Thursday, June 23, 2011

Another driving post

I cannot recall how often i have mentioned about my bitter-sweet relationship with driving. Although i cannot part myself with the obvious advantages of being able to shuttle myslef, at my own leisure from point A to B, i also cannot seem to get over the fact that it drives me crazy sometimes being behind the wheel, almost to points when i would find myself palpitating and close to screaming till my dog's eardrums hurt.

I have always wished i was a calm driver, someone who remains unfazed when jeepneys swerve unmindful of other vehicles, when pedestrians lazily cross as if theyre impurvious to on-coming metal, when pedicabs, motorbikes, dogs, cats, the occasional rats simple occupy the road without any consideration that death in the city comes with 4 wheels and xenon headlights. How i wish i could just be overwhelmed in my own zen rather that wishing for the most unfortunate of scenarios for those who would find themselves in the most unlucky of places, in my war path, for that is often the case when i drive. My route is my battle. Apart from rare sundays and pacquiao fighting on the idiot-box, my route always feels like driving in a video game.... Maddening.

More often than not, i drive with the radio off. I learned that music influences my mood, especially when i am most volatile when behind the wheel. I however give in when listening to classical music since, i thought, surely orchestral music can sooth my troubked driving soul. It did initially, until you get to fast paced, high-octane pieces that is, then its almost listening to heavy metal as well (brass... Heavy metal indeed). So im back to having the hum of my engine as my background noise. Imagine what would happen if they suddenly play VERDI!!!!

This morning, i tried doing what i used to do before, that is to sing. I think it worked since i got to the office with the slightest bit of agitation. I guess ill try this for a couple of days. Dont worry, il keep it soft. Im sure the weather wouldnt mind.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


Basing from my personal experience, God often speaks to me in a very soft, and quiet way. I guess He expects that, since i am the naturally introspective type, that it would only be amatter of time before i would hear what He has to say to me. On the other occasions however that i have been lagging on my regular self analysis, God would exercise (tho rarerly, i must point out) a level of impatience and speak with a louder voice, making sure that even deaf ears can hear, particularly mine.

I guess it was a growing voice within me, a soft but persitent nudging that started it all. Again, my views about my identity, me, and my homosexuality was put under scrutiny, and like how i was many years ago, i find myself at a lost of answers.

I would like to think that i have made peace with what i am, but with how things are presently, i dont think i had been thorough. I cannot deny that i am to a great degree happy at my current situation. I am out to a lot of ppl and am blessed by their unprejudiced acceptance of me. I have close family members who know i am gay too and have taken me just as i am. I have found someone to love and who loves me back. I am surrounded by great and supportive friends, gay and straight. What else is there not to be happy about? However, i still cannot say that i feel complete. Though i cannot complain of the blessing i have been given, a part of me still feel that there is something amiss with it all.

I turn to God for enlightment often when i am faced with situations like this, but unlike when i was still searching for the real me, many year ago, i am a bit defensive now whenever i am face to face with my Master. i find that my mind braces for an arguement and fellowship with God often becomes uncomfortable, and consequently, brief and dry. I knew there was something wrong, but i didnt want to address it just yet. I guess i was fearful to do so. Fearful that in exchange for what i seek, God would ask me what i dread Him to ask, for me to choose.

I don't believe God is cruel. On the contrary, my faith in His unlimited goodness is what keeps me to Him. The problem obviously is with me. My short sightedness, my self righteousness, my pride, my self, and my very strong mind. A verse from Revelation comes to mind, how God stands at the door and knocks, and whoever oepns the door, He will come in. I hear the knocking, i hear the pounding, but i choose to speak to God thru the peep hole instead, distrustful of His intentions, unwilling to let Him have His way with me, even if in my mind, I know this is what i have to do.