despite her brave facade, you know she is starting to give. you know she's tired and you know she doesnt want anyone to know. i watched her walk away from my rear view mirror after i dropped her off. her walk, her look as she crossed the street, spoke volumes to me, and yet, i did not know what to do to help.
kuya mentioned the reversal of roles now, now that our parents are getting older. the pressure is on again. i dont think it was ever off to begin with anyway. this time however, the pressure is for real.
love will overcome.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
MPS
my neck is so stiff, it fells like any moment now, something's gonna give and my neck would snap in two! OUCH. this should be normal now for me, now that i'm stuck at a desk job. tight neck and upper back muscles hardened with knots and whatnot's are now my daily companions. even if i move around and stretch them often, they never seem to go away and leave me alone. the moment i'd sit back on my chair, they spasm immediately back, leaving me feeling like im wearing a concrete hoodie. i pity the masseuse that gets to work on me as i could feel them struggle to break up every nodule they find. i actually find myself apologizing to them since, i am sure they have never handled kneading anyone whose back is as bad as mine and i just hate making people suffer. (wag re-REACT!)
i sometimes envy my friends who look so relaxed when the get massaged. it seems all that effleurage really helped and while they would get up feeling all refreshed and rejuvinated, here i am wondering when all that release i am supposed to feel would kick in. exercise is supposed to help alleviate tightness since it promotes blood circulation, however based on the subtle complaints (masquerading as comments) my masseuse would make, it seems to be doing quite the opposite.
standard ice-breaking conversations they would make me upon first having a feel of my back would go something like this:
masseuse: "sir, ang tigas naman ng likod nyo. bukol bukol. lagi siguro kayong nag-gi-gym noh?"
me: "hehehehe. medyo. pangpatangal lang ng suya sa trabaho."
"ah. ganoon ho ba? e, ilang beses naman ho kayo pumupunta ng gym?"
"um.... (hestitates a bit) er.... 6 times a week?"
"HO??!"
and with that answer, my masseuse knew his fate was sealed. obviously, i had a lot of suya to deal with. good thing i chose to neglect to inform him that i run marathons and kickbox as well. he just might bring a jackhammer next time i come to visit.
i sometimes envy my friends who look so relaxed when the get massaged. it seems all that effleurage really helped and while they would get up feeling all refreshed and rejuvinated, here i am wondering when all that release i am supposed to feel would kick in. exercise is supposed to help alleviate tightness since it promotes blood circulation, however based on the subtle complaints (masquerading as comments) my masseuse would make, it seems to be doing quite the opposite.
standard ice-breaking conversations they would make me upon first having a feel of my back would go something like this:
masseuse: "sir, ang tigas naman ng likod nyo. bukol bukol. lagi siguro kayong nag-gi-gym noh?"
me: "hehehehe. medyo. pangpatangal lang ng suya sa trabaho."
"ah. ganoon ho ba? e, ilang beses naman ho kayo pumupunta ng gym?"
"um.... (hestitates a bit) er.... 6 times a week?"
"HO??!"
and with that answer, my masseuse knew his fate was sealed. obviously, i had a lot of suya to deal with. good thing i chose to neglect to inform him that i run marathons and kickbox as well. he just might bring a jackhammer next time i come to visit.
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