mornings...

my day didn't end so well as i had hoped last night. i really should learn to recognize red flags when i see them and keep the ball from rolling. sometimes however, i really don't know what to do.

decided to sleep it off instead. i wasn't getting any work done anyway, the bite of my current funk i guess. as i prepared to go to bed, i said a little prayer to God, asked the same questions i have been asking for the past few days. i had hoped with some persistence, i could get through and He would finally shed some light into my predicament. last nigh however, it was not yet time. He was quiet but i knew He was listening. i have always had a strange way of figuring out if my prayer is effective, meaning, if its hitting the right buttons, that is, whenever i start to pray, i get bombarded by distractions. a friend once told me that whenever we pray, u rock satan's boat and he doesn't like that, hence, he'll try everything he can to keep u from praying.

my room was quite except for the steady drone of the A/C. same old, familiar environs: my messed up bed, my messed up room, my vanity, my nightlight, my pillow, my blanket. after praying, i decided to sleep differently and have my head on the foot of the bed instead. the bed felt different from this side, so was my view of the room. i read somewhere before that there's this designer who does exactly this whenever he needs inspiration, he just does things differently. he said that when u do things differently, u see things differently as well. rather difficult for me who is a creature of habit, different can be nerve wracking sometimes.

true enuf, my "strange" slumber did not last long as i woke up on the right side of the bed. somehow, in the middle of the night i turned 180 degrees to sleep on the more familiar side. my subconscious probably could not bare the difference and hence took matter in its own hand.

i awoke to the same sounds of the neighborhood, amidst the beeps of passing cars and the voices of the squatters who live below. i could hear the faint voice of my mom while she was over the phone and the steady drone still of the a/c. good morning world... good morning Lord. the first thoughts of the day... what do You have in store for me, i wonder?

to gay or not to gay

was chatting with a friend this afternoon about the idiosyncrasies of life, something that i am finding i talk about more and more with people lately, when the topic came up about him being tired of being gay.

now isnt that a funny thought i said to myself. though i'd rather not talk about the things he said, i did however feel that there were a lot of things we had in common when it came to the frustrations of being "one of us".

to be honest, if i really had things my way, i would have wished that i wasn't gay. maybe because i believe that by being so, my life wud at least be less complicated. one less thing to worry about is what it would have given me. though i may have made myself come to terms already of what my identity would entail, i have yet to face these concerns to know if i have really have prepared myself for them or not. for now, i have experienced some and my being a novice has left me petrified whenever something "gay" wud come my way. i think if i were straight, things would have been different.

there is also the issue of my faith. again, if i were not gay, it would certainly not be an issue. but since i am, well, it definitely made things complicated. though i have no doubts that there is anything strange about being a gay christian, my view on it matter is not the most popular. obviously, coming out to my congregation will be an event for story books and legends only and talking about it to my spiritual advisers and peers is also out of the question. despite supposedly being in a loving environment, fear is still a very real part of society. fear of being rejected, fear of being treated differently. so with regards to being enlightened about being godly and queer, i guess i'd just have to settle for the little that i know and the small faith that i have that my God is a God of love and righteousness and mercy.

and then there are relationships. relationships to begin with are tricky, and i believe they are even more so when ur gay. blame it probably to not having role models to look up to, but somehow, i keep getting horror stories of how gay relationships always end up in.... heartbreak, to say the least. what is up with gay people and their seemingly difficult time of keeping a solid, stable relationship? i am sure there are social pressures at play here, and if that is the case, then how can it be helped? how can it be remedied? is there any hope for gays to actually make it right in terms of love? or is this whole gay love thing just a fictitious, delusional effort we try to convince ourselves of feeling, just so we can prove to ourselves and other that indeed, we too are normal?

if i were straight... such thoughts would be simpler to understand. but since i am not, they too are not.

nothing in my life or my upbringing would have prepared me for life as a gay man. all my years of upbringing was focused on how to live my life as a straight boy... and now, i somehow cannot help but feel slightly cheated. the skills, the tools i have, though some may still be applied, a lot however, cannot. all i can do now is learn. learn as fast as i can. not just for me to survive being who i am, but more importantly, to know who i am, really.

i guess thats what people like us are all doing. it would definitely explain a lot why we are the way we are.

eclat

been having this nagging feeling these past few days following my birthday. maybe it was caused by being sick or just that fact that i was affected by not having an eventful birthday, but still, the feeling hasn't left me yet and i am starting to get a teeny weeny bit worried.

i still havent been able to define what it is that i am feeling, only that it's one of those "what am i suppose to do now?" feelings. something to do with personal purpose and why i still haven't figured things out, or rather, why i am still looking? been working for a few years now and i would have thought that i am following my passion. following what i love to do has led me to change careers, work here, drop my job and travel abroad, live abroad, quit my job abroad, come back home and start from scratch again. yet despite all of this, how come i still dont feel as fulfilled or even a little bit satisfied. worse thing is, i am actually getting bored and considering changing careers again.

last time i changed careers, i told myself that i shud think this thru and know that after this, there is no more turning back. i told myself that the moment i shift, it would be the last time i would do so since i cannot afford to waste anymore time. and yet, here i am.... considering again. not good at all.

i sometimes look at friends and collegues who show so much passion in the things that they do. seems like they have so much focus and have figured things out to the letter. even if there are things they still havent thought of, it doesnt seem to matter coz to them, things will eventually fall into place. their lives can get hectic and chaotic and stressful but at the end of the day, they can still say they love what they do. i used to think that i was like them... i really did. i got beaten down, pushed, shoved, tormemnted, pressured, pressed, proded and everything else in between yet i was still able to rise up and say, at the end of the day, i still loved what i was doing. i could still after a horrible week pick up a pencil and draw out a spectacular carpet design and present it to my client and say "see! beautiful isn't it?", not even hinting to them a bit of the torture i just had gone through... all because i love what i was doing.

but i am starting to fear that is no longer the case now. everytime i pick up a pencil and put it to paper, i have a slight feeling of disgust, like why am i doing this? what else is there to do or to realize?

i really dont know what it is that changed. did i burn out already? or am i just going thru another phase into this weird existence of mine?

to the year that was...

my eyes opened and focused slowly on my nightstand. i reached for my phone to check for the time and saw that there were unread messages. after reading them, i slowly rolled over to my back, stretched a little and got up. i sat there at the edge of my bed for a few moments and waited for that groggy feeling to go away. i looked around at my dark room and the beam of sunlight flooding in from under my door. my reverie was broken when my phone alerted of another message. again, the message said the same thing, that i am a year older, today.

it has been an eventful year... thank you Lord, You have made me make it this far...

karir na 'to!

ikatlong araw na. ikatlong araw na at di pa rin ako gumagaling. actually, mukhang lumalala pa nga ako. mga simtomas ko, mistulang naglalaro ng tagu-taguan. mamaya andyan, mam'ya wala. minsan sasakit ang katawan, mamaya, mawawala. misan sisipunin, mamaya, mawawala. anu bah!!!! nakakaloka na 'to. pakipot pa ba pati ang sakit?

kaninang umaga, nagising ako na di pa sumisikat ang araw. nakabaon na ako sa kumot at unan ngunit, giniginaw pa rin ako. sinubukan kong patayin ang a/c. matagal na akong di natutulog na may a/c ngunit sabi ni inay kagabi, buksan ko raw dahil masmasama kung nakatapat sa akin and elektik pan. sunod naman si dutiful son diba? ayun tuloy, nilagnat naman ako. pinilit kong makatulog ulit ngunit umeksena na katawan ko, spesifikali, si tiyan. nagsimula na'ng paghihinarte ni tiyan at tuloy, napa-aga ang aking ritualeng pangumaga. salamat naman sa diyos at pagkatapos nuon ay nakahabol pa ako sa pagtulog.

medyo masama ang aking pag-gising kanina. para kasing merong nagaaway na rottweiler sa loob ng aking bituka, sabayan mo pa ang aking pagkahilo, dahil siguro sa sobrang dehydration. minabuti kong uminom muli ng 'sang dakot na mga gamot, mula sa aking mga chinese potions hangang imodium. tinunga ko silang lahat in one go, mapaigi lang ang aking pakiramdam. sasamahan dapat ako ni inay sa doktor ngunit sa aking kalagayan, mukhang aaksidentehin ata ako habang nasa byahe. bahay nalang ako, suggestion ko sa kanya. agree naman si inay. di rin ata nya gusto ma-encounter ang predicament ko, e, panikera pa naman sya.

eniweys, heto ako ngayon. nagpupumilit magtrabahao habang naka on-call ang kubeta sa aking mga bigla biglang pagbibisita. in fairness, may magandang naidulot naman ang aking pagkasakit. napansin ko, walang masepektib na pangpapayat, be it fat burner, cardio or weight training, than ang magkasakit. in no less than 3 days, parang my waist line shrunk by 3 inches at lumabas ang cuts ng aking abs!(para bang infomercial to? hahaha, but wait! there's MORE!) talk about looking at the bright side of things. yun lang nga, ayaw ko namang pumayat sa ganitong paraan, baka sa isang linggo, magmistula na akong may marasmus na taga ethiopia!

sick, down but not out

i woke up today feeling better than i did the day before. yesterday, all i could do was cover my nose as it felt like niagara falls was transplanted up my nostrils. i felt sniffling and sneezing. i had the cold and i hated every moment of it. it' just sooooo "dyahe". i would talk to my client on how retro was fashionable again and then in mid-sentence, i would pause and sniff up my impending nose drip... diba? gosh, shove up a catheter nalang and spare me the misery of humiliating myself slowly will ya?

anyway, i took my decongestants, had a warm bath and put on my warmest jammys to bed that night, hoping, praying that it would do the trick of convincing this unwelcomed bug to take a hike and leave me alone! i though it worked when i got up since i could breath easily again. my voice didnt sound hoarse or nasal and despite having morning joint pains (i'm old and dying, i know it!), i felt perfectly normal. as i was about to shout high hallelujahs, i suddenly felt a drop roll down my lip. not long after that drop began, my nose stuffed up and my tummy decided to join in the misery bandwagon as well. in no less than an hour, i was down and finding myself taking frequent visits to the toilet. why i am sharing this with you, well, just trying to spread the love honeys!!!

i really didnt want to go to work, not because of the cold but that OTHER nasty issue. but skipping today wasnt really an option. i had a schedule to keep with my client and time is of the essence. she once, casually, hinted to me how she doesnt like last minute changes in plans so i really want to get to her bad side. runs or no runs, playing hokey was out of the question. i sat extra long in the loo for peace of mind and abstained from having anything. driving was extra harrowing as you all could imagine. funny since i was joking with a friend yesterday as to what could make my sick day suckier ( i was stuff in rush hour traffic with an inoperable nose), and my friend said having diarrhea while in traffic. premonision ba ato?

my meeting with my client this morning went rather well. i was in and out of there in less that 30 mins and had her approve all my samples. i then went down to my site and had complementary physotherapy on my shoulder. well, it wasn't completely free since i also was a guinea pig for the new and very complicated machines. hehehe, the things i do for free service.

so far, my tummy had been very cooperative. vikki met up with me that noon and we had lunch together. my cold was getting worse and i really didnt want to end my day on a bad note so i asked her to indulge me and have lunch at felix, my fave resto. had great food, great kwento about her upcoming wedding, and great service (cute waiter was very attentive at our table... how nice of him). as my day came to an end, vikki and i parted and i started heading home, not after i pass by another site of a friend.

marc is this friend of mine who is opening his boutique along buendia. he wanted me to come over and take a look at his place now that its finally finished. since it was on the way home, i decided to pass by. cute is all i can say. i like the colors that he used and together with the stuff hes gonna put it, i can say that his place will definitely stand out.

left marc at around 4 and headed staright home. my head was throbbing and i felt something was was coming up. true enough, by the time i got home, i was nursing a far worse cold, diarrhea, and a 39 degree fever. im burning and freezing at the same time. im so not used of getting sick that i sometimes think, my body just lets go in one giant swoop! i cerainly hope this fever and all the mess that came with it is short lived. i cannot WORK like this!!!!!

...

found myself dozing off while driving home today. it was still early (4pm) yet it definitely felt later than that. 'twas admittedly dangerous what i was doing, weaving in and out of traffic, speeding just so i can finally end my day and get home. actually, i was trying to get an adrenaline rush to wake myself up. it however did not work as i still felt drowsy.

i manged to get home safe and took a "short nap". woke up two hours later thinking my fone was ringing. found out after that i was only a dream. horrible though since i never thought that hearing my fone ring would make me feel so awful.