Depression during lockdown

Admittedly, I was worried when Manila went on lockdown. I have always had anxieties of the unknown, and considering how messy our leaders handle crisis, I was bracing myself on a roller coaster ride.

It is now more than two months since that day. School was shut mid-term. All work screeched to a halt. Life hung, it seemed, on suspended animation... but it didn't. No really at all, which I guess is part of the reason why the neurotransmitters in my brain is going nutty, more so than usual. Imagine gears in a machine, one stuck at a stand-still while the other one still trying to crunch on. It eventually gives and turns and its teeth slowly wearing out the teeth of the static gear. This is sort of what I am feeling at the moment.

The lockdown forced me to give up the momentum I had gained before quarantine, to stop and drop everything. But yet, surviving life and adapting to the "new normal" while in quarantine necessitates that I still keep moving, at even on a heightened level of alertness. This irony in my life right now, trying to be still and yet still moving is wearing me down. It doesn't help that the government doesn't make me feel safe. It doesn't help that bills are still arriving. It doesn't help that my savings are still being used up. It doesn't help that work, as it now beginning to churn again, will be more challenging. It doesn't help that all this time during lock down, I was trying my best to stay positive. It doesn't help that I have tapped into and have depleted my sources of inner joy.

Depression during lockdown is a weight on your chest. It is like a chain around your neck, a noose on your fragile sanity. Every minute blow is like a small, teasing nudge for you to fall, and every fiber of your being struggle to keep your footing.

Depression during lockdown are polarized lenses you wear. It casts a dark wash on everything, even the brightest glimmer feels dull. All past indulgences no longer satisfies. All past joys are now distant memories.

Depression during lockdown is a sickness in my body, and my physical body knows it. I wake up with aches. I am lethargic all the time. I have little motivation, despite my job requiring me to motivate others (I teach in university). I find it difficult to breath sometimes. When the attacks come I guess. When I think of going back to work. When I think about going back to this post-pandemic world. When I think about how I need to be careful again, when fear was part of the fuel of my depression in the first place. When I think about dying from Covid-19, and maybe the short suffering is better than this life-long toil of just enduring.

Covid-19 brought out the worst, and it was not just killing with pneumonia. 

gloomy friday

Our help decided a few days ago to discontinue working for us. Shes been with us for just a few months. Though we cant really say her duties in the house are super important, having another person at home with mom would probably be the role we find most crucial. She said her mom is asking her to go back home, but our other sources tell us otherwise. Regardless, we let her go. No point in convincing someone to stay when they have been planning to leave from the day they arrived. 

Her departure will put all our lives on a topsy turvy again i guess, most especially now that mom tend to get panic attacks whenever the thought of her being alone at home hits her. Her attacks often starts benign with complains of shortness of breath, which escalates to hyperventilation to calls that she needs to go to the hospital, all however alleviated my gentle stokes to her back and chest with Vicks vapor rub and reassuring tones that God will not allow her to die just yet. 

Her attacks curiously happens always around meals at home... and only at meals at home. I have yet to still figure out what triggers it, but considering what im going thur myself, i may never know. 

I tried to do some design work this morning and noticed something i haven’t noticed before, i was having too a very small panic attack. It could be completely random so i dont want to give it too much meaning for now but hopefully, this was just a singular incident. 

I pray 2018 will be better. 

the first tinder date

Let's consider it a spur of the moment thing, as it was pretty much in a way. I had originally planned to first go to the gym to work out before seeing him that day, but he beat me to it and messaged me what time we were meeting. By this time, I was already within the area and upon quick random calculations i did in my head, I surmised that he might construe that I am feigning interest if I delayed response any further. I know I know, I could be for for all reasons merely overthinking it, but hey, it has been a long time since I have been on an OFFICIAL "date" so one can never be too sure.

so I replied that I could be at his place in a few minutes. Rather, i called instead since I was driving, much to his surprise based on the sound of his voice. I asked him if he were in the mood for something spicy. I had been trying to figure out where to take him the day before for brunch but could not think of anywhere with his area that opened early enough, especially during these holiday season. I eventually settled to take him to Banawe, to this place that served Singaporean food. He knew of the place and upon some hesitation, agreed to have me pick him up.

Upon first impressions, he didnt look as much like how he did in his tinder pics, though after a while, I guess I could figure out why. More in the angle of his photos. I guess like all of us, we try to put our best foot forward and curate as well as we possibly can which pics to garner us the most "swipe to the right". He was pleasant to look at I have to say, considering that he looked like he just got out of bed. We chatted a bit and quickly got to the resto since traffic that morning was pretty light. It was good that I was just at the same resto a few days before with my cousin so I knew more or less what dishes to order. We got the laksa, cereal prawns, the sambal kangkong and the satay meat skewers. I kinda over-ordered a bit i guess since by the looks of the food, it was good for 3 people and we were just 2, both trying to maintain a certain value to our waistlines. LOL needles to say, he looked like he enjoyed the food. we got to talk a lot during that meal, about our families, work, our likes. it lmost felt like we were old friends trying to catch up. the longer I chatted with him, the more he felt more pleasant. Not attractive, but pleasant. It would be too early to put meaning to anything from that one meeting but I think it's off to a good start.

I drove him home after that. He had mentioned that he was home alone that day and asked if i wanted to come over. I politely declined and jokingly told him I was conservative. (a lie in my case since I wouldnt have minded, but no harm in doing things differently of course). I dropped him off and waiting until he got into his house, and that was that, We're still messaging and hoping to know him a bit more. 

merry christmas

Sitting on the couch in my room, I find myself staring at our wood floor and the dust bunnies strewn just over its shiney surface. Wow. Havent cleaned my room in a long while, and if it werent for this silvery december light, I really wouldnt have noticed how dusty my floor was. 

Been chatting with a guy over tinder. He described himself as a dairy man. He sells milk and is now venturing into butter. Interesting guy id have to say, its not often that you chance on people into agriculture. He sounded like he got burned out a bit, just like me with my designing. Hoping to meet him in person soon. I think i starting to run out of interesting stuff to talk about with him. I am quote boring. 

Everyone’s home today. Almost feels like a weekend, tho now that Im awake, im itching to just go out and walk around. Maybe workout since I havent done much this week, and considering the calories i have been consuming this week, I desperately need the exercise. I am slowly developing a dad-bod, and by golly, id rather be chubby instead of that. 

Im happier to a degree today. The depression is still there but it doesnt feel as overwhelming as the previous days. I think i still need to find people to talk to about it since my brother doesnt seem to be the right person who can empathize. I think thats one thing he never really got to learn. 

the mall

I used to find pleasure in malls. I loved people watching, see what people of all sorts busy themselves with. Admittedly malls may not be the most normal of places to observe normal behavior, but I guess in Manila, malls have become the hub of communities. We really dont have anything else much apart from it. This is really where people naturally converge when they have free time or want to relax. 

Strange now how malls fell for me. Im still people watching, though I cant really say im loving it. I have been pacing up and down the long halls, full of last minute holiday shoppers, but cant help but feel uninterested in them. Nothing to generate curiosity unlike before. Nothing about their presence, their dress, their mannerisms, their existence even elicits the most minute level of desire to investigate. They are phantoms to me almost, or I am to them. 

the wake

The chapel was still quite empty when I arrived. His brother in law was the one who greeted me as his sister was busy attending to friends who has arrived earlier. This must have been the hundredth time he has told this story, how it all started with a throat infection, how he was rushed to the ER to get checked after vomiting, how his blood sugar sky rocket, his kidneys failed and in just a matter of 3 days after being confined, he was gone. 

It must all feel so surreal based on the blank stares in the room, people coming to grips to what happened. How someone who was just at the start of his life so suddenly was taken away. I asked if the parents were around and then ushered to the back room. Their family have been long friends of ours and I braced myself for the meeting. His mom was the first one I saw. She struggled to get up from the chair that she was sitting on and when she finally was able to stabilize herself, I gave her the longest hug I could muster. I whispered to her O Lord, O Lord, my pathetic cry to remind her that God is with us. She trembled in my arms for a moment and I wished at that moment i could take some of her pain away. I gave his father the same hug and offered my deepest condolences. We eventually left the back room to recieve guests who were beginning to trickle in. 

He looked peaceful in the casket, like he was just asleep, resting. If I werent even mistaken, there was a slight smile in his face, even tho i am sure he would have wished to have left in a better way. 

Rest well Wilmer. You were too young to go. Give strength to your family. They miss you terribly. 

sudden death

A childhood friend of mine passed away suddenly today. He was barely 30. Took meds by mistake for his tonsillitis which unfortunately reacted fatally with his diabetes meds. He fell unconscious and in a matter of 2 days, he was gone. 

My mind can fully fathom the finiteness of mortality, but somehow, when people this close to you die, you find yourself seemingly left in suspension. You feel like falling but not feel your own weight. You see the impending ground before you but its presense seem to make no sense. Nothing makes sense. 

I tried to explain to mom today about what happened. She remembers vaguely my friend, a bit more about the parents, the gravity of the events however doesnt seem to grip her as much. Fragments escape her gradually and i am sure moments from now, she would have no memory of the incident anymore. 

I would like to say my heart aches for my friend, but it doesnt. I feel quite numb except for this unnerving feeling of uncertainty. I feel suddenly lonlier, more detached, more distant. I feel a sudden weight in my chest but not the same as that of grief, but more like the weight of fear, of anxiety, of a realization that maybe death is not too far, and that death doesnt feel like a fearful entity for me entirely.